More Letters From a Nut (41 page)

560 N
ORTH
M
OORPARK
R
OAD
236
T
HOUSAND
O
AKS
, C
ALIFORNIA
91360

Dear Reservations,

I am interested in a suite at your hotel for one week, Nov 14-20, 1996. Naturally, I want the finest as I am an international something or other.

While at your hotel, I will be greeting my business visitors dressed as a bladder. This is a rubber costume that looks like the human bladder. It is bloated and and veiny. It is beige in color with the red veins running through it. It looks EXACTLY like a bladder. You cannot tell the difference between the real bladder and my costume.

I may have to walk through the lobby in this outfit as it is part of my business presentation. I need to know that the security guard will not stop me and say, “Hey, you can’t walk through here looking like a bladder!” I will have to explain to him that this is my business costume and I have permission to walk through your lobby dressed like a bladder. Then he will let me through so I can hail a cab.

It is for my medical expo presentation. Do you have a suite for the week, Nov 14-20? I look forward to hearing from you and getting clearance for my bladder outfit. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

Ref: TOC/kt

9
^th
October 1996

Thank you for your facsimile which was addressed to our Reservations Department.

I regret to advise that whilst your proposal is very novel, we do not really feel that it would be appropriate given the restriction we place on dress within the hotel. I am sure you will understand that having requested our guests wear jackets and ties and not to wear jeans and training shoes, if we were to allow a costume to be worn we would be severely criticised.

Thank you, however, for having considered The Ritz.

Yours sincerely

Tom O’Connell

General Manager

The Ritz, London
150 Piccadilly, London W1V 9DG
Telephone (0171) 493 8181 Facsimile (0171) 493 2687
The Ritz Hotel (London) Ltd Registered in England No 64203C VAT Registration No 420 4790 73

560 North Moorpark Road
#236
Thousand Oaks, California 91360 USA

Dear Mr. O’Connell,

Thank you for answering my letter regarding accomodations for myself in my bladder outfit. I still need a suite for 1 week as my conference has been rescheduled for May 2-7, 1997.

And thank you for explaining to me that a man dressed as a bladder would be out of place in your luxury hotel. Oh my goodness, I had no idea you thought I would come to your fine hotel dressed just as a bladder. Of course, I realize that you have a dress code there. I will wear a tie, starched shirt, and hard shoes over my bladder clothing. In essence, I will be dressed as a formal bladder. I am sure that this will be acceptable. (I am hoping). I have worn this clothing in front of the president before. (At a mattress shop opening at the airport).

I will leave substantial gratuities in this outfit and I will behave in a dignified manner. My outfit will NOT cause a disturbance once the guests have seen me a few time relaxing in the lobby and conducting business in this stretch rubber organ suit. They will not even notice me anymore. Oh sure a few will say, “Who is that man dressed like a bladder relaxing for hours in the lobby?” “Oh, him? He’s there a lot.”

So, can you tell me if you have a suite available for the week of May 2-7, 1997? And can I get a corporate rate? This is a conference. Thank you. I look forward to your reply.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

Ref: GRCS/kt

2
^nd
April 1997

Thank you for your letter of 27
^th
March which was addressed to Mr O’Connell regarding the availability of a suite for 2
^nd
-7
^th
May 1997. Mr O’Connell left The Ritz in November last year to return to Ireland and I am therefore answering on his behalf.

I am afraid that we are not able to help you on this occasion. The week of 2
^nd
-7
^th
May is extremely busy and we have no suites available at that time.

Giles Shepard
Managing Director

The Ritz, London
150 Piccadilly, London W1V 9DG
Telephone (0171) 493 8181 Facsimile (0171) 493 2687
The Ritz Hold (London) Ltd. Registered in England No 64203C VAT Registration No 420 4790 73