More Than Miles (A Lost Kings MC Novel) (51 page)

I wasn’t jealous about Heidi visiting her friend.

Eight hours ago.

She texted me when she left school. Then again when she was leaving the hospital.

She spent an awful long time there

“Stop being an asshole,” I grumble to myself.

Alexa chortle-giggles and waves her fists. We’ve had a pretty good day together. She’s a good baby. Easy to care for. She sure as hell cheered Teller right the fuck up.

Another hour later and I’m ready to freak the fuck out that Heidi still isn’t back. It’s not jealousy this time, it’s worry.

I’m hanging with the baby in front of the clubhouse so that I’ll be sure to see Heidi as soon as she drives up.

Instead, Z joins me. “Pretty soon we’ll need to get you one of those kangaroo pouches so you can just carry her around.”

“Fuck off.”

He laughs like an idiot and Alexa laughs with him. “See, she thinks you’re a moron, too,” I say.

“You’re awfully bitchy today. What’s wrong?” he asks.

I give him a look to see if he really wants me to answer or if he’s still being a jerk. He’s busy tickling Alexa’s feet, so I answer honestly. “Worried about Heidi. She should have been home a few hours ago.”

“Shit. You call her?”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to keep blowing up her phone and distract her if she’s driving, you know?”

That’s when we hear the crunch of gravel under tires coming up the driveway. “That sounds like her.” I let out a relieved breath before the warring sensations of worry and jealousy stir up. By the time she parks and gets out, I’m not sure how I feel.

“Hey, Heidi-girl. Your man was startin’ to worry about you,” Z says, jerking a thumb in my direction.

This is the first time anyone’s acknowledged what is pretty obvious. “Asshole,” I growl under my breath. The fucker laughs at me. Heidi didn’t seem to hear him at all.

“What’s wrong, Heidi?”

Her gaze darts between Z and Alexa, ignoring me completely. “Hey, baby,” she says, holding out her arms. I hand Alexa over and watch her carefully for a minute.

“I’ll see you two at the party later?” I shake my head and Z makes a “call me” gesture then says goodbye to both of us.

When she raises her gaze to mine, her eyes are wet. “How was Lucas?” I ask, hating that I was jealous for even a second.

“Better. He looked much better than before.”

“That why you took so long?”
Why?
Why did I say that?

Her face hardens. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re jealous of my injured, bedridden friend?”

“No.”

She leans in and kisses my cheek. “Thanks for watching Alexa, Murphy. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Heidi, wait.”

“No.”

I watch her go, hating myself for picking a fight over nothing. We’re not actually together. But we’re as together as we’ve ever been. In my head she’s mine.

Fuck.

I’m so tied up in knots on the way home. Mad at myself for attempting to talk to my useless mother, like some pathetic, needy child. Mad at shutting Blake down when he was probably just worried about me. Just pissed at the world in general.

After spending those awful few minutes with my mother, I
needed
to feel my daughter in my arms. Couldn’t wait to get to her. I’m not a bad mother. I’m not. Nothing could ever make me abandon Alexa the way my mother abandoned me.

“Are you okay, Heidi?” Hope asks when I shut the door behind me.

“No.”

“What’s wrong?”

That’s when I burst into tears. Alexa mimics me and screams her head off. Hope hurries over, taking Alexa and wrapping her arm around my shoulder.

“Come here. What happened? Did you have a fight with Murphy?”

“No. Not really.”

Now that I have a chance to think about it, I’m surprised he didn’t follow me over here and demand an explanation. Maybe he’s finally had enough of my back and forth moodiness.

The thought makes me cry even harder.

Hope works hard to balance rocking Alexa so she stops crying and rubbing my back to calm me down.

“Tell me what happened, honey.”

“I…I went to school, to talk about re-enrolling for fall semester and things went great. Then, I started remembering all the different things Axel and I had done there, and I felt awful. How can I go on with my life and finish school when he’s just
gone
?”

“I wish you hadn’t gone alone. Do any other schools have that program?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are they bad memories?”

“No. Not really.”

“Well, you know he’d want you to finish school—”

“No.” I cut her off because this has also been bothering me. “I don’t know that. He gave me such a hard time about finishing. Every time I brought it up, he had an excuse.”

Her face screws into a scowl, but she still tries to defend Axel, which I love her for. “Maybe he was worried about Alexa. Daycare is so expensive—”

“Yeah. That’s what he said. But, shit Hope. Please don’t tell anyone this.”

“What, honey?”

“You know how he promised me we would only be in Alaska for one year?”

“Yes.”

“Right before he…died. The morning I drove him to work, he let me know he was considering a promotion that would take us to Indonesia. Either that or he wanted to sign up for another year in Alaska.”

“Oh. Oh, wow.”

“Yeah. We had just spent two weeks together. I was trying so hard to work on things, like you and I talked about, and it was rough at first but then got better. But he was lying to me the whole time. I must have mentioned how much I wanted to come home or finish school about a dozen times, and he never said a word.”

“Maybe he wasn’t sure.”

“I don’t know. He seemed pretty sure about it to me. He knew I’d be pissed. That’s why he waited until the last minute.”

“I’m so sorry, Heidi.”

“I knew after that we weren’t going to make it. How could we, when he didn’t even consult me on major stuff like that? Or try to discuss it with me?”

“I don’t know.”

“And I feel like shit for thinking all these things, because now he’s gone and Alexa will grow up without her father, and it’s all his fucking fault! I’m so mad at him, but I can’t be mad at him because he’s
dead
.” There. I finally said it.

A fresh wave of tears and frustration flows out of me, and Hope hugs me tighter. “It’s okay to have these feelings, Heidi. You have a right to them. What you can’t do is bottle them up and make yourself miserable.”

“That’s not the worst of it.”

“Oh, dear,” she mutters. “What else?”

I sit up straighter and throw myself against the back of the couch. Alexa’s watching me and I hold my arms out. Hope hands Alexa over and I cuddle her close before giving Hope the next part of my day. “I ran into my mother.”

“What? Oh my gosh. Where?”

“At the hospital. My friend Lucas just got transferred down here. She said her name and I took a chance. It was her.”

“Okay.”

I’m so embarrassed, I don’t know how to put the encounter into words. “I was so pathetic, Hope. I thought I got over this years ago. She abandoned me at my grandmother’s. Why did I think she’d give a shit now? Did I think she’d see me and immediately regret her mistakes and welcome me into her loving arms or something?”

“Oh, honey.” Hope’s voice breaks as she wraps me up in another hug. “She’s your mother. There’s nothing wrong with any of those feelings, either.”

“Yes, there is. I know better. It was so stupid. She didn’t care, Hope. I tried to tell her about Gram, about Marcel, about Alexa. She wasn’t interested in any of it.” I nuzzle my nose against Alexa’s head, inhaling her sweet baby scent. “Why’d I do that?” I mumble.

“Heidi, there’s still that little girl inside of you who misses her mom. That’s okay. It doesn’t make you stupid. It makes you human. Your mother’s the idiot. From the first time I met you, I thought your mother was a fool for not being involved in your life. You were such a sweet young lady.”

“Everyone thought I was a brat.”

“You were…spirited.”

Her delicate description makes me laugh.

“I think I understand now. You didn’t have it easy at your grandmother’s?”

“No. My mother had to know how abusive her mother was. Why’d she leave me there?”

“Maybe she didn’t treat your mom like that. Or maybe your mother thought she wouldn’t hurt you, Heidi. I don’t know.”

“Maybe she didn’t care. Maybe she thought I deserved it.”

“Oh, Heidi. No child deserves to be hurt or feel unloved.” She pauses and flicks her gaze across the room before asking her next question. “Why didn’t you ever say anything during the custody dispute?”

“I was afraid. It wasn’t as bad by that point. I mean, if she started in, I was old enough to take off. And I didn’t say anything after she died because I didn’t want Marcel to feel bad.”

She seems to think that over and in hindsight, I wish I’d told someone. Anyone.

“How did you leave it with your mother?”

“I don’t know. She gave me a hug and said it was nice to see me. Like we were old classmates or something instead of mother and daughter.”

“I’m sorry.”

I glance down at Alexa, who’s busy tugging on strands of my hair. “I could never just leave her somewhere and not come back. I miss her when I’m gone for a few
hours
.”

“You’re a good mother, Heidi. You know sometimes, my clients, the ones who came from the worst families, end up being the best parents. It was like they had lived through all the examples of what
not
to do, and it taught them how to do everything right.”

Even though her words are serious, laughter bursts out of me. “That was our motto growing up. Marcel and I. ‘What would Mom do?’ Then let’s do the opposite.”

She laughs with me. “See?”

An extremely unpleasant smell interrupts us. “She must need her diaper changed. God only knows what Murphy fed her today.”

Hope follows me into the bedroom. “Oh, where is he?”

“Uh”—I slide a guilty look her way—“I might have been a little snippy. He was waiting outside for me and I don’t know. He sort of implied he was jealous about me visiting Lucas, and after everything, I couldn’t deal with it.”

“Aww, poor Murphy,” she says, not really making me feel better about my behavior. “You should have told him, honey. He would have understood.”

“I know.”

The corner of her mouth quirks up. “Now that you’ve changed her, why don’t I watch Alexa and you go over and talk to him.”

I laugh because Hope is unapologetic about avoiding diaper changes whenever possible.

“Okay. Let me clean up and change. I feel gross.”

Half an hour later, I’m on the path to the clubhouse. It’s dusk, but I can make out all the extra cars and hear the music all the way out in the woods. Z mentioned a party. Fantastic. At least I bothered to fix myself up.

I wonder how my brother feels about the party. He’s avoided all this stuff since he got home. Even the celebration thrown in his honor for his homecoming.

Twitch greets me at the front door. I’ve met him at Wrath’s gym before but didn’t realize he’s now an official prospect and allowed up at the clubhouse. “Big step up, Twitch.” I nod at his Prospect cut. The sight of it makes my stomach flutter. I’d been so excited and proud when Axel was given one.

I was an idiot.

I realize I’m still an idiot when I spot Murphy in the back corner chatting up a familiar blonde. Serena’s friend, Amanda. Great, Serena’s probably lurking somewhere, too. Why did I believe his “Take your time. There’s no one else” speeches?

Amanda runs her fingers over Murphy’s arm and I want to slap her, shove her, anything to get her away from him.

Instead, I turn, bumping into Twitch, who followed me inside.

Grabbing his arm, I pull him to the middle of the floor. “Do you dance?”