More Than I Wanted (19 page)

“Obligated?”
He laughed, “I wouldn’t have asked if I wasn’t
sure.”

I
couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face. “Good! I’m
glad you didn’t change your mind. It’s just, if it was in
the heat of the moment, and you didn’t mean it…”

“Shhh,”
he put his finger to my lips, “of course I meant it.”

His
fingers found all of my favorite places, and as he moved them over my
skin and pressed them inside, I’d gasp and get lost in the
sensations all over again. I’d never felt so in tune with
another person. Our bodies worked together beautifully, and it’s
like we could sense what the other wanted or needing without saying a
word. My hips arched up when the waves rushed through me, and once
again I was worn from the activities. My energy had been pulled from
me momentarily, and feeling sleeping I curled into Austin, thanking
him for pleasuring me again.

Austin
was my heart and soul, and lying beside him I realized that he was
more than I ever wanted. He made me feel complete, special, and
loved. How we ended up here together was beyond me, he seemed so out
of my league. He was handsome, smart, and funny. When Austin walked
into a room, all the women turned and looked at him. He had charisma
and presence, and he was above all in love with me, simply amazing.

“Do
you want to go over and meet Amber?” I asked, knowing he hadn’t
seen Heather and Scott’s daughter yet. I was so excited for him
to meet her. He’d only seen pictures of our friend’s
child at this point, and she was so much sweeter in person.

“Can
we wait on that? There will be plenty of time. To be honest, I just
want to see you right now; I’m not really ready to see everyone
else.”

“Of
course, I just didn’t want to hog all your time.”

“Take
it all,” he said, pulling me close. “Truth be told, I
just don’t feel very social yet. It takes a little time. I only
want to be with you. Is that a problem?”

“You’ll
get no complaints from me,” I grinned. “I stocked up on
snacks, beer, water, whatever you should need, and we can always
order pizza. We could stay cocooned in here for a solid week for all
I care.”

“That
sounds great,” he said nuzzling into my neck.

We
spend the entire day in bed, only getting up long enough to grab
pretzels and beer.

The
following morning, he wanted to take me around to the jewelry store
to pick out a ring. It felt funny going with him, but I was secretly
glad I got some say. I’m not a fan of square cut diamonds, so I
could sway him towards a round, princess cut.

After
looking at rings, we settled on a diamond solitaire with a platinum
band. It would have to be sized, so he would come back to pick it up
in a few days. It was gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous. It seemed
surreal to be ring shopping with Austin. I couldn’t believe
this was actually happening. It was a lot to take in. I still hadn’t
told my parents he’d proposed. I’d call them after he
left.

As
we walked back out to the car hand in hand, an old truck a few car
lengths away backfired, and with one quick move he shoved me down,
shielding me. Austin was over me as I hit the pavement, covering my
body. Holy cow, what was that?

“Are
you okay?” His heart was racing, his breathing hard, and he was
awash in panic. Suddenly he realized where we were. I couldn’t
tell if he was upset or embarrassed, but the reality that it happened
was in the air between us. While it happened fast, the seconds after
felt like slow motion.

I
was stunned, lying under him on the pavement. I didn’t know
what to say or do. It hurt hitting the pavement that hard, but I
realized it was an automatic reaction for him. He didn’t do it
to hurt me, he did it to protect me…he threw his body over me
to save me. But save me from what… a car? His instinct was to
save me, I should be grateful – but I was more concerned by his
reaction.

“I’m
sorry,” he jumped up, helping me up. “I’m so
sorry,” he shoved his hands in his pockets. “Are you
okay?”

I
nodded, “Are you?” I was seriously concerned. I
completely understood he’d come from a war environment with
gunfire and explosions, but now that he was back, how long would he
be like this?

“Yeah,
I guess I’m still a little tense,” he admitted. “It
sounded like,” he shook his head, “never mind.”

“You’re
home now, hon. It’s safe here,” I squeezed his hand, and
together we got in the car. “Do you want to talk about it?
Maybe you could talk to Scott or Jake.”

“No,
there’s nothing to talk about,” he said, almost angry
that I asked.

I
was taken back by the quick change in personality, but wrote it off.
He’d been through a lot, and I needed to allow him the time to
heal. I didn’t say much on the drive home. It was weird to jump
from being so ecstatic over picking out a ring, to being on the
ground with him, realizing he thought shots were being fired, and
then driving in the car in near silence.

Nearing
our house and in the driveway, I tried to soften the mood, not
wanting to stay in this tense state all day. “The ring is
beautiful,” I started. “I can’t believe you asked
me to be your wife.”

“Do
you still want to be?” He asked, almost hurt, and embarrassed I
saw that.

“Why
would you ask that? Of course I do!” Okay, I couldn’t
avoid it, “Austin, what happened back there, I’m sure
it’s a natural reaction, it just took me by surprise.”

“I’d
rather not discuss it,” he said.

“Fair
enough, but I’m here if you change your mind,” I sighed.

Walking
into the house together, I put it behind me. It was one incident, and
after a year of combat, it made complete sense when I thought about
it.

We
decided to make it a clothing optional day and spent most of it naked
hanging around the house. Sex seemed to be the easy answer, and as
long as our bodies were moving, our mouths were busy, and we didn’t
have to talk about what happened earlier. He needed to deny it
happened, and I needed to forget. We had sex in the living room,
kitchen, and bedroom that day. I didn’t want it to end, but
knew he needed time to himself.

We
curled onto the sofa tangling our bodies together talking about
marriage, and what kind of time frame we were looking at. We decided
we’d wait at least six months, and that we wanted something
small and intimate, maybe a quiet ceremony at the beach with just a
few close friends and family. I was blissfully happy and relieved
he’d come home safely. Life was good, and would only get better
now that Austin was back.

As
the weekend came to a close, I was hesitant to let go. I knew he
needed some time alone, I just wanted to be with him every moment of
every day. I’d have my own schedule to return to anyway. With
work in the morning, it was back to life as I knew it – only
now Austin was back at home where he belonged.

His
active duty would soon be changing to inactive reserve, and with that
behind us I felt like we could finally move forward, knowing he
wouldn’t get called back for deployment. We discussed children
and where to live, our future, his desire to return to school, and
every tiny detail we could examine together thinking about our lives.

I
would be Mrs. Sharpe, and no longer Kate Tanner. And he would take a
wife. I wanted to be a better wife to him than Emily ever was, and
help him erase that memory completely. I tried not to compare myself,
but it’s easier said than done. I can’t pretend like she
didn’t exist, but I sure as hell can give him better memories.

Before
I dropped Austin back at his place, we stopped at the market so he
could pick up some supplies. I had to tear myself away, leaving him
alone, but knew he needed some time to himself.

I
called Heather when I got home, but she didn’t answer. She
finally texted me back later, telling me she’d taken a nap with
the baby. We went over every detail of my weekend, and then she said
she had news to share. Scott and she had found a way to make it work
if she went part-time. At first it would be tight, but by changing a
few things around, they’d be able to do it.

I
was happy for her, since I knew this was what she wanted, but sad for
me since it meant I wouldn’t see Heather every day at work. She
told me not to worry yet, because she had to find a part time job
before she could make the transition. She was going to talk to our
boss and see if it was an option at our work place, but wasn’t
expecting much since they didn’t hire part-timers. When it came
down to it I was happy for her, because she thrived being a mother
and wanted to spend as much time with AJ as possible. Who could blame
her, Amber Jo was growing so quickly!

I
couldn’t believe how much time had all ready passed, and what
was once our itty, bitty little love was now an infant on the move!
She’d gone passed crawling and pulling herself up on the edge
of the sofa or table, and we knew she’d be walking any day. How
had so much time gone by?

Austin
seemed a little on edge when I saw him, but nothing out of the
ordinary. I mean, we all have stress. It just seemed like little
things bothered him more, but I wrote it off. He seemed more reserved
in other small ways as well, and I think I kept making excuses for
him, not wanting to see what could very well be a reality. He might
be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

He
seemed almost depressed and despondent some days, but other days he’d
be fine. His sleeping schedule was off again, and while I’d
fall asleep, he’d restlessly toss and turn, finally getting up
in the middle of the night. His body was still adjusting to his new
schedule.

He
had trouble concentrating some days, and lacked the desire to
socialize. I hated to see him go through this, and just accepted it
would take time. I assumed in a few weeks, things would be back to
normal – after all I’d met him after his last tour of
duty, and he’d adjusted in that time frame before.

It
didn’t matter; I’d stand by his side and work through
this. I needed him to know he wasn’t alone, and that we were a
team.

He
didn’t want to talk to anybody about it, and even avoided
discussing things with Scott or Jake. It broke my heart that he was
suffering in silence, but it wasn’t my choice. I couldn’t
force him to do anything. I gently suggested he talk to somebody, but
he just wasn’t ready.

Things
seem to settle down for him after a couple of months had passed, and
it made me wonder how many families went through these things. I
couldn’t imagine the horrors of what he saw and lived through,
and tried to be patient and calm, letting him adjust. Only, just when
he’d seem to be doing better, he’d have a relapse and
turn inside of himself again, not wanting to socialize or talk about
things.

As
time wore on, he seemed to settle back into a pattern, and over time
we started planning the details of our wedding. We’d chosen a
semi-local beach, a simple ceremony with a handful of people, and we
both wanted to be dressed nicely but barefoot. We’d write our
own vows and start our lives together. Austin would move in with me,
and he’d let his apartment go. I had more space at my home, and
we hoped to eventually get a small house together.

I
wasn’t sure what I was going to wear at first. I had a picture
in my mind of what I wanted, but was having trouble finding something
that looked how I wanted. It was hit or miss, and finally after
almost giving up hope, I stumbled on the perfect option.

I
know so many little girls visualize their wedding gown, and want to
be princess perfect. They want to see a look of adoration in their
man’s eyes, one that says you made the perfect choice. I hoped
I’d make a decision that showed he was happy I was the one he’d
chosen. I longed for that look, knowing as he saw me in my wedding
dress for the first time, that there was nobody in the world he
wanted more as his wife. I know, it’s a silly illusion, a dress
can’t do all of that, but we always hope it will.

The
dress I found was a lovely antique white piece, almost offering a
champagne colored tint. It was strapless and tea length with tulle
beneath the skirt. The satin bustier portion of the dress fit me
perfectly, and there would be little to take in or let out. It wasn’t
traditional, but it was perfect and similar to what I was looking
for. Getting married barefoot in the sand, I didn’t want a gown
length wedding dress.

His
parents agreed to come willingly, but I wasn’t holding my
breath that his mom would behave. At this point, I just avoid her as
much as possible. Austin’s younger sister was there too, giving
me a chance to finally meet her. You’d think we’d have
made the effort beforehand, but Austin said he wasn’t super
close to her, since they were easily 8 years apart in age. He loved
her, but they didn’t share a lot in common, other than parents.

Maggie
looked a lot like her mother, but was a little warmer – only a
little. I wouldn’t say we’d be best friends, but at least
she didn’t bite my head off the moment I met her. I could see
that Austin adored his younger sister, and couldn’t wipe the
smile off his face when he saw her. I bet if they were closer in age,
they would have been great friends growing up together. I was glad
she was able to make it, it meant a lot to Austin.

While
Maggie was mostly polite, she did get a snarky comment in. She was
definitely her mother’s child. I cringed when she made the
comment that I was a lovely bride, but you should have seen Emily.
Now she was a gorgeous bride. I almost wondered if her mother put her
up to that. I could tell the women in Austin’s family were not
going to be my biggest fans. Were they protective of him, or was
there something about me? I just didn’t get it, and promised
myself to spend as little time with them over the years as possible.