More Letters From a Nut (33 page)

April 29, 1997

Dear Mr. Nancy.

Building permits forms may be obtained from the Building Permit Department, Room 106. Permits may be issued after considerable review of all necessary forms, one at a time of course.

I am unable to begin processing your request at the present as I’m not sure if you meant your restaurant called “The Ridiculous Belly” would resemble the stomach of a large man or a large stomach on a small man. Please clarify this when you submit for a permit. A photograph showing the type of building you wish to construct would be of assistance.

If you are considering the possibility of other fine dining, I feel that Broken Arrow would very likely reject quite soundly an Italian restaurant that served squid braccckkk. But, I do think that Broken Arrow would welcome with smiles and open windows an Irish food establishment offering a menu which you describe as boiled potatoes, deep fried cabbage blart and rum strips. A Captain Belch’s Seafood fare franchise, with somewhat fresh stock available, would be another fine establishment for this area.

I am somewhat puzzled by the problem you experienced with the site you chose to locate Putz’s Deli, but if you would like to try it again there is a location available in South Broken Arrow.

Broken Arrow already has a very fine line of ice cream available still frozen, but please assure your partner, Letis Dullard, that Broken Arrow will do everything possible to provide multiple copies of all paperwork for an original signature.

Please be assured that not all roads lead to Broken Arrow, only the most traveled ones.

If we may be of further assistance, please contact the City Planner.

Sincerely,

Allen Stanton

Chief Building Inspector

Dear Mr. Dick Butkus,

You are one mean guy. I’ll bet with your name, you really got in a lot of fights as a kid. But look what happened. You are the toughest guy to ever play football. My last name is Nancy, so I’m a pretty tough guy too.

As a young man, a friend of mine catered several Chicago Bears affairs, and once let me help serve the food so I could meet some of the players. He’s retired now, so I can talk about it.

Anyway, I saved the spatula that I served you mashed potatoes with, and would love to have you sign it.

Could you please sign it: “To Ted, Dick Butkus.”

I thank you for your time, and eagerly await my personally autographed spatula.

A Fan,

Ted L. Nancy

Dear Room Reservations:

Because of my condition I am completely painted orange. I have 2 coats of Sherwin Williams orange paint on me at all times. (Only Sherwin Williams - less gloss). I cannot be around dogs for more than an hour as they sniff me. (Bees are dangerous too).

I need a room for the evening of Mar 20, 1997. I believe that’s a Thursday.

Is it possible to get soup as soon as I check in? I would like sweet and sour cabbage soup the minute I arrive.

Please let me know if the March 20th date is good and how much the rate is? Your best room, please. I am a traveler. Thank you. And once again, I am painted orange. (Only Sherwin Williams).

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

Dear Mr. Nancy:

At this time the rate for one person on March 20, 1997 is $165.00 plus 13% tax. Guest who check in after 4:00 p.m. must guarantee reservation with a credit card prior to 4:00 p.m. on the date of arrival.

Please be advised that this hotel doesn’t permit guest to bring pets with them.

Your request for sweet and sour cabbage soup can be arranged once you have finalized your travel arrangements.

It is important that you make your reservation as soon as possible, since the rate that was quoted is subject to availability. You can call this hotel direct at (215)238-6000 or (888)345-7333 to make a reservation.

Sincerely,

Arnold W. Carrington

Reservations/Sales Agent

ONE DOCK STREET PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA 19106-3996
PHONE (215)238-6000 FAX (215)922-2709
THE SHERATON SOCIETY HILL IS OWNED BY ROUSE & ASSOCIATION • SHS, A LIMITED PARTNERSHIP MANAGED BY THE SHERATON OPERATING CORPORATION AS ITS AGENT UNDER MANAGEMENT AGREEMENT