Loving Him Without Losing You (21 page)

And the saddest thing is that so many women give up and don’t try any- more. They either go their own way, try to develop a separate life from their husband or lover, or leave the relationship entirely.

Fortunately, there are several strategies that have proven effective in help- ing many of the women I’ve worked with to speak up in their personal rela- tionships. I’ve listed them in the following steps:

Step 1: Value and voice your opinions, beliefs, and knowledge Step 2: Speak up for what you need

Step 3: Call your man on his attitudes and behavior Step 4: State your grievances in a relationship

Step 5: Stand by what you’ve said

Step 1: Value and Voice Your Opinions, Beliefs, and Knowledge

Let’s begin at the beginning—when you first meet a new man. If you can establish emotional equality at the beginning of the relationship, you can avoid the typical problems that most couples encounter once they marry or move in together.

Start off by remembering how delicate the male psyche is. This will help you view the entire situation differently. Realize, from the beginning, that even though you have much to teach the men in your life, they will feel threatened by your attempts.

Then, instead of keeping quiet out of fear of offending a man, continue to be yourself. Take the risk of voicing your opinions, and then follow it up with a reassuring statement such as “I hope we can agree to disagree. I don’t always have to be right and I’m sure you don’t either,” or “I love to debate, don’t you? It’s so stimulating. In fact, it kind of turns me on.”

Only the most controlling of men want a woman who agrees with him all the time, who doesn’t have her own opinions and beliefs. As much as men are afraid of being dominated, they don’t respect a woman who allows herself to be dominated either. A woman pays the price not only of becoming more and more invisible the less she speaks up, but also of losing the respect of the man she loves. (You will, however, continue to meet men who express horror at women who disagree with them, men who will try to make it very uncom- fortable for you to disagree or speak up. While these same men may respect you secretly or in the long run, don’t expect them to verbalize this respect.)

In addition, realize that traditionally, thinking has been considered a male province, and women’s thought processes have been devalued and down- graded. While women’s thinking can be characterized as different from men’s, it is not less than men’s. Women tend to think in complex, circular patterns rather than in a linear progression.

Because women’s minds have been devalued both by society and by dys- functional families, many women have not explored either how they think or what they think. Therefore, becoming familiar with your thinking—how your mind works, what triggers a thought process, how you solve problems, what prevents you from thinking clearly about an issue—can be informative and empowering.

Step 2: Speak Up for What You Need

Begin to take risks by verbally asking that some of your needs be met by your lover or husband. Don’t make the mistake of expecting him to figure out what you need without your telling him. At a very early age girls develop the abil- ity to “intuit” what others are feeling, and in turn, grow up expecting others to be able to figure out what they are feeling without their needing to explain it. But most men don’t operate that way. They fully expect you to ask if you want or need something, and many have little inherent ability to figure out what your needs are.

In addition, don’t hint at what you want, be vague about what you want, or test him by asking him if he thinks he meets your needs. These tactics make men feel manipulated, and this makes them angry. State your needs clearly and specifically, such as, “I would appreciate it if you’d call me the next time you’re going to be late so I don’t have to worry.”

E
X E R C I S E
:
Your Emotional Needs

In addition to our physical needs for food, shelter, safety, and rest, we have emotional needs that are just as crucial for our survival.

1. Make a list of the things you feel you need for your emotional survival.
   

2. How many of these needs are you meeting yourself?
   

3. How many of these needs does your partner meet?
   

   

   Many Disappearing Women are unaware of their emotional needs. If this is your situation, the following list will give you some ideas. We need to:
   

   • be heard
     —this includes being listened to and understood by those we love;
     

   • be seen
     —this includes not being ignored, not being discounted, and not being falsely perceived;
     

   • be accepted
     for ourselves;
     

   • be touched
     —this includes touching that is nonsexual, that conveys affection and support;
     

   • be supported
     and nurtured—this includes being encouraged when you have an idea or when you wish to explore something new, as well as being complimented for your efforts;
     

   • be trusted
     and trust others;
     

   • be loved;
     

   • be our authentic selves;
     

   • know our life
     makes a difference and
     has a purpose.
     

As you can see, not all these needs can be met by your partner (such as your need to be your authentic self and your need for purpose in your life). In part III we will discuss ways for you to begin meeting these needs. But your partner should be able to meet the other needs on this list at least some of the time.

The best way to begin is by letting your partner know what your needs are. A good way to open the discussion is to ask him to list his needs, and then to share your lists with one another. If that goes well you can share with one another which of your needs are being met by one another and which are not. Finally, you can share ideas on how you can begin meeting one another’s needs better.

Step 3: Call Your Man on His Attitudes and Behavior

The most effective way for you to call a man on offensive attitudes and behavior is for you to remember that you need to act as a role model to teach him more effective ways of communicating. Instead of taking it personally, realize that many men simply do not know how to communicate their feelings in direct ways. Instead, they couch their feelings in indifference, condescen- sion, humor, or sarcasm. The following is a list of the behaviors and attitudes that most offend and hurt women, along with suggestions on how to call a man on them and how to model more constructive, healthy behaviors and atti- tudes.

Don’t be afraid to exercise your right to call a man on any and all of the following:

• Criticism.
  Many men feel they have a right to criticize a woman they are dating, even at the beginning of a relationship, and they often get away with it under the guise of being “helpful,” or as a way of sharing with her their experience or “superior” knowledge. But this is just a way for them to hide their own insecurities and to establish their superiority in the relationship. If you allow this criticism, no matter how subtle, to continue you are essen- tially agreeing to have an unequal relationship, one in which it will be nearly impossible for you to be treated with respect, mutuality, and reci- procity. Call this behavior what it is—criticism— and state clearly that you do not wish to be criticized by him.
  

I’m always pleased when I learn tactics from clients. Recently a woman in one of my groups shared with me how she dealt with the constant criti- cism she was receiving from her husband:

“One day it just hit me and I thought, ‘I don’t have to accept his criti- cism.’ And so the next time he criticized me I just told him, ‘I don’t accept your criticism.’ He just stared at me for a minute and then walked away. I couldn’t believe it! Instead of having to endure minutes and sometimes hours of his haranguing me about something I’d done or not done, it all

stopped before it started with just that one statement. After that I said the same thing every time he started in on me, and pretty soon he stopped altogether.”

While I can’t guarantee you will have the same experience, it has helped several of my other clients. Try it and see what happens with you.

• Making fun of you.
  Many men use humor as a way of subtly putting you down. They do this partly because of habit—it is a common practice among men to tease and make fun of one another—and partly as a way of gaining dominance. But it is also a passive-aggressive way by which some men communicate their hostility. Many men are used to being treated this way by their peers, but this behavior is especially hurtful to women because we can sense the hostility underneath. If one of his “humorous” put-downs hurts your feelings, tell him about it and explain
  why
  it hurt. If he tries to laugh it off, look him directly in the eyes and say something like, “I’m really serious about this. That comment hurt my feelings. Please don’t say that kind of thing to me again.”
  

• Sarcastic remarks.
  This, too, is a way for a man to passively-aggressively let you know how he really feels without taking the risk of coming out and saying it directly. Follow the same suggestions that I made when he makes fun of you.
  

• Condescension.
  Many men are raised around other male figures who have misogynistic attitudes toward women, and because of this they grow up feeling they are superior to women. Never allow a man to make conde- scending remarks to you, even in the beginning. If you do, you are giving silent permission for him to continue both his behavior and his attitude. Say something like, “Do you realize how condescending that remark was?” or “I’m sure you don’t really feel you are superior to me, but that kind of com- ment makes it sound like you do.”
  

• Not taking you seriously or minimizing and trivializing what you have to say.
  The sad truth is that some men simply do not value what women say. They think of women as if they were children to be adored, comforted, and protected, not adults who are equal to them in intelligence, talent, power, and accomplishments.
  

  It is your job to let the men in your life know that you have ideas and opinions and that you expect your ideas and opinions to be listened to and respected. If you find that a man isn’t listening to you, or if he changes the subject when you begin to speak, gently call him on it by saying something like, “I really enjoyed listening to you earlier. I think you had a lot of good
  

  ideas. Now I’d appreciate it if you’d return the favor and listen to my point of view.”
  

• Interrupting you.
  To many men, a conversation, especially one that has turned into a debate, is like a battle in which the ultimate goal is to defeat your opponent at all costs. This means it is okay to interrupt the other per- son, to try to outtalk her, to raise his voice and drown her out, or to discredit her in any way possible.
  

  If he begins to argue with you before you even have a chance to get your ideas across, stop speaking for a minute and say, “I really like to debate with you like this. It’s exciting. But it would be so much more fun if you’d stop interrupting me.”
  

  If he continues arguing with you, stop talking again, look him directly in the eyes, and say something like, “I listened without interrupting until you were finished telling me your point of view. Now I expect you to lis- ten to my point of view without interrupting me.”
  

  If he still continues interrupting you to get his point across, stop talk- ing and say something like, “It seems like it’s far more important to you to be right, and all I wanted to do was have a lively discussion. Let’s talk another time when you’re more in the mood to listen.”
  

  Don’t Fall for These Excuses
  

  Many men are defensive and give excuses for their behavior. Don’t fall for any of the following excuses, no matter how good they may sound. They are just ways for him to get out of taking responsibility for his behavior, and some are out-and-out emotionally abusive.
  

• You are being “unreasonable.”
  It is perfectly reasonable for you to state that you don’t want to be criticized, made fun of, or condescended to. In fact it is “unreasonable” for him to expect to treat you in any of these ways with- out repercussions.
  

• You are being “hysterical.”
  This is another typical misogynistic attitude stemming from the very outdated belief that women who are upset are either on their period, premenstrual, menopausal, or crazy. It negates your right to your anger and is very demeaning.
  

• You are “trying to start trouble.”
  Far from trying to start trouble, many women try very hard to avoid it by going along with whatever a man says or does. This comment is condescending and misogynistic and is meant to throw you off track.
  

  Behaviors to Avoid on Your Part
  

  It is also important that you avoid engaging in any of the following behaviors. Many of these behaviors weaken your position or give your partner an excuse for ignoring you, while others merely add to your own frustration.
  

• Don’t whine or whimper.
  The biggest complaint men have about women is that they whine too much. Interestingly, the thing women like the least about men is their arrogance. Your whining makes a man even more arro- gant than he might be otherwise because it causes him to perceive you as a victim, a martyr, or a loser—all things that men are programmed from an early age
  not
  to be and to disrespect in others. That’s why so many men say things such as, “Oh, poor little girl” when a woman complains in a whiny fashion.
  

• Don’t allow things to build up.
  By keeping quiet you’re sending the mes- sage that it’s okay for him to act inappropriately. A mistake many women make is to put up with inappropriate behavior for too long in their attempts to keep the peace. Then they get to the point where they can’t take it any- more and go into a tirade about all the things he’s done wrong. They end up losing control and giving him a good excuse to say they are being “unrea- sonable” or “hysterical.”
  

  Instead, consistently state your complaints and your needs each time they come up, using “I” statements. This may feel tiresome and it may prompt him to call you a nag, but it will make you feel better for having stood up for yourself.
  

• Don’t expect him to admit he was wrong or to apologize.
  If you demand that he do either of these things he’ll likely become just that much more defen- sive. It’s a matter of pride for a man to remain strong, not admit defeat, and continue to believe he is right even when he has been proven wrong. In any case, demanding an apology can give him too much power, since it sends the message that your happiness is in his hands.
  

• Don’t say you were wrong just to keep the peace.
  Never say you were wrong if you don’t believe it just so you can appease him or make up with him. Many women, especially Disappearing Women, become afraid that if they don’t give in they risk a man’s anger or worse yet, risk losing him. Say- ing you were wrong when you don’t believe you were will eventually back- fire on you. It will cause you to doubt your own perceptions as you come to believe your own words, and it will cause your partner to lose respect for you and can invite either emotional or physical abuse.
  

• Don’t start screaming and yelling.
  While it is perfectly understandable to lose your cool when a man ignores you, minimizes what you’ve said, or calls you a liar, if you start screaming at him the discussion will only dete- riorate or escalate, both of which are extremely unproductive. In addition, it will only give him a good excuse to accuse you of being crazy, irrational, or hysterical.
  

  If you’ve become so frustrated and angry that you need to scream, go into your bedroom, put a pillow over your head, and let loose. Or take a shower and scream your head off.
  

• Don’t be afraid to get angry.
  Anger is a great motivator and provides us with a great sense of power. Far from making you irrational, anger can some- times cause you to think more clearly, and it usually helps quiet your fears of rejection or abandonment. Just don’t let your anger build up to the point where you do become irrational, where you are likely to lose it and begin screaming inappropriately, or where you lash out physically at your partner.
  

• Don’t allow your partner to verbally, emotionally, or physically abuse you.
  Verbal abuse includes calling you derogatory names (bitch, whore), or telling you you are stupid, ugly, fat, or insane. Emotional abuse is trying to make you think you are crazy, threatening to end the relationship if you don’t do as he says, or threatening to hit you if you don’t be quiet. Physi- cal abuse includes hitting, punching, pushing, tripping, or dragging. It also includes breaking down doors, putting his fist through windows, breaking dishes, or throwing things at you. Tactics of intimidation are forms of abuse, even if he doesn’t physically touch you. Don’t tolerate these tactics. Call them what they are: abuse.
  

  Step 4: State Your Grievances in a Relationship
  

  Some women have such low self-esteem that they don’t feel they have the right to complain. They convince themselves they are making a big thing out of nothing, or they justify their partner’s behavior, convincing themselves that he really didn’t mean it or that he couldn’t help himself.
  

  Others are so dependent on their partner that they are terrified of calling him on his behavior for fear of making him angry. They fear rejection or worse—abandonment—to such an extent that they put up with horrible behavior from their partner. If this is you, you will need to risk making him angry if you are going to have any hope of having a healthy relationship. You will need to find your voice and risk stating your grievances if you are going to become a Woman of Substance.
  

  Still others complain about the same issues over and over to such an extent that their partners simply ignore them. Often frustrated not only by the fact that their requests are being ignored, but also by the fact that harmony has not been established, many women attempt to say the same words differently, hoping that if they can just find the right way of saying it, possibly a more diplomatic way, their partner will be sure to listen. Assuming that he has the same desire to resolve conflicts and differences, they feel continual attempts on their part will be successful. However, many men do not have the same needs for resolution. Their need to protect themselves takes far more precedence, and they shut down even more at each attempt on a woman’s part. This is one reason why you so often hear men complaining about women “nagging.”
  

  Instead of withholding your anger, whining, nagging, or blowing up, try stating your grievances when they first come up in as honest a manner as pos- sible. Never start out with name-calling and avoid “you,” “always,” and “never” statements such as “You never ask me how I’m feeling,” or “You always assume I’m the one who is wrong.” Instead, simply state your griev- ance using “I” statements such as “I would like it if you’d ask me how I’m feeling sometimes,” or “I don’t like it when you assume I’m wrong.”
  

  State your position and stick to it. Don’t back down, and don’t apologize for bringing up the issue. There is no need to argue about what you’ve said. If he defends himself, listen carefully and then say, “I understand you don’t agree with me and you have a right to your point of view. But I would appre- ciate it if you’d think about what I’ve said.”
  

  If you’ve asked him to do something specific and he insists that he already does it, say something like this: “Maybe you’re right. I’ll try to pay more attention. On the other hand, maybe you could try a little harder or do it a lit- tle more often so that I will notice it next time.”
  

  Step 5: Stand By What You’ve Said
  

  While it is very important to stand up for yourself and state your grievances, if you end up backing down or giving in, the next time he behaves in the same inappropriate way your words of confrontation will mean nothing. Your part- ner will assume you were just “spouting off ” and that he doesn’t need to take you seriously.
  

  Therefore, you need to be consistent and state consequences. Don’t com- plain endlessly about his excessive drinking, only to get drunk with him one night. And don’t threaten to leave and then not act on it, as my client Gigi did:
  

  “I finally got enough nerve to tell Warren that the relationship was unac- ceptable. I told him everything I felt and that I couldn’t continue. He just stared at me in disbelief. I guess he never thought I’d speak up.”
  

  This was a big step for Gigi, since she’d never been able to confront Warren before. But it is not enough to speak up, you must also back up what you say with action, and Gigi couldn’t do this.
  

  “But he kept coming over. It was so strange. I didn’t know what to do.
  

  After several weeks I guess I lost my nerve and we were together again.”
  

  Why couldn’t she just tell him she didn’t want to see him? Where was her voice? The key here was that
  she needed him
  and was afraid to alienate him completely. He had all the power in the relationship. If she angered him she was afraid he’d go away for good, since she was emotionally dependent on him.
  

  If you aren’t willing to stand by your words, if you aren’t willing to take the necessary action to create change, then you shouldn’t threaten. Threaten- ing to leave if your mate doesn’t do as you wish or in a moment of anger with- out taking any action only weakens your words and your position, and threatening to leave if he doesn’t change can be a form of emotional black- mail. If you really don’t want the relationship to end but are just trying to get your partner to change, don’t threaten to end it or say the relationship is over. Ask for what you need in the relationship, and then if it isn’t forthcoming, decide whether you want to stay or leave.
  

  Speaking your mind means never again sitting in silence when a man cuts you off, negates what you are saying, or criticizes you for stating your opin- ions and your beliefs. Once you have found your voice, you realize that you have as much right to speak as anyone else and as much right to disagree with others.
  

  As you learn to speak your mind, you’ll also find out who loves you for being who you really are. Chances are, he’ll love you and respect you more in the long run even if there are some bumps in your relationship as you move along the road to self-discovery. Just stick to your path toward authenticity, and the strength of your conviction will sustain you. As a result, healthy rela- tionships will thrive, unhealthy relationships will die. Whatever happens, you’ve become your own person, and that’s the greatest gift you can give yourself.
  

  Loving Him
  

  You can speak your mind and still be loving. While it’s important to call a man on inappropriate attitudes or behaviors, you don’t need to make him feel like he’s an idiot or a monster. Therefore, when you bring something to his atten- tion, practice the following suggestions: