My Blue River (45 page)

I hoped my face wasn’t giving anything away.
I am literally about to vomit. I don’t want to hear Harrison only got probation
. Branson might think Harrison left town but I wasn’t certain that was true. I didn’t want to re-live that moment of my life but this conversation was forcing just that and it made me shudder. I also didn’t want to be someone else’s victim. I didn’t listen to my instincts about Harrison. With Harrison, I was uncomfortable the moment I opened my dorm room door that night. I learned a valuable lesson from that experience —I learned about instincts. I learned about feelings that give you a warning—that inner voice that told me of eminent danger.

“Umm…yeah…I have a feeling you’re a good guy,” I finally responded.

That inner voice now told me it was safe to accept Branson’s offer. He walked me back to my dorm and to the door of my room without so much as a hand hold attempt. He didn’t try to kiss me. He seemed to truly want my friendship and nothing more. I felt relieved. I also felt a little excited that I might be making a new friend.

“So hey, you want to grab a movie sometime—maybe a two dollar movie at the Student Union Building?”

My heart sunk.
Crap! Am I wrong? Does he want more than friendship?

“Umm…Branson. I kinda-sorta have a boyfriend and to be honest, my heart is taken.”

“Oh…no…sorry…I mean, totally just as friends.”
I’ve heard that one before
. I heard it from Jack two years ago when he asked Aaron and me to go to The Barn. We ended up being unable to take our eyes off of each other and falling in love. I smiled at that thought then quickly refocused on the conversation at hand. I wasn’t sure what to say and I certainly kept him wondering what my answer would be.

“I’ll think about it, okay?” I finally replied.

“So is your guy a jealous guy or something?” asked Branson.

“Oh, it’s not that, it’s just…well…it’s complicated.”

How could I explain that Jack was the love of my life, but I had left him behind without any clarity as to whether we were actually a couple? How could I explain I spent every day either calling him, texting him, or emailing him? I had no desire to date; but I didn’t desire an entirely lonely, painful year either. I wanted friends—I needed friends. I had obviously lost Sheridan to the party life. I had no one else. Maybe Kate would be a friend; maybe she wouldn’t.

Branson easily gave up. “Well, maybe I’ll look you up sometime,” he said as he waved and walked away.

He was halfway down the hall when I called to him. “Branson!” He stopped and turned around to face me. “A two dollar movie. We could do that sometime.”

He smiled. “Awesome. I’ll call you.”

I gave him my number and he quickly entered it into his cell phone contact list. We said our good-byes again and I entered the room to find Kate sitting on her bed reading a book.

“Oh, hey. I didn’t think you’d still be up,” I whispered even though she was wide awake.

She shut her book and lay back on her pillow. “I can’t sleep.” She groggily rubbed her eyes. It was one o’clock in the morning, which with factoring in the time change, was really three o’clock for her. I felt bad because if she was still awake at this hour then she must be having a hard time being away from home.

“Wanna talk?” I asked. Although I was dog tired, she looked like she needed a friend.

We spent about an hour exchanging stories. She told me her entire family was from either Montana or North Dakota. They were what was referred to as a “tight knit” family. Listening to her talk about family, love, and loyalties was only making me miss Jack and my family more. Her family sounded a lot like Jack’s and to some degree, my own. I suddenly felt guilty for telling Branson I would go to a movie. Even though I knew it wasn’t an actual date, if the tables had been turned, I would have had a stroke. I would never be comfortable with Jack going out with anyone other than Claire, even if it were just as friends.
I can’t even handle him playing pool with Brooke!

That led us to a conversation about Jack. Kate was easy to talk to so I told her everything about the “Jack and Addy Saga” from beginning to now.

She said, “I can’t wait to put a face with the name. You’ll have to show me a picture sometime.”

“I will.”

“Thanks, Addy.”

“For what?”

“For making me feel comfortable. I think I can sleep now.”

“You mean for boring you into sleep?” I gave a weak laugh.

“You weren’t boring at all.”

I smiled in the darkness. Kate was no Sheridan—thank God. “’Night, Kate.”

“’Night, Addy.”

********

I was in a rose garden and everything felt peaceful as I smelled the roses. I went to each rose bush and touched the petals. Their scent was intoxicating. I leaned in for a long whiff but fell through the center of the rose. I kept falling, never hitting the ground. The screeching sound of twisted metal hurt my ears as did the sound of crying children. I seemed to tumble over and over, endlessly, until I nearly vomited from the nausea.

********

Weeks had passed and the month of October was upon us. Kate had made a small group of friends and they were going on an overnight trip. She decided to ditch her last two classes. I thought that sounded like a good idea. She was leaving today for Disneyland and I was leaving tomorrow for Montana. I wanted to spend my birthday with Jack. My dad was all too happy to foot the bill for an airline ticket if it meant getting me back to Montana.

It was fun to watch Kate’s childlike excitement about her trip to the “Happiest Place on Earth.” As she finished packing, I dug through my wallet for my favorite picture of Jack. I had completely forgotten until this moment that I had promised to show her a picture of him so she could put a face with the name.

“As promised.” I held out the picture for her to see.

She looked up from her suitcase. Her mouth fell open and her brown eyes popped wide-open. “Uff-da! Are you freakin’ insane?” she asked.

Her response confused me and my head snapped back in surprise. “Excuse me?”

“This is Jack? And you left him behind?” It made sense now.
It’s her commentary on how attractive he is.
I laughed as I thought to myself she was making a North Dakota compliment.

“Seriously. Jack is
hot
—
smokin’ hot.
I can’t believe you left him.”

“Well, I didn’t
leave
him. Remember, he was thinking about coming with me, but then his dad had a heart attack.” I attempted to defend myself.

“Montana has at least two awesome major universities.” Kate held up two fingers for emphasis. “Two, Addy. From the way you talk about him and by the looks of him, if I were you, I’d run back to Montana on foot if I had to.”

“You would?”

“Yah y'betch yah.”

I chuckled. Kate had funny North Dakota-isms.

“We trust each other. It has taken a long time to get to this point of trust, but I think we’re finally there,” I insisted.

Really, I had only come to that realization in the last few days, but it was true. I knew I could trust Jack. I stared at his photo, tracing a finger over his face. The picture was taken on a path in Acker’s Canyon in the midst of autumn, just before we reached the top of Castle Peak Falls. It was when we shared our first kiss. I smiled as I looked down at his beautiful face.

“Ya know, I just have to ask. Why have you been going out with Branson when you have Jack?” she asked.

It struck me as an odd question. I thought she understood. I suddenly felt slightly irritated at the implication of infidelity.
Then again, are we even back together?

“Branson and I are not
dating
and if you’ll recall, I have only been going out in large groups. Groups that you have been a part of, my friend. Besides, I made it clear to Branson I wasn’t available and I really believe his intentions are purely…honorable…if you know what I mean.”

The night I told Branson I would go to a movie at the Student Union building had made me feel guilty—even though I knew it was only as friends. I later told him I would only go out in groups. Those groups sometimes included Sheridan and on a few occasions, they included Kate. Just as I had imagined, the tension between Sheridan and Kate grew until it became a volcanic eruption. The night Kate told Sheridan her over-inflated ego made her downright ugly was the last time Kate went out with us.

Kate responded, “Yes, I have been a part of those groups. That’s how I know you’re overlooking Branson’s intentions. He looks at you like—I don’t know—like he has feelings for you, and hey, I’m not into girls, but even I can see that you’re gorgeous and to round it all out, you have an amazing personality and despite being blond, you actually have a brain.
Mr. Innocent
is probably really
Mr.
I want to get in your pants
. Get real, Addy.”

I laughed.
I so adore Kate
. She was blunt and honest, but in a completely opposite way from Sheridan. Her honesty was raw in a way that revealed truth. Sheridan’s “honesty” was to inflict pain on those around her and usually stemmed from some spark of jealousy. I grinned as I visualized Kate chewing Sheridan up and spitting her out.

Sheridan’s knock at the door interrupted our great debate.

“Kate,” Sheridan said curtly as she entered the room.

“Sheridan. Sorry I can’t stay and visit—oh, wait a minute. No, I’m
not
sorry.” Kate winked at me and said, “See you later, gator!”

“Have fun being a kid again,” I said.

“Thanks!”

The minute she left the room Sheridan said exactly what I thought she would, “Ugh. I can’t stand her. Does it smell like a cowgirl in here or what?” She pinched her nose.

“I think she’s pretty.”

“You would. You’ve been converted to that small town way of thinking,” said Sheridan as she prowled the room, occasionally picking up an item of Kate’s with her thumb and index finger, as if it were covered in filth, wrinkling her nose in disgust. “So where’s she from again?”

“You KNOW where she’s from. She’s from North Dakota.”

Sheridan burst into laughter.

“Oh. Stop it. She’s nice. I like her.”

“Hmpf,” was all Sheridan could offer. “Get your skinny ass ready. We’re going to breakfast,” she demanded.

“Oh, really? Where?” I asked.

“My parents want to take us to some fancy restaurant on a pier for your birthday.”

“My birthday isn’t for another few days.”

“Yes, but since you insist on flying back to
Hillbilly Ville
to celebrate it, you and I need to celebrate today. The celebration begins with a breakfast with my parents, and later, we’ll party with Branson and Phillip.

“And lots of other people, too, right? I’m not double dating. I don’t date, remember,” I said sternly.

“Yeah. Sure. Whatever. I invited a bunch of people…except for North Dakota.”

“Doesn’t matter. She just left for Disneyland, remember?”

With thick sarcasm Sheridan said, “Oh, good. I was feeling so incredibly guilty about my lack of invitation.”

With equal sarcasm I said, “Oh, Sheridan. You’re just so thoughtful. It’s heartwarming, really.” I stood and walked to the door, “I need to use the bathroom before we leave. I’ll be right back.”