Maybe Forever (Maybe... Book 3) (10 page)

I shook my head. "I'm going to do it now. I don't want to wait. I feel like I lost enough time already."

"Ingrid and I were starting to wonder if you were giving up."

"I love Laney too much to give up."

"Good. Because if you'd given up...and if you'd fallen for Benny's tricks...I swear, I would have kicked your ass."

*     *     *

By
the time we closed up for the day, I felt more like the old me. I wasn't obsessing over the designs or if Ole was going to come up with new demands for changes. I wasn't even worrying about if there would be any repercussions from firing Benny. I could almost hear Anton saying, "I knew she was going to be trouble..."

I could even remember the uncertain expression on Laney's face as she asked me if I was attracted to Benny. Why hadn't I answered her? Why hadn't I just said no?

I knew the answer.

I was afraid she would
n’
t believe me no matter what I said. Benny was never who I wanted. She knew how to get under my ski
n—
under everyone's skin. Sh
e’
d intrigued m
e—
she was so free, she did what she wanted, said what she wanted. She reminded me of the way I used to be. Bu
t…
she was
n’
t Laney. She was never the person whose very being I craved. Everything would have been easier if
I’
d just said no when Laney asked me. I was just too blind to see it.

I was still thinking about it as I walked home. For the first time in weeks the sky was clotted with heavy grey clouds. Thunder rumbled in the distance and the air was so heavy it nearly hurt to breathe. I managed to make it to the entrance to my building before it finally started raining. I climbed the flights of stairs to the apartment and then opened every window to let some fresh air in.

If Laney were here, she would have opened all the windows too. She would say the rain was washing away all the stale air and was making everything fresh again. But it could never wash away Laney and how she made me feel.

While the rain pelted the city, I turned on Laney's iMac and booked my airline ticket. The best one I could find on such short notice was with Norwegian. I thought I'd have to fly via Oslo, but it was a direct flight to Miami International Airport. I also arranged for a rental car. I knew Florida would not be as easy to get around in without a car as New York. It was one of the things Cecily had told me about the last time she'd visited us.

Once everything was booked, I called Laney. It was around lunchtime on the East Coast of America. I tried to imagine what she was doing as I waited for her to pick up. Was she at the beach with our daughters? Were she and Cecily having one of their heart-to-heart conversations? Was it raining in Florida as well? Mostly though, I wondered how she would react when I was finally there. I hoped she would not be indifferent. I hoped she would not look at me with the same disappointment shining in her eyes. I wanted her to see me and still feel that same pull, the longing, the intimacy, I wanted her to remember that we were good together, and that we could still be good together. Most of all, I wanted her to remember that she loved me.

I didn't want to leave another voicemail. Instead, I sent a text message that summed up everything going through me.

"
I'm sorry I didn't pay more attention to what you were going through. I promised you I'd always be there. And I broke my promise. I'm sorry.
"

CHAPTER NINE: Laney

All I Want

The
sun was just rising, casting a silvery glow to the colorless sky. The higher it rose, the clouds in the distance warmed to rosy tints of gold. I stopped, let my toes sink into the wet sand and watched the sky come to life. Rebecca was right—coming to the beach every morning and walking along the shoreline, listening to the waves and letting them splash my feet was the best form of medicine for me.

Over dinner last night, she'd shared her story with me—how she left behind an abusive husband and a marriage gone wrong to save herself and her daughters. "I didn't even know where I was going," she'd said as the citronella candles flickered on the painted porch railing. "I asked Peyton and Lorelei what they wanted most, and they said they wanted to see the ocean. So we ended up here."

"Did you know anyone here?" The night had gone chilly and we'd both borrowed shawls from my aunt. Still, we shivered a little, but it was so relaxing to sit here talking like old friends, even though we'd only just met.

Rebecca shook her head. "Nope, no one. Aside from the staff at the motel where we were staying while we tried to find a place to live, your aunt was the first person I met. I was going around trying to find a job, and she said I looked like the sort of person who could use a good break."

"That sounds like Cecily through and through," I said. A moth fluttered over my head and I fanned it away.  "She rescued me from foster care when my dad refused to assume custody of me. My mom had died, and I didn't have anyone. And my aunt found me."

"When was that?"

"I was fifteen when my mother found out her breast cancer was terminal...and then three months later she died." I knew my voice sounded strangely detached as I told Rebecca my story. Sometimes it felt like it had happened to someone else. But the memory of it still lived within me. I never realized how much I needed my mother until she was gone, when suddenly I was a ward of the state and my father would not take me in. "I don't want my girls to ever go through that...the uncertainty, not knowing they are loved..."

"I think they know," Rebecca assured me. "Peyton said Liv kept talking about her papa...she couldn't understand everything, but...she said Liv sang a song about how she loved her daddy."

I nodded and laughed. "Yes, that sounds like Liv. She adores her father."

"But he's not here...?"

"No...I'm...taking a break."

"Cecily mentioned it." Rebecca hugged her knees. "She said you needed some time to think things through."

"That's about the size of it."

"Are you thinking about getting a divorce?"

"I don't know...I don't know anything. I don't want my marriage to be over...but I don't want it to be the way that it is now."

"You should meditate... when you walk on the beach, just repeat some affirmations to yourself, to remind you of what's important...of what you want."

"It's that easy?"

She nodded. "I do it whenever I feel confused, or stuck. I run, I run in the evening and I let my mind wander and then I think through what I want or I remind myself of what's working in my life. You should try it."

So now I was doing it. Walking along the beach, letting my mind swirl with all the worries I kept inside. The air smelled like home—that familiar scent of wet sand, salt and the sea. It reminded me of those walks we took together. It didn't matter what time of year—Mads would wake up, anxious to make love...this I missed so much, how gentle it could all start and then the ache, the desire took over...a
fterwards we'd linger in bed, have a lazy breakfast and
then we'd take the train or drive to the sea. Sometimes we were the only ones on the beach...and he'd walk ahead, always looking back and stretching his hand out to me and calling my name, calling out, "Laney...come...I want to show you something..." His strong hands clasping mine... and in winter, when his beard grew in thick and coppery, how I'd rub my cheeks against his and those red-gold hairs would tickle my skin.

I want...I want to feel whole again...I want the waves to wash away my doubts. I want to be loved. I want him to love me, I want to love him again... I want to love my children... I
do
love my children.

Saying this...whispering it to myself as I walked in the sand...how silly I felt at first. But the longer I walked, the more these words felt like they were true. They
were
true.  And in my mind they transformed.
I am whole. I love myself. I love my children...I love my husband. I am whole. I am healed
.

It is true. It
will
be true.

I returned to my aunt's house feeling unburdened. My aunt and my daughters were still sleeping, and the house seemed as caught in slumber as they were. I checked on the girls. Liv's small body barely made a hump in her bed, though her uncontrollable curls formed a halo on her pillow. Little Freya sighed and murmured as she turned over. I crossed the hall to my room and closed the door behind me. Rebecca was right. I did feel better. And I'd made a decision—at least about whether I would return to work early. I didn't want to lose these months with Freya and Liv. Even if it meant that I would lose my job—I would think of something. I could even freelance—I'd done it before, I could do it again.

I retrieved my iPad and began typing in my letter of resignation and pressed send before I could change my mind.

*     *     *

"
Ah
, good! You're still here!"

I'd just finished wiping down my yoga mat and was rolling it up when my aunt found me. Freya had waddled over to the window and was watching a group of kids play in Namaste's back garden.

"Yeah, we're still here," I said and slipped my yoga mat into its pouch. "I was going to take Freya to the park, but we can stick around if you need help."

"I do," Cecily gestured at the group of children outside. "Do you think you could help me with a kids' yoga session?"

I wasn't sure how much help I could be. I wasn't very good at yoga. Practicing it made me feel better but I lacked the flexibility of Heaven, who led the Baby & Me yoga classes, and I didn't have my aunt's passion for it. I didn't want to say no, though. Especially since she'd been doing everything she could to help me and the girls. Instead of going out in the evenings for walks with her friends or having dinner with Otis, the man I knew she was dating though she pretended otherwise, Cecily was staying close to home, counseling me, consoling me.

"I could try." I housed the strap of my yoga bag on my shoulder and then scooped up Freya. "What shall we do with this little bundle in the meantime?"

"She'll be in the playgroup that Rebecca's taking care of." Cecily looked relieved. "Normally Heaven helps me, but she had a dentist's appointment scheduled."

"It's fine." I followed my aunt as she led the way to the garden. We stopped briefly to drop off Freya with the playgroup. I'd expected Freya to cling—she sometimes didn't take well to strangers, but she was used to Rebecca and, as soon as she saw the other children, she lost interest in me and squirmed to be let down to join them.

"Are we doing an outdoor session?"

"It's better for the group we're working with. Being out in the sun, hearing the birds and feeling the wind on their skin—it seems to calm them more than any soothing music ever could." Before she opened the door to the garden, she paused and added, "Some of these kids have been abandoned or abused, some of them just need a little attention. And they get what they need when they come here."

Outside, a group of preteen and teenage boys and girls waited. There were around ten of them and the older ones tried to look as though this was the last place they wanted to be. I knew that look so well. That had been me when Cecily first brought me to New York. I remembered being scared out of my mind—the city overwhelmed me, it was so much larger than Philadelphia, so many people, too much noise—but I plastered a bland, almost bored expression on my face and pretended that none of it touched me in any way. Cecily didn't buy it from me, and she certainly didn't buy it from them either.

She greeted them all by name. Some of them answered with, "Hey, Miss Cecily..." A few mumbled something similar. One or two remained icily silent.

"Is that all the enthusiasm I get today?" Cecily laughed and shook her head. "Now come on, get your mats and let's start."

Two of the girls giggled as they selected mats and chose spots, but the other three hung back. While Cecily unrolled her mat, I approached the trio and asked them if they needed any help.

"Who are you?" The boldest of the three jutted out her chin at me. She was shorter than me and stocky, while her friends were wisps of girls who tried to look tough.

"I'm Cecily's niece." I pointed to the basket of mats. "Do you need help setting up?"

The girl ignored me and called out to my aunt, "Miss Cecily, is this really your niece? She don't look like you."

My aunt planted her hands on her hips and laughed. "Sharee, are you going to give my niece a hard time, or are you going to get a mat?"

"We never seen her before though, Miss Cecily," Sharee retorted. "Where's Miss Heaven?"

"At the dentist's. Now come on, we haven't got all day—and my niece Laney is like a daughter to me, so be nice."

Sharee shrugged her shoulders and finally did as the others, going over to the basket and retrieving a mat. Her friends followed suit. I also rolled out a mat. I wasn't really sure yet what Cecily needed me to do, but I figured standing around wasn't really the point of it.

Once everyone was seated on their mats, Cecily instructed them to sit cross-legged and place their hands on their knees. Some of the boys awkwardly folded their long legs into the position and glanced around. My aunt had created a safe place for them. The garden was shaded from the street by tall, flowering shrubs and bamboo plants. She'd erected shade sails to keep the worst of the sun off the garden and provide privacy. As my aunt led them through the first breathing exercises, she reminded them to relax, to clear their minds and only focus on the joy inside them. After a while she lifted a small bell and rang it. She nodded at each teenager and asked them to repeat after her: "May I be safe...may I be happy... may I be well."

Around me, their voices formed one as they repeated the phrases my aunt intoned. She took them through a cycle of three repetitions then led them through sun salutations. I stood and observed, sometimes helping them adjust how they held their arms or legs, careful to ask if they needed help first. Some of them flinched when I spoke to them, no matter how soft a tone I used. One of the boys edged away from me when I tried to help him adjust his arms during the second round of sun salutations.

"I can do it," he muttered. He wouldn't look my way. "I don't like to be touched..."

"Okay, no problem," I assured him and then talked him through the position. His shoulders relaxed, but his breathing still sounded tense. I reminded him to focus on breathing slowly and letting his troubles disappear with each breath. After a while he nodded at me and whispered, "Thank you..."

Through each pose, my aunt spoke calmly to them, describing how to place their hands and feet, reminding them to find their center and stay focused on the here and now. I knew that once the session was over, she'd have a chat circle with them. As we went through the last cycle of yoga stances and chants, I stood back and watched how my aunt connected with her charges. She spoke to them in a soft, reassuring voice as she instructed them now to lie down on their backs, close their eyes and go to a safe place. I joined them, though I continued standing.

I let my mind wander to my safe place. When I was younger and my parents were arguing, I always dreamed myself away to a path in the forest. I liked the idea of wandering into this strange, green space. The trees towering over me, protecting me. I'd crawl under my bed with my pillow and hum to myself, until all I saw was the winding path, strewn with twigs and pebbles, the silvery white birch and the shadowy pine trees. I should have been frightened, but it was the forest of my dreams and I knew I was always safe.

I'd forgotten about my safe place. Shelved it away when I moved in with my aunt, bottled it up inside me and let it lie dormant. Now it spiraled again within me, reminding me that it could help me again...if I needed it. And I wouldn't need to run away to find it.

"Thanks so much for helping me today." Cecily and I were walking home now. I was pushing a napping Freya in the stroller, still a little stunned at remembering my childhood sanctuary. "Sometimes the kids can be a handful when I'm on my own, which is why Heaven usually helps me."

"They seemed pretty mellow today."

"We've had good sessions the last week or so," my aunt said as we stopped at the corner and waited for the traffic light to turn green. "It's taken a while to get to this point. All of them have had such fractured lives. A little like you have."

"Fractured...yeah, that would pretty much sum up most of my life." When I was with Niklas, I'd always kept that aspect of my life hidden. It unnerved him—despite his background as a therapist. He liked it when things were orderly, smooth and calm. With Mads, it was different. When I first told him about my broken background, he'd been more angry for me than scared of what it meant. He'd muttered a few choice Danish profanities as I told him about being taken into foster care when my dad said he didn't want me in his life. He was the first person aside from Eddy and Aunt Cecily who'd reacted with such anger and frustration at my situation. And it cemented it for me—he was the one who would keep my heart safe.