More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops (9 page)

(A young girl is looking at some pony books)

BOOKSELLER:
Do you like horses?

YOUNG GIRL:
Yes. When I grow up I’m going to have a pony.

BOOKSELLER:
That sounds like fun.

YOUNG GIRL:
Yes. And it will be better than all the other ponies.

BOOKSELLER:
How come?

YOUNG GIRL:
Because mine will have a purple tail. And roller-skates.

CUSTOMER:
I don’t like poetry. It seems so arbitrary.
(Pause)
Wait, that rhymes! Perhaps I’m an undiscovered poet.

BOOKSELLER:
I thought you didn’t like poetry?

CUSTOMER:
Well, not other people’s – but I would probably like my own!

CUSTOMER:
Do you have this crime book? It’s called
The Girl with the Dragon and the Baboon
?

CUSTOMER:
What methods of payment do you accept?

BOOKSELLER:
Cash, credit card, debit card, cheque ...

CUSTOMER:
Would you accept an IOU?

CUSTOMER
(whispers)
: Sometimes I think my cat is trying to kill me.

BOOKSELLER:
Oh?

CUSTOMER:
Only sometimes, though. Not all the time. Sometimes he can be quite nice.

LITTLE GIRL:
Hello!

BOOKSELLER:
Hi!

LITTLE GIRL:
Guess where I’m going.

BOOKSELLER:
Where?

LITTLE GIRL:
My dad’s taking me to the zoo!

BOOKSELLER:
That sounds exciting.

LITTLE GIRL:
Yes. It is. I want to read a book to the chimpanzees.

BOOKSELLER:
You do?

LITTLE GIRL:
Yes. Do you have a book with pictures of monkeys in it?

BOOKSELLER:
I’m sure we do; I’ll help you look.

LITTLE GIRL:
Thanks. I think they’ll like the pictures.

CUSTOMER:
I’m looking for a white book.

BOOKSELLER:
Do you know the title?

CUSTOMER:
I’m not after a specific book – just a white one. I like things to look clean.

CUSTOMER:
(holding up a paperback)
If I buy this book, can I transfer it onto my friend’s Kindle?

BOOKSELLER:
... No.

CUSTOMER:
Oh. How do they put physical books on a Kindle, then? Is it like that part in the film of
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
, where Mike Teavee wants to become part of television, and he flies over everyone’s heads in tiny little pieces?

CUSTOMER
(holding up an old, expensive book)
: Would you mind if I took the dust jacket from this? My copy doesn’t have a jacket, you see.

BOOKSELLER:
You mean you want to buy the dust jacket?

CUSTOMER:
No, I don’t want to buy it. I just want to have it. Do you have a problem with that?

CUSTOMER:
Tell me, is
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone
still in print?

BOOKSELLER:
Yes, of course.

CUSTOMER:
I wasn’t sure if they stopped printing it, you see – surely everyone has a copy by now?