More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops (11 page)

CUSTOMER:
I’m looking for books for an eight-year-old girl. What would you recommend?

BOOKSELLER:
Well, is she a confident reader for her age?

CUSTOMER:
Yes.

BOOKSELLER:
And what are her interests?

CUSTOMER:
Horses, princesses, dancing ...

BOOKSELLER:
OK – I’ll help you find some.

(Bookseller spends the next ten minutes finding books for the customer, talking about each one in turn.)

CUSTOMER:
Great. Thanks. I’ll bear all those in mind.

BOOKSELLER:
Would you like us to keep any on reserve for you?

CUSTOMER
(gets out pen and paper to write down the titles)
:

No, I’ll just write them down. I don’t want them myself. I’m writing a book, you see, about an eight year old girl and I wanted to work out what books she should have on her bookcase.

BOOKSELLER:
So you don’t want to buy any?

CUSTOMER:
Oh, no dear. Don’t be silly. I might have the character purchase some of the books in the story itself. But not in real life.

BOOKSELLER:
... I see.

CUSTOMER:
And, to be honest, my character’s rather advanced for her age with regard to technology. So I might have her buy them online instead.

BOOKSELLER:
... Right.

(Bookseller sees a customer putting some garlic on a bookshelf)

BOOKSELLER:
… Er, excuse me, can I ask what you’re doing?

CUSTOMER:
These books are about vampires. I’m taking precautions.

CUSTOMER
(bursts into the shop)
: You haven’t seen my ferret have you?

BOOKSELLER:
No, I can’t say I have.

CUSTOMER:
Right, well, if you do see him, please keep him safe.

BOOKSELLER:
… Will do.

CUSTOMER:
Can I pay with an Amazon gift card?

CUSTOMER:
How many Sickles are there to a pound?

BOOKSELLER:
I don’t know, why?

CUSTOMER:
I want to set up an underground currency.

CUSTOMER
(going through comics)
: Pfft. Look at all these so-called superheroes. Spiderman bitten by a spider, The Hulk getting all radioactive. I was bitten by my sister’s hamster when I was five but you don’t hear me going on about it!

LITTLE BOY
(whispers)
: You should stock up on food.

BOOKSELLER:
Should I?

LITTLE BOY:
Yes.

BOOKSELLER:
Why?

LITTLE BOY
(seriously)
: The aliens are coming.

BOOKSELLER:
… They are?

LITTLE BOY:
Yes. ET is angry, and he wants revenge!

CUSTOMER:
I can’t afford a gym membership. Would you mind if I came in here three or four times a week? I’d like to use your larger books to do some weight-lifting.

CUSTOMER:
They say there’s a book inside all of us, don’t they?

BOOKSELLER:
… They do say that.

CUSTOMER:
How do I find mine? I think it’s hiding from me.

BOOKSELLER:
… I don’t think you can really rush these things.

CUSTOMER
(muttering to herself)
: I need a book x-ray. That’s what I need.