Loving Him Without Losing You (24 page)

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  If you look carefully and deeply enough you will find in childhood the seeds of the life you have lived. You can begin to recognize that your life was made inevitable by your childhood, and in so doing, can begin to forgive your- self for your adult behavior.
  

  By the same token,
  your childhood does not have to be your destiny.
  While you can’t undo what was or wasn’t done to you in childhood, you can find ways to purge yourself of much of the pain, guilt, and anger created by your negative experiences. Journal writing is one such way. You need not do anything so formal or structured as writing your life story. Simply writing down your feelings at the moment can be very revealing.
  

  Keeping a journal will help you to discover and stay in touch with your emotions. By using different techniques such as writing with your nondom- inant hand (the hand you don’t usually use) or stream-of-consciousness writ- ing (writing whatever occurs to you without editing or stopping), you can bypass your internal censors and discover feelings that are buried below the surface.
  

  Your journal can also be the place where you allow yourself to be com- pletely who you are—no facades, no pretense, no saying what you think oth- ers want you to say, just the truth. Being totally honest with yourself can be extremely difficult, but without complete honesty it is not possible for you to develop a true sense of who you are.
  

  I suggest you make a commitment to yourself to write only the truth in your journal, or that you start a “truth book” in which you write only the truth.
  

  E
  X E R C I S E
  :
  Sentence Completion
  

  The following are some topics to help get you started. If you find them either boring or overwhelming, feel free to adapt them in any way you like.
  

  Complete each sentence in the list below in as many ways as you can. Try to push past the obvious and the superficial and attempt to move into deeper, more meaningful answers. Allow yourself to connect with your emotions and your memories as you write. Each sentence can become an entire journal entry if you allow yourself to really get into it.
  

  When I am alone I feel
  

  I feel afraid when
  

  I feel insecure when
  

  I feel sad when
  

  I feel angry when
  

  I feel embarrassed when
  

  I feel guilty when
  

  I feel safe when
  

  I feel comforted when
  

  I feel at peace when
  

  The thing I am most angry about in my life is
  

  The thing I am most ashamed of in my life is
  

  The thing I am saddest about in my life is
  

  The thing I am proudest of in my life is
  

  Completing these sentences can help you connect more deeply with your emotions, remind you of important events in your life, and help you further discover the unfinished business you will need to complete in order to become a Woman of Substance.
  

  

  Choosing Your Equipment
  

  Make a commitment to begin your journal by buying the supplies you will need. Because writing is a physical act, it is affected by the equipment you use. The following guidelines will help you with your decisions.
  

Start by choosing the type of pen you wish to use. Most people prefer a fast-writing pen, since our thoughts are always much faster than our hands. The new roller pens are fast; ballpoints and felt tips are slow. Go to a stationery store and try out different kinds until you find one that feels good to you.

Next, pick out your journal or notebook. Some women choose hardcover journals with artistic covers that mean something special to them or that inspire them—reminders of nature, pictures of famous women writers or artists, or reproductions of artwork. Others feel that these are too bulky, and because they are expensive, they feel restricted, as if they can only write something that is profound or especially good in them. For this reason these women choose inexpensive spiral notebooks, the kind schoolchildren use, because they then feel permission to write anything and everything their heart desires.

Experiment with different formats—hardcovers, softcovers, large, small, blank, wide-lined, thin-lined until you find what works best for you. Some women even like to write on large drawing pads using felt pens.

Some women choose to use their computers as their journal because their hands can keep up with their minds better than when they write by hand. Others feel that handwriting helps them stay more heart-centered when they are writing something emotional.

Still others choose to speak into a tape recorder. They like how it feels to directly record their own voice as they speak their thoughts. This is also convenient when you need your hands free to be doing something else, such as driving, cooking, or painting.

How to Create a Refuge

The self-knowledge you gain by opening inward can be profoundly gratify- ing. But
finding yourself doesn’t require you to go off to the woods for weeks or months at a time.
It does require you to take some time alone to focus on yourself, listen to your inner voice, discover your most hidden secrets and your deepest desires.

Most of us think of a refuge as a place that is away from our home, but to create a refuge of solitude all you really need is a place where you can expe- rience silence and experience yourself. The following suggestions will help you create such a place:

Begin by unplugging the phone, removing distracting reminders of work such as computers and fax machines, and telling others in the house not to disturb you for a given period of time.

Because you want to connect with yourself, get rid of clutter and any dis- tracting reminders of previous or present relationships, and replace them with pictures of yourself or pictures of places and things you love.

Some women set up a table or altar on which they place photographs of themselves and special mementos. Many include a photograph of them- selves as a child to help them reconnect with or stay connected to their “inner child.”

Because you want your refuge to be a place where you can find solace, strength, and comfort, make it as visually appealing as possible. For exam- ple, fill the room with candles, plants, or other items that are comforting and meaningful to you, and decorate it in colors you like.

Even if you don’t have enough space to designate an entire room as your refuge, you can set up a corner in a room. One woman who lives in a crowded New York apartment had only enough room for a lap desk that she brought out when her husband wasn’t home, and yet her desk symbolized solitude to her.

Some women create a ceremony to designate their refuge as a special, sacred space by performing such rituals as lighting a candle, burning

incense, meditating, praying, playing or singing a special song, or reading a poem.

The only way some women are able to be alone without feeling aban- doned is by creating a space that feels comforting, safe, and nurturing. The following exercise will help you reconnect with memories of comforting and soothing from your childhood that you can incorporate into your refuge of solitude.

E
X E R C I S E
:
Comforting and Soothing

• Write about any childhood memories you have of being comforted and soothed. Who was the person who comforted you the most?
  

• How did you comfort yourself as a child? Did you have a favorite blanket, pillow, or toy that you used to comfort yourself?
  

• When you think of self-nurturing, what comes to mind?
  

• Do you still use the same methods of self-nurturing and comforting you did as a child, or have you developed other ways?
  

• Do you feel good about the way you nurture and comfort yourself today, or do you wish you had healthier ways?
  

  

  Many Disappearing Women do not come into adulthood with a reservoir of pleasurable, soothing experiences—memories they can call on in times of stress to comfort them. If this is your situation, you will need to create a sooth- ing, comforting environment based on your current needs. In Briana’s case, she needed to design a space where she could integrate maternal comfort and at the same time feel rooted in herself.
  

  To begin, she spent hours cutting out pictures from magazines of loving mothers and phrases of support such as “Be all that you can be” and “You are loved.” She then made several collages using the pictures and put them on her bedroom wall. Then she cut out pictures that represented various aspects of herself or the self she wanted to become. Once again she made collages and put them on her wall.
  

  Then she scattered several large, colorful pillows as well as some stuffed animals on her bed. Lying on her bed, surrounded by her stuffed animals, her pillows, and her collages, she felt far more able to spend time alone with herself.
  

  If you, like Briana, can create a space of your own in which you feel com- fortable, you can begin to feel at home with yourself. Creating your refuge of
  

  solitude will serve as a physical reminder of your commitment to discover yourself. For those of you who are in a relationship, it can also offer a place where you can go to get some space and come back to yourself.
  

  Virginia Woolf wrote about a woman’s need for a “room of one’s own” in order for her to be able to write, a space in which a woman can be on her own without continuous interruptions. While it is true that solitude and a room of one’s own are necessary for creativity, they are also necessary for individ- uation.
  

  Cultivate Your Attitudes and Intentions
  

  While it is important to create a refuge that is inviting and comforting, it is the attitude with which you approach your time of solitude that influences the experience far more than the actual place.
  

  It is important that you begin each time of solitude with a clear intention. For example, your intention might be to connect with yourself or your spirit, to solve a particular problem, or simply to relax. Many people think of their time of solitude as a way to go beyond day-to-day reality, a time and a place where they can connect with greater truths.
  

  Begin your time of solitude by taking a deep breath and stating your intention to yourself, either out loud or silently.
  

  Many women use rituals to enhance their time of solitude. These rituals can be especially effective if you use your refuge for other purposes through- out the day.
  

  By spending only a half hour a day for honest self-discovery, you will slowly begin to know yourself in a way you may never have thought possible. You can spend your time in silence, in meditation, writing in your journal, or just allowing yourself to feel.
  

  Find Your Authentic Self through Your Emotions
  

  Focusing on how you feel is another important way to discover yourself. Only by knowing yourself through your emotions can you grow to trust your- self, your perceptions, your thoughts, and your actions. Knowing what you are feeling at any given time is one of the best ways of connecting with your authentic self, as well as grounding or centering yourself.
  

  One of the most significant ways women lose themselves is by becoming disconnected from their emotions. If you don’t know what you are feeling at any given time you can’t expect yourself to act in your best interest. You will do things that are unhealthy without even realizing it, and you will be more inclined to let others make your decisions for you. In addition, if you aren’t
  

  in touch with how you feel, you are much more susceptible to being con- trolled by those who will tell you what you are feeling and who you are.
  

  To discover what you are feeling at any given time you must first be able to distinguish between feelings, thoughts, and behavior. This is a typical con- versation I have with clients:
  

  Me:
  “How are you
  feeling
  about what John did?”
  Client:
  “I just don’t understand why he does it.”
  Me:
  “So how do you feel about it?”
  

  Client:
  “I wish he would stop.”
  

  Me:
  “And how do you feel about the fact that he isn’t stopping?”
  

  Client
  : “I get upset.”
  

  Me:
  “Upset in what way?”
  

  Client:
  “I get frustrated.”
  

  As you can see, I was having a difficult time getting the client to connect with and express her feelings. She started off telling me what she
  thought
  (she couldn’t understand it), and what she
  wished for,
  but she didn’t tell me how she
  felt.
  The closest she could come was to explain that she felt upset, and then only after being pressed still further, to say she was frustrated, which are rather vague descriptions of feelings. It was very difficult for her to realize, much less admit that she was angry.
  

  While the words “upset” and “frustrated” may describe a vague reaction to a situation, these are usually merely euphemisms for what are considered more primal emotions, such as anger, hurt, and fear. For example, saying you are “upset” is often a more socially acceptable way of saying you are hurt or angry, and saying you are “frustrated” is a more acceptable way of saying you are angry. Saying you are “anxious” is less revealing than saying you are afraid, and saying you are “confused” is often a way of not having to own up to your emotions at all. While it can be an honest articulation of your state of mind, it doesn’t really describe your emotions.
  

  It may not have been acceptable to express the so-called negative emo- tions of anger, fear, or sadness in your family. Or one or both of your parents may have been cut off from their feelings and were therefore poor role mod- els. As a child, you may have been told that you were “too sensitive” or that you “felt too strongly about things.” You may have been told that you over- reacted to situations. Ironically, you were probably reacting normally, but your parents may have felt threatened by your emotional expression because they tended to avoid their own feelings.
  

  We also become disconnected from our emotions by dissociating from ourselves. Many of you have experienced the sensation of “leaving your body” in which your mind seems to rise up, leaving your body, but not your awareness, to deal with a situation. Those who were sexually or physically abused as children frequently dissociate in this way to survive unbearable pain and anguish. Others, such as those raised in chaotic and/or alcoholic house- holds, have experienced the sensation of “spacing out” (all your senses become dulled and your mind seems to take a vacation), or the sensation of your body becoming numb or paralyzed when you are faced with something you feel incapable of coping with.
  

  All these are natural coping mechanisms meant to protect us. Unfortu- nately, they can become habitual and cause us to disconnect from our emo- tions to such an extent that we literally do not know what we are feeling at any given time.
  

  If you have grown numb to your feelings for whatever reason, the fol- lowing exercise will help you begin to reconnect with your emotions.
  

  E
  X E R C I S E
  :
  Journaling about Your Feelings
  

• Carry your journal or a notebook around with you, and whenever you have a spare moment ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” and write the answer down.
  

• If you don’t think you’re feeling anything, or if you are not aware of what you are feeling, write that down.
  

  By continuing this process for several weeks you will eventually sensi- tize yourself to your emotions, becoming more and more aware of what you are feeling at any given time.
  

  

  The Price We Pay for Repressing and Suppressing Our Emotions
  

  The more you repress and suppress your emotions, the more you will lose contact with who you are and what you really want. When we become alien- ated from our own emotions we tend to “figure out” in our heads what to feel rather than simply and spontaneously feeling from our hearts.
  

  Also, the more we repress or suppress our “negative emotions” such as anger, fear, and sadness, the more we also restrict our ability to feel the “pos- itive emotions” such as love, joy, and passion. This is because we can’t repress or suppress one emotion without affecting our ability to feel and express
  all
  our emotions.
  

  Each emotion has a purpose, and that emotion will remain with you, buried in your body, locked in your psyche, until that purpose is recognized and understood. For example, anger arises within us to tell us that what is occurring is undesirable or unhealthy. Fear arises to warn us that there is potential loss, pain, failure, or danger. Sadness or hurt arises to tell us we have lost something or will soon lose something, or that we are missing something we want or need. Finally, guilt arises to remind us that we have done something that goes against our own moral code or that we are in some way responsible for causing an undesirable circumstance, such as hurting another person.
  

  Suppressing your emotions—consciously trying to bury them—does not eliminate them. In addition to causing you to become more and more numb to your feelings, including your positive feelings, your suppressed emotions will no doubt also cause physical symptoms such as muscle tension, stomach distress, back problems, headaches, constipation, diarrhea, or maybe even hypertension.
  

  Moreover, your suppressed emotions will likely cause you to overreact to people and situations in inappropriate ways. Unexpressed emotions can cause you to be irritable, irrational, and prone to emotional outbursts and episodes of depression. Something someone says or does may trigger memories of past incidents, causing you to react far more intensely than the present situation war- rants. It may send you into a deep depression without your ever knowing why. If you carry around a lot of suppressed or repressed
  anger
  (anger you have unconsciously buried), you may lash out at people, blaming them or pun- ishing them for something someone else did long ago. Because you were unable or unwilling to express how you felt at the time, you may overreact in
  

  the present, damaging your present relationships.
  

  If you carry around a lot of suppressed or repressed
  guilt,
  you may live in fear of receiving punishment from authority figures such as bosses or the police, you may set yourself up for punishment by acting out, or you may pun- ish yourself by being self-destructive.
  

  If you carry around a lot of suppressed or repressed
  fear,
  you may uncon- sciously avoid meeting people, or you may tell yourself you don’t like or need others.
  

  Now is the time to uncover the layers of self-doubt and fear that have pre- vented you from discovering your true self. You do this by uncovering the emotions that lie hidden deep inside you.
  

  Tear Down the Wall Brick by Brick
  

  A large part of our identity lies in whatever emotions we are feeling at any given time. Denying our feelings is denying a part of our very self, pushing
  

  it down and smothering it. Allowing yourself to express your feelings— whether it be anger, pain, or fear—is an assertion of your right to feel and to be your true self.
  

  Earlier in this book I explained how many of us develop what is com- monly referred to as a “false self,” a facade we present to the world portray- ing us as stronger, more together, more sure of ourselves than we truly are. This false self protects our more vulnerable, true self that we keep hidden from others and often from ourselves.
  

  Creating a false self is like building a brick wall to protect the true self. Unfortunately, this same brick wall that enables us to appear to be far more self-confident than we truly are also keeps us from making contact with our true selves.
  

  To connect with your authentic self and discover your true feelings you will first need to recognize the wall that blocks access to them and then begin to tear down the wall brick by brick. This will obviously take time and focus, but the alternative is to remain disconnected from your emotions and your- self, something you undoubtedly don’t want to do.
  

  Don’t Let Your Fear of Your Emotions Stop You
  

  One of the best ways to avoid your emotions is to make sure you are never alone long enough for your feelings to emerge. Once you spend some time alone, you will find that your suppressed and repressed feelings will bubble up and cry out for expression. This experience is often frightening and can drive you back out into the world, where your feelings can get drowned out by the noises around you.
  

  We often become frightened when we feel anything intensely, whether it is anger, fear, pain, or even love and joy. We are afraid that our feelings will overpower us or that we will go crazy from them. We imagine our emotions spilling out all over the place, creating havoc in our lives.
  

  In reality, it is what we
  don’t
  express that can get us into trouble. The more we repress our feelings, the more likely it is that they will burst out when we least expect it. Rest assured, you will not go crazy if you allow yourself to feel and express your strong emotions. If you consistently allow yourself to express your feelings when they occur instead of holding them in, you will find you will actually feel more in control of your emotions, not less.
  

  It takes a great deal of vital energy to push down feelings of anger and sadness. When these emotions are released, on the other hand, most people feel energized and far more free to create the kind of life they want to live.
  

  It is never too late to reclaim those disowned emotions, to open yourself up gradually and allow your feelings to peek out. Test the waters if you must,
  

  choose safe people to expose your tender feelings to, but vow to wake up from your emotional slumber and join the living.
  

  It is impossible in one book to explore all the avenues of self-discovery. Instead, in the back of this book I suggest books for you to read that will help you explore other options that have worked for other women, such as medi- tation and connecting with your spirit. For many women, cultivating their inner life through a spiritual connection to nature and creative expression can be especially rewarding.
  

  No matter which path you take, the important thing is that you dedicate yourself to discovering your authentic self instead of focusing all your time and energy on meeting a man, pleasing a man, or figuring out a man. Until you do, you will be unable to experience true intimacy with a man.
  

  13
  

  Find Your Voice
  

  Only when you are fully able to say no will you become able to say yes! from your whole being.
  

  W
  ILLIAM
  A
  SHOKA
  R
  OSS
  

  So often I have listened to everyone else’s truth and tried to make it mine. Now, I am listening deep inside for my own voice and I am softly, yet firmly, speaking my truth.
  

  L
  IANE
  C
  ORDES
  

  I can’t believe I’m forty years old and just learning to stand up for myself. All my life I’ve done what others wanted me to do, first my parents and then my husband. But I’m tired of it and tired of being unhappy. I want a life. I want to be someone who has opinions and demands, someone who isn’t afraid to voice them. I want other people to listen to me while I tell them what I think and how I feel for a change.
  

  J
  OANIE
  ,
  AGE FORTY
  

  Finding your voice means many things to many people. For some it means finding a better way to communicate their needs and desires; for others it means being able to speak up when they disagree instead of remaining pas- sive. For some, finding their voice means finding a way to say NO!—when they don’t want to do something, when they strongly disapprove of another’s
  

  197
  

  actions, when they’ve finally had enough. For others, finding their voice means learning to say YES!—to stand up for what they believe in, to assert their right to do as they please, to find the courage to live an independent life with or without a relationship.
  

  For some Disappearing Women, finding your voice will involve speaking the words of anger, pain, fear, guilt, and shame that you’ve repressed or sup- pressed for years. It will mean finally being able to speak out loud about the abuse and neglect you experienced as a child. For others it will mean being able to finally speak about the domestic violence or rape you experienced as an adult.
  

  Finding your voice can also mean discovering a way to communicate your beliefs, your deepest feelings, or your ideas about how to improve your envi- ronment, the world, or the way women are treated in the world. Some women find their voice through politics, social action, or protest, while others find their voice through creative endeavors.
  

  In this chapter I’ll explain how women in general have come to lose their voices and provide strategies to help you begin finding your individual voice. These strategies vary in difficulty from relatively simple to very difficult. Do not judge yourself if your attempts don’t bring you immediate success, but remember that each attempt on your part will bring you that much closer to finding your voice and your inner strength. Even seemingly unsuccessful attempts will cause you to feel better about yourself if you just give yourself credit for trying.
  

  Women of Substance
  

  Women of Substance aren’t afraid to voice their opinion or to say what is on their mind. They know they have a right to their feelings and their point of view, and they aren’t afraid of others disagreeing with them. They don’t see life as a popularity contest, and they don’t take it personally if someone dis- agrees with them.
  

  Women of Substance know they can’t please everyone, and they don’t try.
  

  They know their limits and know when to say no.
  

  Women of Substance know that if they don’t speak up for themselves, no one else will. They know that by keeping silent when others treat them inap- propriately, without respect or abusively, they are giving silent permission to this very treatment.
  

  Women of Substance know that if they don’t make their needs known, they can’t very well expect others to meet them. They don’t expect others to read their minds or to know intuitively what they want or need but take responsibility for asking for what they want in a clear, unashamed way.
  

  Why Women Have Lost Their Voices
  

  The Harvard Project on Women’s Psychology and the Development of Girls investigated women’s lives, moving backward developmentally from adult- hood to adolescence and from adolescence to childhood.
  

  They came to realize that girls’ initiation or passage into adulthood “in a world psychologically rooted and historically anchored in the experiences of powerful men” forced the girls toward relinquishing what they knew and to silence their own voices:
  

  . . . the coming not to know what one knows, the difficulty hearing or lis- tening to one’s voice, the disconnection between mind and body, thoughts and feelings, and the use of one’s voice to cover rather than to convey one’s inner world, so that relationships no longer provide chan- nels for exploring the connections between one’s inner life and the world of others.
  

  Far more than male children, girls are taught to obey adults, even at the cost of their own comfort or safety. The following example illustrates this point.
  

  When Kendra was a little girl, her mother taught her that it was unlady- like for girls to complain or make a fuss. During the summer of her eleventh year she began feeling pain on her right side. When she politely told her mother, she was told to stop complaining—that she probably just ate too much for lunch. Because Kendra did tend to overeat, she thought her mother was probably right. Even though the pain continued, Kendra never complained again. Two weeks later she passed out at a family picnic and was rushed to the hospital with acute appendicitis. The doctors were shocked when they saw her appendix, which was close to becoming gan- grenous.
  

  Talk to any voice coach and he or she will talk about “freeing the natu- ral voice,” which is the process of freeing the voice from blocks created by inhibitions and fears. Those who were told to be quiet, to keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves, and those who have been traumatized will often have more difficulty connecting with their natural voice than those who are encouraged to express themselves and those who have not been traumatized. Whenever I see an adult female client who has a high-pitched, childlike voice, I usually suspect that there was some trauma in her background that prevented her from fully developing her voice.