Make Every Man Want You: How to Be So Irresistible You'll Barely Keep From Dating Yourself! (8 page)

When you relinquish trying to control another person, you unchain yourself from the illusion of separateness and the false idea that you are somehow incomplete. Ironically, when you stop trying to control love, you create the space in which it can live and flourish. Oddly enough, you'll feel more secure and complete than you could ever imagine.

Human life is about development and evolution. Relationships are no different.

Rather than looking to see how to hold on to or guarantee you'll have someone's love, show up each day as a person who's willing to be loved. Tell the truth, communicate fully, and support him in becoming the man he wants to be.

Take a look in the mirror. Who are you today? Discover yourself anew. Don't assume you are the same person you were last week or last year. Don't limit yourself with your history. Look at your partner with new eyes each day as well. Who is this person? Rediscover him. Don't assume he is the same person that you were with last week or last year. Don't jail him with your judgments or his past. You cannot control how your partner shows up. What you can control, however, is how you show up in relationship to him. Rather than a stale repetition of the good old days we all fight so hard to re-create, be open to the newness in each moment and give your relationship a chance to breathe.

Irresistible Action Challenge

What areas of your life have you unawaredly put on hold? What action steps can you take right now to expand those areas?

For example, if you haven't been investing in your financial health, you could buy a book on personal finances or make an appointment with a financial adviser to get started. If you've been a couch potato lately, you could go for a run or take a yoga class.

Trying hard to keep a relationship together is a classic sign that it's falling apart. Don't pretend everything is OK when it's not or gloss over problems in order to save face. Welcome challenges and speak your truth. Every so-called problem is an opportunity in disguise for you to expand and express new levels of your irresistibility.

1. Does something inside you believe you need a partner to be complete? How would your life be different if you were incapable of thinking that thought?
   
2. How willing are you to shift out of a transaction-based relationship model into a more rich and dynamic model grounded in compassion and mutual growth?
   

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The best way to break a bad habit is to drop it.

—
Leo Aikman, writer and editor

Another name for this chapter could be "Ultimate Man Repellants." These are the ways of behaving that drive men absolutely bonkers. Most (though not all) of these habits are a subset of one life-sucking, attraction-killing misconception—the misconception that a relationship will somehow save or complete you.

Remember, a relationship cannot complete you or bring happiness to your life that you don't have right now. Of course, you can experience tremendous levels of happiness and completion while in a relationship, but it's not because of the relationship.

Don't be discouraged if you have one or several of the habits. Remember, awareness (a judgment-free noticing of anything) is all you need to facilitate resolution.

When was the last time you heard a guy say, "Guess what? I met this really hot needy chick last night!" Chances are, never. That's because being needy is the ultimate man repellant. If you believe you're incomplete and look to a relationship to solve your problems, that is being needy. Men will pick up on this neediness, and it will effectively repel them.

Here are some classic needy behaviors to look out for:

Obsessive e-mailing or calling (especially to check and see "if he's OK")

Compulsive checking of your e-mail or voice mail

Telling a man that you need him in order to be happy

Relentlessly saying, "I miss you"

Making overbearing demands to know exactly where he is and what he's doing 24-7

Throwing silent or not-so-silent temper tantrums when you don't have his full attention

Feeling a constant insatiable desire for his approval of how you look and what you're doing

Neediness comes from desperation and is a major turn-off. This habit transcends behavior and is broadcast out like radio waves that men pick up on energetically. So even if you refrain from obsessive calls or compulsively checking e-mail and pretend you've got it all together, he'll sense your true desperate energy and pull away.

Another important point is that neediness puts a tremendous amount of undue pressure on a man. He'll feel a constant demand to perform for you, to be perfect, and/or to match your idealized standard for him . . . or else. If he makes a "mistake," he'll not only have to deal with his own consequences, but he'll feel responsible for your happiness as well.

Also, when you have the false idea that you need him so that you can be happy, you give away all your power. Your well-being is at the constant mercy of another person. You render yourself powerless, and a powerless woman, my dear, is anything
but
irresistible.

"Do I look fat in this?"

"Do you still love me?"

"Do you think she's prettier than me?"

"Am I attractive enough for you?"

Incessant insecurity drives men nuts and feeds your ego illusion that you're somehow deficient and "less than."
When you entertain your insecure thoughts, it's as though you're a bottomless pit that can never be filled no matter how much assurance you receive. That's because the idea that you are less than is false. It's an illusion. An illusion can never be healed because it's not real in the first place.

Insecurity and self-doubt lie within the natural human range of emotions and will never fully disappear. Rest assured that, now and then, everyone on the planet feels pangs of not being "good enough." The key to being irresistible is not to indulge in or entertain those thoughts. But don't resist them either! Simply allow yourself to notice or observe those feelings and say, "Hmm . . . isn't that interesting?" or better yet, "I'm having that thought again . . . so what?" and redirect your attention outward. When insecure thoughts come, allow them to simply pass over your mind like clouds floating across the sky.

Not entertaining insecure thoughts is a learnable skill and an absolute must if you want to be irresistible. It's like this: you can either invest in your self-doubt or invest in your irresistibility. I suggest the latter.