More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops (30 page)

CUSTOMER
(pushes in front of a long queue to the service counter, where a bookseller is clearly helping another customer, and asks)
: Where are your books on etiquette?

Camille Minor:
Borders, Melbourne, Australia.

Weird Things Customers Say
at
Weird Things Customers Say
in Bookshops
Book Signings

Standing in a bookshop with copies of
Weird Things ...
to sign was bound to get a few strange looks, and perhaps confuse a couple of people, but I think I underestimated the irony of me going into bookshops, with
Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops
, and interacting with the customers ...

WOMAN:
So. Are you the new J. K. Rowling, then? ... You don’t look like her. You’ve got different hair.

WOMAN:
Can you tell me where the children’s section is?

ME:
I’m afraid I don’t work here – I’m just here signing books today.

WOMAN:
Oh. Well, what use is that?!

MAN:
Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops
by Jen Campbell?

ME:
Yep.

MAN:
You wrote this?

ME:
I did.

MAN:
Cool. What’s your name?

ME:
... Jen Campbell.

MAN
(seriously)
: And what’s the book about? Is it a thriller or something? Does it have vampires? I love vampires.

CUSTOMER:
I recognise you. Were you on television?

ME:
Nope, not that I’m aware of.

CUSTOMER:
You were! I’ve seen you.

ME:
I don’t think so. I’m a writer.

CUSTOMER:
Oh. Wait. Are there secret cameras here? Is this a fly-on-the-wall documentary?

ME:
... No. I’m, er, just signing books.

CUSTOMER:
Well, you would say that, wouldn’t you? Hmmm. Wait a minute, I’m just going to nip to the bathroom and do my make up. Then I’ll come back and we can have this conversation again.

CUSTOMER:
All writers are millionaires, aren’t they?

ME:
Nope.

CUSTOMER:
How much do you earn, then?

WOMAN
(walks up to me, holding up a copy of
Fifty Shades of Grey
)
: Will you sign this for me?

ME:
... I didn’t write that book.

WOMAN:
But the sign here says that you’re signing books today.

ME:
Yes ... I’m signing the book that I wrote
(indicates
Weird Things ...
)

WOMAN:
Just that one?

ME:
... Yes.

WOMAN:
Not any of the others?

ME:
... No.

WOMAN:
Oh, well, that’s very odd.
(She wanders off, looking confused.)

MAN:
Weird Things
, ey?

ME:
Yep.

MAN:
You should follow my wife around; she says stupid things all the time.

ME:
Really?

MAN:
Yeah. Not necessarily in bookshops, just in life.

ME:
Oh.

MAN:
Yeah. Like, she tells people that I poisoned our cat. But I totally didn’t.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Much love and thanks to Charlie and Hugh, and the lovely people at Constable and Robinson, and Ed Victor.

Love and thanks also to the marvellous Greg and his fantastic illustrations.

Thank you to all the booksellers and librarians who sent in quotes for this book, and a big hello to all the booksellers I’ve met whilst promoting
Weird Things ...
It’s been wonderful visiting so many different bookshops, and chatting to so many great people. Long live bricks and mortar bookshops!

Lots of love and thanks to my excellent family and friends (especially Miles).