More Letters From a Nut (17 page)

Dear Bulk Sales Dept.,

I am interested in bulk sales of your book, “PARTY MIDGET.” The book about a midget who likes to party, if you know what I mean.

I would like to buy 215 books for our TALL CLUB. This is a group of men who have a club because they are tall. Everyone wants to read this book. It has been discussed.

Several members have recently acquired a midget fetish and are thinking about leaving our club. Naturally, you can understand our concern. We would like to read “Party Midget” to see if there is anything to this fetish. Perhaps we may become the TALL AND SMALL CLUB. Maybe, but I am reminded of the painful fable “THE LABRADOR AND THE CHIHUAHUA.” Also, do you have that book? We need 191 copies of that.

Please send all correspondence to: Me. I anxiously await “Party Midget” and “The Labrador And The Chihuahua.”

Or, if you can recommend a book for our club we would be more than interested. I was told that your company publishes this book and other interesting books. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

March 26, 1997

Dear Ted L. Nancy,

Thankyou for your amusing letter!! Unfortunately we do not publish the book “Party Midget,” nor “The Labrador and the Chihuahua,” at ECW. Good luck in finding out who does!

Yours sincerely

Nicola Winstanley

Associate Editor

Dear Bureau of Engraving and Printing,

I have just found out that you will be removing Abraham Lincoln’s face from the five dollar bill and will be showing a picture of him from the waist down. Why?

I see no need to show his legs, knees and possibly feet not to mention his waist area. I think this could be obscene and vulgar if not done tastefully.

Plus, it could be any president. Only a person with knowledge of Lincoln’s waist would know. And how many of them are left?

I know Lincoln was a tall man and there was plenty of him to go around but why the need to show his midsection on the five dollar bill? We don’t even see his neck now. Why not just add the neck?

Please let me know that my fears are unfounded and this is not true. That you WILL NOT be showing Lincoln’s waist on the five dollar bill. Thank you for getting back to me on this pressing matter.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

DEPARTMENT OF THE TREASURY
B
UREAU OF
E
NGRAVING AND
P
RINTING
W
ASHINGTON. D.C.
20228

AUG 12 1996

Mr. Ted L. Nancy

560 No. Moorpark Road, #236

Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Dear Mr. Nancy:

This is in response to your August 1, 1996, letter concerning rumors you’ve heard that Abraham Lincoln’s face would be removed from the $5 note when it is redesigned.

What you’ve heard is absolutely false. There is no such plan and this agency prints all U.S. paper currency.

Sincerely,

Claudia W. Dickens
Public Affairs Specialist