Memo: Marry Me? (14 page)

‘Why not? The day is over. What’s there to say that hasn’t already been said?’ She turned fully to face him. Her eyes held the shadows of all that had passed between them. Lily opened the apartment door.

Before she could try to stop him, Zach drew her inside and stepped in too. On the sofa in the small living room, Jemima the cat raised a furry head, gave an interested rumble, and subsided again.

Zach attempted a wry smile. ‘We forgot to watch for her, despite your sign on the door.’

‘Forgetting is what I do best.’ Her words were flippant, but he heard the bitter edge, and wanted to tell her not to be so hard on herself.

In some part of his mind, Zach noticed the warmth and cosiness of Lily’s home, and his heart ached to be part of that warmth. That comfort. Was it possible? Would she even consider it?

‘Lily.’ He held her gaze, despite the wariness in her eyes. ‘I was wrong to believe what Lara said to me five years ago. I realise now that I didn’t even love her.’ Love? He hadn’t even known the meaning of the word until Lily had stormed his life and heart with her notebook and her pencil at the ready in her hands.

Lily took a slow breath. ‘What exactly did Lara say that you shouldn’t have believed?’

‘That I couldn’t have my family and have her, too. That I gave them all my time and attention and there wasn’t enough left for her.’ There were sticky notes on Lily’s refrigerator in date order, left to right, row after row, outlining things she had to remember and do. A wall chart covered the area over the sink.

Two Bendigo pottery mugs sat side by side on the counter. Zach wanted to drink coffee with her out of matching mugs in the mornings for the rest of their lives.

His hands clenched at his sides. ‘I believed what Lara told me. I thought I didn’t have enough to offer any woman, that loving someone and caring for my family were mutually exclusive because I couldn’t abandon them to focus on the woman in my life. But Lara was wrong.’

Lily’s lips parted on a soundless breath. ‘After seeing you all together the day Daniel went missing, I understand how close you are. I’m certain Lara was
right
. How could anyone else fit into what you all share?’

‘You already fit in. You helped organise my birthday party, watched Dan play hockey, and stood in the rain to watch me play at practice today. You were there when Dan went missing. You’ve already proved you can be a willing part of my family.’ All along, Lily had been fitting into his life and Zach had been too stupid, too scared to realise the truth until now.

He took a deep breath and held her gaze, his body tense as he watched for her reaction. ‘I love you, Lily. You have my heart and I want to marry you and keep you in my life as my wife, my lover,
and
as part of my family.’

Lily choked back a gasp. Zach spoke with such intensity. There were lines of strain on his face that hadn’t been there before. She wanted to smooth those tense places with the tips of her fingers. Wanted to put her arms around him and hold onto him and never let go.

She wanted to say yes to him, but they couldn’t be together, no matter what he said. ‘I can’t. I don’t — ’

‘You don’t love me?’ His mouth tightened, and he took another step towards her. He seemed to reach right into the depths of himself, to struggle before he finally said, his voice deep and hungry and determined, ‘I don’t believe that. I know you, and I love you, and I believe you love me too. It was there in every touch, every moment, when I took you back to my house and we made love. Are you going to tell me I’m wrong about that?’

Lily couldn’t deny it, but she had to make him see the reality. He might think he loved her now, but, when he realised how much her injury really impacted on her life, he would change his mind. He wouldn’t be able to remain committed to her then.

She tugged her hands from his, flung one arm out to encompass her home, pointed at the fridge with its notes stuck all over it. ‘How can you want to be with this? Take a good look, Zach, and see that it’s so much more than you’ve thought about or realised.’

When he didn’t seem to get her point, she grabbed him by the arm and dragged him across to the room beyond the tiny bathroom.

She flung that door open, and gestured at the floor-to-ceiling shelves that covered one wall. They were already half-filled with notebooks, each one labelled and dated.

‘My notebooks have glossaries, Zach, and I refer to them.’ She sent another wild gesture towards the shelves. ‘Sometimes I have to come in here and go through that wall of books and try to figure out what I’ve done or said, or where I’ve been or where I’m supposed to be going.’

‘Don’t.’ He choked it out. Reached for her. Pulled her into his arms and wrapped them around her, and gave a harsh, aching sob of sound into her hair.
‘Don’t
, Lily.
It doesn’t matter.’

She wrapped her arms around his waist. Oh, blissful homecoming. Pressed her head to his chest, and listened to a heartbeat that would be part of her own for ever.

But this still couldn’t be, and she drew back in his arms. Forced her gaze up until it reached his eyes. Love shone there. ‘It matters, Zach. How can it not?’

‘Yes, okay, fine, it matters, but not in the way you’re saying!’ He dropped his arms. Turned away from her on an abrupt movement that took him to those shelves. He looked his fill, and then he looked at her. ‘Don’t you see? You’ve got my whole heart right now, and you’ll always have it. You can come
into
the circle of my family and be with me there.’

‘But…’

‘You’re the one who’s really backing away.’ He said it on a breath of revelation, and stared at her with dawning understanding. ‘I’ve been so wrapped up in fighting my own fears that it didn’t occur to me you’d set up your own roadblocks, but you have.’

‘They’re not just roadblocks, Zach.’ She thought back over the struggles she had endured. The battles she had fought to get her life back after her accident. Some she had won. Others had defeated her and always would. ‘They’re impenetrable walls.’

He glared at her, and those hands were fisted again and he made no effort to hide his anger or his accusation. ‘You’re hiding behind your memory condition to avoid committing to me, to us.’ He drew a hard breath. ‘You’ve always done that. It’s why you refuse to work anywhere for longer than a few weeks.

‘It’s not simply because you’re scared they’ll notice you’re different and that might make things uncomfortable. You’re not worried about making mistakes and getting things wrong. It’s because you believe, when they realise your condition, they’ll reject
you
.’

‘All right. I admit it!’ Goaded, she flung her words at him like arrows, only it was Cupid in reverse, because this could only end it. ‘I admit, I won’t stay at anything too long. I’m scared if I do the people around me will realise I’m not like others, and won’t want me any longer. I’m scared about that because it’s
true
. I’m
different
. Less.
Not good enough!’

For a moment, Lily struggled to control her emotions. She would not cry in front of him. ‘If I opened myself to you right now, if I agreed to stay and love you for ever, you’d give up on me. Just like Mum did. Just like Richard did.’

‘Listen to me.’ He pulled her to his chest. ‘Listen.’

She struggled, but he refused to let her go, and she subsided against him with a cry that mingled pain and the pieces of a life she had put together by her own might and determination, but that was still, oh, so fragile.

‘I’m not them.’ Zach breathed the words against Lily’s ear. Beneath her hand, they reverberated in his chest, too. His words were all around her, and she couldn’t reject them. He seemed determined that she wouldn’t.

Then he drew her closer still. With a shaking hand, he cupped the back of her neck, stroked his fingers through her hair. He closed his eyes, pressed his cheek to hers and swallowed hard. ‘I love you. I need you.
You
, Lily, just as you are. You’re not less. You’re
more
. So much more.’

Zach drew back, his gaze searching hers. ‘I told you I want to marry you. I mean that. Your memory loss only makes me love you more. It’s part of you, Lily, part of all that I love about you.’

Oh, how her heart soared before she dragged it back down and forced herself to tell the truth, to make him see all of it. ‘It will never change, Zach. Every day for the rest of my life, I’ll get out of bed and find my notebook sitting there with a sticky note on top telling me to record everything that matters.’

Her breath caught, but she forced herself to go on. ‘I’ll wash my hair and then not be able to remember if I did it or not. Clothes will go missing because I take them to the dry-cleaners and don’t remember they’re there. Little things will keep falling through the cracks in my brain.’

‘We’ll get shower-proof sticky notes and a waterproof pen. You can write down when you wash your hair.’ His gaze roved over her. Softly. Oh, so softly. ‘I’ll remind you about the dry-cleaners. Hell, Lily, I wouldn’t care if we lost every stitch of clothing we owned. It doesn’t matter if you forget things. I’ll remind you of what I can, and for the rest we’ll just get over it.
I want you. That’s all that matters.’

Finally, hope took hold. Found fertile soil and put down its roots. Blossomed as her hands lifted, reaching for the man who had taken her heart, and would have it always. ‘I…I love you. If you’re sure about this — ’

‘Lily.’
He clasped her hands. Rained kisses over her face. His eyes filled with tears and he laughed, blinked them back, fell on her mouth and kissed her with passion and longing and hunger. ‘My Lily of the valley, my tiger Lily and Lily of peace. I’m not letting you go. Not ever. Do you understand that?’

He touched beneath her lashes where tears had pooled and spilled over. Kissed those tears away. Looked into her eyes and gave her his promise. ‘I’m going to learn all about your memory condition, but not because I pity you. I’ll do it because I want your life to be happy and secure and comfortable, and I’m determined to help you make it that way.’

‘What about your family? Will they really be able to accept me?’As his wife?

Zach dropped a kiss on her brow, and a smile broke out on his face. ‘They already think you’re great. I know they’ll welcome you into all our lives.’

‘Together.’ Could she really be a part of a loving family? Have that, and the man at her side? ‘Oh, Zach. Is this really happening? Is it really all true?’

He took her latest notebook from its resting place on her desk. Flipped it open, and scribbled for a long time inside it before he snapped it shut. ‘It’s true, and in case you ever forget I’ve just written down for you that you agree to be part of my family.

‘Sunday dinners at Mum’s place. Visits to Dan at his school next year. Entertaining him when he’s home. We’ll do it together, Lily. Say you’ll marry me soon.’

‘I love you so much. I want to marry you.’ Her heart pounded hard in her chest as hope and happiness welled up. But there was one last thing. ‘What about…children of our own? I don’t know if I can be a good mother.’

He laughed. Wrapped his arms around her and hugged her up tight against him, and then his laughter faded and he looked deep into her eyes and let his love shine. ‘I want babies with you. We’ll muddle through. Together.’

They were the sweetest words Lily had ever heard. ‘Then yes, Zach, I want to marry you.’

‘Soon.’ He growled the command and scooped her up and into his arms, then crossed to her bedroom and flung open the door. ‘Marry me soon, but make love to me right now.’

And that is exactly what she did.

‘I’
D
like to say a few words before we head for the beach, and the fun part of the day for the younger contingent.’ Zach stood at the long, elegant restaurant table and felt Lily’s hand slip into his where she sat beside him.

It was the beginning of summer. After a Las Vegas wedding — he’d refused to wait and Lily, bless her, had agreed — they’d now been married eight wonderful months. Every day he wondered how he had got to be so blessed.

Today, his heart was bursting. And breaking a little, too. The expression in Lily’s eyes showed she understood it all. She squeezed his hand.

Today was primarily about Daniel, and they had worked hard to ensure it would be memorable for him. Daniel’s small group of young mates fell silent now, and looked at Zach expectantly.

Zach glanced at the rest of the guests. At Lily’s parents who, at her father’s instigation, were seeing her more often, even if relations would probably never be picture-perfect. Her mother was learning to curb her tongue, particularly when her husband told her in a quavering voice to do exactly that!

Zach’s mother was accompanied by Vince Goodman today. Zach wasn’t sure what he thought of that man’s recurring appearance in his mother’s life.

Lily’s work colleagues, five lovely women aged between twenty-something to Deborah’s ‘young’ forty, ranged beside her at the table. And there was Maddie, back from her time off months ago, and running Zach’s office once again. They were all here.

He cleared his throat. ‘Daniel, we couldn’t be more proud that you’ve been accepted into Sarrenden College, and we hope that the experience is everything you could want.’ A smile tugged at his mouth as he looked at his young brother. ‘We’d all like to get in early and request computerised robots for next Christmas, but we’d settle for your company in the school holidays.’

Laughter echoed around the table.

‘Thanks, Zach. Thanks, Mum.’ Daniel’s grin was wide and happy, and full of his hopes and dreams. ‘I can’t wait to get there.’ He glanced at his mates. ‘But I’ll be back often. Maybe we could form a recreational hockey team and meet up every holidays.’

This suggestion met with enthusiastic cheers that took a while to die down. The boys had been good, but they were starting to get twitchy now that the food was finished and they’d had their share of caffeinated fizzy drinks.

‘We’re going to head to Whale Beach now so we can enjoy some sun and surf.’ Zach said it cheerfully, but suddenly his throat tightened. He hadn’t realised it would be so hard to say this goodbye, even though Daniel wouldn’t be going for quite a few weeks yet, and it wasn’t as if he was moving to the other side of the world.

Zach smiled down at Lily, and wondered when his hand had tightened on hers so fiercely, and how she had known he would need that.

And he let the joy in his heart flow around the bittersweet acceptance that his little brother was growing up and needed to spread his wings. ‘Before we leave the restaurant, there’s another announcement.’

Zach drew Lily to her feet. He smiled with pride and pleasure at this woman who had unlocked a part of his heart he had thought closed for ever. Who had helped him to grieve for his father in ways he hadn’t realised he had suppressed over all those years.

And who had let him into
her
world, and had blossomed somehow, even in the face of his bumbling attempts to be her rock, and to stand back so she could be her own strength too.

‘A few months ago, Lily reapplied to finish her psychology studies. She’s had a bit of shift in focus since then, but I’m very proud to say she received her acceptance letter recently.’

He saw the pride that crossed her father’s face, and also the knowledge of what was about to come. Carl was the only one who knew, besides Zach and Lily herself. Sharing that particular secret had bonded them together in a special way.

Lily smiled at Zach, and then at the group of faces at the table. Her face, too, shone with pride and pleasure. ‘I’m thrilled to have received that acceptance letter. It’s important to me because I’ve proved I can do it. As you all know, Deborah has already agreed to take over most of the running of the job agency to allow me to focus on my studies.’

‘My daughter was a High Distinction student,’ Zach heard Dorothea brag to Maddie.

Lily heard it too, and gave a wry shake of her head. ‘Well, Deb, I’m still going to need you to run the agency, and I’ll still be going to classes for a while, but not at university. These will be classes of an altogether different kind.’

After a moment of complete silence at the table, Daniel gave an excited whoop that reverberated right through the restaurant. ‘I know what she’s going to say! I know it, I know it.’

‘Yes.’ Lily turned a smiling face towards Zach, and love and happiness shone in her eyes. ‘With my business to take care of and…other things on the way, I don’t feel I can go back to university studies just now. Instead, the classes I’ll be attending are Lamaze.’ Her voice filled with excitement and pleasure. ‘Zach and I are expecting a baby!’

‘Oh, my!’

‘This is so wonderful!’

‘I’m going to be an uncle.’ This came from Daniel, of course.

Lily’s mother dropped her wine glass and splashed a hideously expensive white all over the skirt of her navy dress. She was so busy gaping, she didn’t actually notice.

Lily’s girls got up and did an impromptu boogie dance right there beside the table, complete with excited screams, and quite a bit of bottom wiggling.

Daniel’s friends stared, open-mouthed, at the spectacle of five adult women acting crazy in a really expensive restaurant.

While Vince probably thought Zach wasn’t taking notice, he kissed Zach’s mother. Right on her mouth.

‘Don’t growl,’ Lily admonished.

Zach cupped the back of her head with his hand, and let his gaze linger on eyes that shone like stars. ‘I love you so much. Did I growl?’

‘You were about to. I love you, too.’

‘Go party.’ He nodded towards the line of women still boogying behind her.

Lily joined her friends and danced around the table. Zach laughed, grabbed Maddie, who happened to be closest, and danced her around too.

His mother cried into Vince’s dinner shirt.

Half a dozen almost-teenage boys thunked their heads on the table in disgust.

The other diners gawked. Some smiled, some shook their heads. But, in the end, if a little pandemonium broke out in one of Sydney’s most prestigious and elite eating venues that Sunday afternoon, so what? They all seemed to have had a good time!