Make Every Man Want You: How to Be So Irresistible You'll Barely Keep From Dating Yourself! (5 page)

Being personally responsible allows you to dissolve old programming and start responding to your life appropriately rather than mechanically re-acting like you did in the past. This is an incredibly exciting place to live. With personal responsibility, you gain a tremendous amount of control in your life. You can free yourself from cyclical life patterns and proactively impact the quality and existence of your relationships.

The first step in personal responsibility is to bring awareness to how you operate in your life. This means being investigative, observant, and nonjudgmental. My good friends Ariel and Shya Kane, internationally acclaimed authors and seminar leaders, teach an easy and effective way to do this: pretend you're an anthropologist studying a culture of one—you.

The Kanes encourage an anthropological approach to life. Anthropologists simply note what is. They look and observe without adding commentary or judgment. For example, an anthropologist would never say, "Those crazy
savages perform ridiculous fire dances at ungodly hours." An anthropologist would simply jot down, "The indigenous people perform fire rituals at 3:00
A.M.
"

If you want to be irresistibly attractive, you have to observe yourself in this same nonjudgmental way. Simply notice what you do. When you judge, berate, criticize, complain, or otherwise add commentary to your self-observations, you actually cement undesirable behaviors in place.

The challenge, of course, is that our minds are automatic judgment machines. They instantly evaluate everything we do as either good or bad, right or wrong. Thankfully, this isn't a problem. The trick is to simply notice the judgment and then not judge yourself for judging yourself. And if that doesn't work (you continue to judge yourself for judging yourself) take one step out and don't judge yourself for judging yourself for judging yourself. At some point, you'll reach a state of neutrality.

There's a law in physics that states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. In other words, what we resist persists. Judging, berating, criticizing, and complaining are all forms of resisting. They are nonneutral statements that act like Krazy Glue and stick your unwanted behavioral patterns to you. When you simply notice what you do instead of judge or criticize yourself, a magical transformation takes place instantly. You will no longer be run by the habitual behaviors that kill your irresistibility
and cause relationship mischief. This is because what you nonjudgmentally look at disappears.

Looking at something without judging it is neutral and liberating. If you nonjudgmentally observe a behavior, you will have introduced choice into the equation. In that moment, you are free (if you so choose) to stop doing those things that kill your attractiveness. Being nonjudgmental instantly dissolves the habitual nature of your behaviors and creates the option for you to be authentically, appropriately, and irresistibly you.

If there's any situation or circumstance in your life that you don't like (for example, being single, out of shape, shy around men, in a mediocre relationship), you're resisting it. Said another way, when you resist something, you actually add energy to it by thinking about how much you don't like it or wish it would be over already. This keeps re-creating it in your experience, and pretty soon, it's all you can think about.

When you simply look at a situation, see it as it is, and stop wishing it were different, the situation loses its dominating power over you. The problematic aspect of it disappears. You lighten up and interact more lovingly with your life and the people in it. By being aware of what is without resisting it, your unconditioned consciousness is awakened. You can see more clearly and compassionately. Your ability to be effective instantly expands. It is from this place of neutral awareness that your true irresistibility is unleashed and the following can occur:

Being single is no longer a problem or failing you have to get over. It's an opportunity to reengage in your life and reinvest in your spiritual growth. It's a jump-off point for fun, adventure, romance, and self-discovery.

Being out of shape is no longer a permanent character flaw. It's simply your current starting place from which to reveal a stronger, healthier, and more fit you.

Being in an unsatisfying relationship is not something you have to make different (that is, you needn't try to change your man into something he's not). Tell the truth that it doesn't work for you anymore, and give yourself the option to create something that does work.

Contrary to popular belief, you do not need years of therapy to heal yourself or change undesired behaviors. With awareness (again, which is a judgment-free noticing of something), resolution can occur instantly.

Reality check: does this mean that if you are $26,000 in debt and you look at it nonjudgmentally, it will literally disappear? I wish. What will happen, however, is that you will no longer be dominated by the guilt, worry, and fear associated with it. You'll get your life back and regain your personal power. By noticing the is-ness of your debt, you
can begin taking action to reduce it. The universe will support you with a bigger tax refund, a raise, new clients, or other "found" money. In the meantime, you will no longer live under the constant mental chatter about how "bad" you are for having debt or live your life through a filter of scarcity.

The first step is personal responsibility. And the key to personal responsibility is awareness. When you become aware of things you do that are not conducive to attracting and keeping men, and don't judge yourself for what you discover, you actually stop doing those things.

A paradox is a statement that initially appears to be contradictory but then, upon closer inspection, turns out to be true. Most women I know are truly irresistible, but they just don't know it yet. They walk around with false and outdated ideas of who they are and look for validation in places it can never be found—such as the right body, a successful career, or the perfect relationship.

The truth is your irresistibility is independent of the physical world and your life circumstances. It is ageless and outside the confines of time and space. You are not separate from it. You do not have to be someone else or do anything additional to access it. You simply need to remember your true nature, your being, and be willing to look at
the obstacles that have gotten in your way without judging yourself for what you discover.

You've already taken the first step. You've had the courage and desire to invest in this book. That tells me you are willing to investigate your own personal landscape and take the exciting journey of self-realization.

I tell you this: your irresistibility is already within; however, there is certain information you're currently unaware of that's sabotaging its full bloom. And, although you're already irresistible, there's always more that's possible. Your potential is limitless, and you will continue to discover deeper facets of your aliveness if you are willing to keep investing in yourself and practice the irresistible lifestyle outlined in this book. Make no mistake. There is
no limit
to how radiant, alive, and irresistible you can be.

You deserve healthy, satisfying, and loving relationships. They are your birthright. God (a.k.a. the goddess, the universe, higher power, the source, or whatever you like to call him or her) created you—and everything else in our universe—in complete perfection. By virtue of having been born, you are loved. It is not something you have to earn, manipulate, or figure out how to produce. It's hardwired into you. You are not separate from love.

In a certain respect, love is all there is. Fear, resentment, isolation, and aloneness are all illusions created by the mind to keep us believing we are separate from one another and separate from our divinity. The mind needs this belief to survive. The mind thrives on it. Your being, however, knows that underneath the illusion of the mind, love is all there is. Your being knows there is no limit on love's supply. Love will never run out and it can never be stolen from you, because you are the source. Giving it away only produces more. Remember this as you meet the obstacles to your irresistibility. Love is the fuel that energizes the world and can transform all darkness into light. Let it fuel you past the false thoughts and old ideas that have shadowed your true irresistible nature up until now.

You're discovering how to naturally unleash your irresistibility, inside and out. It is the greatest gift you can give yourself and the world. But being irresistible is a lifestyle, not a one-time magic pill. It's like being in great physical shape. You can't exercise once and then never go to the gym again and expect to be fit. Lasting results of health, fitness, and well-being come from consistency over time. Being irresistibly "fit" is no different.

A lifestyle, by definition, is a way of life or style of living that reflects the attitudes and values of a person. The irresistible
lifestyle is about being fully alive, expressive, and compassionate (to yourself and others). It's about accessing your highest self and living consistently with awareness.

The irresistible lifestyle can be easily forgotten when life throws you a curveball. You lose your job. Your printer goes on strike right before a big meeting. The new guy who seemed so dreamy turns out to be a royal jerk. When you get upset or disappointed, it's normal to get knocked off center and forget your true irresistible nature. It's tempting to slip back into old, unattractive, familiar habits. I'm not suggesting that you pretend everything's rosy when it's not. What I am suggesting is that you don't hang out there.

Build your irresistible lifestyle muscles by following these three steps:

1. Practice neutrally observing what you feel. Acknowledge your emotions. Tell the truth. Report your inner reality without adding a layer of drama or victimhood over it.
   
2. Allow yourself to really feel it without trying to make the feeling different than it is or attempting to get over it. Experience the physical sensation. Watch what's happening on an emotional level without getting lost in the mechanical thoughts triggered by your mind.
   
3. Keep bringing yourself back to this moment and respond (not react) from there.
   

Please don't misunderstand. I'm not suggesting that you pretend to be happy when you're not or that you don't speak your mind when something's not working for you. What I am proposing is another possibility: a space of irresistibility where you can be authentic, communicate your truth fully, and enjoy a sense of well-being all at the same time.

Don't forget your true nature. It's during challenging times that we most need to remember how brilliant we really are. Support yourself back to center by rereading this book and others that leave you feeling inspired and alive. Reach out. Call your coach or others who can help you get back on track. Use this work to create a community of irresistible women (and men) who will support each other in living from their brilliance, not their victimhood.