More Than Miles (A Lost Kings MC Novel) (49 page)

Hope frowns at me. I don’t think she appreciated the question. “Of course we are. She can stay here as long as she wants. When she’s ready to go back to school, we’ll work something out for Alexa.”

“Thanks.”

She sits back in her chair, lacing her fingers over her stomach. “What are
your
plans?”

“What do you think?”

The corners of her mouth curl into a smile.

“Unless you think it’s too soon?” I know when Hope’s first husband passed away, Rock forced himself to wait a respectable amount of time before pursuing her, so I’m genuinely curious about her opinion.

“It’s really up to her,” she says.

Rock joins us, moving Hope and sitting back down, pulling her into his lap. “Anyway,” she says, tapping Rock’s arm. “You two have known each other your whole lives, so—”

“Christ, I don’t want to be her option B because she’s comfortable and being with me is the easy thing to do.” Actually, as I say it, I realize, I don’t care.

“Murphy,” Hope says and I sense the hurt in her voice immediately. “That’s not what I meant at all. And I don’t think she would ever feel that way about you. I meant, no one would question it if you got together now or a few months from now or whatever.”

I jerk my chin at Rock. “You’re awfully quiet, prez.”

“You want relationship advice from me? Follow her lead.”

“I feel like if I wasn’t here, your advice would be different,” Hope teases.

He snakes his arms around her tighter, kissing her cheek. “Yeah? Sometimes a man has to do what a man has to do when he’s got a stubborn woman. That what you meant?”

She snort-giggles and Heidi stirs.

“Stop, you’re going to wake her up,” Hope scolds Rock, who ignores her protests and kisses her neck.

“I’m awake,” Heidi mumbles.

I raise an eyebrow at Hope. How much of our conversation did Heidi overhear?

She sits up slow and blinks a few times. Her gaze settles on me and she smiles, like she’s happy to find me still here.

“Hey,” she says.

“How was your brother when you saw him?” Rock asks.

Heidi gives him the details and after we talk some more, Hope and Rock go upstairs, leaving us alone on the couch together.

I want nothing more than to finish our kiss, but I think right now, it’s better to give her some space. “Walk me out?” I ask, standing and holding my hand out to her.

“I’m sorry I fell asleep on you,” she says as she follows me to the front door.

“It’s okay.”

“Blake?”

I turn and face her.

“Did you mean it?”

I don’t need to ask. “Yeah, beautiful. I meant it. Your little fingerprints have been all over my heart since the day we met.”

Her jaw drops.

I lean over and give her a kiss on the forehead. “It’s late. Get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I
have all night to think over the bit of conversation I overheard. Blake thinks he’s second best? That I’d settle for him? When he’s the best person in my life and I don’t deserve him?

It hurts.

It hurts that I’ve hurt him.

The truth is ugly. The truth is that I never stopped loving him. If I’m going to be brutally honest with myself, Axel and I probably wouldn’t have made it together another year. The few sweet moments we had here and there don’t change the fact that I made a mistake marrying Axel when he clearly wasn’t happy about being a father.

I didn’t know him as well as I thought I did. We didn’t have as much in common as I always assumed we did.

Those are my truths. And they hurt. They’re unfair because Axel’s not here to dispute any of them.

None of that stops me from feeling guilty about kissing Blake last night.

No, not guilty about kissing him. Guilty about how much I
liked
kissing him. Overhearing the advice Hope gave him relieved a tiny portion of the guilt.

Confused and anxious, I wake early and dress Alexa to go visit my brother.

I find Hope awake in the kitchen. She’s really the only person I can talk to about all of this stuff. She lost her first husband young, too, so I know she understands.

“It’s not quite the same, honey. I didn’t have such a close-knit family or a daughter to pull me out of my grief,” she says when I attempt to explain my conflicted feelings.

She also wasn’t considering leaving her husband when he died. That’s the main reason I feel so guilty.

“Gettin’ ready to see that brother of yours, Heidi-girl?” Rock asks, joining us.

“Yup.”

“I’ll be down later this afternoon.”

“Thank you, Rock. Thanks for everything you do for him. And for me.” I get the words out without being all weepy.

Rock seems flustered by the thanks and Hope pats his arm. “We love you, Heidi,” she says.

I attempt a smile and a joke. “Even though I’ve always been a brat, Uncle Rock?”

His mouth pulls into a half-smirk. “Yeah, Heidi-girl. You were always a loveable little snot.”

Warmth fills my chest. While life may have handed me a shitty set of parents, I’ve been blessed with a wonderful brother and club family.

That warmth lessens as I hurry over to the clubhouse and buckle Alexa into her car seat. Guilt follows me as I sneak my car down the driveway. I can’t help it, though. I need time alone to think on the drive to Sunnyview.

“Where’s Murphy?” my brother asks when I enter his room.

“Home, I guess. I can’t keep bugging him.”

“I doubt you bug him.” He holds his hands out for Alexa. “Hi, baby,” he sing-songs to her. It’s funny to see my gloomy brother so head over heels for his niece.

Wrath and Trinity show up next. “You’re here early,” Wrath comments.

“Couldn’t sleep.”

While we’re hanging out, one of my brother’s doctors and the occupational therapist stop by. There’s still a number of things my brother needs help with, but since he’s been progressing well, they’re ready to let him go home by the end of the week. “If there are no stairs.”

Marcel starts shaking his head before the woman even finishes. “Nope. My room’s on the second floor.”

Wrath and Trinity share a look. “You can have our room. We’ll move back into Wyatt’s old room until the house is finished,” Trinity says. Wrath squeezes her hand, and I wonder if they discussed this ahead of time.

“Nah, it’s too isolated down there,” Marcel says.

The doctor seems annoyed my brother isn’t more thrilled about going home. “Well, there’s always a Stairlift, but they’re expensive—”

“Doesn’t matter what the cost is, we just want him home if he can be home,” Wrath says. My brother shoots a glare Wrath’s way but doesn’t contradict him.

Violet takes Marcel down to the physical therapy room while the three of us hang back.

“I wish Rock would get his ass down here. He’s good at choking some sense into your hard-headed brother,” Wrath grumbles.

“I think you did okay,” I tease. “He just doesn’t want to look weak in front of everyone.”

“It’s a miracle the fucker’s alive after that accident. Weak isn’t how I’d describe him. Pain in the ass—”

Trinity smacks Wrath’s arm.

“What?”

Blake shows up while we’re waiting for my brother to come back. He nods at Wrath and Trinity, then lifts his chin at me. “Why’d you come by yourself?”

My shoulders lift and my gaze darts to Wrath and Trinity, who are pretending not to listen to our conversation. “I was up early.”

“So?”

I shrug again.

“Let’s go check on welterweight,” Wrath says, yanking Trinity up and out of the room.

“They think Marcel can come home at the end of the week. But he’s being difficult.”

“What’s new?” He takes a seat and pulls it around, so he can face me when he sits. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

His fingers gently grip my chin and turn me to meet his gaze. “Are you upset about last night?”

“No.”
Lie.
“Not exactly.”

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t know how much I can give you right now, Blake.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Come on.”

“Heidi, I’m done. I’m done with any other girl but you. I know you’ve been through hell, so I’m not expecting anything. I’m leaving it up to you. When you’re ready, we’ll be together.”

A sigh of relief leaves me. “What if I—”

“You’re here!” Marcel shouts from the doorway. “Doc says I can go home at the end of the week.”

Murphy’s eyes close briefly, then he plasters a smile on and turns to face my brother. “That’s awesome, brother. Can’t wait.”

“What are you up to now?” I ask as I catch up to Heidi out in the parking lot.

“Home?”

“Want to stop for lunch somewhere?”

It makes me real happy when she answers, “Okay” without even hesitating.

She follows me out of Empire to Hog Heaven. I know how much she loves this place. It looks like a shithole from the outside, but the chef is from some culinary school and he serves hearty gourmet food that comes from local farms and stuff. It’s the closest decent restaurant to the clubhouse, so the guys end up here a lot.

“Is this okay?” I ask once we’re settled in a booth in the back. Alexa’s in her carrier next to Heidi, checking out her surroundings. Heidi’s stirring her coffee in an endless circle.

She glances up at me. “It is. Thank you. I don’t deserve you.”

“What are you talking about?”

Her spoon clatters on the table, and she puts her head in her hands. “I don’t know.”

“Heidi, talk to me.”

“What are we doing, Blake?” she mumbles.

“What?”

She tips her head to the side so she can see me. “What are we doing?”

“Having a late lunch?”

She doesn’t laugh.

“I don’t know what you want me to say. I want to take care of you.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you.” I’ll never get tired of saying that to her. “That’s what people in love do—take care of each other.”

A brief smile lights up her face before her eyes darken with worry. “What do you expect from me?”

“Nothing. I know it’s too soon.”

“How long are you willing to wait?”

Forever. “I love you. Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”

She shakes her head. “I don’t deserve you.”

“What does that even fucking mean?”

Leaning forward, she drills me with a fierce stare. “It
means
, I screwed up my entire life, and you’re going to help me put it back together? How is that fair to you?”

“Heidi.” I grab both her hands, holding her tight. “You didn’t screw anything up. None of it matters anyway. All we can do is go from here. I don’t want to be without you any longer. That’s a fact. It won’t change.”

I expect her to move away, to put some distance between us. But she uncurls her fingers and wraps them around my hands. “I feel awful. Axel doesn’t get the same chance,” she whispers. “But it was his choice to take that job, and I feel guilty for even thinking that way.”

I don’t know what to say, so I just keep holding her hands and let her talk. “From the second I found out I was pregnant, I kept trying to do the
right
thing, even though deep down I knew it was wrong in my heart.”

“Like what?”