More Letters From a Nut (32 page)

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Authors: Ted L. Nancy

Tags: #Humor, #Form, #Essays

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Full text of the above letter to follow.

U.S. Department of Justice

Federal Bureau of Prisons

Federal Correctional Institution

Danbury, CT 06810

January 6, 1997

Mr. Ted Nancy

560 N. Moorpark Road

#236

Thousand Oaks, CA. 91360

Dear Mr. Nancy,

Received your letter requesting to perform a Free Show at Danbury Federal Correctional Institution, Danbury, Connecticut.

We are interested in having your group perform for our female population.

Please contact Robert Porcaro, Recreation Supervisor at 203- 743-6471

Extension 490. Please provide your telephone too.

Robert Porcaro, Recreation Supervisor

Full text of the above letter to follow.

560 N
O
. M
OORPARK
R
OAD
                            236
                                       T
HOUSAND
O
AKS
, CA 91360

Customer Service Dept.

HYUNDAI CARS

10550 Talbert Ave.

Fountain Valley, CA 92728

Oct 25, 1996

Dear Hyundai,

I have just been told of a FOLDING CAR that you make. This is a standard size Hyundai that folds up and fits in your pocket when not in use.

What a great idea! Is it heavy? I want two!

Thank you for years of possibly the best car, van, and mail truck out there. Everyone should drive a Hyundai. I own nothing else.

When will this folding Hyundai be out? My dealer knows nothing of it but we did go out and examine a car to see if we could fold it up. We got the front end up and tried to bend it but that’s about it.

Please write with a picture of your new car. I will put it up on my cork board and buy one when I get my next check. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

Full text of the above letter to follow.

Hyundai Motor America
10550 Talbert Avenue
P O Box 20850
Fountain Valley, CA 92728-0850
Telephone 714 965-3000

November 18, 1996

Ted Nancy

560 N Moorpark Road #236

Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

RE: File # 347712

Dear Mr. Nancy:

Hyundai Motor America regrets to inform you that we do not manufacture a folding car that fits in your pocket when not in use. Although this sounds like a novel concept, HMA has not yet developed the technology to make such a practical vehicle.

We do appreciate your avid interest in our developing technology and hope you enjoy this small gift as a sign of our appreciation.

If you should have furthur questions, please feel free to call our 800#.

Sincerely,

E. Aquino

National Consumer Affairs

(800) 633-5151

Full text of the above letter to follow.

560 No. Moorpark Rd. #236

Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Apr 15, 1997

Building Permits

CITY OF BROKEN ARROW

City Hall

220 South 1st St.

Broken Arrow, OK 74012

Dear Building Permits:

I am writing to secure a permit to build my restaurant: “THE RIDICULOUS BELLY.” The entire restaurant will be shaped like a large man’s stomach.

I am the former owner of Imbeciles, fine Italian dining. It’s part of a chain. This is Northern Italian fare including squid braccckkk.

Prior to that I owned Morons, home cooked Irish food. Our specialty here was boiled potatoes, deep fried cabbage blart, and rum strips. I also managed the Captain’s Belch, seafood fare. We specialized in fish ticks. Also, for 1 year I was day manager of Putz’s Deli. This was next door to a sewage treatment plant. We lasted only 3 months.

In addition, I
may
open Dolt’s ice cream shop with my partner Letis Dullard. He will sign ALL papers.

Please tell me what permits I need to start building “THE RIDICULOUS BELLY” - Broken Arrow’s premier dining spot for scrod in a cup. If I have not reached the correct department, could you please tell me who I write to?

Thank you,

Ted L. Nancy

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