More Letters From a Nut (27 page)

Dear Bookings Dept.:

I am the leader of “THE NUDE BEATLES.” We perform a condensed history of the Beatles, but are completely naked. After ten or fifteen minutes you forget we are nude. (Ringo wears a poncho during Sgt. Pepper).

We are not “Unplugged.” We are “The Beatles Unclothed.” We delve deeper into the history of the group than anyone ever has before. We use tattoos and facial creams and a painter’s drop cloth.

Here’s what the critics have to say:

“It’s a fast paced musical exploitography.”

––––Fritz Melk, The Alpine Barker

“I loved it.”

––––Art Jimnet, The Nashville Reader

“I wanted to take my own clothes off.”

––––Dottie Nitts, The Ocean City Newz

Would you like to see an audition tape of this show? Please write and let me know. You’ll think it’s the Beatles - only naked.

Thank you,

Ted L. Nancy

The Nude Beatles

The Guthrie Theater is primarily used for its own presentations, however the theater is occasionally available for rent on Monday evenings throughout the theater season (May - February inclusive) and on other nights of the week during the off-season. The Theater is only available for rental for a public, paid-admission performance to other non-profit organizations, however it is available to for profit companies for private functions.

Rental Fee:

The fee for rental of The Guthrie Theater is $2000 per performance, and this rental fee generally includes the following facilities and services:

Air conditioning (or heating), lighting of public areas, clean-up of the public areas before and after performance, use of the stage auditorium, lobbies, foyers, cloak rooms, public washrooms and pay telephones.

Existing stage lighting which is defined as a general stage wash of a neutral quality is included in the rental. Any additional lighting, such as “specials”, special area lighting, or additional color washes requires rental of the lighting system.

The Guthrie’s sound system is included in the rental only in the event the sound requirements do not include more than the placement of a single microphone or the use of the system for a “stop and start” taped background or musical accompaniment. If additional sound is required, the renter may wish to rent The Guthrie system or choose to rent a commercial system.

Additional Charges:

The renter is required to pay additional amounts for all services and facilities not specifically included in the basic charge set forth above. The rates for the additional services and facilities are as follows:

A. Rehearsals

Rate for use of space for rehearsals on the mainstage is: $250 per four hour period, subject to availability.

Dear Medical Records Dept.:

I was admitted to your hospital March 18, 1996 with a severe case of Beatlemania. I was in the full grip of Beatlemania. I had chills, day swells, and night twinge. I am a 57 year old white male, 228 pounds, 5′6″. (Bed wetter). I also may have had a cyst under my armpit. I need my medical records.

When I was brought in I had a cardboard sign around my neck that said “I Luv George” that was taken from me and I haven’t seen it since. The back of it says: “Levitz Furniture. Ottoman Closeout.” Over 100 Q-Tips were used on me. (Many in my ear). My eyes were puffy, my underpants were on backwards, and I was wearing a man’s shorty stretch wig. (Moptop).

I was brought in at 2 a:m in an advanced state of Beatlemania, possibly a relapse produced by the latest “Anthology” release. I was given a hot potato enema. (I think. Something was going on down there).

I need my medical records. Please write and tell me how I may proceed in getting these records. I have been in the throes of Beatlemania twice before (once undiagnosed) but I am okay now. Thanks for your help.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

“I Luv Paul”

MERCY HOSPITAL
3663 SOUTH MIAMI AVE
MIAMI FL 33133
305-285-2111

10/09/96

Re: NANCY, TED - Med Rec# 000000

Dear Sir or Madam:

We are in receipt of your request dated ________________ for copies of the above listed patient’s medical records.

Following a thorough search or our files we are unable to locate any records on this patient, therefore, we request that you provide us with additional information which would assist us in identifying the patient.

Please complete the information below, if available (PLEASE PRINT):

- Name used at the time of treatment: ______________________________________

(NEWBORNS, please provide mother’s name and sex of infant.)

- Date of Treatment: ____________________________________________________

- Date of Birth: _________________________________________________________

- Social Security Number: ________________________________________________

- Address: ______________________________________________________________

- Physician’s Name: ________________________________________________________

Please return this form to our attention. If we do not receive this form with the additional information within 30 days from the date of this letter we will consider your request canceled.

Sincerely,

Release of Information Desk

Health Information Management Department