More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops (6 page)

YOUNG GIRL:
Mummy, are the books on the top shelves only for really tall people?

YOUNG BOY:
You should put a basement in your bookshop.

BOOKSELLER:
You think so?

YOUNG BOY:
Yeah. And then you could keep a dragon in it, and he could look after all the books for you when you’re not here.

BOOKSELLER:
That’s a pretty cool idea. Dragons breathe fire, though. Do you think he might accidentally burn the books?

YOUNG BOY:
He might, but you could get one who’d passed a test in bookshop-guarding. Then you’d be OK.

BOOKSELLER:
You know, I think you’re on to something there.

CUSTOMER:
I’d like to buy this audiobook.

BOOKSELLER:
Great.

CUSTOMER:
Only, I don’t really like this narrator.

BOOKSELLER:
Oh.

CUSTOMER:
Do you have a selection of narrators to choose from? Ideally, I’d like Benedict Cumberbatch.

CUSTOMER:
Hi, I’m looking for a book, I was wondering if you could recommend one.

BOOKSELLER:
Sure. Is it for you, or for a friend?

CUSTOMER:
It’s for me, dear. I was hoping to get a really good erotic novel, as an early birthday present to myself. Make bedtime reading that little bit more interesting, you know what I mean?

CUSTOMER:
Personally, I think that if Jesus were alive today, he would go on a talent show and sing amazingly and win everyone over that way.

BOOKSELLER:
... What would he sing?

CUSTOMER:
Erm. That’s a tough call. Probably a toss up between ‘Imagine’ and ‘Saturday Night Fever.’ Not because Jesus had a beard like John Lennon and the Bee Gees, but because I reckon he’d like us to feel spiritual but have a really good time, too.

CUSTOMER
(holding up an art book)
: Wow. Picasso must have gone out with some really ugly women.

CUSTOMER:
This is the bookshop from the film
Notting Hill
, isn’t it?

BOOKSELLER:
No, I’m afraid it’s isn’t.

CUSTOMER:
It is. It looks exactly the same!

BOOKSELLER:
Well, not really. The bookshop in
Notting Hill
is a travel bookshop. Also, it’s in Notting Hill – the place.

CUSTOMER:
You have a travel section, though.

BOOKSELLER:
... Yes.

CUSTOMER:
Are you not allowed to tell me that this bookshop is the one from the film, is that it?

BOOKSELLER:
... We are not the bookshop from the film.

CUSTOMER:
Oh
(winks)
. I see, I get it; you’re not allowed to say. It’s because you know Hugh Grant, right?

BOOKSELLER:
... No. And Hugh Grant doesn’t actually work in that bookshop; that was just for the film.

CUSTOMER:
Aha! So you do know Hugh Grant!

BOOKSELLER:
No, I–

CUSTOMER:
Is he here? Is he in the back room?

BOOKSELLER:
What? No!

CUSTOMER:
It’s OK, don’t worry; I won’t tell a soul.

CUSTOMER
(to her friend)
: What about this book?
(holds up a copy of
The Hobbit
)
.

CUSTOMER:
No. I don’t want to read that. It’ll spoil the film.

YOUNG BOY:
When I grow up, I’m going to be a book ninja.