Make Every Man Want You: How to Be So Irresistible You'll Barely Keep From Dating Yourself! (7 page)

When we engage in relationship to see what we can put into it rather than what we can get out of it, our whole lives transform. We no longer see our partners as antagonists. We see them as teachers and allies who are here to help us discover and experience our glory.

Does this mean you should stay in an abusive, unhealthy, or otherwise dead-end relationship because you've just discovered relationships are spiritual opportunities to rise above it all and find some greater meaning? Hell no. Remember, it's about mutual growth and soulful expression.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is
as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as
though everything is a miracle.

—
Albert Einstein

There were several years when I didn't like the way my life was going. It's not that any part of it was particularly bad. I had steady work, friends, a nice boyfriend, and enough
money to pay my rent, shop, and enjoy life in New York City. But there was this constant, nagging feeling inside, and I often thought to myself, "I should be much farther along by now."

At that time I had just started to learn about the benefits of living in the moment. In fact, I often repeated a quote I read in Deepak Chopra's
The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success
, which says, "The past is history, the future is a mystery, and this moment is a gift. That's why it is called the present." But it wasn't until several years later that I really got the full meaning of that expression. It took me a while to understand that this moment—the one right now—
is
really it.

You see, for all those years, I had been living my entire life as though this isn't it.

My job wasn't really it. It was just a day job to pay the bills so I could move on to bigger and better things. No need to stay late or go the extra mile. My relationship wasn't really it. He was just a convenient placeholder till the real Mr. Right showed up. No need to surrender to him and share my heart completely. My apartment wasn't really it. After all, I was renting. No need to decorate or create much of a permanent home.

The "this isn't it" mentality even polluted little things throughout my day; for example, at weddings or special events, I often felt like I was at the wrong table. "This isn't it," I thought. "I should be at the other table." At nightclubs, I often felt like I'd picked the wrong one. "This isn't it," I
thought. "The other place is where it's really jumping." At a restaurant, I would think, "This isn't what I wanted. I should've ordered what she did."

For many years, what I failed to realize was that right now is all you ever have. This moment is really it. Rather than fully investing and engaging in my life exactly as it was, I spent most of my time complaining, planning, scheming, hoping, and wishing for things to be different someday. I kept journals, did affirmations, and set goals so that things would get better at some point in the future. Here's the key point I missed: inadvertently, I was training myself to lead a life of mediocrity.

Life is
now
. Life can only be
now
.

Whether you like it or not, this is it. What you have in your life in this very moment—your job, friends, family, and home, the car you drive (or don't drive), the meal you choose, the date you are on (or not on)—all of it is really it. Now, this doesn't mean that things will not change. Everything changes. Life is change. But if you approach your life like this is it, all the time, you'll experience a quantum shift in your reality. You'll be more relaxed, more present, and, inexplicably, more irresistible. Excellence will show up in your life effortlessly.

Hey, you! Yeah, you—the sexy fox reading this book. Write this one down on an index card and carry it with you at all times:

A "this is it" attitude = massive irresistibility.

Women who live moment to moment, like this is it, are naturally and authentically more irresistible than those who don't. Rather than complaining, resisting, whining, or holding back, they are fully engaged, fully alive, and in it to win it in every area of their lives.

Like attracts like. You are much more likely to attract a vibrant, energetic, "this is it" kind of man by being a "this is it" kind of woman.

Irresistible Action Challenge

It's easy to experience "this is it" for yourself. It's like flipping a switch that turns on the light of your irresistibility and illuminates everything you touch. Fully invest in each moment exactly as it is right now. Remember that everything is as it should be. You are a perfect version of you in this moment.

Here are five fun ways to experience "this is it" for yourself:

1. When you order at a restaurant, don't second-guess your choice. Trust whatever you ordered is the perfect thing for you. This is it.
   
2. At work, rather than wasting time daydreaming, complaining, or wishing you were somewhere else, do what needs to be done with excellence right now. This is it.
   
3. On dates, hold aside your judgments and criticisms of the person sitting across from you. Practice simply being there, enjoying yourself and noticing how it feels to be with this person. This is it.
   
4. At home, take care while you clean, decorate, and tidy up. Make your bed neatly and precisely. Hang pictures with thought and attention. Get the nice towels. This is it.
   
5. Get dressed, put on makeup, and style your hair like it counts. Take your time and pay attention to the details. This is it.
   

Here's the best part: by practicing "this is it," you'll start to notice dramatic, astonishing shifts in every other area of your life as well. Without trying to make it better, you'll find work more effortless and fun because you won't be wishing you were somewhere else. Your house will look and feel more like a home because you'll be more invested in living there. You'll find yourself less stressed and anxious throughout your day—making you much more alive and energetic.

Practicing "this is it" will also have a powerful impact on your appearance, net worth, and relationships with friends and family. Not bad for one little concept, eh?

If the shoe doesn't fit, must we change the foot?

—
Gloria Steinem

Have you ever found yourself dating a man and thinking, "He'd be perfect if only he were more affectionate, less controlling, more communicative, less self-absorbed, younger, older, wealthier, more A, less B . . . ?" Chances are, if you've ever dated anyone, you have had these thoughts. Fix-him thinking is rampant in our society and plays a big part in many unhappy relationships. It may also be a mind-set that's keeping you single.

Psst. Here's another secret: men don't want to be changed or improved.

Think about it. Would you feel attracted to a man who constantly tried to change or improve you? Someone who told you to lose a little weight? Wanted you to do a little less talking and more cooking and cleaning? Didn't think so. You've got to give up trying to make him be different than he is if you want to be irresistible. In fact, much of your
"wishing he'd be different" keeps him staying exactly the same. (Remember, what we resist persists.)

I've got another question for you. Have you ever been to the "as-is" department at IKEA? It's a big room filled with furniture; small chairs, big tables, couches, entertainment centers, lamps, and assorted pillows fill the space. Some pieces are like new, while others have some wear and tear and require a bit of TLC. All of it is for sale in the condition that you find it, for the price marked.

When you visit the "as-is" department, you look at what's available and choose whether or not you want it. Of course, you can waste time talking to yourself about how you wish something were different . . .

"If that chair were yellow, it would be perfect."

"If that couch were just a little wider, it would work for me."

"If that table were a shade darker, it would be ideal for my kitchen."

. . . but ultimately you must look at what is and see whether or not it would be a good fit for you right now. If it works, you take it. If not, you move on. Well, guess what? Men are no different. One of the biggest mistakes women make is trying to change or improve a man into something he's not. This includes trying to change the way he feels toward you. Let's repeat this all together, shall we? You cannot change the way a man feels or behaves.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that men don't change or can't change. People transform their lives all the time.
However
, it is not your job to change or improve anyone—especially your partner. If he wants to change or adjust anything, he needs to choose that on his own.

It's like this. Every human being is a unique and perfect expression of who he or she is in this moment. People can be different than they are right now (this includes you). As an irresistible woman, your job is to simply be here and tell the truth about what works for you and what doesn't. Make is-ness your business and meet life as it shows up—not as you prefer it to show up.

If you don't like something about the man you're dating, you have two choices: (1) communicate in a straightforward yet compassionate way about what doesn't work for you and get his perspective or (2) move on, sista—he's just not the one for you. Communication is essential for any healthy relationship. However, there's a big difference between communicating about what works for you and what doesn't and trying to improve or change someone.

When something doesn't work for you in the relationship, let him know. Tell him what you feel and make it clear you're not blaming him for your feelings. Talk about possible solutions or what does work for you, and
listen
to his response. He may be completely unaware of what he's doing that's upsetting to you and happy to adjust his behavior to support the health of the relationship. On the other hand, he may say, "This is me, honey—take it or leave it!"

Either way, don't blame him for your feelings as though he caused them (because he didn't). When you make your feelings his fault, he'll go into automatic defense mode and not listen to you. The communication lines will be broken, and you'll both feel upset and frustrated. Even if you say you don't blame him for how you feel, if you secretly do blame him, he'll sense your dishonesty and defend himself till he's blue in the face. You'll lose credibility and become instantly unattractive, and he'll dismiss anything accurate and valid you have to say.

Nothing outside of you can ever make you feel something. Those emotions (anger, frustration, upset) live in you. Want proof? Have you ever been happily driving your car when someone wants to cut into your lane and you pleasantly oblige? Now, can you also remember a time when someone cut in front of you and you honked, screamed, and acted like the poster child for road rage? In the latter experience, chances are you were already upset. You had anger and frustration in you, sitting just below the surface. The event itself doesn't cause the upset—it merely is a trigger that justifies what's already happening in you and waiting to get out. So when you blame other people for what you're feeling, you disempower yourself. You're operating from confusion and making yourself the victim of those around you.

Communicate like the brilliant and irresistible woman you are. Refrain from pointing fingers or proving your case by listing all the ways he's done you wrong. Look to see the
truth of the situation. Perhaps the disagreement is easily resolvable. Perhaps you can let go of being right about how wrong he is and move on. Or maybe, just maybe, it's an excellent opportunity to get out of an unsatisfying, dead-end relationship.

When a relationship doesn't work out, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong or deficient in either person. It just means that you're not a good fit for one another. It's that simple.

Spiritually, it's selfish to hold on to something that's not working. You're stealing time from him (and yourself) that could be spent in another, more harmonious experience.

The bottom line is this: men don't want to be changed or improved. Allow the both of you to be who you are. Be honest and straight in your communications, but don't try to change, improve, or make him into something he's not.

For peace of mind, resign as general manager of
the universe.

—
Larry Eisenberg, author

Being authentically irresistible means surrendering to the fact that there are no guarantees in life or love. Life is
change. Flowers bloom, then die, then bloom again. The weather knows no rest. The sun rises and sets every day. The tides are forever flowing to and fro. Seasons change. Nothing is permanent. It's the very nature of our universe to be ever expanding, ever shifting, ever growing.

Expecting guarantees in love is unrealistic. Looking for someone to promise or guarantee they're going to love you forever puts an enormous and unrealistic pressure on them (and you) to do something we are all incapable of doing—remaining the same. To fully experience all the glory, adventure, and ecstasy of true love, we've got to be willing to let go of the idea that it can be guaranteed.

Life cannot have guarantees. We never know what lies ahead. All we can do is practice meeting our lives directly, moment to moment, and telling our truth as it shows up. It is in this state of the unknown—in the realm of all possibilities—that your authentic irresistibility lies. It is also the sacred space of pure and authentic love, not the pseudo, pop culture, transaction-based version we are all so desperate to have and hold on to.