Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes (26 page)

Moocher pulled up me frock an jammed his hand between me legs, pullin an draggin at me, an rockin me very hard on his lap. He was red in the face an breathin very heavily. ‘Stay quiet! Be still! It won't hurt.'

I arched me back an straightened me legs an slid off his lap. He grabbed me by me hair an yanked me back on te his lap. ‘I'll fuckin burst ye!' he said inta me face, wit his eyes bulgin an his teeth gritted. ‘Now stay quiet an do as ye're told!'

I couldn't understand why Jackser was lettin him get away wit this. Me heart was hammerin in me chest, an I knew this man would hurt me badly if I didn't stay quiet. He opened his trousers, an a horrible hairy long wet thing slid out. ‘Here, pull this!' he said.

I looked away, it was smelly an dirty. He kept pullin at it an rubbin his fist between me legs. Jackser stayed in the scullery. An somethin came pourin outa the thing between his legs, an he pushed me belly down on top of it an nearly smothered me head in his coat. Then he lifted me off him an buttoned his trousers up. I was covered in the smelly sticky stuff an tried te clean meself wit me frock. But the frock was soakin wet, an I was wet all over. Me neck was very sore, cos he'd put his arm aroun me, nearly chokin me. It hurt between me legs, an I felt I'd been put through a mangle. I didn't know wha te do next.

I went te the bed, te climb in beside Charlie. An I heard Jackser an Moocher whisperin an laughin. When I looked towards the scullery, Moocher was givin Jackser money. ‘Here's five bob. Tha should see ye straight.'

‘Ah, thanks fer tha,' Jackser said. ‘Do ye want a cup of tea before ye go?'

‘No, ye're all right,' Moocher said.

‘I'll be seein ye so,' Jackser said. An I jumped inta bed, coverin me head wit the blanket an coats. Jackser came in snufflin. ‘Ah, ye know wha? I miss poor Sally. Where are ye? Get out here, I want te talk te ye.' Me heart hammered through me, an I leapt outa the bed.

‘Get in there an sleep beside me! Ye can keep me company until Sally gets home.'

I stood there not takin in wha he was sayin. ‘Get in, fer fuck's sake, will ye!' I crawled inta the bed an lay at the very edge an rolled meself inta a tight ball. Jackser climbed inta the bed, an I held meself very still, afraid te breathe. He grabbed me arm an spun me aroun. ‘Wha's this? Get tha fuckin thing offa ye.' An he bounced me up te sit me an tore the frock over me head. Then he pushed me down an started maulin me. I went very stiff, tryin te ease the pain, cos he was hurtin me all over. ‘Jaysus, there isn't a pick on ye, ye're like chicken bones. Here, pull tha!'

No! No more, I thought. ‘Can I not go back te me bed? Please, Jackser, I'm tired.'

‘Stay fuckin quiet. Wha's wrong wit ye? Yer mammy loves this.' An then he climbed on top of me. Me head was suffocatin under his chest, an tha hard thing was pressin inta me stomach an hurtin me between me legs an me bones. An he was rockin like mad an snortin, an the filthy smell. An I knew this was hell. I shouldn't have been bold an cursin an fightin an callin people names. If I'd been good, I would have had a bit of peace like other childre.

‘Let me up! I'm smotherin!' I tried te move me head, but I was caught under him. I'm drownin. Jackser was snortin louder, rockin himself like mad, an he covered me face even tighter. I was goin te die, lights was flashin on an off in me head. An then it started te go dark. I felt somethin hot spillin over me, then Jackser rolled away. It stopped! It stopped! I'm covered in tha smelly stuff an I can't move meself. I can't straighten me legs. How can I get away from this bed?

Jackser started laughin. ‘Jaysus, tha was good! Did ye enjoy tha? Whatever ye do, don't say anythin te yer mammy! She will get mad jealous an think I like ye more than her. Go on, get back te yer bed. An remember what I said. Say nothin te nobody or ye won't live very long! I don't make idle threats, ye should know tha!'

I had me frock on, an I was standin there lookin at the dirty floorboards, waitin fer him te let me go te bed. ‘No, Jackser! I won't say anythin.'

Me ma came home from the hospital wit the new babby. She gorra lift home in an ambulance. All the kids came runnin from everywhere te get a look. The ambulance man helped her down the steps. I was delighted, but when I looked at her face, she was very white an tired. ‘Ye're home, Ma!' I said smilin.

‘Yeah!' she muttered, lookin away from me an then lookin back. Me left eye was closed an all purple. An me cheek an nose was swollen, an me mouth was swollen an cut. Jackser kept punchin me in the face when I tried te stop him climbin on top of me in the bed. ‘How did ye get tha face?' me ma asked.

But before I could answer, Jackser lifted me off me feet an ran me in the door. ‘Get the fuck in there! I told ye not te show yerself outside this door.'

I ran inside an waited wit me back against the wall. Please, God, don't let him hit me again. I'll be good. I won't curse any more. I was shakin.

Me ma came in slowly, carryin the new babby. She kept her eyes on me, an her mouth was movin very fast, chewin her lip. She wanted te say somethin, but I implored her wit me eyes not te say anythin. He rushed inta the scullery te make the tea. An me ma put the new babby down on the bed an gently lifted the blankets from him te get some air. He was fast asleep. She gently lifted his head an took off the white frilly bonnet he was wearin. Me an Charlie leaned over te get a look. He had long fluffy red hair an a tiny white face an lovely red lips. Then he moved his head an opened his eyes, an they were lovely navy blue. Then he started te cry like a kitten, an Charlie clapped his hands an laughed an looked at me, hoppin aroun, thinkin it was a little doll ye could play wit. Teddy stopped leapin up an down in his cot an roarin te be let out. He listened an pointed his finger at the bed, an said, ‘Owo, uwu.' I went over an put the bars down an lifted him out. He flew over on his hands an knees, an grabbed the bed wit his two fists an lifted himself up te stand.

‘Here!' Jackser roared. ‘Bring this tea inta yer mammy an get them kids away. I don't want them tormentin her. An go down te the shop an get a pint of milk. Hurry! Hurry, Mrs! Put some coal on tha fire before ye go, an go easy on it. The coal has te last.'

I rushed in wit the tea, an me ma was changin the babby. ‘Here, put this in the tilet an get me one of them napkins outa tha bag. Tell him I want the bag wit the stuff I got from the lady almoner.'

‘Wha stuff? Wha bag, Ma?

‘The one wit the blankets an the nightgown fer the babby.' I looked at her, not wantin te ask Jackser anythin. ‘Will ye hurry!' me ma roared.

Jackser flew in from the scullery. ‘Wha's goin on here? Wha the fuck are ye still doin here, are ye not gone yet?'

‘I'm goin, Jackser! Ye haven't given me the money yet.'

He snorted an reached up te the mantelpiece an handed me sixpence. ‘Have ye not put coal on tha fire yet, ye lazy bastard?' I grabbed the coal bucket an started te put coal on the fire. ‘Rake out the ashes from the bottom first,' he shouted. ‘Ye'll put the fire out.' I grabbed the poker an pushed it through the bars of the fire. ‘Not too much, ye'll take the heart outa it.'

‘OK, Jackser. I'll do it the right way.'

Me ma was keenin an mutterin, ‘Jaysus! Why do I have te come back te this place? I wish I was fuckin dead. Ye'd be better off, at least ye'd be away from here.'

I was hurryin down te the shop fer the milk, but I couldn't go very fast. I was hurtin like mad, an I gorra stabbin pain in me head an eye when I moved. ‘How're ye?' a young one from the class shouted over te me from the other side of the road. Then she came runnin over. ‘Gawd! Wha happened te yer face?' She stared at me wit her mouth open.

‘I fell against the wall.'

‘How? How did it happen?'

‘I just fell, some kids pushed me.'

‘Gawd!' she said, drawin in her breath. ‘An tell us, why are ye not in school? Flaherty will kill ye!'

‘Ah, I don't care about her,' I said.

‘But she'll send the school inspector after ye!'

‘I don't care.'

‘An ye'll be put away in a home!'

‘So let them! I don't care.'

‘Gawd! Ye're gas ye are, ye're mad.'

‘Yeah! See ya! I better hurry. Me ma's waitin on the milk.'

‘See ya, Madser!'

I didn't mind too much bein called tha, cos they all called me tha since Flaherty. They didn't mean I was stone mad, just tha I wasn't afraid of anythin or anybody, an I was always laughin an makin jokes so people might like me an let me play wit them. I had te try very hard te be like tha. But it was no good bein quiet or shy.

Jackser started leavin the house early in the mornin. He goes out aroun five or six o'clock when we're all still sleepin. Then he comes back aroun eight or nine o'clock wit women's knickers an slips, an skirts an jumpers. But the funny thing is, they're wet! Me ma tries them on when they're dry, an then he sends me off te the neighbours te sell them. He sent me over wit a black slip an matchin frilly knickers an a lovely white frilly nightdress te the dyed blonde woman who lives over us on the first balcony. She wears paint an powder, an lovely pencil skirts wit a slit down the back. An big high heels wit black stockins, an she's always stoppin te straighten the seams at the back an fix her hair. She's married te a docker, an every Friday night he struts out wit his chest stickin out, an walks like a cowboy, wit the Mrs on his arm. She runs beside him on her high heels, an in her tight skirt, laughin an wavin te all her friends. An ye get a lovely whiff of perfume from them as they pass ye by. The aul ones, leanin on their elbows an hangin over the balconies, shout over, ‘Don't do anythin I wouldn't! Or if ye do, call it after me!'

‘Ah, go on!' the blonde one shouts back, laughin. ‘I'm out te enjoy meself. We'll be a long time dead!'

‘Tha ye will, Mrs! True fer ye! Enjoy it while ye can.' An they all nod at each other in agreement.

‘Where did ye get these from?' the blonde asked.

‘Me ma's sister sent them from England,' I said. ‘But me ma has no use fer them.'

‘How much do ye want?'

‘Half a crown.'

‘Ah, no!' an she looked at them inside out. ‘Tell ye wha! I don't really want them, but tell yer mammy I'll take them off her hands fer one shillin an sixpence.'

‘Ah, they're worth ten bob as they stand,' I said. ‘Me aunt paid thirty bob fer the nightdress on its own. It was supposed te be a present fer her after she had the new babby, but me ma wouldn't wear anythin like tha. She's not as glamorous as you!'

The blonde put the nightdress up te herself again, then looked at the slip an matchin knickers. ‘Yeah! Go on, then. I'll take them. Here's a half-crown, an if ye get anythin else I'd like, let me know.' She rushed in te the sittin room an said, ‘Wait there!' an came back wit a slice of bread an lovely good butter on it. ‘Here! Enjoy tha.'

Me heart leapt! The crust was black an crunchy, an the bread was thick an snow white an soft. An the butter was lathered on an was a lovely goldie colour. I was so happy – a half-crown in one hand, tha would put Jackser in a good mood, an a lovely lump of bread an butter in the other. I sat down on the stairs te eat it very slowly, tryin te make it last. An enjoyin the taste like I was in Heaven.

The new babby is called Harry, after Jackser's brother who went te England an never came back. I take him out everywhere in his pram, an Teddy sits at the bottom, holdin onta the handlebars. An Charlie runs beside me, holdin on, too. Harry is very good, he's very quiet. An he's content te lie wit his little head on the pilla while I bounce him along in his pram, takin in all the goins on aroun him. His eyes goes from left te right, missin nothin. The mammies stop te admire him an say he's a gorgeous-lookin babby, God bless him! An Harry jerks his little body an waves his fists an makes an O sound wit his little mouth when anyone leans in te tickle his chin. Teddy smiles, too, an points te the babby, shoutin, ‘Babba! Babba!' not wantin te miss out on all the attention.

‘An how's yer mammy? Is she on her feet yet?'

‘Yeah! She's grand, Mrs, thanks,' I said.

An another mammy joined in te get a look at Harry. ‘Ah, look at him! He's lovely, Mrs, isn't he? God bless him an keep him from all harm! Ye're a great little mother, tha's all I can say. Yer mammy would be lost without ye!' I smiled, happy wit meself. Then she looked in her purse an gave us all a penny each.

‘Have ye enough there, Mrs?' the other mammy said. ‘Don't leave yerself short.'

‘Ah, sure it's only a few coppers. It won't break me.'

‘Well, if ye're sure then,' an they moved off together, their heads bent close together, tellin each other a bit of scandal.

I rushed down te the shops te buy sweets. ‘Charlie! Don't say we got money. Don't tell me ma or Jackser, or they'll kill us fer not givin it te them. We'll spend the money on sweets an say nothin, all right?'

‘Yeah!' Charlie said. ‘I'll buy meself loads a sweets.'

Jackser was walkin up an down the room wit the letter in his hand. He was ragin. ‘Can ye beat tha, Sally? They're goin te evict us!'

Me ma was sittin in the chair, starin inta the empty grate, workin her lip up an down, chewin her lip. ‘I don't know,' she was mutterin te herself. ‘Ye'd be better off dead. The sooner the better I'm six foot under, it won't be quick enough fer me.'

The babby was cranky, cos he was gettin his teeth, an I was kneelin by the cot, strokin an rubbin him, an givin him his soother, tryin te get him te sleep. But I was feelin a bit exposed now. Jackser could have one of his fits any minute wit the mood he was in an turn on me, sendin me flyin wit a kick of his boot.

‘Isn't tha wha the letter says, Mrs? Are ye payin any fuckin heed te what I'm sayin? We'll be all out on the street!' Jackser roared at me ma.