More Letters From a Nut (34 page)

Dear Turkey Tourist Information Office:

I am very much interested in camel wrestling. I have seen it on cable. (TBS). That was something! Now I have my own camel who I believe can beat any camel in wrestling. My camel’s name is Andrew and he is a very good wrestler. He has already beaten a horse. He wears trunks and a cape.

Hey, are the appetizers good in Turkey? I like fried glot.

Please tell me when is the best time to come to Turkey and watch camel wrestling? I would like to travel with Andrew but I will come alone if my camel can not get a good rate from the airlines. The bus company lets him travel as a senior. He looks out the window. I have disguised him as a hairy older woman named Margaret.

I look forward to receiving information from you regarding camel wrestling. How much? Where? When? Why? All humps used? And any camel souvenirs: cups, t shirts, shorts liners. Thank you, very much.

Also, could you please tell me what airlines travels to Turkey from the USA? Thank you.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

Dear Ted Nancy,

We’re glad to have received your interesting letter and take the pleasure in giving you some information about the points you mentioned in your letter.

Camel Wrestling Festival takes places in the first week of January in Selçuk-Izmir. Also in another places in the area you can find till end of February Camel Wrestling organization but they are not regular in same dates. We beileve that all the camels attending this festival would be so glad to meet Andrew. This meeting would do great for the friendship between two countries as another sports festival would.

We searched the ways bring Andrew here. None of the airlines can accept Andrew. Yo should look for the ways of bringing Andrew by a ship. You’ll probably have to disguise him again as a “hairy older woman named Margaret”.

We enclose a brochure about camel wrestling, which might give you an idea. Expressing our best regards, we wish you and your camel a nice holiday in Turkey.

Sincerely yours

Hülya UYGUN

Directress i.A.

Dear Customer Service Department:

I was referred to your company for a few special order items that I need.

Can you make a 59 inch bra? I have large breasts and was told that you can make a special bra for me. It’s a 59 A cup. Very narrow but still desirable to many. I was told you could manufacture this bra out of moccasin material. Is this true?

Also, do you manufacture the Wonder Veil as I have heard?

I know you are a shoe and moccasin company and make straw footwear and waterproof boots but I was referred to you because they said you make special order brassieres.

I also need 50 pairs of straw waterproof moccasin boots for a party I am giving. Who can I speak to about these straw moccasin boots? I think the moccasin has always been the most desirable of shoes. This party will prove it. I would prefer to have my footwear and brassiere done by the same company.

Please write and tell me the cost and how soon my order can be ready for these straw shoes and the big bra. Thank you for your time. The Acme Boot Company is the best! I will tell people that.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

Ted Nancy,

We appreciate your interest in our company, however we only manufacture boots. We are unable to grant your request.

Again, we appreciate your interest.

Sincerely,

Customer Service

Acme Boot Company