More Letters From a Nut (12 page)

Dear City Events Office,

I understand the City of Bradenton will be sponsoring NUDE BALLOON RACES this coming March 28th. What an event! I understand there will be over 11,000 nude people converging on your beautiful city racing each other with balloons tied to them. I can’t wait!

Where can I sign up? I have long admired nude balloon races and now I want to be a part of it. I have been involved in other nude events. I was a nude traffic school instructor for the city of Zarnsboro for 2 years.

I want to make one thing clear: This is not
nude hot air ballooning
where many naked people go up in a balloon. This is nude people with balloons attached to them running down the street.

Let me know where, when, and what about me? Thank you. I look forward to coming to your wonderful city and taking my clothes off. Please write back with info on how I can do this. I need lodging and food info. I look forward to hearing from you. Also, will I need a sweater then? Is it cool?

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

Dear Mr. Nancy,

I received your letter of February 25
^th
, 1997 regarding Nude Balloon Races in our City on March 28
^th
, 1997.

To my knowledge there is no such event planned. The City has not received any application or requests for permits and I doubt very seriously the City Council would even approve it if the application was submitted.

However, thank you for your interest in our fine City, we have much to offer in other areas.

Sincerely,

Carl Callahan

City Clerk & Treasurer

Dear Mr. Callahan,

Thank very much for writing me back regarding the City Of Bradenton’s Nude Balloon Races. I am sorry to say I have been misinformed. These are not
nude BALLOON
races. These are
NUDE BABOON
races. I understand Bradenton will sponsor this for January 28th, 1998.

Let me make one thing clear: These are not nude baboons racing down the street. These are nude people with balloons attached to them racing alongside baboons. There will be 11,000 nude
baboons
racing down your streets. (And nude people)

Please send me information on: hotel, car rentals, baboon washes, vaccines, clip-ons. It’s nice that Bradenton thinks enough of its citizens and guests to put on this much needed event. I commend you! The one in France was a bust, so I hope this one goes smoothly. Nude loose baboons can be dangerous. (Especially when baboons AND people are nude). I have seen a biting incident. That person was cited!

Thank you for answering my letter with city info.

Once again, I look forward to coming to Bradenton and taking off my clothes.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

Dear Ticket Dept.,

I want to come and see the San Diego Padres play in September. I love the Padres! Go San Diego!

Because of my condition, I must walk with a portable shower over my head. My entire head area is kept in a vinyl enclosure with a shower constantly going on me. The top of my head must be kept wet at all times!

While the top of my head needs to be soaked, my face and neck are dry. They are kept dry with a portable dryer I have attached to my collarbone. This dryer is similar to the one in a men’s room. While water drips on my face, a scoop under my neck drains the water and it filters through my pants. The vinyl enclosure is similar to a shower curtain. I can see the game this way.

Will this interfere with others? There is no wetness outside my plastic casing. Thus, no one else will get sprinkled. Only the top of my head will be drenched from my shower. I am sorry, but this is because of my medical condition.

Please write and let me know if the portable shower over my head will be okay for me to wear into the stadium. I may have to buy the seat in back of me also. I need to know how much room between rows. Thank you for your prompt reply as I MUST get my tickets soon.

Respectfully,

Ted L. Nancy

Portable Shower Wearer #121