More Letters From a Nut (16 page)

Dear Merit Antique Reservations:

I want very much to come to Turkey and stay at your beautiful hotel for 7 nights, Dec 14-20, 1996. I understand you can see the Bosporus from your room. I also understand there’s a small stream stocked with goldfish running through your lobby. I have the same thing in my kitchenette. Do you have shoe horns? My shoes are hard to get on.

JHere (Sometimes I spell ‘Here’ with a J in front of it; I don’t know why) is my predicament:

I take 9 showers a day. I wake up and take a shower immediately, then eat my breakfast then take another shower. Then I get dressed and go out. Before I go out I shower again. Once I am out for an hour, I return and take another shower. After my lunch I take a light shower then I take my nap and take a real long hot shower. I DO NOT shower before dinner. (No time). Before going to bed I take 3 good, hot, soothing, then cold short, crisp showers in succession.

I would like maid service after each time I take a shower. That is a complete bathroom cleaning with tiny soaps, small shampoos, a shoe horn, and fresh towels. Can this be arranged? I know it is a lot to ask for but I MUST take these showers, I MUST be clean. Friends say this about your hotel: The best place to take a shower is jhere.” Is that true?

Please let me know if you have a suite available for Dec 14-20?

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

ISTANBUL 21.11.1996

SUBJECT: RESERVATION REQUEST

Dear Mr NANCY,

Thank you for your letter and kind interest shown to Merit Antique Hotel Istanbul.

We can not confirmed your reservation from 14.12.96 to 20.12. 96 Because our hotel is fully booked on this dates.

We do not have Bosporus view, our Hotel is in the old city and we can not give said service for your predicament.

Looking forward to welcoming you to HOTEL MERIT ANTIQUE on your visit to the city of minarets.

Kindest regards,

TULAY SALIHOGLU

Dear Personnel Dept.:

I was voted Mr. Petite USA in 1983. Can this help me get a job?

I am 5′1″ and weigh 108 pounds. I am a tiny man. I wear loose clothing to appear larger. From a distance I can look 5′2″ and 112 pounds. Some people have even said that (on occasion) I look like I’m 5′3″ 114 pounds but I WILL NOT LIE!!!

Where do I apply for a position in the government sector?

Does the federal government need somebody that was voted Mr. Petite USA? I am very tiny. I am otherwise a very normal man. I have some of my hair and a sturdy frame. It’s just that I am considered petite. (Thus the award).

Please write me with info about a petite opening in the federal government in the state of Virginia. Thanks.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

Dear Mr. Nancy:

I have received your request for information on employment. My response is limited to consideration for with the City of Norfolk.

In order to be considered for employment you submit a City of Norfolk employment application for those positions in which you are interested. We post all of our current vacancies via telephone (804-664-4010, code 353) and computer bulletin board (604-664-4466). I have taken the liberty of enclosing three such applications.

Thank you for your inquiry. Should you have additional questions concerning employment with the City of Norfolk, please contact me at (804)664-4461.

Kindest regards,

Eddie P. Antoine, II

Human Resources Manager

100 City Hall Building • Norfolk, Virginia 23501