More Letters From a Nut (14 page)

Dear Mr. Nancy:

Thank you for writing to Fruit of the Loom and BVD regarding our men’s underwear. We are responding because we own both brands.

We were sorry to hear of the problem you have with the leg openings of the briefs and apologize for your inconvenience. We haven’t had any similar complaints and without seeing the garments in question, we are unable to offer an explanation for your experience.

If you will send the briefs to us, we will have our quality control department evaluate the problem and follow-up with the factory. Of course, we will be happy to replace or refund your money for them as well with postage costs included either way (Parcel Post with minimum insurance or UPS).

We appreciate your cooperation, Mr. Nancy, and the time you took to write to us.

Sincerely,

Lynn Carter

Consumer Services

LC:lc

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P.S. By the way, BVD stands for Bradley, Voorhees and Day. These are the last names of the three men who founded the company.

One Fruit of the Loom Drive
PO Box 90015
Bowling Green, KY 42102-9015    502-781-6400

Dear City Office,

I am moving to Omaha soon and I am very concerned about your traffic light system. I have heard that in early 1997 you will change to the following traffic light system:

Red - Go

Green - Stop Suddenly

Yellow - Race Through Light

Plaid - Check Things Out, Then Proceed Accordingly

Why? I’m okay with everything but “Plaid.” I think a plaid light will be confusing for myself who has night vision only. I did not receive my driver’s license until I was forty seven and a half.

Also, do you think that there will be some accidents with the change of green and red to now red meaning go? I think so. Especially for travelers who are not acquainted with your new rules.

Please write me back and tell me I am not making a mistake moving to Omaha. It is a great city and I want to be there. Even with your crazy lights.

Thanks,

Ted L. Nancy

Dear Mr. Nancy:

This letter is in regard to your September 5th letter concerning the traffic signal system in the City of Omaha.

The City of Omaha does not have any plans to change the traffic signal system as described in your September 5th letter. Our traffic signal system will stay as it currently exists with green meaning go and red meaning stop.

As a native Omahan, I would like to welcome you to the City of Omaha. I think you will find it is a great City and you will enjoy living here. After you are in Omaha, if you have any questions in regard to traffic, please feel free to contact me.

Sincerely,

Charlie Krajicek, P.E.

Traffic Engineer

c: Laurie Adams, Mayor’s Office

jo: document 4

Dear Appointments:

I have intensive heel pain. It is so bad that I am ready to slice my heel off and replace it with my elbow. I only need one elbow. I just can’t do with this heel pain anymore.

Sometimes I throw myself on the floor and roll around in agony. It is worse than an LSD trip. (I’ve taken none, but I’ve seen several).

Can you help me?

No other part of my body has pain. Only my heel. It is so bad that I’m blinded by the pain. I have stood on the street and pointed to my heel with tears running down my face. Yet no one has stopped.

Please write and tell me what I have to do to schedule an appointment with you. You are highly recommended by another person I know who had worse heel pain than I have. He said you cleared him up in one visit and now he can use his heel.

Also, do you work on parrots? He is hopping. Is it possible I caught it from him? Thank you for writing with appointment information. I am ready to bring my heel in.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy