More Than Miles (A Lost Kings MC Novel) (45 page)

“What? No. Why would you think that?”

“You’re so quiet.”

He takes one of my hands and doesn’t speak again until I meet his gaze. “Heidi, I want to make everything better for you and I don’t know how. That’s all.”

“Oh.” Tears wet my lashes and I try to blink them away. “Having you here, helping me with packing up the apartment, and all the other small details. It makes it easier. I don’t know what I would have done if you and Hope hadn’t come.”

He nods, but his serious expression never changes. His hand settles on my lower back and he guides me inside the hospital. “Come on, let’s see your friend.”

“Are you coming in with me?”

“I should probably wait outside the room. I’ve never really met the kid.”

Clearing the air between us helped. A little.

We find our way to Lucas’s unit. Barely more than a sheet separates his bed from the patients on either side of him. “Lucas?” I call out before entering.

I’ve worked in a hospital and unfortunately spent a lot of time in hospitals visiting injured family members. None of that prepared me for seeing Lucas, and I try not to gasp when I take him in.

“It’s not as bad as it looks, Heidi,” he rasps in a voice I barely recognize.

I take a deep breath and force a smile. “Is this your new method of picking up chicks?”

He snorts and rolls his head toward the window. “Might as well. Penny left me.”

“What?”

“It’s fine. Good to know she wasn’t down for the sickness and health part before we got married, right?”

Even in his condition, he’s trying to joke with me, so I laugh even though it’s the last thing I feel like doing.

“What are you going to do?”

“My parents are staying.”

“I…I’m headed home. I can’t stay here by myself.”

“Christ, Heidi. I’m so fucking sorry. This is my fault. If I hadn’t dragged you guys up here, Axel would, well, he’d—”

Pain’s etched all over his face, and I settle my hand on his shoulder to calm him. “It’s
not
your fault. He wanted to visit Alaska way before you ever took the job here.”

The small lie seems to comfort him, so I don’t waste energy feeling guilty about it.

“He loved you, Heidi. I know you two were having problems.” I raise an eyebrow, surprised Axel expressed our issues to anyone. Lucas squeezes my hand. “He didn’t know how to deal with being a dad. But he loved you both. Every time you texted him a picture, he’d run around and show everyone ‘his girls.’”

So much for not crying and snotting all over myself. “Thank you,” I whisper when I can finally force some words out.

“When are you leaving?”

“Tonight.”

“Good. My parents are going to try to get me transferred to a hospital at home, when I can travel.”

“Let me know as soon as you’re back so I can come see you.”

His eyelids drop and his voice is much weaker than it was a few minutes ago. “Bring Alexa with you?”

“I will.”

I give his hand another quick squeeze before leaving.

“How’d it go?” Murphy asks while we’re waiting for the elevator.

I choke down a sob. “Not great.”

He wraps his arm around my shoulders, offering support. After a few minutes, I’m able to spit out part of why I’m so mad. “Penny ditched him. He’s better off. She cheated on him all the time. But still.”

The doors open, and he ushers me inside. “I’m sorry.”

“He’s such a good guy. He didn’t deserve that.”

The rest of the afternoon goes by swiftly, yet in slow motion. I’m a robot as I take a last walk through the apartment. Too many emotions overwhelm me as we leave. I don’t know which one beats stronger in my chest. Anger with Axel for taking this stupid job? Guilt because I’m so damn happy to go home?

The one thing I’m sure of? I’m terrified of what happens next.

I
’m a wreck the day of Axel’s funeral. I haven’t slept much since we returned to New York. To be honest, I haven’t slept since that first phone call.

After a week of waiting and getting the runaround from Axel’s company, I was told due to the special gear required by Axel’s below-deck job, they found “remains.” No one explained what specifically that meant, but the gruesome images my head came up with haunt me all day, every day.

While we were packing up the apartment, I was asked to turn over some of Axel’s things for DNA testing and the remains were determined to be his.

Axel’s parents have fought me on everything since the official word about their son’s death was made public. Axel and I never exactly discussed things like funeral arrangements. Who thinks about that stuff when you’re nineteen and twenty-one years old? His parents already have burial plots picked out for themselves, and that’s where they want to put their only son.

Given how little there is to bury, I don’t think it makes a lot of sense, but it seems like a horrible thing to quibble over, so I don’t object.

Besides, it’s not as if I have something better in mind.

When we returned to New York, I realized Alexa and I had nowhere to go. Axel and I had given up our apartment when we moved. My brother had moved out of his apartment and was still in his rehab facility re-learning how to walk. It wasn’t even a question for Hope, though. She and Rock took me back into their house and set me up in the guest room I stayed in last time. Hope and Rock stepped in a few times when Axel’s parents got too demanding. I don’t know what I’d do without them.

I haven’t seen Murphy since we got back from Alaska. But then again, I haven’t wanted to see anyone.

I’m angry. Boiling mad. About everything. Confused as hell about what I should do next with my life. The only thing that gets me out of bed every morning is Alexa. Every day, I wake up, take a deep breath, and listen for sounds of what she’s up to. I see Axel every time I look at my baby girl, it hurts, but I fall in love with her all over again. Nothing matters except doing the right thing for her.

If only I knew what that was.

Today, I dress her in a black velvet jumper with footies. Probably meant for taking happy holiday photos—not for attending funerals. I found it on clearance. It came with a matching black velvet hat, which is good because it’s a cold day.

On the way to the funeral, I sit with Alexa in the back of Rock’s SUV and try to convince her to keep the hat on.

News of Axel’s death must have spread. The parking lot of the funeral home is full of motorcycles. Lost Kings here to show their support.

I burst into tears when I see them.

When we step inside the funeral home, Trinity takes Alexa from me and pulls the diaper bag out of my hands. Hope never leaves my side.

Axel’s parents barely speak to me. His mother glares at each biker who approaches and offers condolences.

It’s a bitterly cold day at the gravesite. Too cold for the long service his parents planned. Alexa starts screaming. I think she’s had enough of the cold, too.

“Heidi, why don’t I take her back to the clubhouse, so you don’t have to worry?” Trinity asks.

“That’s probably better. Thank you.”

“No problem.” She embraces me and I kiss Alexa’s cheek. “There are bottles and stuff in her bag,” I remind Trinity before she leaves. I haven’t been able to nurse my daughter since before we left Alaska. Another thing that makes me feel like a failure. The doctors and counselors had stressed over and over the importance of breast-feeding, and now I can’t even do that.

“Where is that girl taking Alexa?” Axel’s mother snaps at me.

Now you care about your granddaughter?

“That’s my friend and she’s taking Alexa home.” My hands twist nervously in front of me to keep warm. I forgot gloves. “It’s too cold for her to be out here.”

His mother’s eyes zero in on my hand. “You should give that back.”

“What?”

She points at my left hand. “My mother’s ring.”

“My engagement ring?” I ask stupidly, unable to follow this woman’s logic.

“Yes. It belongs in the family.”

I’m so utterly confused by her words. “It is.”

“
My
family. It should go to Annabelle’s daughter when she’s older. Not you.”

I don’t have a response. I’m too stunned and hurt.

Luckily, Hope’s full of words. She wraps her arm around my shoulders and squeezes. “Mrs. Ryan. That ring legally belongs to Heidi. Axel gave it to her in contemplation of marriage. They married. You don’t have any claim on it. It will go to their daughter when she’s older.”

Mentioning Alexa reminds me of how Axel gave me the ring. As an afterthought when I told him I was pregnant. What kind of story is that to tell my daughter?
Hey, when your dad couldn’t talk me into an abortion, he proposed.

“No.” I twist the ring off my finger. “Here. Take it.”

Hope tries to stop me. “Heidi, she has no right—”

“No. I don’t want to think about
you
every time I look at it,” I snap, throwing the ring at Mrs. Ryan. “Just so you know, he was planning to give it to me after graduation. Whether I’d been pregnant or not, we still would have gotten married.” I don’t know if that last part is true exactly. Axel said he wanted to give me the ring after he graduated, but if I hadn’t gotten pregnant would we have even been together by then?

I’m so angry. I want to lash out at someone. I want to scream at her. She might think I’m biker trash who lured her son to the dark side, but at least my “trashy” family loves me and came here to support me, when her precious daughter couldn’t be bothered to fly home for the funeral of her only sibling.

Mr. Ryan stoops down to pick up the ring. “How dare—”

Rock steps up next to me. “Enough. I know you’re hurting, but you have no business taking it out on her,” he says calmly. “I knew your son pretty well. He loved Heidi. He wouldn’t want her treated this way.”

Mrs. Ryan glares at him. “She ruined his life. He’s dead because—”

Rock holds his hand up, stopping her. “Stop right there. I’m telling you politely to have some dignity for the sake of your son.” He lowers his voice and leans in. “But if either of you say another word to upset Heidi, I’ll personally escort you out.” He puts enough menace behind the words that Axel’s parents snap their mouths closed and move away from us.

“I’m sorry, Heidi-girl,” he says, turning me to face him. “Are you okay?”

“Yes. Thank you. I didn’t know what to do.” I glance out to the parking lot and catch my brother’s truck pulling in. Seeing it feels like a baseball bat to the stomach. I’ve been so miserable since returning home, I haven’t visited my brother nearly enough.

There’s only one other person Marcel would allow to drive his truck.

Murphy.

I’m flooded with emotions. Each one dark and painful.

“I’ll be right back,” I say over my shoulder.

Hope calls out to me, but I’m already running toward where Murphy’s helping my brother out of the truck and into a
wheelchair
. It hurts so much seeing my brother like this. I know it must be killing him to depend on others for something so basic. Tears cloud my vision. Mrs. Ryan’s accusation echoes in my head. My anger with Axel for moving us to Alaska and lying to me—something I haven’t been able to admit to anyone yet—stirs inside of me.

All these agonizing emotions strangle me, stealing my breath. I feel so helpless. So frustrated and so damn angry.

A burning ball of anguish fills my chest as I watch Murphy pushing my brother’s wheelchair over the rough ground.

My brother shouldn’t be in a wheelchair.

Axel should be alive.

My feet slap painfully against the hard ground as I run to meet them.

“Why are you even here, Murphy?” I shout.

His head snaps up. “What?”

Marcel reaches up and grabs my hand. “Hey, baby sis. Calm down.”

“Calm down?” I throw my glare at Murphy. “You hated Axel. You drummed him out of the club. We never would have been up there in the first place—”

“Heidi!” my brother snaps, jerking my arm to get my attention. “That’s enough.”

Painful sobs tear my throat apart. My heart’s throbbing with so much anger and hurt, I don’t know where to put it or how to make it stop. Shame slithers over my skin. I hate myself for every awful word I flung at Murphy.