More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops (8 page)

YOUNG GIRL:
Oh. Our wardrobe at home doesn’t work for getting to Narnia, either.

BOOKSELLER:
No?

YOUNG GIRL:
No. Dad says it’s because Mum bought it at IKEA.

CUSTOMER:
Have you read the Bible?

BOOKSELLER:
Some parts.

CUSTOMER:
I see. I think you should read all of it. I’m going to come to the bookshop once a week and read it aloud to you.

BOOKSELLER:
That’s really not necessary.

CUSTOMER:
But I want to. I will read it to you in Italian, as that is my native tongue.

BOOKSELLER:
... I don’t understand Italian.

CUSTOMER:
This does not matter.

BOOKSELLER:
... I think it probably does.

CUSTOMER:
Do you have audiobooks on sign language?

CUSTOMER:
Do you know anything about building small houses for chihuahuas?

CUSTOMER:
Do you have a copy of
The Handmaid’s Tale
?

BOOKSELLER:
I’m afraid we sold our copy of that this morning. I can order it in for you, though.

CUSTOMER:
Can’t you just print a copy for me? From the internet?

CUSTOMER:
What book do you recommend I read when I’m on the tube, to get girls to want to sleep with me?

YOUNG GIRL:
Mummy, where do angels come from?

MOTHER:
Erm ...

YOUNG GIRL
(interrupting)
: I think they grow inside of clouds.

MOTHER:
Oh, yes? How do you think they get there?

YOUNG GIRL:
They come from eggs! That grow in space!

MOTHER:
Interesting ...

CUSTOMER:
Do you hold cookery classes here?

BOOKSELLER:
... No, we don’t.

CUSTOMER:
Oh. I was hoping to try out some of the recipes in your cookery books to see if they’re any good.

BOOKSELLER:
You’d have to buy a cookery book and try those recipes out at home.

CUSTOMER:
Oh. Well. How very inconvenient.

CUSTOMER:
There are several things I look for in a good book.

BOOKSELLER:
Oh? What are those?

CUSTOMER:
A murder – preferably of a handsome young man – a helicopter ride, a small dog, a parrot, a suicide, cigars, moustaches, love letters and animals that have escaped from the zoo.

BOOKSELLER:
...

CUSTOMER:
Why aren’t you writing these things down?

BOOKSELLER:
Sorry
(grabs a pen)
.

CUSTOMER:
Good. Let’s not forget the mysterious crop circles in the fields. Then there’s the heroine – preferably a redhead from a country house in Wales, who collects fossils in her spare time. Her grandmother should be alive, but only just, and on the weekends she should ride wild horses on the beach. The heroine, that is, not the grandmother.

BOOKSELLER:
... Right.

CUSTOMER:
Any books spring to mind?

BOOKSELLER:
No ... It sounds like you should probably write this book yourself, considering you have such specific tastes.

CUSTOMER:
You know, I rather hoped you might say that.
(He pulls a notebook out of his pocket.)
I’ve been outlining the story. Would you like to read it?

CUSTOMER:
I need a really awful book to give to someone I hate. Any recommendations?