My Blue River (44 page)

That moment changed so many things. For one, I will be working my butt off on the farm and that’s fine. I’d do anything for my family. But then there’s Addy—or rather—my life with her. I can’t go to California. I can’t leave my parents right now. My dad just had a heart attack. I can’t let him try to run this farm by himself and my mom sure can’t do it by herself.

This is complete torture on so many levels. I fear losing the woman I love and I fear my family being unable to make it financially.

I never dreamed this summer would be filled with so much pain.

32. The Bridge

Much too soon it was time for me to return to college and sadness began to cripple me. One night I had literally crumbled to the floor in tears. I should have been excited to start my sophomore year, but doing so meant once again, leaving Jack.

The only good thing was that I wouldn’t be sharing a room with Sheridan. At the end of last year, she finally decided to pledge to a sorority. I had been told by the university I would have a dorm room to myself so at least there was something to look forward to—peace and quiet. I would devote all my attention to my studies.

As I packed, I ran various scenarios through my mind. Maybe in time, after his dad’s health improved, Jack could join me. But I always came back to the knowledge that Jack would never leave Montana and certainly not permanently.

“Ready, princess?” asked Dad when he reached my bedroom doorway.

“Uh, let me see…” I wiped my tears and looked around my bedroom for one last check. “I think so. I don’t see that I’m leaving anything behind.”
Except for Jack
. I was leaving Jack behind.

“You okay?” asked Dad. He looked concerned but hopeful, as if I would suddenly change my mind and decide to stay.

“I’m fine, Dad. Seriously. I’ll be fine,” I lied. In no way was I
fine.

“Are we picking up Jack when we leave?”

“No, he’ll be here in a minute to say goodbye. He can’t come to the airport.”

Without further conversation, we heard Mom announce Jack’s arrival. I hopped down the stairs—excited to see him—but sad to be saying farewell.

I flew out the screen door and stopped on the porch. He was walking toward me holding a bouquet of roses.

“You’ve been to Whitney’s Floral,” I said with a smile.

“I have. Here,” he extended the bouquet. “These are for you.”

“A farewell gift,” I quietly stated.

Jack looked down at his boots and scuffed his feet around. He looked so sad that it was breaking my heart to look at him.

“Wanna go for a walk?” I asked.

“Yeah, I’d like that,” he replied.

I laid the bouquet on the porch swing. We held hands as we walked around the yard, trying to avoid the inevitable conversation. We hadn’t really gotten back together or expressed to one another where we stood. I wondered where was this relationship headed and I imagined he did, too. That was the conversation we needed to have and it couldn’t wait.

“I guess for once, I’ll go first,” I offered.

He arched his eyebrows. “Go first?”

“Well, clearly, we need to discuss our situation.”

“Our situation?”

“Are you going to repeat each of my sentences with a question?”

“Am I?” He smirked. Now he was just plain teasing me and avoiding the inevitable all at once. We both gave a weak laugh.

“Very funny.”

“I
wish
today was funny.”

“I know. Me, too. This totally sucks.”

We walked in silence until we ended up well away from the house, finding ourselves in the apple orchard.

“Jack, you know I love you, right?”

He eyed me suspiciously, cautiously awaiting my next words, “Yeah… and…”

“I know that right now, considering the situation, this may sound selfish, but I still want you to consider coming to California when your dad gets healthier.”

Jack began to shake his head. “You know I can’t leave. That would be completely heartless of me to leave my parents right now. I can’t.”

“I know. I don’t mean right now, but certainly, you could consider a move later, right?”

He looked thoughtful for a moment then said, “I just don’t see how. Doesn’t it make more sense for you to move home?”

“But for me, California is home.”

“No, Montana is your home. All of your loved ones are here so that makes this your home.”

I had to admit that to some extent, he had a point. But I wanted to get all of my loved ones back to California. I couldn’t help it. I wanted my life to be spent basking in the sunshine, in perfect weather, lounging on beaches and simply enjoying the life I once knew. Although Montana held many beautiful and loving things for me, it didn’t feel like home.

We stopped and stared at each other. Each hoping the other would miraculously change their mind. Disappointment washed over his face as he looked away. He was unable to meet me eye-to-eye.

“You’ll never move, will you?” I said. It was more of a statement than a question.

He paused for what seemed like an eternity. “No. I love you—I do. But I just can’t leave. I can’t.”

I gulped hard. I couldn’t look at him so I turned away.
How can our love survive the challenge of time and distance?
Technically, we were still both very young and maturing yet truly in love.

My lips quivered and my eyes welled with tears. I felt his hand on my back and my shoulders slumped. I was about to lose control of my emotions.

“Addy. For us to work, you have to consider coming back.”

“I have to finish my education.”

“And I understand you want to do that, but we have good universities here. Two of them, in fact. I completely support your desire for a college education.”

I turned to face him. “Jack. I am going to my
dream college
. I have to finish there. I have to. Not only that, I’m living in a place I love. San Diego is beautiful. The weather is perfect. I love going to the beach. I mean, I can’t even describe to you how I feel when I’m there. I love it. It’s the perfect place to live.”

He sucked in a breath and looked down.

“Jack. Please. Look at me.” I pleaded.

He looked up and said, “I guess we’re at that bridge again. The bridge that neither one of us will cross.”

Hot tears fell over my cheeks. “I guess so,” My voice quivered. I threw myself into his chest, where he held me and kissed the top of my head.

We slowly walked back to his Jeep where he gave me a small, friendly kiss goodbye. Although it was satisfying, it wasn’t the kiss I wanted or expected. As I watched him drive away, I swiped at the tears until I heard my dad remind me it was time to leave. I ran past him without looking in his direction. He followed after me and found me grabbing my bags with anger, flinging them into the hallway.

“Aaron! Get your ass out here and help me!” I demanded. I was about to take my anger out on the wrong person. I knew it, but I couldn’t stop it.

Dad reached the top of the stairs. “You want to talk?” he asked.

“Nope.”

“Sure?”

“Yep.” I could tell this would be a one word kind of day. I really couldn’t manage much more without feeling as though I would internally combust.

As we gathered downstairs, I asked Aaron if he was coming to the airport. He just shrugged his shoulders which further aggravated me.

“You need to go with us, son,” insisted Dad.

“No, Dad. It doesn’t matter. I don’t care if he goes or not.” I lied. I wanted Aaron to go and I wanted him to just be a happy young man without so many issues but that just wasn’t reality.
I guess that’s another bridge that won’t be crossed today.

I said goodbye to Aaron and as we hugged, he whispered, “You’re forgiven.” He knew I didn’t really mean to bite his head off.

I took my place in the Mercedes with my parents. I drowned out their conversation with thoughts of my future. My mom kept glancing back at me with a concerned expression, but she had finally come to know that asking me what was wrong would be the wrong question right now. She knew what was wrong. I would have thought she would be grinning from ear-to-ear. She got her way. I was leaving for California alone and without a ring on my finger. I was leaving without a commitment from Jack and without any hope of his joining me in California. Certainly, she felt bad that Ted had experienced a heart attack, but she must have reveled in the idea that Jack was now committed to the family farm and not her daughter.

I channeled all these thoughts into anger to rid myself of the broken-hearted pain I was feeling. When we arrived at the airport I huffed about how ridiculous it was that we had arrived so early.

“Well, it’s not like this is a big city. I think the whole,
arrive two hours early thing
is stupid for an airport this size,” I spat the words.

I threw my carry-on bag into a chair and plopped myself into it, crossing my arms around my chest. I was acting horribly juvenile and I knew it, but I couldn’t help myself. I felt disappointed, hurt, and angry. I began to think about Brooke or Mandy making their moves on Jack now that I was leaving, which caused me to stomp off to the restroom and cry. I should have tried to enjoy my last moments with my parents, but finding happiness was impossible.

Since my parents couldn’t go any further, I suggested we say our goodbyes. As usual, I hugged my mom first and saved my dad for last. He looked pitifully sad for me. As I was hugging him, I looked over his shoulder and saw a body running quickly in our direction.

“Jack?” I sniffed back a tear. I rubbed my eyes. I thought he was an illusion. I released my dad’s hold and ran in his direction. “Jack. What are you doing here?”

He was out of breath and he seemed a little nervous as he slid to a halt.

“Addy, I couldn’t let you leave without seeing you one last time.” He looked over at my parents. I imagined he was gauging their reaction. Thankfully, Dad grabbed Mom by the elbow and guided her away from us so we could have some privacy. “Addy. I love you. I didn’t give you the type of good-bye kiss I wanted to. I couldn’t let you leave without doing this first…” He grabbed me, pulling me in for a long, hard, passionate kiss that nearly knocked my socks off.

When we broke away, I continued to hug him. “I love you, Jack,” I whispered in his ear.

He whispered back, “I love you, too, and Addy…I’ll try to cross that bridge.”

33. Sacrifice

It was a very interesting start to my sophomore year in college. Although Sheridan was pledging to a sorority, she was trying to maintain a friendship with me. It didn’t take her long to call and ask me to go out with her to the first fraternity party of the year. She had her eyes on a new guy. I secretly wished my relationship with her would just go away but when you have invested years into someone, you just don’t give up. I kept hoping she’d mature or have a life changing event that would make her more enjoyable to be around. Without so much as one dream, I could predict the future of Sheridan’s sophomore year in college—party, date, socialize, forget to study, party some more—that was Sheridan McCall. I couldn’t live with her; I couldn’t live without her.

What I had not predicted was finding the door to my dorm room wide open when I returned from dinner one evening during the first week of school. I had just finished texting Jack. I smiled in satisfaction that I had finally talked that boy into getting a cell phone, but discovering a stranger in my room made my smile quickly fade. I approached slowly, imagining who was in my room and why they were there. I stopped outside the door, listening to the activity, which was only some thumping and humming. With each step, I remembered last year when I had left myself alone with Harrison. I grimaced at the thought and my stomach lurched.

As I reached the doorway, I saw a small-framed girl with auburn hair that was pulled into a braided ponytail. She was rummaging through a suitcase that I immediately recognized was not mine. Being cautious, I barely entered the doorway.

“Um, excuse me? Can I help you?” I kept myself at a safe distance.

She jumped and flipped around in surprise. She held her hand over her heart. “You scared the crap out of me!” she exclaimed.

“Sorry, but you scared me first. This is my room so again, can I help you?” I repeated the question. I was sure I looked confused. I looked around the room to see if she was alone, even checking behind the door.

She extended her hand to me and said, “Hi. I’m Kate, Kate Jensen. I’m your new roommate.”

“My new roommate?” I asked as I slowly entered the room and accepted her handshake.

“They didn’t tell you? I’m so sorry. I thought you knew. I decided to transfer a little late but they were able to get me in and you’re the only single in the dorm.”

I stared in blank disappointment. I had been so excited to have the room to myself this year.

“You look upset,” said Kate.

“I’m sorry. I’m just surprised. I thought I had the room to myself.” I finally remembered my manners. “I’m Adelaide. Adelaide Davis.”

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Adelaide.”

“You can call me, Addy.”

“Cool. Addy it is then.”

Kate turned around to resume her unpacking. She may have been sorry, but she wasn’t leaving.

“So where are you from Kate?” I asked.

“I’m from a very small town in North Dakota.”

I bit my lower lip to suppress a laugh. I wanted to joke that North Dakota wasn’t actually a state people hailed from. All I could think of was North Dakota jokes. She read my mind.

“Go ahead. Lay it on me. I’ve probably heard every North Dakota joke there is,” she said. “In fact, have you heard the one about the North Dakotan who broke his arm while raking leaves?”

“No,” I replied.

“He fell out of the tree.”

I laughed.

“Do you know why the North Dakotan drove around the block twenty-four times?” asked Kate.

“No. Why?”

“Because his blinker was stuck.”

I laughed again.

“Now, have you heard the one…”

I cut her off. “Okay, okay, I get it. You’ve heard ‘em all. Sorry.” I offered an apologetic smile.

“It’s okay. I’m used to it. I don’t care.” She seemed genuine and I think she meant every word. She didn’t care. Not in a mean way, just in a way that said she was comfortable with herself and where she came from. She was who she was and if I didn’t like, I was probably missing out.

I walked over and helped her pull clothing from her suitcase and placed it into the dresser. I now felt a twinge of guilt for all of my historical
one horse town
comments. Those must have hurt my new friends. It made me realize how much I missed not only Jack, but Zeek, Sallie and especially Claire.

“So where are you from, Addy?” asked Kate.

“I’m from here. I’m from California.” I replied with a knee jerk reaction, without so much as a thought of being from Blue River.

“Like, from San Diego?”

“Yep. Born and raised.”

“Then why the heck do you live in the dorms?”

“Well, my parents are in Montana right now.”

Kate looked up from what she was doing.

“Montana? I love Montana!”

I chuckled. “Let me guess. You think it’s God’s country, too.”

She laughed. “Well, I wouldn’t say that. In fact, do you know why North Dakota is so windy?”

“No.”

“Because Montana sucks!” She laughed at her joke. “I’m just teasing. I tend to be loyal to my own state, but I do have some family in Montana. I love it there. In what part of Montana do your parents live?”

I suddenly felt sad talking about Montana. It made me realize my loved ones really were all in Montana.

“They live around Middleburg. Actually, they live in a small town about forty minutes from Middleburg. It’s called Blue River,” I replied.

“Oh, yeah, I’ve heard of Blue River.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I have.”

“That’s surprising.”

“Well, not really, like I said, I have family in Montana.”

“Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Actually, Kate…” I succumbed to my feelings of guilt. I needed to make a confession. “I finished my senior year of high school there.”

Kate’s brown eyes looked at me thoughtfully for a moment. “I see…you could
almost
say you’re from Montana, but you don’t want to. I get it. Small towns aren’t anything to brag about, right?” She went back to unloaded her belongings onto the only available dresser.

“Oh, I’m not embarrassed. I just don’t consider myself a Montanan.”

Kate just nodded and smiled. Our conversation fell silent.

“Well, I guess I’ll leave you to it.” I pointed to her suitcase. “I have a friend I’m going out with tonight. See you later? I mean, unless you want to go with me. Do you want to go out with us?”

“Oh, no. I’d rather settle in, but thanks for the offer. I’m sure I’ll be here when you get back. We can get to know each other more then, if you want,” she offered.

“Yeah, I’d like that,” I replied as I hurried myself together—one last touch of makeup, a change of clothes and I was ready. I wondered if I would be uncomfortable rooming with someone I didn’t know, but Kate was making me feel completely at ease. In fact, she somewhat reminded me of Claire.

I took the short walk to the Kappa Beta Sigma house and found Sheridan waiting for me outside on the front lawn. She looked excited.

She ran to me, grabbing both of my hands, “Guess who’s already asking about you!” Sheridan asked enthusiastically.

I let out a heavy sigh. “Dude, I don’t care who is asking about me.”

She stepped back and released my hands, “Did you just call me
dude
?”

“Yeah. Sorry. I must be missing Aaron.”

“Ugh. Who would miss
that
freak?”

“Hey. Despite everything, he’s my brother, so go easy okay? I’m the only one who gets to call him names.”

“Yeah, whatever and I still blame him for your move and all these other changes that have come over you as a result.” By changes I knew she meant Jack. I glared at her and she ignored it. “Now, let’s get inside so I can start getting a good buzz,” suggested Sheridan as she pulled me into the fraternity house.

I was certain she was looking for her latest victim, which was confirmed when she cried out, “Phillip! Over here!” A huge smile came across her face and she waved her arms to get his attention. He was an attractive guy, of course. He waved her over to him. I felt sorry for him. Sheridan was a man eater and Phillip had no idea the dangerous lair he was about to enter. She took off in his direction and this time, she didn’t bother to pull me along with her, which relieved me.

I checked my cell phone. Jack hadn’t called but he did return my text message. He told me to have fun, be careful, and to remember that I should hold Sheridan’s hair back when she starts to puke. I laughed. Only Jack would be considerate about someone he actually despised. I was lost in thought when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

“Hey, Australia.”

I turned around to see a familiar face. “Hey! Missouri, right?” I replied.

“That’s right.” We both laughed and shook hands. I remembered meeting Branson at the beginning of last year thanks to Sheridan’s magnetic pull to the fraternity booths at freshman orientation. It was amusing to both of us that we had both been named after cities. He was attractive and seemed nice but was not my type.

“So you remember me?” asked Branson. He actually didn’t seem surprised I remembered him, which reminded me of how he had struck me as a confident guy the first time we met.

“Yeah. Of course. How are you?” I slipped my phone into my back pocket.

“I’m good. I’m real good.”

“Junior year, right?” I asked.

“Yep.”

Branson and I talked for a while. It was refreshing to have a conversation with a frat guy who didn’t have the sole goal of shoving drinks in my hand in hopes of intoxicating me to eventually get me up to his bed. I looked over at Sheridan. She’d been a willing player of that game on way too many occasions.

I usually hated it when I gave in to Sheridan’s request to go to these parties, but Branson was actually making it enjoyable. He kept making jokes about sorority girls and even a few fraternity jokes. It was great that he could poke fun at his own affiliations, which reminded me of Kate making her funny North Dakota jokes earlier. I now wished she had wanted to join me but on the other hand, I was fairly certain mixing Kate with Sheridan would prove to be a bad “cocktail.”

When I could no longer stand watching Sheridan chug beer after beer and dance on a coffee table while frat boys threw dollar bills at her, I excused myself for the evening.

“Well, Branson.” I placed my soda on a table. “It’s been a pleasure, but I think I’ll go now.”

“Let me walk you to your dorm.”

“Oh, that’s not necessary.”

“Oh, yes it is. Last year some jerk tried to rape a girl in her dorm room. All fraternity reputations took a hit from that asshole’s stupid stunt so I insist on being a gentleman. Let me make sure you get home safe.” His words made me feel sick—
some jerk tried to rape a girl
.
The jerk was Harrison and that girl was me.

“Well, who’s to say
you’re
not the rapist,” I replied.

He laughed. “Oh, come on, Australia. I wouldn’t hurt you. Besides, I heard this guy’s dad is a lawyer with some high-up connections so he only got probation and then he left town so he could reinvent himself. Besides, you can tell I’m a good guy, right?”