More Than Miles (A Lost Kings MC Novel) (46 page)

“Heidi,” Hope says, wrapping her arm around my shoulders and steering me back to the funeral. I’m so ashamed of my behavior, I bury my face against her coat and cry. She walks us to the front row and sits us down. Rock’s on my other side. He settles his arm over the back of my chair, embracing both of us. For comfort and probably to keep me in place so I don’t cause another scene.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

Hope tips her head down and smiles through her tears. “I know you are, sweetheart. It’s okay.”

But, it’s not okay. Nothing is okay.

Heidi’s words sting.

Because I wonder if there’s any truth to them.

Mostly her words burn because I know she’s hurting. She’s way too young to be dealing with any of this. She was dealt a shitty set of parents and had a rough childhood because of it. Things should be easier for her now. But they’re not.

She’d been such a robot those last days in Alaska, she scared me. I’m glad she’s finally showing some emotion. Even if it is by screaming at me in the parking lot.

“I’m sorry, bro,” Teller says, reaching up to grab my hand.

“It’s fine. She’s upset.”

“She didn’t mean it.”

I’m dealing with my own shit today. Picking my best friend up from his rehabilitation facility and wheeling him around is fucking with me. Inside, I’m shredded raw. Outside, I’m trying to stay upbeat and positive for him. I’m terrified his condition may be permanent, but I don’t dare voice my fears to anyone. Afraid then it will become real.

Worse, I know how much he hates being seen out in public like this.
Weak.
If it wasn’t for Heidi, he would have stayed in bed and told me to go fuck myself when I came to pick him up.

“You feeling all right?” I ask. A dangerous question. Even with me, he’s touchy about his condition.

“I’m fine, dick.”

I smack him in the back of the head for that comment. I mean, he won’t get better if I baby him, right?

“Ow. It’s not nice to beat up the disabled, you know.”

“You’re not disabled, you fuck. You’re temporarily out of commission.”

He lets out a dark chuckle and points to the back row. “Park us back here.”

Dex and Swan join us and fuss over Teller, which I know makes him even more uncomfortable. My mind wanders to Heidi. Up front. With her head on Hope’s shoulder. Rock has an arm around both of them. That’s good. They’ve taken such good care of her since we got home. Rock gives me an update on Heidi almost every day because I felt it was better to keep my distance.

Across the aisle, Axel’s stone-hard parents sit, glaring at everyone.

While Swan’s still catering to Teller, Dex leans over. “I take back everything I ever said about Axel being uptight. Those parents of his are two of the coldest fish I’ve ever met.”

“Yeah. Dealt with them up in Alaska.”

“Did you hear the shit they said to Heidi? I’m surprised Rock didn’t kill that mother. What a piece of work.”

“No. What happened?”

He gives me a brief rundown that makes my blood bubble and my fists flex. I’ve never hit a woman. Axel’s mother may be my first.

The service is long. As soon as there’s a break, Teller asks to go.

“You don’t want to stay and talk to your sister?”

He glares at me.

“Okay. Okay. Let’s go.”

In the truck, he explains he’s not feeling well, and I know it killed him to admit it, so I just nod and drive him back.

When I finally make it to the clubhouse, it’s virtually empty. Wrath’s truck’s in the yard, so he’s here somewhere. I don’t go looking for him, though.

Usually, I can’t stand being alone.

But right now, I can’t stand the thought of being around anyone.

I
need to do this before I lose my nerve. Or fall asleep.

I’m wrung out and exhausted, ready to crawl into bed and not come out for a month.

After checking on Alexa, I hike up the clubhouse stairs. This trip has never seemed so long before.

Outside Murphy’s door, I hesitate. What if he’s with someone?

Stop making excuses and apologize.

He answers after the third knock, looking as worn out as I feel.

“Hey, Bug.” His gaze roams over me, concern etched on his face. He’s still worried about me, even though I acted so horribly before.

I open my mouth, but instead of an apology a harsh sob bursts out.

He pulls me into his arms, against his chest, holds me tight and lets me cry. “I’m so sorry,” I cry the words into his shirt.

“What’re you sorry for?” With my face mashed up against his chest, I hear and feel his softly spoken question.

Is he serious? I wriggle away enough to stare up at his face. “For yelling at you at the funeral. I’m sorry. After his parents—and my brother and…I’m sorry. I never should have taken everything out on you. You’re my—I—you helped me out so much. I don’t know what I would have done without you. I’m so sorry,” I babble all the words out and cry some more.

His chest rises as he pulls in a long breath. There’s no hint of the smile I’m used to when he opens his mouth. “Heidi, I’m always here for you, no matter what. You take whatever you want out on me.”

My jaw drops and I squeak out, “Blake.”

He pulls me against him again. “It’s okay,” he reassures me while rubbing his hand over my hair and down my back.

“I didn’t mean any of it.”

“I know you didn’t.” He holds me tighter and I’m still so chilled from the funeral, I cling to him, soaking in his warmth. We stay like that, him holding me while I cry, rocking us from side to side, until I settle down.

“Where’s my brother?” I finally ask.

“I brought him back early. He wasn’t doing too good.”

“Oh, shit. I should go see him.”

“Let him rest today. I’ll take you to see him tomorrow if you want. Maybe give him a call later and let him know how you’re doing.”

“I will.”

“Where’s Alexa?” he asks before I fumble out any more words.

“Downstairs with Wrath and Trinity,” I whisper.

One corner of his mouth lifts into a smirk. “Come on. I want to say hi to her. Can’t have Wrath being her favorite uncle.”

He’s trying to make me laugh, but I’m still too torn up. Instead, I let him guide me down the stairs.

Alexa’s happy baby giggles ease some of the pain in my heart. Although when I see
why
she’s making all the noise, I’m a little less enthused.

Wrath stops his game of airplane and settles Alexa against his chest, which makes her squeal and kick in frustration. “Don’t worry, Mom, I was hanging on to her tight.”

“I know. I saw you.” Wrath’s big and scary to everyone else, but I trust him completely with my daughter.

“Training for your own?” Murphy jokes.

Trinity wrinkles her nose. “Bite your tongue.” Yeah, Trinity’s much more interested in playing auntie than mommy.

“Thank you for watching her today.”

“No problem,” Trinity says as she passes Alexa to me. “Things looked intense with your mother-in-law.”

I roll my eyes and drop down onto the other couch, keeping Alexa on my lap. She leans and wiggles trying to get Murphy to pick her up, and eventually I hand her over to him. My bare ring finger catches my attention.

“I can’t believe I let her take my ring.”

The three of them stare at me. “She did
what
?” Wrath asks.

My shoulders lift. I don’t feel any sense of loss over the ring. More disbelief that I let that awful woman bully me into giving it to her. “It was his grandmother’s, so I guess his mom felt like she was entitled to it.”

“That’s bullshit,” Trinity says. “You should have Hope talk to her. That ring should go to Alexa.”

“Hope said something to her.” I laugh, a sad, pathetic sound. “It’s not a super romantic story about how he gave it to me, anyway. I don’t care.”

“You might care later,” Trinity says gently and I shrug.

We talk a little longer, then I stand and gather Alexa’s things.

“You need me to walk you over to Hope and Rock’s?” Murphy asks.

“No. We’ll be okay.”

I shouldn’t have bothered. Of course Murphy won’t let me walk home alone. He doesn’t say anything as he walks beside me, carrying Alexa. When we get to the house, Hope’s on the front porch.

“I was looking for you.” Her gaze slides to Murphy. “Everything all right?”

“We’re okay,” I answer.

She holds her arms out for Alexa. “I’ll put her down for her nap.”

“Thank you.”

Why didn’t I go inside with Hope? Wrath and Trinity had been a good distraction back at the clubhouse. But now I’m alone with Blake, and I still can’t look him in the eye. I’m embarrassed over the easy way he forgave me for my awful behavior.

“Heidi?”

I take a chance and meet his eyes. “Is there anything I can do for you?” he asks.

“I don’t think so.”

I hate all this…stuff. All this weirdness between us that I caused.

“If you need anything, call me. Okay?” he says quietly.

“I will.”

“Doesn’t matter what time it is. And if you ever need to talk, I’m a short walk that way.” He points toward the clubhouse.

“I’ll call first.” My attempt at a joke comes out sad, and I think he misunderstands.

“That’s not—I’m not—there’s no one. Don’t worry about that.”

“Murphy—”

“No.” He leans over and kisses my forehead. “Call me if you want to visit your brother tomorrow.” Then, he takes off before I can say anything else.

My legs feel too heavy to carry me up the stairs. Inside, I find Hope and Rock talking quietly in the kitchen.

“You okay, hon?” Rock calls.

“Yeah,” I answer, joining them.

“Hungry?” Hope asks.

“No. Is Alexa all right?”

“Yup. Went right down. She doesn’t know…” Hope trails off.

“I know she doesn’t.” It makes me sad she’ll never have any memories of her father. Kind of like me. “I think…I need a nap.”

Rock pulls me in for a hug and kisses the top of my head. “You need to take care of yourself and the baby. We’ll take care of everything else, okay?”

“Thank you.”

Walking away from Heidi kills me. I want to be the one to help her through this. To be there for her. It hurt to find her outside my door in tears, so torn up because she thought she needed to apologize to me.