Make My Heart Beat (19 page)

The past few months have flown by like a whirlwind. I can’t believe I’m in my eighth month of pregnancy. I feel like a beached whale, but Connor keeps telling me I’m gorgeous and even more beautiful now than the moment he first laid eyes on me. I know he's full of shit, but I will let him keep telling me everything I want to hear right now. Don’t get me wrong, I love being pregnant. I love feeling Jellybean moving around inside me. All the flipping and kicking feels amazing, but I am ready for this little wiggle worm to get out of me. I’ve worked up until this past week. My back can’t take being on my feet anymore, and everyone at work was tired of worrying that I would pop at any moment.

I’m sitting on the couch in Connor’s apartment— no, not Connor’s apartment,
our
apartment — while Sly and Marcus finish bringing the last of my boxes up the stairs. I finally let him talk me into moving in with him. I wanted to stay in my apartment, but when he explained that while I was on maternity leave, it would be so much easier for us if we were at his place above the garage while he was working; it made more sense. He could still work every day, but he would be right downstairs if I needed him for anything. Besides, I was staying over at least four nights a week anyway since we got engaged. He doesn’t want to be far away from me if I go into labor early.

Sly ended up taking over the lease on my apartment, and since it was time to renew my lease anyway, it was a very easy transition. Wade kept claiming he wanted to still stay here, but when I reminded him how much babies whine and cry at all hours of the night, he quickly asked Marcus if he could move in with him. I don’t know why he doesn’t just move in with Gabbi, but they seem to be having an on and off again sort of relationship. Something is going on with them, but I’m not quite sure what it is. They seemed so happy at first, but now things seemed a little strained.

We’ve turned Wade’s room into the nursery. Seth and Connor are in there now attempting to finish putting the crib together. And from all the yelling and cursing I hear coming from the room, I think things aren’t going so well. Daddy helped put together the changing table and the dresser, but Connor insisted he wanted to be the one to put the crib up. He’s such a man. Completely hardheaded and stubborn. Seth and Wade finished painting yesterday, and it looks great. We decided to go with a soft minty green color. It’s calming and it made me happy, so Connor said that’s what we were going to do. I can’t wait to see the entire finished room. Which, I’m hoping will be soon. Like, in the next hour or so. My baby shower is this afternoon.

Instead of doing the typical “ladies only” baby shower, we are having a big cook out with all the guys, my coworkers, some of the people from Metro who've become really close friends since Shameful Regret has a standing Saturday gig with them, and a few of the other officers Daddy works with. Sly helped Daddy load up the grill in the back of his truck, and they're planning on grilling burgers, hot dogs and some steaks. I wanted low-key and easy.

Michelle is in charge of decorations, and it looks like Pepto-Bismol and blue cotton candy exploded all over the place. We decided we didn’t want to find out what the gender is, even though all of our friends really want to know. Michelle and Gabbi keep claiming they need to know so they can start planning the baby’s wardrobe. It’s a baby, not a fashionista.

I really want to get up and help, but I get yelled at every single time my feet touch the floor. Seriously, I tried to get up just to
walk to the bathroom just so I could pee and Sly picked me up mid-stride and plopped me back down on the couch telling me to stay put. Of course, I got right back up and went to the bathroom and threatened to kick Seth in the balls if he so much as touched me when he came out and said something about me being up. I guess the pregnancy hormones have me feeling a little violent lately.

“Babe, we got that damn crib up. Where did you put all the sheets and shit?” Connor asks, wiping his forehead with the bottom of his shirt as he walks out of the nursery. He laughs at me when he catches me staring at his abs. I swear they have to be the gold standard to which all abs are compared to. They're stunning. “Earth to Lynae! Where’s the baby bedding stuff? I know you want that room completely fixed up before everyone gets here.”

I move to sit up, and I give him the death glare when he looks like he's about to tell me to stay put. After I swing my legs over and onto the floor, I hold my hands out for him to pull me up. “I’ll get them. They're in our closet next to my box of shoes.”

After Connor pulls me to my feet and thoroughly kisses me, I go retrieve the bedding and walk back into the nursery. It looks absolutely beautiful. They did so much more than I thought they were going to do with the painting. All along the top of the wall, just below the ceiling, they have put up a wallpaper border that looks like sheet music. The mobile hanging above the crib has a little microphone, guitar, drums and musical notes. There is a big white rocking chair facing the window, and on the dresser, there is a picture of Momma holding me when I was a baby.

I’m still standing in the doorway looking around at the furniture, the paint, and the little touches here and there I hadn’t seen because the guys insisted I didn’t need to be in there breathing the paint fumes. I can’t believe that a bunch of rock stars have put this together. I feel Connor come up behind me and wrap his arms around me. His hands settle on my belly. He seems to always have his hands on my belly any time he is near me. And every time, Jellybean starts kicking up a storm.

“You like it, baby?” Connor kisses from the back of my neck up to just behind my ear. “I want it to be perfect for you.”

I nod my head and lean back into his strong body. “It's perfect.”

~

“Okay, y’all, food’s ready!” Daddy calls up the stairs. “Someone get their ass down here and help me!”

Michelle is curled up on top of Sly’s lap in the oversized chair, and Wade and Gabbi seem to be getting along at the moment, considering they're cuddled in the corner, making out. That leaves Connor and Seth to walk down there to help him out since I’m playing hostess to everyone who's here and wants a tour of the apartment. I finish showing the last few guests around and walk back into the living room just as the guys and Daddy are bringing the rest of the food up.

It seems so surreal to see this crazy group of people mingling together. All of my coworkers came, a few of our doctors, Trey, Felicity, and Rich from Metro, and a couple guys that work with Daddy down at the station are all mixing and talking. I would have thought this would have been a segregated group, but everyone is having fun, laughing and enjoying themselves.

We eat way too much food, and I listen to the couples who are already parents sharing stories and tips about childbirth and raising kids. When it’s time for the cake, I’m totally surprised. Michelle and Gabbi went to Mother Fluckers and had a three tier cheesecake made. Dean made the bottom layer out of my favorite lemon-almond, the middle layer is a blueberry swirl, and the top is a strawberry and raspberry swirl. It looks almost too good to eat. Almost. You think a pregnant woman isn’t going to attack a ginormous cheesecake? Yeah, right.

Seth comes to sit beside me and bumps my shoulder with his. “I remembered how much you liked that place, and I told Michelle and Gabbi you would much rather have this than a regular cake.”

I look over at Connor standing in the kitchen laughing with Sly while they're getting plates out, smiling at me before I look back to Seth. I lean my head on his shoulder. “Thanks, love. You really are the best.”

He kisses me on the top of my head before he gets back up. “Anything for you and Jellybean. You know I love you.”

And I do. I know that all these guys love me. They're so much more than friends. They all feel like family to me. I can’t believe this is the direction my life has taken. My life is so full of people I love and who love me back.

After everyone leaves, Connor carries me to bed. “We can clean up later. I need to get you in bed.”

He gently lays me down and crawls in behind me. I snuggle back into him. I love it when he spoons me like this. I feel so safe and warm wrapped in his arms. I feel completely and totally protected. “I love you, Connor.”

“I love you too, sweetness.” He brushes the hair off of my neck and gently kisses me. “Now get some rest. You’ve had a long day, and I want to spend all day tomorrow making love to you.”

I fall asleep in my favorite place in the entire world with dreams of little green-eyed babies and
a life full of love.

Deep breaths, Connor. You can do this. Hold on tight and don’t let go. Just take one step at a time. Put one foot in front of the other. I can’t believe she’s really here. She’s really here in my arms. I don’t know that I could feel any happier than right here in this moment. Ever.

“Guys,” I say, walking through the waiting room door to our eager and waiting family; that’s what they all are, family. “I’d like yo
u to meet Kaitlin Sara Reeves.” And I hold up the most beautiful baby girl the world has ever seen. I’m so afraid of dropping this little bundle that I keep her held tight to my chest.

Michelle and Gabbi leap out of their chairs, practically
knocking over Sly and Wade in the process to see my daughter.

Daughter.

That word fills my heart with more joy than I thought I ever deserved. I am so damn proud of Lynae. My God, she is incredible.

“Oh my God! She looks just like her!” Michelle exclaims as she
reaches her hand out to gently move the blanket way from Kaitlin’s face. “Connor, she’s beautiful.”

Gabbi's leaning over Michelle and beaming. “Congratulations, Connor. She is absolutely gorgeous.”

I can’t take my eyes off of her. Kaitlin Sara Reeves. Lynae and I had talked about names for the last few weeks, but we hadn’t really decided on anything. Despite my wanting to know if it was a boy or a girl, she was set on it being a surprise. She said her parents didn’t find out what she was going to be, and her mom had always talked about how sweet the moment was when they found out. When the doctor announced we had a healthy little girl and placed the pink screaming bundle on Lynae’s chest, I was so glad we waited to find out about our daughter. The look of pure joy on Lynae’s face and feeling of absolute wonderment that filled my heart as I looked at our baby and at Lynae was worth the wait. Lynae looked up at me and smiled the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. I couldn’t help the tears that came to my eyes and streamed down my cheeks. At the same time, we both opened our mouths.

“Kaitlin,” she said.

“Sara,” I said.

It is the perfect name for the perfect little baby, honoring the amazing women in our lives we wish could have been here to meet this little miracle.

Michelle finally moves out of the way for Sly to see Kaitlin. His eyes are shining with unshed tears too.

“Hey there, little one,” he coos to her. “It’s nice to finally get to meet you.”

Kaitlin opens her eyes. Everything about her is Lynae. From the shape of her nose, the curve of her lips looking like a pink little bow, the head full of dark brown curls, everything. Except her eyes. Those are all me. Like little emeralds sparkling behind a dark fringe of lashes, she looks up at Sly.

“May I? Sly asks, holding his arms out.

I reluctantly pass her over to Sly. “Just be careful. Watch her head. Don’t hold her too tight,” I instruct. I know, I know, I sound like a complete control freak, but I can’t help myself. I have never had anything so precious in my life to worry about. No, that’s wrong. I have Lynae, so I now have two incredibly precious things in my life.

My girls.

Sly takes Kaitlin in his arms and starts slowly rocking her. “You are so beautiful. Just like your mommy.” He leans down to press a soft kiss into her hair. “Your daddy is gonna have a time keeping the boys away from you. But don’t worry, your Uncle Sly will kill any boy that tries to lay a finger on you. Yes he will.”

I laugh. He sounds and looks ridiculous sitting there fussing over
the little pink bundle. Sly is already protective of her. He and I have come a long way. There was a time we both wanted to hurt the other. I know he loves my sweetness almost as much as I do. I know he will do anything in his power to make sure that my girls are safe and protected from anything. I watch him take a seat on one of the couches in the waiting room, then become flanked by  Michelle and Gabbi clamoring to get a closer look at my daughter. Wade goes to set next to Gabbi so he can see Kaitlin too.

Marcus comes up to my side and pulls me into a tight man hug,
slapping me on the back. “Good job, man. You’re gonna be an awesome dad. I’m just glad she looks like Nae, and not you.”

“I’m absolutely terrified.”

“Don’t be. You’ll be fine. I can’t believe that we’re standing here like this, but I know you’ll be fine,” he assures me.

“Where’s Seth?” I ask, looking around the room. I'm surprised to not see him. I know he wouldn’t want to miss this.

As soon as those words leave my mouth, Seth runs into the room carrying a teddy bear almost as big as Lynae, and a huge cluster of pink and blue balloons. You can’t see his face, but I know it’s him from the spiky blond hair sticking up over the teddy bear, and the tattooed forearms.

“I can’t believe they didn’t want to find out what the baby was gonna be. It would be so much easier to figure out what to get if I knew what fucking color to buy,” he mutters as he dumps the bear on the floor. “Connor!” Seth exclaims when he sees me.

“Hey, watch your mouth in front of the baby.” I clasp Seth in a manly backslap hug. “Come on over and meet Kaitlin.”

I can’t help the smile permanently plastered to my face. Seth’s attention moves from me to Sly, still sitting between Michelle and Gabbi, cooing over Kaitlin and telling her how much her Uncle Sly loves her and how beautiful she is. She is pretty damn beautiful.

“Sorry, man.” Seth walks over and kneels in front of them. He sweeps the fluffy pink blanket back to get a better look at my daughter’s perfect little face. “Hey there, Jellybean. It’s so nice to finally meet you.” he says quietly. “God, you look just like your momma.” Seth turns to look at me. “Congrats, man. Lynae doing okay?”

“She’s wonderful. The nurses are helping her go to the bathroom and clean up a little. And she wanted a few minutes alone with John.” I walk
over and scoop up my little bundle from Sly. “Come on, it’s time to go back. Daddy needs to see Mommy again.”

Marcus lets out a little laugh. “I am so happy for you guys. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over the idea of you saying shit like ‘mommy’ and ‘daddy’ though.”

“Watch your language, dude.” I nudge him and head out of the waiting room back to Lynae’s room.

~

When I walk in, she’s lying propped up on all the damn pillows she insisted on bringing from our apartment, having stated that “hospital pillows sucked” and weren't going to be enough. Her eyes are closed, and her mouth is parted. I’d think she was asleep if it weren’t for her eyes popping open as soon as she hears my shoes on the linoleum floor when I step next to the bed. She looks worn out, but she couldn’t look more beautiful right now even if she tried. Her hair has mostly fallen out of her ponytail and is framing her face in soft curls.

“Hey, baby. Where’d John go?” I ask when I sit down beside her, still holding little Kaitlin tight to my chest. I’m so afraid of dropping her.
“I figured he would still be here.”

“Daddy went to get something to eat and to let me get some rest.” Lynae reaches her hand out to rest on my thigh and looks lovingly at our daughter. “She is so tiny and so beautiful.” The sweet smile on her lips makes my heart melt completely. “I can’t believe we made this.”

I look down at Kaitlin, who is starting to squirm in my arms and making little noises. “She’s perfect. You’re perfect. I’m so proud of you, Lynae.”

I look back up at her. I adjust Kaitlin in my right arm and extend my left hand out to hold onto Lynae’s. My thumb brushes back and forth over her engagement ring. I can’t wait to add a wedding band to this finger. I can’t believe I let her talk me into waiting until after the baby was born for us to have a wedding. I was ready and willing to make her my wife as soon as she agreed to marry me. I’d have run out that night and booked a flight to Vegas, but she wanted to wait. I can’t deny her anything.

A knock at the door draws our attention. It’s a nurse coming to check on Lynae and Kaitlin. She explains that she's the lactation nurse, whatever in the hell that is, and that she wants to help Lynae try to nurse Kaitlin. I scoot my chair back and let her do her thing.

Lynae looks so cute trying to listen and pay attention to what this chick is telling her. I can see the nervous twitch in her eyes and the way she pulls her bottom lip between her teeth. I can’t help but laugh at her, but when she gives me that little glare, I try to hold it in. My sweetness is too damn adorable when she’s trying to be mad at me.

Once Lynae seems to get the hang of breast feeding, the lactation consultant, I think that’s what she kept calling herself, steps out to let Lynae continue feeding Kaitlin on her own, instructing us to hit the call button if we need anything. I lean back in my chair and watch my girls.

My girls.

If you had told me this is where my life would have ended up, I would have thought you were crazy. I’ve always thought I wasn’t deserving of love. I believed the horrible things my mind kept throwing at me.

I almost lost everything. Hell, I did lose everything there for a while. I let the demons take control and tried to destroy the most precious thing to have ever entered my world. Sitting here now, watching my future wife feed and sing quietly to our daughter, I know now
that there is no life worth living without them in it.

My heart belongs to them.

It beats for them.

The End