Maybe Forever (Maybe... Book 3) (13 page)

"Of course he is, honey. He misses you. He misses his daughters. He wants his family back."

CHAPTER TWELVE: Mads

Welcome to America

Once
I'd checked in and gone through security, I avoided the duty free shop and found a quiet spot where I could try to collect my thoughts. I hated flying. Short flights were okay; by the time restlessness set off too many triggers in me, it was time to land. But long flights were a chore. It was one of the reasons I never flew alone. The last long-haul flight I took was when Laney and I flew to Mallorca—and even that wasn't very long of a flight. But four hours on a plane and too much anxiety and turbulence had worn me out. I'd contrived too many worst-case scenarios in my head. I fidgeted and shifted in my seat until Laney clasped my hand and massaged my knuckles with her thumb. She was pregnant with Freya then...already in her fifth month and we knew this was probably our last vacation until she was born. And Laney distracted me with idle talk about baby names.

"Should we name her Monika?" she'd wondered when even her touch did little to calm me down. "Or Josefina."

"What?" I cast a nervous glance at the window. Laney reached across me and drew down the sun shade.

"What should we name our daughter?" Gently, she pulled my hand over to her baby bump, barely noticeable under the tunic she wore, but as soon as she covered my hand and held it there, the white noise of my nerves ebbed. "I know we don't know if it's a boy or a girl...but it
feels
like it's a girl again."

She knew me so well. She knew when I needed to be soothed; she sensed when my desire for her was driving me crazy, even before I reached for her. Sometimes I was certain she could read my mind.  During that flight, Laney distracted me, never letting me give in to my fear of flying, her voice a drug for me as she rambled off different names, asked me which sounded nicer as she said them. I barely noticed when the plane touched down in Palma. I was so happy we'd decided on a name for the little girl who was waiting patiently to be born.

I'd have to distract myself this time. At least I'd remembered to pack my iPad and the John le Car
ré
novel Laney had given me at the beginning of the summer. I checked my watch for the umpteenth time. I still had around two hours until my flight would board. A few meters away from me a trio of teenage boys tried to order beers from the sports bar.  The female bartender shook her head no and offered them sodas instead. They took it in stride, struggling and laughing as they accepted the three bottles of Coke she set before them. Henrik and I had tried the same thing the first time we went away on our own. We were going to island-hop in Greece and we thought no one would notice how wet behind the ears we were. We failed at getting beers too and had to settle for orange Fanta. I wondered if it would be the same for Freya and Liv when they were old enough to travel on their own.

Thinking of my two girls reminded me of my traveling companion, Bobbi Fox. Laney had made the fox while she was pregnant with Liv. She'd found some patterns online and, with Ingrid's help, sewed a menagerie of stuffed woodland animals for the nursery. From the moment we brought Liv home, though, the only one she had eyes for was the scarlet fox with its blue and white gingham bandana. Bobbi Fox kept nightmares at bay, distracted Liv when a temper tantrum threatened to flare, elicited excited laughter when Liv was bored. I could only wonder how Laney had got Liv through these weeks without Bobbi Fox.

In roughly ten hours, I would be on American soil, I'd be with my family again. I thought back to that day in Humle
bæ
k, when I'd bumped into my father. He'd tried to warn me and I'd missed all the signs. He'd looked out for my wife and children when I let my work get in the way. But now, I was going to make things right.

Ten hours. I could handle it. As long as at the end of it, I would see my wife again, hold my children again. I could do this.

When they announced my flight, I sent a text message to Cecily: "I'm on my way."

Her reply came just as I was boarding: "It's about time."

Somehow I managed to fall asleep during takeoff. I dreamt of my mother, as she was before the accident. In the dream we were walking along the beach in winter. Snow dusted the sand and a milky mist hung over the water. My mother held a sleeping Freya as she imparted words of wisdom to me. But the me in the dream was a younger, angrier version of me. And when she tried to give Freya to me, I wouldn't take her. My mother forced me to take her. "This is your daughter," she reminded me. "You helped create her, so you need to help love her as well." When I finally reached for her, Freya disintegrated into dust. I cried out and demanded to know what my mother had done to her.

"I haven't done anything, Mads. This is what happens when love is gone."

I jerked awake to the plane bumping through the clouds.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please return to your seats and fasten your seatbelt. We're experiencing a bit of turbulence."

The woman sitting beside me glanced my way but I wouldn't make eye contact with her. She'd been eying me since we boarded the flight. I checked my seatbelt was fastened and pulled out my iPad. I'd recorded some of the FaceTime chats I'd had with the girls. Their laughter and smiling faces would keep me from thinking about how the plane was being knocked around by turbulence.

Laney's face filled the screen. She was focused on keyboard. Her dark hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail. This was the last FaceTime chat we'd had. The only one without the kids. She'd called me in the middle of the night. I'd heard my iPad ping and when I'd fumbled for it, she was there, her face scrubbed clean of makeup, her lips parted as though she were about to speak.

"Did I wake you...?" she'd asked though she knew what time it was in Copenhagen. She was wearing a tank top and one strap was sliding off her shoulder. "I know it's late there."

My own reply was muffled. It didn't matter what I'd said. I forgot everything as I fumbled for my headphones, tuned out everyone around me and immersed myself in my wife's voice. She licked her lips, lowered her eyes so her lashes fanned her cheeks. She was so lovely...how stupid I was, letting her slip away from me. We talked as we hadn't for so long. About how we felt, about where we were going...I asked her if she was leaving me for good. She hesitated, then said no. "I needed a break...I think you needed one from me too."

I replayed one part of the chat...when Laney swept her ponytail over her right shoulder and turned her head to speak to Liv. The elegant line of her neck mesmerized me. I'd kissed her there so many times, nuzzled into her and breathed in the scent of her skin. When she'd turned back to the screen, she seemed surprised I'd waited. Then she touched her fingers to the screen and said, "I wish I could touch you again. I miss you, Mads."

"I'll come," I'd told her. "If you want me there, I'll come."

"Then come."

The woman beside me cleared her throat several times. I kept my eyes trained on my iPad screen. Why couldn't she leave me alone? The last thing I wanted to do was make idle small talk with her. I'd switched now from the recorded FaceTime chats to my photo albums. Thumbnails of images from our wedding lined the screen
.
Whenever I looked at these photographs, it took me back four years ago to that July day in an instant. All of the craziness that preceded it—the mix-up with venues, the dress Laney ordered from the US that never arrived...Henrik nearly losing our wedding rings. None of it mattered. We walked down the aisle together since neither of us wanted to be given away. "I'm not property," Laney had said from the very beginning. "I am giving myself to you and you're giving yourself to me."

Marius, Laney's colleague, took most of the photos. He spent most of our wedding ceremony and reception on his feet, wandering around the church and then the park where we'd had our reception dinner, capturing candid moments and spontaneous shots. Nearly every picture was perfect. One in particular was my favorite: Marius had managed to catch us as we danced and Laney was laughing at something I'd said. Her head was tipped back, and the white flowers in her hair looked as though they'd bloomed just for her. My hands rested on the curve of her hips and it was obvious there was nowhere else I wanted to be, no one else I wanted to have. Henrik used to tease me and say I was too intense with Laney, that it was a wonder I didn't scare her off with the intensity of my love for her. In that picture, I looked as though I would devour her with my desire for her. I was gazing at her and only her. I think in that moment I was wondering how much longer we had to stay...when could we escape to the hotel room we'd booked as our honeymoon suite, so that I could undo each of the tiny buttons on her dress and watch it fall away from her body. I was addicted to the gentle hum of her body, of the song it sang just for me.

"Those are gorgeous pictures." The woman in the aisle seat gripped my arm. She'd angled her body toward me. "Did you take them?"

I shook her hand off my arm. "They're from my wedding."

"Well, it looks as though you had a lovely ceremony."

She was smiling a little too brightly. I recognized that look from my sperm donor days, the look of someone who wanted more than you could ever give them. I didn't want her to think any conversation was encouragement or mutual interest. I didn't return her smile. I nodded absently and turned my face toward the window. The sky was still blue, sunset still a long way off. On the in-flight entertainment screen, the map showed that we were somewhere over Greenland. Soon we'd enter North American airspace.

The hours were ticking down. I wondered how Laney would react to my arrival. I want her to be happy to see me; I wanted her to forgive me for being such a fucking stupid idiot. I squeezed my thumb in my fist and let the words repeat in my head:
"I will do anything for you, I don't ever want to be without you again, take me back...please...take me back."

By the time we landed, my seatmate had finally given up trying to ensnare me in conversation and turned her attentions to the man in the other aisle seat. I collected my belongings, tried to still my nerves and remind myself that she wanted me to come. I just had to hope we both wanted the same thing. And if she'd decided she wanted to take another route...maybe I could persuade her to change her mind.

Getting through passport control took a hell of a lot longer than I remembered. After what felt like an eternity, it was my turn to approach one of the windows. The woman who interviewed me was so stern and emotionless at first. She tapped on her computer, then looked up. "Are you travelling alone?"

I nodded, scratched my chin and said, "My wife is already here. She came a few weeks ago with our daughters."

"And your wife is American?"

"Yeah, she is. Well, she has dual citizenship. American and Danish."

"And where are you staying while you're here?"

"With her aunt, in Juno Beach." I rested both of my hands on the counter. My nerves were flaring up again. My hands shook a little. She glanced at them, then started typing again. That's when I blurted out, "She left me... I took her for granted, I was stupid and she left me. So I've come to work things out."

"So you're here for pleasure, then?" She tried to keep a straight face in spite of my perhaps ill-timed confession. Then she flashed a smile at me and added, "I hope it works out. I always root for love." Then she stamped my passport. "Welcome to America, Mr. Rasmussen. And good luck."

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: Laney

And I Love Him

"
Today
is almost the best day ever," Liv announced in Danish. Her head rested on my shoulder as I carried her. We'd gone to the beach together with Rebecca and Lorelei to collect shells. Now we had a sack full of mother-of-pearl shells and pebbles. My aunt had taken Freya on an outing of her own. She thought Freya might enjoy a trip to the Fort Lauderdale Zoological Gardens instead.

"I'm glad you think so," I told her. "I want you to have fun while we're here."

Beside us, Rebecca and Lorelei were singing as they skipped and danced their way up Dogwood Lane. Hanging out with them, seeing a different way of interacting with my daughters and not having to feel like it was all a competition to be supermom was refreshing. I liked how Rebecca and her daughters had fun together—she let them be kids, she didn't care about dressing them up like little fashion plates or turning them into mini-adults. If they wanted to wear torn jeans and T-shirts and blow bubbles on the beach, she was okay with that. I had to hold onto this when I went back to Copenhagen—I didn't have to compete with the other mothers, I could be me and that was fine.

"Thanks so much for suggesting this outing, Rebecca." We'd come to a stop outside of her bungalow. "This was exactly what Liv and I needed."

"Honey, you're so welcome—and we were glad for the company." She let go of Lorelei's hand. As soon as she did, Lorelei took off across the yard and did a handstand.

"I was wondering...would you be able to go somewhere with me tomorrow?" I shifted Liv in my arms. She was humming against my neck. "I need to go to Fort Lauderdale and I don't really want to go on my own."

"I have to work until 1PM, but I'm free after that," she said. "So...what's the mission? Are we shopping...or are you looking for a place here?"

"What? Oh, no...I'll have to go back to Denmark soon. Sooner or later, I'll have to work things out with my husband...and I want to, and I think he wants it too." I bounced Liv in my arms. "Cecily told me my father's living here in Florida now...and I haven't seen him since Liv was a baby. I just don't want to go alone."

"Difficult situation?"

"You could say that..."

"Yeah, sure, count me in. I can swing by as soon as I am done. Peyton and Lorelei are going on an excursion with Cecily and Heaven tomorrow."

"Is it the art museum trip she mentioned this morning?"

"Yes, they do this every summer for the kids who come to the yoga classes," Rebecca said. "Are Liv and Freya going too?"

I nodded. "Cecily thought it would be fun for them."

"So, then we leave as soon as I am done at the studio. And we take a road trip to Fort Lauderdale."

"Thanks for agreeing to this."

"No problem. I know what it's like having bad blood with family. I hope you and your father will be able to resolve your differences..."

We said our goodbyes, then Liv and I continued down the road to my aunt's house. I didn't recognize the car parked behind my aunt's in the driveway. On closer inspection, I saw it was a rental car.

Liv mumbled to me that she was hungry. "We'll have a snack as soon as we've freshened up," I told her. "Grilled cheese sandwiches?"

She shook her head. "Mango...I like mangoes."

"Mangoes it will be, then," I agreed. I managed to open the door. I could hear my aunt in the kitchen talking to someone. I thought perhaps she was on the phone with Eddy. But then I heard a male voice...a voice I recognized. I stopped in my tracks. Liv, so attuned to anything connected with her father, reacted immediately.

"Papa!" she squirmed out of my arms and ran into the kitchen, still singing "Papa" until she found him.

I found the courage to move again. He'd caught Liv in his arms and was giving her a tight hug. I wanted to run to him, to cast myself at him, but I held back. He needed this moment with Liv and she needed it too. My aunt was beaming at their reunion.

"
Papa, du er her endelig!
" Liv giggled as she planted wet kisses on his cheeks. "
Jeg savnede dig!
"

"I missed you too, sweetheart," Mads admitted. He cradled Liv's face in one hand and smiled at her. "I missed you so much I couldn't wait any longer to see you."

I set the bag of shells down on the floor and joined them in the kitchen. The air crackled with our mutual longing and tension. We both wanted to banish this distance between us, yet we were afraid of taking the next step. So much had happened.

I tried to smile but it wavered... I felt suddenly shy and uncertain. Mads looked as insecure as I felt. We both smiled but didn't make a move. "Hi..." God, what a stupid way to greet him when we hadn't seen one another in so long. I raised my hand in a wave then let my hand drop to my side.

"Hi...so...I came." He smiled at me over the top of Liv's head. His neck and ears flushed red. They always did when he was nervous.

"Yeah, you did, didn't you?"

We both laughed nervously.

Liv gave us both a quizzical look. "Mommy, aren't you going to hug Papa?" she demanded.

"I will, sweetie," I assured her. "I just wanted you to have a good welcome with Daddy."

She gave him an extra squeeze. "Freya will be happy Papa is here too. Did you bring Bobbi Fox?"

Mads nodded. "I did—she's waiting for you in your room."

"She missed me—didn't she?"

"Of course she did,
lille ven
. She said she couldn't sleep without you."

"Me neither! But Mommy told me Bobbi Fox adventures!"

"She did? I'll bet they were exciting." Though he was talking to Liv, Mads's eyes were trained on me. The intensity of his gaze made me wish we were alone. Even with everything we needed to work through, the pull to be close to him, to feel his strength and warmth never left me. I wanted so badly to nuzzle into him, feel his razor stubble scrape my cheeks, to feel his hands taking possession of me. But I waited patiently. I had to. As much as I wanted him, my daughter needed this time with her father.

Instead, I turned to my aunt and said, "This is a nice surprise."

"It certainly is," she agreed. But the satisfied expression on her face told me she'd known all along that he was coming. She'd probably spoken to Mads more often than I had to ensure he understood that he needed to come to bring us back together. I should have been annoyed, but I couldn't erase the silly grin from my face.

Mads pressed several kisses to Liv's cheek then finally set her down on the floor. She squealed with delight and ran past him, already longing to be reunited with Bobbi Fox. My aunt followed suit, knowing we needed this time alone.

We both stood there, the distance between us pulsating.

Then he crossed the room and grabbed me and I gasped in his arms. I held him close and didn't let go. Oh God...he was finally here. Even if there was still so much we needed to sort out...he was here, and he was holding me like I was the only woman he'd ever wanted. Being in his arms again, feeling his warmth and the security of him...I was home again. And when I realized he was sobbing, his body trembling against mine, I held him tighter and stroked his neck.

"Don't ever leave me again, Laney...please...not like this again."

I didn't answer, I just held him tighter. There was no one else who mattered more to me than the man in my arms.              

*     *     *

Once
Freya woke from her nap and realized her father was with us, she and Liv claimed him as theirs. In a way, this was the best solution. We needed this...they needed his attention, and Mads gave it freely. Even though he looked exhausted from the flight—and I knew how tense he was during long-haul flights—he gave them his undivided attention, cuddling Freya, listening to Liv as she babbled to him about how good it was to have him and Bobbi Fox there. I hovered for a while in the doorway to the girls' room, my arms folded across my chest as I watched him together with our girls. It hurt to think that I'd deprived him of this—no matter how much I'd needed this time, I saw how hard it had been for him. I backed away from the room and retreated to my aunt's garden. Outside, the air was wet and thick and heavy. Soon it would probably rain—another afternoon thunderstorm.

I sank into one of the porch chairs and let out a long sigh. My hands were shaking. I tried yoga breathing to calm down but still it didn't help. I didn't know what to do. He was here; I wanted to be near him, I didn't trust myself near him. It was a relief when Aunt Cecily came out and joined me. She claimed the chair by mine and said, "The girls are over the moon he's here."

"I'm glad. They missed him."

"You did too, Laney," Cecily took my hand and squeezed it. "It's okay to admit it."

"Did you know he was coming?"

"Eddy told me when he'd booked his ticket."

"She should have told me..."

"Would it have made a difference?" She stroked my hair with her other hand. "My darling, you missed him. You told me you wanted to work through things with him. And now he's here."

Being here with my aunt made me wish my mother were also here. I knew my mother would tell me to work things through with Mads. Even when my father had been at his worst, she tried to talk things out with him in her calm, collected way. She didn't give in to shouting or throwing things—even when she was losing her patience.

My aunt's voice stayed calm as she spoke to me. "Remember the guided meditation you've learned, remember what you've told me during our evening chats. You want your marriage to work. And Mads wants the same thing. So when the girls have finally let go of him, you two need to talk...about anything, about everything."

"I do want my marriage to work..."

"I want that too, Laney." Mads's voice startled me. I turned quickly. He stood in the doorway, his hands in his pockets. "I haven't given up on us. I hope you haven't either."

"Mads, are you hungry?" My aunt asked. She let go of my hand and stood. "I'm sure that airline food was appalling."

He grinned at my aunt. "It was pretty disgusting. But I'm spoiled...Laney is such a good cook."

My aunt patted his cheek as she passed him. "I'll go and start dinner. You and Laney need some time together."

So we were alone again, neither of us moved at first. Thunder rumbled in the sky. The air around us charged with electricity...or was it the tension between us, building after these weeks apart?

"There are so many things I want to say to you," he started. "I don't even know where I should begin...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about everything."

Mads took another step towards me. I wanted to say I was sorry as well but the words were stuck in my chest. He swiped his hand over his mouth and glanced away. His jaw tensed.

I wanted to reach out and stroke away that tension. I knew he wouldn't stop me, but I didn't trust myself not to take things further. But...I stood, I went to him and touched him. I had to... He didn't move...though I heard his breath catch in his throat. He wanted this too. His arms came around me and pulled me closer. I leaned my head on his shoulder and breathed in the scent of him. "I don't know what to do, Laney..." he breathed in my ear. "I don't know what I should do to make you trust me again, to believe in me again."

He kissed me then...first pressing a soft kiss on my forehead...my lips parted in anticipation as he tipped my head back, brushed his lips over my cheeks...the tip of my nose and then finally my lips. His breath was hot; I wanted to kiss him forever. I slid my hands under his shirt, anxious to feel his bare skin again. We stood like this, kissing tentatively then letting our kisses grow deeper, more passionate, until a clap of thunder startled us.

"Maybe we should go inside," I ventured. The sky had darkened...the air was so thick with humidity it felt like droplets of rain were already falling. Mads trailed his fingertips along my cheeks, then he dipped in for another kiss. I moaned against his lips, pressed my body closer to his.

"I know we have a lot to talk about," Mads said softly. "But tonight...I just want to lie beside you again. I just want to be near you."

"I want that too." I captured his lips again, savoring the taste of him, how he knew exactly how to hold me, to kiss me back.

"So...tomorrow...we start from scratch?" Fat droplets of rain finally began to fall, pelting the dry soil and the porch railing. Mads shielded me from it, turning us so the rain hit his back. Heat rose from his body, seeping into my clothing, drenching me with his scent. I loved the smell of him, loved how safe it felt to be in his arms.

I nodded. "Tomorrow, we can talk about everything."