Maybe Forever (Maybe... Book 3) (12 page)

CHAPTER ELEVEN: Laney

True Confessions

"
Mommy
does yoga every morning," Liv announced as soon as Mads asked her how she was. "She goes for long walks too."

It was her daily FaceTime call with Mads. I told myself I was doing this for her—making sure she could spend time with him even if she could not actually be in the same place as him—but it was also for me. I wanted to hear his voice, wanted to hear him laugh at Liv's silly stories. I loved how he paid close attention to everything she said, he remembered what she told him and remembered to ask her questions about it.

"But that sounds nice," he said. "I'll bet Mommy is happy then."

I dared to glance up from the basket of laundry I was folding. Mads's tanned face...his hair was so much shorter now, it accentuated the sharpness of his cheekbones and nose. My breath caught in my throat... would I ever stop reacting to how beautiful he was? I didn't think he could see me, but then he raised his hand and waved at me. "
Hej, elskede
..."

I had no choice but to wave back and say "
hej
.
”

"Your walks must be doing you good," he said as I came over to stand by Liv. I knelt beside her. On the other side of the ocean, Mads's smile broadened. "You look...happy."

"You cut your hair..." I blurted out without thinking.

Liv giggled and said, "Papa looks nice!"

"I didn't want it this short..." Mads grinned. He ran his hand over his newly shorn hair. His wedding band glinted in the light. "I said I wanted it trimmed...and the hair stylist went a little scissor-happy."

"It suits you." I wanted to reach through the screen and touch him. "It reminds me of those pictures from when you were younger...the ones your grandmother has on the wall..."

"Laney...when do you think you'll come home?"

His voice caressed me, grazing every sensitive bit of me and peeling away my defenses. I felt my will slip away. I could so easily fall. I knew I could.

"I can't...not yet." I braced my hand on the desktop. Liv leaned forward and kissed the screen. Mads leaned in too and pretended to kiss his screen. He closed his eyes long enough for me to drink him in. When he opened his eyes again, I couldn't look away. Neither could he. How long did we sit there, on opposite sides of the screen and the ocean, staring at one another, wanting one another too much? Thank God Liv was there to distract us.

"I love you, Papa..."

"I love you too, Liv." Mads blinked quickly and flashed a smile just for Liv.

"Papa, I can't find Bobbi Fox..." Liv pouted at the screen. She'd been surprisingly patient about Bobbi Fox's absence—especially since I told her enough Adventures of Bobbi Fox stories to convince her that Bobbi Fox was also on vacation and traveling the world. "I miss her."

Mads told her to hold on. He disappeared from the screen for a few moments and then he returned with Liv's stuffed fox and held her up for Liv to see. "Bobbi Fox came home, she thought Papa needed some company."

"Will you bring her with you?"

"Bring her?" He ran his fingertips over his lips. I thought I saw him smile, but maybe I just wished for it. I loved his smiles—loved how all the hard angles of his face softened and his eyes seemed to flare.

Liv nodded enthusiastically. "Mommy said you are coming too. She said you are coming soon."

Mads took this in. I saw how he glanced from Liv to me. Even if we were miles apart, he understood: we could not disappoint our daughter. "Bobbi told me she can't wait to see you again."

"When are you coming, Papa?"

"Soon,
lille ven
, sooner than you think."

"Say goodbye to Daddy now," I said to Liv. "I want to talk to him too."

At first Liv protested, but Mads calmed her down with a laugh and repeated his promise that he and Bobbi Fox would be there soon. She clapped her hands and blew him kisses. I helped her out of the chair and waited until I heard her chatting with my aunt.

"I miss you, Laney..." Mads said before I could begin wrapping up our call. He tapped the screen and left his hand there. "I want us to work through this. I told you...I'm in this with you for the long haul."

He'd said it to me so many times. Whenever we'd argued, whenever my doubts and insecurities flared and sent me running, he found me and he always said the same thing.

"Do you mean it?" I straightened my shoulders and tried to focus on him without letting my resolve falter. "Because if you're serious...about us, about staying together...then you need to come to me."

I tried to read the expression on his face—his eyes were cast down, a long shadow fell across the bridge of his nose. When he looked up again, he asked me if that was what I wanted, for him to come.

"I came to you, I put everything on the line for you," I said. "Now it's time for you to do the same."

Mads's hand still rested on his screen. I could see how the lines on his palm formed paths and valleys. I kept my eyes trained there, afraid I would say more and not wanting to let a rush of emotion call forward what I really wanted to say—
Why do I feel like I can't live without you? Why do I feel like I love you more than I love my children? I wish we could go back to how we were before...when I knew for certain no other woman would ever turn your head.

"Laney...look at me..."

Mads was peering at me, his gaze steady, those lips I'd kissed and longed to kiss again slightly parted. He placed his right hand on his chest, on his heart. I could already feel my lower lip wobbling.
Hold it together, girl.
Then he bit his lower lip and smiled at me and I couldn't help smiling back. I touched my left hand to the screen, matching my fingertips with his. For a moment I imagined the roughness of his fingertips on mine.

"Laney, I will do anything for you. Anything." Then he lowered his voice. "Do you remember when we first met? How we connected?"

"I can never forget that..."

"It's still there, Laney, that connection...we just have to hold on to it. And I'm not letting go."

*     *     *

After
his call, I couldn't concentrate or relax. I think Freya picked up on my mood because she was also restless. I ended up calling Peyton and asking her if she could babysit Liv so I could go to yoga class again. We were late arriving but the instructor didn't seem to mind. At first I could not even manage to follow along with a simple sun salutation. His voice crept into my mind, distracting me, asking me what I wanted...did I still want him...did I still want our marriage.

"Clear your mind, Laney..." Heaven, our instructor, reminded me. She drifted towards me, placed her hands on my sides and adjusted my position. "Breathe slowly now...remember to center yourself, think of your safe place, exhale...."

Her voice calmed me, smoothing away the rough edges and cocooning me. I could hear my blood rushing through my veins, my breath easing in and out of my lungs. Below me, Freya pushed herself up on her hands, her chubby rump in the air as she tried to balance. She sang "Mama" as she planted her fat little feet on the yoga mat. I followed suit, stretching my body and following all the motions, letting my energy flow. I watched my daughter twist and turn, listened to the unbridled joy in her laughter. She tumbled onto the mat and rolled over on her back. As I held a downward dog, Freya cooed at me and clapped her hands. A laugh bubbled from within me.

My body felt pliant and warm and soothed.

As the class came to an end, I lay on my mat, with Freya cuddling into me. My eyes closed, I continued to let my mind drift as I savored this quiet moment with little girl. I was into my second week of coming to this class and the more I came, the closer I felt to my daughter. After months of sometimes wondering what had happened to my maternal instincts, I finally felt like we'd bonded. I could say I loved her and I felt that love so strongly. I could look at my daughter and feel the love I knew Mads always had for her. Love that I sometimes was afraid I'd faked. But now...with every day I was with her, without worrying as I compared myself to the super-mothers who lived in our apartment building, or fretting that my marriage was crumbling before my eyes and trying to balance the attention and affection I gave to both my daughters, I knew without a doubt that I adored Freya.

Heaven led us through the last part of our meditation. The lights were dimmed. I opened my eyes. Sunlight splashed into the room, warming the beech floors and the masonry wall. "Let your mind return to your now...slowly, let all the questions in your heart find their answers...remind yourself of all the love within you."

I breathed out slowly and flexed my fingers and toes. My thoughts filled with an image of Mads, walking ahead of me on the beach, Liv in his arms, the two of them laughing as he splashed in the surf. He stopped and waited for Freya and me to join them. He stretched out his hand and I grabbed it, lacing my fingers with his and letting him pull me to him. I missed the ebb and flow of what was our life.

I missed him.

"I think Mads is coming," I said very carefully as my aunt and I walked home from the yoga studio. "Unless I misunderstood him."

"Is that what you want?" Cecily slid down her sunglasses. I was pretty convinced that my aunt was probably the most glamorous retiree in Juno Beach. In her colorful linen tunic and silk shorts, she looked more like she should be lounging on a terrace with a Bellini rather than pushing her grand-niece's stroller. "Stop picking at your cuticles, my darling."

"I do...want him to come, I mean." I swept my bangs back. The air was sticky and wet. Would it rain again?

"Then you should tell him."

"I have..." I recounted our conversation for her and then added, "He said he still felt a connection between us, that he knew it was still there. We just need to hold on to it."

"He's right," my aunt said. "Some couples, they lose it, let it fritter away. Or they never had it. Your parents, they never had it. I think your mother tried so hard to get your father to feel it..."

We walked for a while without speaking. I hadn't thought about my parents for a long time. Well, I'd thought about my mother. She was often in my thoughts, her voice sometimes guiding me when I felt confused or alone.

"Cecily, did my father ever really love my mother?"

"Darling, I think he tried. But your father..." She shook her head and sighed. We were nearing her neighborhood now, leaving the wide main streets for the narrower tree-lined lanes.

"Where is he now?"

I hadn't seen my father since that awful Thanksgiving in New York. He'd ruined my first Thanksgiving with Liv. He'd tried to force his way into my life again—as though he had a right to do so. His presumption still bothered me. How could he take for granted that he still held a place in my life when he'd abandoned me? How could he even think he had a right to be a part of my children's life? Even Mads's father didn't think it was a given that he would have access to our girls. It had taken months for him to even call and ask if he could meet Liv. It had taken years for Mads and him to finally resume something of a father-son relationship—and there was still tension between them because of how Benjamin had abandoned Mads and his mother.

"Do you really want to know?"

I nodded. "I'm wondering if I should let him into my daughters' lives."

We turned the corner to Dogwood Lane. I could see Peyton and Liv in the front yard with the bubble blower, sending enormous soap bubbles in the air.

"If you're serious about this, I think you should meet him on your own first," Cecily advised.

"Is he still in North Carolina?"

"No...he actually lives here in Florida. He's south of here, in Fort Lauderdale."

"So I could actually drive there..."

"You could. I don't do it often and he's my brother."

"I thought you'd worked through your differences."

"With Lionel, there are always problems. My brother doesn't know how to be happy or appreciate what he has in his life."

Once we were in the yard, Liv dropped her bubble blower and ran over to me. She wrapped her arms around my legs, welcoming me home with a declaration of "Mommy, I love you!"

"I love you too, sweetie." 

My aunt smiled at us. "Just think about this—what you have with your girls. Do you want Lionel to affect this? Just think carefully before you let him in again."

From the backseat, Liv was chattering in a combination of Danish and English, still excited from her chat with her father. "Gramma,
papa kommer
! He is taking
min
Bobbi Fox on a
flyvemaskine
!"

"English, Liv. Gramma doesn't speak Danish," I reminded her.

"What is she saying?"

"She said her father is coming, and he's bringing her stuffed fox on an airplane."

"Smart boy." My aunt nodded as she drove. "I knew he'd come to his senses."

"So you think he's coming?"