Make Every Man Want You: How to Be So Irresistible You'll Barely Keep From Dating Yourself! (9 page)

Here's a tip. If you think you look fat in a particular outfit, you probably do. I know that may seem harsh, but it's reality. Not all clothes are meant for all body types. Stick with clothes that you know look fantastic on you and that showcase your assets. Go through your wardrobe with a trusted friend and edit it down so that clothes that have you wondering if you look fat are no longer an option.

Here's another important point. No matter how thin, successful, or attractive you become, insecure thoughts
don't go away. That's because you can never resolve an inner false thought with an outer reality. It's like treating the symptom instead of curing the disease. The way to cure the insecurity dis-ease is to allow yourself to feel insecure when you do (in other words, don't resist it). But don't dwell on it either. Instead, shift your attention to what's going on in your environment. That may mean fully listening to a conversation or taking action by organizing your desk. Where your attention goes, energy flows. If you simply notice insecure thoughts without taking them personally or making them mean anything, you'll find they occur much less often. You'll also strengthen your ability to remain present and engaged in your life, which is the key to unleashing your authentic irresistibility.

To be honest, most of our thoughts are pure caca anyway (yes, that's a scientific term). Nothing has meaning other than the meaning we give it. With practice, we can train ourselves not to take our thoughts seriously or personally—especially the nonenlivening ones. When they show up, simply say, "Thanks for sharing," and get on with your life.

Women often make communication mistakes that undermine their irresistibility and send men running faster than you can say, "Marriage and kids!"

First of all, most of us don't really listen. What we do is judge whether we like or dislike what a man is saying to us, decide whether we agree or disagree with what he's saying, or determine whether we know it already. We also listen to see if what he is saying fits our agenda (like our agenda to have a boyfriend, get married, or have kids). This is not true listening.

True listening happens when you drop those internal conversations in your mind and simply hear what a man is saying to you from his perspective, as though what he is saying is the most important thing on earth and you need to hear every single word. You don't interpret, analyze, or read into it. You don't say, "In other words . . . ," and go on to put into words what you think he means. You just take it in.

When you truly listen, you become instantly attractive. By really hearing a man, you make him feel special and cared for in a very powerful way. If there's genuine chemistry between you, he'll continue to share more and more of himself because of how open and receptive you are to who he actually is (not who you are trying to get him to be). I cannot emphasize this point enough. If you really want to make every man want you, become a masterful listener.

The second communication mistake that women make is talking about other men in a way that incites jealousy and insecurity in their current partners. Ex-boyfriends, ex-husbands, other people you're dating, and how great your
male friends are—all are topics that get sticky and uncomfortable if not handled with care. Here's a hint: if in doubt, leave other men out of your relationship. There is no need to divulge details about your romantic or sexual history or build up other men to instigate competition. Those past images and stories will only haunt your current partner and create a karmic cycle of torturing one another with jealousy-based games.

Third, many women feel the need to talk about things during or after sex as though this is the time to get him to really open up about his true feelings. No, no, no! Pressuring a man to open up during or after sex is not recommended, particularly in the dating stage. Side effects of pressuring men include feelings of frustration, isolation, and, at times, extreme confusion.

It's like this: sex is an incredible opportunity to simply let go and be hot, desirous, and free. It's not about trying to get somewhere or take things to the next level. Making love is about releasing, exploring, and pleasuring yourself and another human being. It is extremely healthy and good for your mind, body, and soul. Think of sex like a form of yoga. At the end of a yoga class, you need to lie back in Savasana (the Corpse pose) in order to soak in all the benefits from the intense postures you performed. You simply lie there in a state of contentment and breathe. It's the same with sex. After you're done, allow yourselves to simply relax and soak up all the healing and rejuvenating energy you created together. If a "next level" conversation
evolves naturally, fantastic. But don't force it. Enjoy yourself and how exquisite it feels to simply be with another human being.

Let's be honest, shall we? How you look matters. Yes, men will love you for your caring, affectionate ways, your witty, infectious humor, and your irresistible, devilish charm, but come on now. Give them a chance to experience all your fabulousness by wrapping it in an attractive package!

So many beautiful women let themselves go and wonder why they can't attract a man. If you have packed on the pounds, stopped taking care of yourself, or you think a matching track suit is your dress-up outfit, it's time for a reality check. How you look impacts how you feel. And if you're looking dumpy, chances are you're feeling dumpy, and men are feeling your dumpiness, too. When women get too comfortable in their relationship, they tend to stop trying to look attractive. Some men may be sympathetic for a little while (especially if they are on the same downward spiral), but for many, this lack of caring is the trigger to stray. And it's easy, once you become a couple, to slack off on your appearance. Don't. This includes your personal hygiene (breath, teeth, and, yes . . . down there). While sweaty, post-gym sex can be steamy and dreamy, generally speaking, irresistible women keep themselves clean and fresh.

Commit to taking good care of yourself every day. Pay attention to how you put yourself together. Personally, I'm lucky because my mom was an awesome role model in this department. Even though she spent very little money on expensive clothes or jewelry, she always looked fantastic. She exercised for an hour each day and "made herself pretty," as she called it, by freshening up before my dad got home from work. Her clothes were always neatly pressed and her makeup was applied tastefully with skill and care. Even her cozy morning robe and slippers matched!

The point is this. You don't have to obsess or strive for some unrealistic ideal of perfection. But pay attention and take care of yourself.

Women who have a hardened and bitter attitude usually take on a certain thin (almost too thin), stern look. They appear stony and tired. It's as though their girlish spirit and soft, womanly charm have been sucked out with a straw. Hardened and bitter women often are very serious about everything and believe that life, especially men, have done them wrong. They may indulge in sarcastic and biting humor, and conversations often morph into complaint fests.

A hardened and bitter attitude is a result of repressed anger. Most of us have been taught that anger is bad and
unladylike. We have trouble allowing ourselves to actually experience anger and, therefore, have developed the habit of suppressing it in hopes that it will go away or, at the very least, not be seen. The problem is that suppressing anything doesn't make it disappear. In fact, trying not to feel something is a form of resistance, and because what you resist persists and gets stronger, it's no surprise that suppressed anger leads to a hard and bitter outlook on life.

Thankfully, you don't need years of therapy or anger-management classes to let it go. Simply allow yourself to feel anger when it happens. Experience the emotion. Notice it. Allow it to be there and it will pass. If you've been corking it up for a while, you may feel disproportionately angry when you first practice actually experiencing it. For example, if your boyfriend leaves his towel on the floor again, and you allow yourself to experience how you feel, you may notice a strong desire to blow up and create a huge fight. This is not suggested. Most likely, you've got some old anger (real old, like when-you-were-five-and-someone-took-away-your-lollipop old) that is finally getting a chance to come to the surface. If it's appropriate to express yourself and address the situation, do it. If not, simply experience the sensation of anger and get on with your life.

Here's the good news about being hard and bitter. There's a way to transform it. It's called lightening up. If you have the mistaken idea that life or men have done you wrong, you have cast yourself in the role of victim and need a new part to play. How about this? Try being the
star, the heroine, the leading lady in your life. (Much more appealing, don't you think?) Remember, there are no irresistible victims. You can either be an irresistible babe or a hardened and bitter victim. The choice is yours.

Many women find it challenging to acknowledge and compliment other irresistible women, especially while in the presence of their man. Insecure women will criticize another woman's clothing, shoes, bag, hair, body, makeup, or success. These catty and critical women mistakenly believe that tearing down another, irresistible woman will somehow be a preemptive strike and prevent their man from finding the other woman desirable. Nothing could be farther from the truth!

First of all, being critical of another woman casts you in a bad light. You are seen as insecure and jealous. And let's be honest, your man probably noticed her at least ten minutes before you did, so why pretend otherwise?

Here's the other thing. By bad-mouthing attractive women, you unconsciously program yourself not to become one. The universe is like a big photocopy machine that sends back to you copies of what you "order" through your thoughts. By being catty and critical, your thoughts are sending "attractive is bad" out to the universe, and the
universe has no choice but to say, "Yes, master! Attractive is
bad
." Because none of us wants to be bad, we will not allow ourselves to become attractive or, heaven forbid, irresistible.

Here's what to do. When you notice another hot woman, silently bless her and say, "That's right, girl. W-o-r-k!" This will recondition your mind to approve of being attractive, and the universe has no choice but to say, "Yes, master!" and support you in being as foxy as you want to be. Personally, I like to point out attractive women so both my partner and I can enjoy the eye candy. It is fun and supports honesty between us, and the bottom line is that he's coming home with me.

While no man in his right mind would ever come out and say it, boring sex is a frequent cause of breakups and dead-end relationships. It's not that you have to install a stripper pole in your bedroom or get into hard-core bondage (although either or both could be a lot of fun), but you must investigate your own personal ideas of sexuality and tell yourself the truth about whether or not you hold back in between the sheets. My guess is that on some level, you do. (Let's face it—at times we all do!)

Sex between two consenting adults is a beautiful and revitalizing event. It is one of the most heavenly experiences on earth and can be an incredible expression of intimacy and aliveness. It's also an excellent way to strengthen your irresistibility muscles.

Please repeat this with me out loud. "I love sex. I love sex. I love sex."

Good. Now say this to yourself at least five times a day. Seven more if you were raised Catholic. (Only kidding . . . well, not really.)

Most of us, whether we realize it or not, have been culturally conditioned to believe sex is bad. Even if we say that we like sex, we've been so deeply steeped in a society that considers sex dirty, shameful, and sinful that we often don't feel comfortable talking frankly about it or taking actions to proactively develop our sexual prowess.

A subset of boring sex is doing it just to get it over with. I can think of nothing more unattractive than a woman who lies there mentally reviewing her shopping list or looking at cracks on the ceiling while her man is working up a sweat in an effort to please her. Many women give in so he'll stop asking and then lie there during the act like a dead fish. In case you haven't noticed, this approach does not work if you want to be irresistible and have magical, satisfying relationships.

My suggestion is to practice being naughty and to initiate sex much more frequently. A great way to spice things
up is to learn how to striptease. Tons of instructional DVDs are on the market, and live classes are offered in major cities. As a dancer and fitness instructor, I thoroughly enjoy teaching the art of strip. Words cannot describe how invigorating it is to watch women let go of their inhibitions right before my eyes and discover the beauty, elegance, and inner sexpot that resides within. Women truly transform through these classes and feel sexier and more confident than they ever thought possible.

Another great thing to do is to buy beautiful lingerie that makes you look and feel sexy. Get at least one piece that's practical enough to wear under everyday clothes so you can experience a little secret naughty factor all day long.

Last but not least, get practiced receiving pleasure from a man. You can give him no greater gift than allowing him to sexually satisfy you. Many women are not accustomed to simply allowing themselves to receive. You know what? Get over it! If you want to make every man want you, you're going to have to step out of your comfort zone and allow yourself to feel good—really good—on a consistent basis. And don't use the excuse that he doesn't know how to please you. He's not a mind reader, and every woman's body is different. Tell him, show him, guide him. He, and you, will love you for it.