Read More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops Online
Authors: Jen Campbell
YOUNG GIRL:
Mummy, are the books on the top shelves only for really tall people?
YOUNG BOY:
You should put a basement in your bookshop.
BOOKSELLER:
You think so?
YOUNG BOY:
Yeah. And then you could keep a dragon in it, and he could look after all the books for you when you’re not here.
BOOKSELLER:
That’s a pretty cool idea. Dragons breathe fire, though. Do you think he might accidentally burn the books?
YOUNG BOY:
He might, but you could get one who’d passed a test in bookshop-guarding. Then you’d be OK.
BOOKSELLER:
You know, I think you’re on to something there.
CUSTOMER:
I’d like to buy this audiobook.
BOOKSELLER:
Great.
CUSTOMER:
Only, I don’t really like this narrator.
BOOKSELLER:
Oh.
CUSTOMER:
Do you have a selection of narrators to choose from? Ideally, I’d like Benedict Cumberbatch.
CUSTOMER:
Hi, I’m looking for a book, I was wondering if you could recommend one.
BOOKSELLER:
Sure. Is it for you, or for a friend?
CUSTOMER:
It’s for me, dear. I was hoping to get a really good erotic novel, as an early birthday present to myself. Make bedtime reading that little bit more interesting, you know what I mean?
CUSTOMER:
Personally, I think that if Jesus were alive today, he would go on a talent show and sing amazingly and win everyone over that way.
BOOKSELLER:
... What would he sing?
CUSTOMER:
Erm. That’s a tough call. Probably a toss up between ‘Imagine’ and ‘Saturday Night Fever.’ Not because Jesus had a beard like John Lennon and the Bee Gees, but because I reckon he’d like us to feel spiritual but have a really good time, too.
CUSTOMER
(holding up an art book)
: Wow. Picasso must have gone out with some really ugly women.
CUSTOMER:
This is the bookshop from the film
Notting Hill
, isn’t it?
BOOKSELLER:
No, I’m afraid it’s isn’t.
CUSTOMER:
It is. It looks exactly the same!
BOOKSELLER:
Well, not really. The bookshop in
Notting Hill
is a travel bookshop. Also, it’s in Notting Hill – the place.
CUSTOMER:
You have a travel section, though.
BOOKSELLER:
... Yes.
CUSTOMER:
Are you not allowed to tell me that this bookshop is the one from the film, is that it?
BOOKSELLER:
... We are not the bookshop from the film.
CUSTOMER:
Oh
(winks)
. I see, I get it; you’re not allowed to say. It’s because you know Hugh Grant, right?
BOOKSELLER:
... No. And Hugh Grant doesn’t actually work in that bookshop; that was just for the film.
CUSTOMER:
Aha! So you do know Hugh Grant!
BOOKSELLER:
No, I–
CUSTOMER:
Is he here? Is he in the back room?
BOOKSELLER:
What? No!
CUSTOMER:
It’s OK, don’t worry; I won’t tell a soul.
CUSTOMER
(to her friend)
: What about this book?
(holds up a copy of
The Hobbit
)
.
CUSTOMER:
No. I don’t want to read that. It’ll spoil the film.
YOUNG BOY:
When I grow up, I’m going to be a book ninja.