My Blue River (52 page)

My eyebrows shot up. I wondered for half a second if I was fantasizing the entire moment and pinched myself.

Jack reeled me back into reality. “Addy? Did you hear me?”

“Huh? I mean, yeah, I heard you. What about, Hannah?” I asked.

“If you gave me one fragment of hope, I would end it with her.” He looked hopeful as he waited for my response.

I said nothing. His words were shocking and I was still trying to decide if this was real or fantasy. I knew in my heart it was real and wanted to blurt out “Yes, Jack. Anything for you!” but before I could respond, Hannah was tapping at the door and although Jack was still looking at me, hoping I would respond, it wasn’t the time or the place to finish this conversation.

I mouthed the words “later” to him. He nodded in understanding.

I stood up and said, “Well, I am relieved to see you in one piece.” He had cuts and bruises, but otherwise looked good. Thank God his beautiful face hadn’t been touched by any wound that wouldn’t heal. I couldn’t say the same thing about my heart. “I’ll be by tomorrow, okay?” I turned to the adorable “rodeo queen” and extended my hand, “Nice to meet you, Hannah.”

“You, too Addy,” she replied as we shook hands. She eyed me suspiciously and her grip was firm. If I hadn’t known better, I would’ve thought she was trying to intimidate me, but that impression was so directly opposite of her appearance and demeanor that I dismissed it. Her eyes darted back and forth between me and Jack. She had to have felt the tension in the air because it was thick as smoke.

I turned to walk away, but stopped for a final look. My head was still buzzing from what Jack had just said,
“If you gave me one fragment of hope, I would end it with her”
—
the words were still running through my mind.
What would I do? What would I say? He needs an answer.
I gave one final wave then left the room as quickly as my legs would carry me. I didn’t want either of them to see my pained expression.

I left the hospital and stood outside, tears streaming down my face, suddenly realizing I didn’t have a car. I fished my cell phone from my purse and hit speed dial number 2—Mom. She was already on her way, suspecting I needed her when she couldn’t get through to prepare me for the news of Hannah. All the calls I had ignored from my mom were to warn me and I now wished I had answered the phone.

I didn’t even need time to ponder my decision. I knew what I would have to tell Jack, whether I really wanted to or not. I would tell him that it was my turn to let go and that I now knew Hannah was a better fit for him than me.
I love him enough to let him go
. After all, she was a Montana girl. I remembered the rodeo Jack and I had gone to, when I visualized him with a woman just like Hannah. It all made sense now. It wasn’t one of my confusing dreams, but it didn’t matter. I couldn’t stop those from happening any more than I could stop this.
It would never work
. I just had to keep reminding myself, over and over
, it would never work
. I would make the greatest sacrifice of my life. I would give Jack up and he would find happiness with someone else.

********

When I returned to Blue River, I realized I needed to know Hannah wouldn’t be at the hospital in the morning so I called Jack. He was excited that I wanted to visit him in the morning. He joked that I should bring him a Cattle Club steak because hospital food sucked, carefully avoiding our eminent discussion.

After calling him to make sure we would have time alone in the morning, I cried myself to sleep and even then, it was a fitful sleep, plagued with frequent tossing and turning. When morning arrived, I wondered if I had even slept at all. I stared at the monster in the mirror. The tortuous night of crying had left me looking completely unrecognizable. My eyes were puffy and what you could see of the whites of my eyes was now red and blood shot. I was reliving exactly the way I felt right about this time last year.
This has to end.

I tried to improve my appearance so I wouldn’t enter his room looking distraught, but he would take one look at me and know I wasn’t there to tell him what he wanted to hear. He wanted to say I would never leave but I knew I couldn’t utter that sentence. I had the sinking feeling that even if I said I would return after graduation, that wouldn’t be soon enough for him and he’d still give me an ultimatum.
If only Jack would wait for me
, but I knew it was selfish of me to ask that of him. He wanted marriage and a family and those were two things I wasn’t even sure I wanted anymore—at least not at this point in my life.

I shook my head in dismay, giving up on any attempt for physical improvements.
Nothing is going to help this face today
. I put my clothes on and left. I didn’t bother with breakfast; I would have thrown it up anyway. I sat in my truck for a long time, staring at the key in the ignition, almost unable to start the engine. My premonitions were useless. It would have been nice to know I’d be faced with this moment—this gut-wrenching decision. Had I known, I would have never come back.

I finally started the car and headed for Middleburg. Every goodbye with Jack was miserable, but this would now go down in history as the worst goodbye ever. There would never be another happy moment between us. As I pondered what my words would be, the next thing I knew, I had arrived at St. Mary’s Hospital. I sat in my truck, trying to gather the strength to go inside, wanting to believe there was hope for us. But each time I ran through the possible scenarios that would lead to a successful relationship, I simply couldn’t find one. We were both too stubborn. I shut my burning eyes and lay my head on the steering wheel.
I have to do this. I have to let Jack go.
Hannah was the perfect match for him and she would make him happy. There was no denying that fact. She was probably ready to marry Jack tomorrow and have ten of his kids. I gripped the steering wheel and gave it a slight pound with my forehead. It was time to face the inevitable.

Although we had all morning alone, it wouldn’t take long to deliver the crushing blow. I slowly walked into the hospital, entered the elevator and took the ride to the fifth floor. It felt like a scene in a movie as I walked to Jack’s room—a scene without a happy ending.
I hate this movie.

I tapped on the door and entered. I immediately looked down, unable to meet his gaze. When I finally managed to raise my head, Jack’s glistening brown eyes met mine. There was a near audible shatter of his heart as he turned his face away from mine and looked out his window. It felt like an automatic reaction I, too, looked away.

Jack broke the silence first. “Come here, Addy. Please,” he patted the free space on his bed.

I walked to his bed, choking back tears. As I sat down by his side my lips began to tremble. I felt his hand on mine and lost all resolute to be strong and brave. The tears flowed freely like a broken water faucet and my body shook with each sob.

“Why can’t we fix this?” he asked in a whisper.

I sniffed and shook my head. If I were to be honest with him and with myself, I would have said, “Because I’m a stubborn idiot. I’m selfish and it took too much out of me to get over you once before and if it doesn’t work out I’ll never survive the pain of losing you again. Because I’m too proud to admit that I’m afraid.” I couldn’t utter a single one of those words as emotion strangled my ability to speak.

Jack sniffed and wiped away a tear. He said, “It’s okay. I’ll be okay. I guess we knew this day would come, right?” He didn’t really wait for my response. “Come here,” he pulled me close, guiding my head to rest upon his chest. As I listened to his heartbeat, I thought at any moment I would hear it stop beating.

I finally mumbled, “I love you, Jack. I truly do love you and I know with certainty, I will never love anyone like I love you.”

“I know you do. I feel the same way. But like we’ve said before, we just met at the wrong time and the wrong place. Love just isn’t enough for us, I guess.” His voice cracked as he spoke. “I always thought it would be, I really did, but I was wrong.”

I pressed myself up to peer into his eyes. I wiped a runaway droplet from the side of his face and moved up for a kiss, but decided it wasn’t right. But Jack did. He wrapped his only free hand around me and pulled me in. It wasn’t passionate, but more of a lingering kiss that said, “goodbye.”

I pulled back and stared at his face, scanning every angle, trying to capture everything about him. Mentally, I tucked it into the part of my mind reserved for special memories. The memories that were good, yet painful, and would only be pulled from the vault on special occasions, or when a broken heart dreams. I wanted to launch into some type of speech that could somehow make this better for both of us, but there was no speech eloquent enough to take away this type of pain.

“Hannah is a lucky woman,” I said, which seemed like a really stupid statement considering I had just thrown away my chance to be that lucky woman. He offered a faint smile.

He opened his mouth to speak then quickly snapped his jaw shut. We both knew there was nothing left to say. I stood and very slowly and very reluctantly released his hand, trying to memorize the feel of his skin as my hand slipped away from his. I walked backwards to the door, not wanting to miss a second of our last moment together.

“Goodbye, Jack.”

“Goodbye, Addy.

I left the room and sprinted for the elevator. Tears poured over my cheeks as I ran out of the hospital and quickly into the safety of my car. I fell over onto the seat and sobbed until I could sob no more.

********

Jack’s Journal

Wednesday, March 20

It finally happened. It ended. WE ended. It’s really, truly, finally, over with Addy and it’s even more painful than how I imagined. I knew she would come to the hospital today looking a total wreck (and she did) and unable to say what I needed her to say (and she couldn’t).

Her dad told me seven months ago he knew his daughter would finish what she started. His exact words were, “she’s a stubborn one.” Unfortunately, she started her life plan long before she met me. He also told me she feels pressured to live up to her mom’s expectations and that now she was feeling some guilt about something with her mom (which I know nothing about) and he thinks that’s what keeps her so driven to graduate from UCSD. Well, her drive and ambition took us from bent to broken. She doesn’t see that she can have it both ways. She really could. I lead with my heart and she leads with her head.

I’ll never put my Gramma Abigail’s engagement ring on her finger. Hell, I haven’t even put the promise ring I bought her on that finger. After all these years, it still sits in my desk drawer. But I’ll never put my Gramma’s ring on Hannah’s finger either. What do I do? Hannah won’t wait forever and she won’t play second fiddle to Addy. I’ve been so unfair to Hannah. She brings up marriage and I manage to avoid the subject. The guilt of not loving her like I love Addy has been too much to deal with and I know I really need to make it up to her but right now I can’t think of that. I feel like I’m grieving a death. I guess I am. I just saw my life with Addy pass away when she backed out the door today.

Part of me wanted to just close my eyes and say, “Tell me when it’s over,” but I was glad she didn’t turn around to leave until the last possible moment. I’m still lying here trying to re-capture as much as I can—the feel of her skin, the scent of her hair, her blue eyes—I can still smell her perfume on my hospital gown. I can’t stop the tears. I feel like an idiot, but I’m so overcome with emotion that I had to ask the nurse for another box of tissue. She was concerned I was in pain and offered me more pain meds, which I gladly accepted. Maybe that’ll help. My arms literally ache to hold her just one more time.

39. Re-Birth

My dad warned me this day would come. Jack had become
the one who got away
and I now felt deep regret as I stared down at the wedding invitation I had just received in the mail.

Mr. and Mrs. Parker are pleased to announce

the marriage of their daughter,

Hannah Rose

to

Jackson A. Cooper

I stopped reading
. I can’t read any more. Why had I insisted that no one was allowed to keep me briefed on the happenings of Jack?
But this was the big one—this was the big event for which my dad decided the rules must be broken. He sent me the invitation along with a note that read,
“I thought you would want to know. You would find out someday anyway.”

A picture fell out and floated to the ground. I picked it up and slowly turned it over, knowing I would hate what I was about to see. Jack looked perfectly adorable despite how his arms were wrapped around Hannah’s waist. I traced his face with my finger and hated to admit he looked happy. Hannah was the beautiful, country pixie I remembered her to be.
Why does her middle name have to be Rose? My favorite flower—really?
It made her that much more perfect.
I suppose they’ll get married in a rose garden, too, just to pour salt on my wound.
It had been five months since I met Hannah in Jack’s hospital room.
Well, he didn’t waste any time
, I thought to myself, but really, I knew I was being ridiculous.

I clenched my fist around the invitation, crumpling it into a tiny ball. I tossed it in the direction of the trash can, but missed. I picked it up, tossed it again and still missed. I tried one more time and when I missed, I kicked the trash can, leaving a dent in its side.
How had I let this happen? He loves me!

Jack obviously loved Hannah, too, or this wouldn’t be happening. He wasn’t the type of guy to enter into marriage without regard for the seriousness of the commitment.
This is my fault!
How many chances had there been for me to fix this?
I didn’t know. I had lost track there had been so many. I could have turned this around, specifically, at the hospital when Jack said he would give up his relationship with Hannah just to be with me. It wasn’t his fault I was conflicted between my love for him and a commitment to the goals I had made long before I met him. I had come to believe there would be no way to blend our worlds and that eventually, our relationship would fail anyway.

I flung myself onto the bed and let the tears fall until I skipped to the point of rage, putting my pillow on my head, yelling at the top of my lungs.
That felt better—no, I’m wrong
. I didn’t feel better. Nothing was going to make me feel better. What began as weeping transformed into sobs that wracked my entire body.

Once again, I was asking myself why I had been so incredibly arrogant.
Why did I think he would just be mine forever when I was the one who let him go?
I felt physically ill.

I wished Kate hadn’t gone home to North Dakota, but school had ended months ago. It was now August. I felt so alone and empty inside that I resorted to calling my parents. I began by sarcastically thanking them for the “hate mail.” They ignored my sarcasm and offered their condolences as if someone had died, which was exactly how I felt. The family I dreamed of having with Jack had just been thrown in the trash can. They tried to comfort me, but I had the distinct impression my dad wanted to say “I told you so.” For once, he and Mom switched roles and she was now the sensitive one. There was really nothing any of us could say so I mumbled “goodbye” and hung up.

Hours had passed by when the telephone rang. I jump in anticipation, irrationally thinking it could be Jack calling to say he would give me one last chance and this time, I would take it.

“Hi, Sweetie,” said Mom. “You feel better yet?”

My heart sunk from the disappointment. “Why would I feel better? Of course I don’t,” I snapped at her. She was silent which made me realize the sincerity of her concern for me. I changed my tone. “But thanks for worrying about me, Mom,” I actually felt bad for snapping at her.

“Addy, I think…I think it’s time we had a talk.”

“About?”
Holy crap! More family secrets?

“About…first loves…loves lost, things of that nature.”

“Why in the world would we have that talk, Mom?”

“Because I understand better than you think I do and honestly, I think I’ve contributed to you and Jack’s breakup.”

I let out a heavy sigh. “Mom, I’m exhausted, I’m emotionally spent, and honestly, I have no idea what you’re talking about so can we just do this another time?”

There was a really long pause. I began walking back and forth, waiting for her to say something. The pause was so long I thought maybe she changed her mind about our talk but then she said, “Addy, I once had a first love…someone I loved so much, that…I wore his ring and was ready to take his last name.”
 

I stopped dead in my tracks. She had my attention.
Mom was at one point engaged to someone other than Dad?
I didn’t speak, but she knew I wanted her to continue.

“When I was in high school, I was in love with a boy named…Arthur.”

I laughed. “Arthur? Are you kidding me? Did you make up that name to protect the innocent?”

She laughed. “No, that’s really his name. Arthur and I dated throughout most of high school and on graduation night, on a beach in California, he asked me to marry him and I said yes. He even had a ring. It wasn’t a very big diamond but it didn’t matter, because it came from him. From that moment on, we were officially engaged and I thought our love would last forever.”

“So what happened? Why isn’t my dad’s name, Arthur?”

“Your Grampa Stewart had a stroke when I told him about our engagement. He would have nothing to do with me marrying at such a young age. My dad had a lot of plans for me and none of them included Arthur. He was relentless in his efforts to break us up and I finally cracked from the pressure. I broke off our engagement, went away to college, and to this day, I wonder. I wonder if that had been the right thing to do. Oh sure, Arthur and I kept in touch for a while after I went away to college, but it was never the same and eventually, he gave up on the idea that I would change my mind. He finally met and married someone else. Still today, I wonder where he is and what he’s doing. I just…wonder…” I could tell she trailed off in thought.
I bet she’s picturing Arthur’s face right now. I would if it were me.

“Holy crap, Mom! Do you regret marrying Dad? Is that what this is about?” I actually felt a little weird about what I thought she was telling me. I was torn between, “
Please go on
,” and
“Dear, Lord, please make her stop talking!”

Just then it hit me; my mom finally made sense to me. She wasn’t a cyborg; she was a real person who had loved and lost. She knew exactly what I was feeling because she’d had an entire life before there was a Bill, or an Addy, or an Aaron.

“No! No, Addy, please know that I love your dad. I love you and Aaron. I love my life, I do. Even though we’ve had some rough patches, to this day, I have no regrets. But when there are those interfering forces that make a relationship end without the chance of closure, it’s just…difficult…to move on. It’s hard not to wonder about all of the “what ifs?” I didn’t end it with Arthur because I no longer loved him or because marriage wasn’t what I wanted. I ended it out of pressure from my dad.”

I was speechless and not for one second could I have predicted her next words.

“Addy, I’m sorry. I am so sorry. I’m the one who put this exact same pressure on you. There were so many times I watched you and Jack and I saw Arthur and I. I saw that your love was real and yet, I couldn’t help but want something different for you. Honestly, part of that is because my life DID turn out so well, even without Arthur. But I now know I’ve made a horrible mistake with you. Now you face losing Jack and I’m so incredibly sorry.”

“Mom, stop.” I heard her sniff. “Please stop saying you’re sorry, besides, in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve already lost him. He’s about to be Hannah’s HUSBAND.” I gagged on my own words.

Should I be angry?
Was this all her fault?
No, it wasn’t her fault because I had the chance to make my own choices, too. It couldn’t completely be the pressure she put on me that forced my choices. It would have been really nice to blame all my choices on the actions of others, but life wasn’t that simple.

“Addy, I know that Arthur wasn’t my forever love. I haven’t slept in days because the guilt is killing me.”

“Mom, what guilt? What are you talking about?”

“Let me just say that after a lot, and I mean a lot, of prayer…I believe…no, I know…Jack
is
your forever love.”

Her words were so raw and so honest that it caused me to suck in a breath. She wasn’t speaking to me as Margaret Stewart Davis, the Psychologist, she was speaking to me as my mom, the woman who had lived life and experienced a young love. She was a woman who knew how it felt to hurt. She was my mom, the woman who knew that Jack was my forever love.

“Addy, you need to fix this.” Her voice sounded urgent.

“What? What do you mean? How can I fix this? Jack is about to get married!”

“I mean, get on a plane and get to that church. Tell Jack you love him and that you’ll come home and spend your life with him.”

“What’s Dad think?” 

“I don’t care what your dad thinks.” She was so shocked by her own knee-jerk response that I heard her hand clap over her mouth. “I mean…to be honest, this has been a sore spot between your dad and I. He’s almost acting like he’s losing a son. He keeps moping around the house, refuses to go to Brody’s or Emmy’s, or even the post office. He has kept his distance from the Cooper’s and spending more time in Middleburg and frankly, he’s acting a bit foolish."

“So you guys don’t know anything about the wedding or Jack and Hannah?”

“No. We got the invite and it sparked an argument, especially when I told your Dad this was your loss, not his. We decided it would be best to keep our distance for a while. We won’t be going to the wedding…but you can.”

“What do you mean
I can
? Why the hell would I go to their wedding?”

“To stop it before it’s too late. Get on a plane and stop Jack from marrying Hannah. If you don’t at least try….you’ll always wonder.”

I was stunned by her words and my mind began to swirl. We talked over the complexities of what I wanted to do, what I should do, and how I would recover from the guilt of hurting Hannah if I chose to do it. She ended with, “sometimes life gets selfish.”

********

As daylight broke through the shades of my dorm room window, it became my dawn of remembrance. I groaned as I slowly raised my head from the pillow. All that crying had left me with a pounding headache. I wasn’t a drinker but I could imagine this was what a hangover felt like.

I fished the invitation out from the trash and spread it out, repeatedly flattening it. I stared at Jack’s face until a lone tear drop hit the paper, forcing me back to reality.

My reality was that I had lost Jack
. Or have I? Is there still hope?
Yes. There was
….there was a fragment of hope. They’re only engaged
.
They’re not yet standing at the altar about to get married
. I felt a surge of energy—a rebirth of will. I might just be intoxicated with love and border line criminally insane, but my mom was right, I had to fix this. She fixed her part with her apology, now I had to fix mine. I had to tell him I loved him and only him. I loved him from the first kiss at Castle Peak Falls through every kiss in between to our last kiss in the hospital. He needed to know I would move back home—
Montana is my home
—and I wouldn’t wait until I graduated.

I called my mom and told her my plans. She told me she would book the flight and that I should start packing. I hung up from her and called a taxi cab, packed a carry-on bag, and once in the cab, I was off to the airport. Mom texted me the flight information on the way. I didn’t know what would happen. I imagined he would still marry beautiful Miss Hannah, but not without knowing how I felt and what I was willing to do. I would leave California for Montana—for him. If I didn’t finish my degree, I didn’t care because I would be with him and that was all that mattered. I would work at Emmy’s or Brody’s Market. I visualized Jack married to Hannah; I visualized running into him at Emmy’s Café or the post office and how he would still look at me with those thoughtful brown eyes. He would still love me and I would love him, but we’d be living separate lives.