Loving Him Without Losing You (20 page)

• B
  ARB ARA
  : T
  HE
  D
  UTIFUL
  W
  IFE
  

  Barbara, age fifty-one, a woman I interviewed for this book, was abused by the unreasonable expectations of her partner:
  

  When Abe and I first got married I played the role of the dutiful wife. This is how I’d been raised, and I was happy doing it. I loved him and I loved pleasing him. But as the years went by it was harder and harder to please him. He began complaining about everything I did. I didn’t cook the meat just right. I didn’t put enough starch in his shirts. I didn’t clean the bathroom often enough. This went on for years, all the while with me trying harder to please him.
  

  Then he started in on my personality. I didn’t seem cheerful enough when we had guests over for dinner, and I talked too much. When I talked I went off on tangents and never stuck to the subject. I com- plained too much about what was going on in the world, it was boring. Each time he criticized me I took it to heart and tried to change. I didn’t want to irritate him. I wanted him to be happy. But as much as I
  

  tried to change, he always found something else to complain about.
  

  The relationship between Abe and Barbara is an example of how a woman gives up her power and, in essence, invites a man to misuse the power she’s given him. Because Barbara had given in to Abe so much in the beginning of their relationship, it set the stage for further demands from him as time went on. The more she gave in to him, the more permission she gave him to con- tinue finding fault in her.
  

  Verbal Abuse
  

  This behavior involves berating, belittling, criticizing, name-calling, scream- ing, threatening, blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation. It is extremely damaging to your self-esteem and self-image. Just as assuredly as physical violence assaults the body, verbal abuse assaults the mind and the spirit,
  

  causing wounds that are extremely difficult to heal. And when a man verbally assaults a woman he is also often intimidating her with the unspoken threat of physical violence.
  

  Blaming
  

  Blaming can be a form of verbal abuse, but it also constitutes a category of its own. A blamer is a person who automatically assumes that whenever something goes wrong it is someone else’s fault. If this kind of person ever does admit to being responsible for something or for doing something wrong, he will always justify or rationalize his behavior by trying to convince you that his behavior is an understandable reaction to some deficiency in you, or that he was provoked into doing it by something you did.
  

  For example, if a blamer has impotence problems he will say, “I wouldn’t have this problem is you weren’t so fat,” or “If you’d be a little more assertive I might not have this problem.” If a man who tends to blame has a drinking problem he’s likely to blame his girlfriend or his wife for it. And if a blamer has a tendency to be lazy, he will blame the woman in his life because she nags at him so much about his procrastination or blame the fact that he isn’t getting ahead in life because she takes up so much of his time.
  

  Disappearing Women are especially susceptible to men who blame because they tend to blame themselves so much. A typical Disappearing Woman will automatically look to herself first as the cause of problems in her relationships. And she will be the first to acknowledge her faults and shortcomings and to admit any mistakes she may have made. This gives a blamer ample ammuni- tion to use against her in the future. The next time there is a disagreement, he will bring up her vulnerabilities as the reasons for his poor behavior.
  

  Constant Criticism
  

  When someone continuously finds fault, can never be pleased, and is unre- lentingly critical of you, it is the insidious nature and cumulative effects of the abuse that do the damage. Over time, this type of abuse eats away at your self- confidence and sense of self-worth, undermining any good feelings you have about yourself and your accomplishments or achievements. Eventually you become convinced that nothing you do is worthwhile, and you may feel like giving up.
  

  Emotional Blackmail
  

  Emotional blackmail is one of the most powerful forms of manipulation. It occurs when someone either consciously or unconsciously coerces other people into doing what he wants by playing on their fear, guilt, or compassion.
  

  Women, in particular, are easily exploited because they tend to place others’ wishes and feelings ahead of their own. They can easily be made to feel guilty for thinking of their own needs and feelings first.
  

  You are being emotionally blackmailed when a man threatens to end a relationship if you don’t give him what he wants, or when he rejects you or distances himself from you until you give in to his demands. If your partner gives you the “cold shoulder” whenever he is displeased with you, threatens to leave you, or uses other fear tactics to get you under his control, he is using the tactic of emotional blackmail.
  

  Threats of emotional blackmail don’t have to be overt. In fact, they are often quite subtle. For example, a man may suggest offhandedly that it gets much harder to find a new partner as you get older, or that we often don’t know how good we have it until our partner leaves.
  

  The following are warning signs that you are being emotionally black- mailed:
  

  • Your partner asks you to choose between something you want to do and him.
    

  • Your partner asks you to give up something or someone as a way of proving your love for him.
    

  • Your partner threatens to leave you if you don’t change.
    

    While we are all sometimes guilty of some of the behaviors I’ve listed here, there is a vast difference between name-calling or criticizing in the heat of an argument and doing so daily.
    

    Similarly, constant complaining is not necessarily emotionally abusive unless it is destructive and the intent is to make the other person feel bad. For example, a husband who complains that the house isn’t clean isn’t necessar- ily being emotionally abusive if the house is in fact not clean. But if he con- stantly tells his wife that she is bad, lazy, inconsiderate, selfish, and so on because she does not clean the house, then he is being abusive.
    

    True emotional abuse is distinguished by the following:
    

  • It is constant, as opposed to occasional.
    

  • The intent is to devalue and denigrate rather than to simply state a complaint.
    

  • The intent is to dominate and control rather than to provide construc- tive criticism.
    

  • The person has an
    overall
    attitude of disrespect toward you, rather than just not liking something specific you are doing.
    

    For a complete listing of the different types of emotional abuse, and more about emotional abusers, please refer to my book
    The Emotionally Abused Woman.
    

    A Woman of Substance chooses to have equal relationships with both men and women. She is no longer searching for a father or mother substitute, since she recognizes the inappropriateness and the danger in doing so (witness the trouble Monica Lewinsky got into by seeking out older men as lovers
    and
    older women as friends). Instead of attracting and being attracted to “teach- ers,” “nurturers,” or “controllers,” a Woman of Substance searches out friends and lovers who are her intellectual and emotional peers, those who are capa- ble of more give-and-take in a relationship, those who accept her as she is instead of constantly trying to change her into someone else.
    

    Make sure that the man you love sees you as his equal and that you in turn see yourself as equal to any man. In a healthy relationship both partners com- plement each other by making up for one another’s weaknesses; they don’t use their strengths to intimidate or to make their partner feel “less than.”
    

    By choosing an equal partner and by creating a relationship based on equality, mutuality, and reciprocity, you create an environment where you feel such acceptance and love that you can become the best you can be, as can your partner.
    

    Loving Him
    

    It is not loving of you to allow your partner to dominate or abuse you, nor is it loving for you to dominate or emotionally abuse your partner.
    

    As unloving as it is for a man to dominate or emotionally abuse a woman, it is equally unloving for a woman to choose a man she feels superior to just so she can be the one who is in control. Don’t take the easy way out by choosing a man who feels “less than” you, who will allow you to control or abuse
    him.
    Hold out for an equal relationship.
    

    Many Disappearing Women, especially those at the extreme end of the con- tinuum, become emotionally abusive in their attempts to maintain their sense of self. As a way of protecting themselves from true intimacy, or in reaction to their fear of engulfment, they criticize, complain to, and demean their part- ners. Others become abusive by constantly lashing out verbally, releasing on their partners the pent-up anger they should be directing toward their parents or other abusers. If this applies to you, the most loving thing you can do for your partner is to work on releasing your anger in more constructive ways.
    

    11
    

    Commitment 7
    

    S
    PEAK
    Y
    OUR
    M
    IND
    

    I’ve tried talking to my husband about the things that bother me, but he just thinks I’m criticizing him and gets defensive. He accuses me of always stirring up trouble when nothing’s really wrong, and he doesn’t really listen to what I say. So I just clam up for a while. But that doesn’t work either because things build up and I end up yelling—which I don’t want to do.
    

    S
    UNNY
    ,
    AGE FORTY
    -
    ONE
    

    Aside from describing how women lose themselves in relationships, another reason I use the term “Disappearing Women” is that many women, particu- larly those currently in a relationship, complain about not being listened to, heard, or “seen” by their partners. How many of the following statements describe you?
    

  • When you muster up enough strength to voice an opinion or to dis- agree with your partner, you usually have the experience of being ignored or discounted.
    

  • You seldom if ever feel you are fully acknowledged or appreciated for what you bring to the relationship.
    

  • You often feel as if the help you provide or the favors you give are taken for granted or negated.
    

  • Although you are extremely sensitive to the feelings and the needs of your partner, you often feel that he doesn’t reciprocate but instead ignores your feelings and needs.
    

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If even one of these statements describes you and your situation, you are not alone. Many women experience these feelings in their relationships with men, as did my client, Donna.

When Donna first came to see me she was suffering from depression. For several months she had lost interest in all of the things that once excited her— her job, her children’s progress at school, even sex with her husband. No mat- ter how much sleep she got, she was tired all the time.

When I asked her how her marriage was going she answered with the proverbial “fine,” but after a few sessions it became clear that she had been unhappy for quite some time. Her husband, Cliff, had a very forceful person- ality, and Donna had long since given up trying to oppose him in any way.

“I learned early on in our marriage that it just wasn’t worth it to disagree with him. He wouldn’t listen to my point of view anyway and I would just end up feeling upset and confused.”

So for years, Donna had just gone along with whatever Cliff wanted, becoming more and more invisible with each passing day. Finally she couldn’t do it anymore—her entire system had shut down.

Donna had lost up her voice, and in doing so she had sacrificed a part of herself. While it may have felt hopeless to communicate her feelings to her husband, by giving up trying, she had essentially given up on the relationship. You cannot hope to have a truly intimate, loving relationship if you decide to give up your right to speak out, to voice your opinions, to ask for your needs to be met, and to disagree when necessary.

Giving Up

Donna’s story is so typical it is sad. Time after time my clients complain to me that they have given up trying to communicate with their male partners about their needs or about the things that upset them.

“Every time I bring something up my husband sighs, rolls his eyes, and says, ‘What is it
this
time?’ as if all I ever do is complain. It is so demoraliz- ing. Why should I even keep trying when he has this attitude?”

Eventually these kinds of attitudes and remarks take their toll on a woman, and she may begin to doubt her perceptions and blame herself.

“Maybe my husband is right. Maybe I do look for things to complain about. After all, in most areas my husband treats me very well. Maybe I don’t have the right to ask him to change. I’m not perfect either and he doesn’t com- plain about my behavior.”

What is sad is that by not treating women with respect and equality, some men set themselves up for their wives and lovers to complain. It is, in

fact, the subtle, continuous buildup of slights and condescensions that lead to the “complaining” in the first place. Unfortunately, these men tend to become defensive and retreat behind their walls of condescension and arrogance, blaming a woman for having complaints in the first place and for “starting trouble” instead of focusing on their own behavior.

What is even sadder is that some men actually
need
women to teach them about equality, compromise, and cooperation—attitudes and behaviors that do not come naturally to them. They need the skills that women can teach them about how to relate to others in a more respectful, meaningful way and how to achieve true understanding with others, and yet they push away the les- sons and the teachers in their attempt to protect their egos and maintain the status quo.

Much of the arguing that goes on in relationships is an indication that a woman is trying to restructure the relationship to make it more emotionally satisfying to
both
parties. Although women are accused of being “complain- ers” and “troublemakers,” by bringing up the issues and addressing the unspo- ken concerns they usually are the ones who make it possible for relationships to survive. Not only do women bring up their own problems in the relation- ship, but also, if their partner seems unhappy, they will try to find out why.