More Letters From a Nut (7 page)

Dear Business Registrations Dept:

I wish to get a Business Registration to open my HUNGRY MOSQUITO restaurants in your city. The Hungry Mosquito is a family dining restaurant specializing in fried chum.

Our logo is a 10 foot high sign of a human forearm with a mosquito biting it. (There will be some blood).

There will be 1,032 restaurants in Las Cruces all opening on the same day. (Four in the mall). At its height there will be 52,000 people in mosquito outfits walking the streets, riding the buses, dating your women. The outfit is: A mosquito body with spindly legs, big eyes, a stinger.

Please tell me how I get a permit to operate my 1,032 HUNGRY MOSQUITO restaurants in Las Cruces? I have always admired the way you feed people in your city. I believe you have a Shoneys there.

Thank you very much in writing me with information on permits. And please, stop by for a complimentary dish of chum in any of the 1,032 Hungry Mosquito restaurants - Las Cruces’ place for bucket fish.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

Dear Mr. Nancy:

Thank you for your inquiry on obtaining 1,032 Hungry Mosquito Restaurants in Las Cruces. I have discussed your proposal with the appropriate staff, and I believe there may be some problems which you have not anticipated.

1.
Sign
: Your human forearm with a mosquito biting it can be permitted for the appropriate fee and if all setbacks and traffic applications are met. However, we cannot approve the use of blood unless it has been previously approved in writing by the Board of Directors of the Environmental Improvement Division, the Regional Headquarters of the American Red Cross, and our internal Risk Management Department Director (to ensure no contamination could possibly occur to restaurant-goers). We would seriously encourage you to utilize a recycled paint, provided it does not violate the lead content or our Household Hazardous Wastes Ordinance. You will have to obtain the approval of the Director of the State Environmental Improvement Division, and the Federal Environmental Department, and our Director of Utilities Division (to ensure no contamination could possibly occur to our groundwater strata or the nearby Rio Grande River). Depending upon the analysis of the material utilized, it may also be necessary for you to obtain permission from the International Boundary Water Commission, the Texas Department of Water Ways, and the Mexican Government (to ensure no contamination could possibly occur to residents downstream of the river).

PO DRAWER CLC
LAS CRUCES, NEW MEXICO 88004
(505) 526-0000

AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER
Recycled Paper

2.
Mosquito Outfits
: You will be required to obtain the appropriate approvals from the United States Wearing Apparel Unions and the United Workers of America to utilize the proposed mosquito outfits. Under no circumstances may the City of Las Cruces Business Registrations Department grant you permission to copy, imitate or suggest an imitation of any previously patented or copyrighted design. Additionally, because of our intense sun during the summer months, you will be required to obtain permission from the Environmental Department for the textiles utilized in the fabrication of the outfit to ensure there is no potential for temperature extremes through the fabric to the wearer. Our internal Risk Manager has also indicated that he will require individually signed waivers from all persons wearing these outfits, along with affidavits from their personal physicians that there is no potential for health related problems due to the sun damage to materials in this environment.

One related problem that may arise concerning the outfits is the utilization of our transit system. Riders of the system are required to ensure that they have no luggage, baggage or other materials that might restrict or hinder the free passage of the bus aisle by other riders. Any individual wearing a mosquito outfit that allows the spindly legs or stinger to violate this rule will be immediately evicted from the bus, despite the present location of the bus. This could pose a safety problem to other pedestrians or drivers utilizing the roadways during heavy vehicular traffic times at overpasses and busy intersections. Therefore, all riders in mosquito outfits will be required to remove their outfits prior to boarding the bus. Please note, we do have anti-nudity laws in Las Cruces, and the Police Department has been advised to watch for individuals stripping from mosquito outfits and then boarding the transit buses to ensure all necessary portions of the body are appropriately covered during the process.

Another problem that could possibly occur because of the proposed outfits is your mention of people in mosquito outfits dating our women. We understand that California does have other standards from