My Blue River (47 page)

The parents protested—announcing privacy was unnecessary. Mom’s expression betrayed her words. I could tell she very much wanted a private moment, but didn’t want to upset the others.
Conformity seems to be the part of her personality I never knew existed.

He seemed reluctant but nodded. “Very well, then.” He flipped open a chart in an effort to recall the information then snapped it shut. “I’m sure Sheriff Beatty informed you a blood alcohol level test was performed for the boys. Jeff’s blood alcohol level was .10, above the .08 limit. Aaron had a blood alcohol level of .04. Now as for their current conditions—as of moments ago—they are both conscious and responding to stimuli. Mr. and Mrs. Davis, Aaron has sustained extensive damage to his left arm and his left hand in particular. We have a surgical consult set up for him later this morning. We were able to rule out brain damage, which is actually a miracle in itself.”

Aaron’s left-handed. He’s a left-handed artist at least…he was.

The doctor turned his attentions to Jeff’s parents. “Mr. and Mrs. Mills…” The doctor took a seat by Jeff’s parents. His condition had to be worse because the doctor’s voice and facial expression immediately changed. Jeff’s father visibly stiffened to buffer the blow he was about to receive. Jeff’s mother grabbed her husband’s arm a little tighter.

The doctor continued, “At the present time, Jeff is unable to feel his lower extremities. We’re not certain if this is permanent and we’ve not given up hope. Additional testing is necessary along with a lot of patience but please understand it is quite possible your son is—your son may be paralyzed—permanently.”

Everyone’s face froze. Jeff had been a fairly talented basketball player who probably could have gotten college scholarships. How he hooked up with Aaron was still beyond me. A drug addicted artist and an athlete seemed like an unlikely friendship, but apparently, their love of drugs kept them tight.

No one spoke or moved. You could have heard a pin drop. The doctor didn’t seem to be waiting for a response. He’d obviously been delivering news like this long enough to know that Jeff’s parents needed time to digest it. The doctor said a few other things that no one really seemed to hear then he excused himself. My parents decided we should excuse ourselves as well. As we left the room, we heard Jeff’s mother let out heart-wrenching sobs.

We returned to Aaron’s room to find him awake but groggy. The nurse stated we could only see him one at a time. I quickly volunteered to go last while mom called first dibs. My dad and I stood in silence. For a moment, I thought I would ask about what I had heard in the car and how shocking he and Mom’s conversation was but I decided now wasn’t the time. In all reality, I wasn’t sure I could ever ask. We walked back to the waiting area.

“Dad, I need to call Jack. I need him.”

He simply nodded in understanding and seemed relieved I wasn’t asking questions about the family secret I now knew.

“Can I borrow your cell phone?” He handed it to me and I went outside. I braved the bitter cold, hoping as I dialed the number that the Coopers would forgive my two-thirty in the morning phone call. Clearly, Sharon Cooper was asleep when she answered.

She answered in a muddled, “uhllo?”

“Mrs. Cooper, it’s me, Addy. I’m so, so sorry to wake you, but there’s been an accident.” I spoke rapidly as if that would somehow make it better that I had just taken her out of what was probably blissful sleep but I knew I had her attention. I could hear her body shift and I assumed she had sat up.

“Addy? What happened? Are you okay? Who’s hurt?” She was fully awake now.

“It’s my brother, Aaron. He’s been in a terrible accident with his friends. They’re in the ICU at St. Mary’s in Middleburg. Again, I’m so sorry to wake you, but I really need Jack. I need him to be with me.” My voice quivered and I was on the brink of bursting into tears.

“No problem, Addy. I understand. I’ll get him.”

Moments later, I heard the click of another extension of the telephone line and the click of Sharon hanging her phone up.

“Addy, what happened? My mom said Aaron was hurt,” his voice was urgent.

I fought the lump in my throat. “They were drinking and driving. They flipped off of an embankment. They’re really hurt, Jack. We’re at St. Mary’s.” I paused. I knew this was a lot to ask. “I need you.”

“I’m already there.”

********

I knew Jack had driven entirely too fast because he was at the hospital well before he should have been. He was practically running down the hall. I was eager for him to hold me. I needed him like no other time. Even though Aaron drove me crazy, I loved him. It was killing me to see him so damaged.

“Jack.” His arms were outstretched, ready to embrace me.

“Addy.”

I flung myself into his arms, where he held me tight, holding me so close sheer comfort washed over me. I could feel his love and strength.

“I can’t thank you enough for coming. I—I—” I didn’t even know what to say. How could I explain how I needed him? How could I explain what it meant to me that he came here, even though it was probably an unreasonable request?

“You don’t need to say a word, Addy. I wouldn’t be any other place than here with you right now.”

I let the tears flow. I had witnessed a miracle tonight—Aaron was alive.

35. Breaking Point

I felt guilty for leaving Jack and Aaron. It didn’t help that I believed my parents could have used my help but Aaron wasn’t even home. As soon as he was released from the hospital he entered rehab for his addictions before he could even blink an eye—the place he should have been from the very beginning of his saga. Aaron was also getting physical therapy for his hand injury. Otherwise, he was recovering surprisingly well from his accident. The doctor told my parents that one of the perks of youth was a quick recovery. It was January and winter break had come to an end.

I was stressing out because Jack had been pressuring me to stay and celebrate his birthday, but I knew if I stayed I would miss valuable lectures and fall behind in school. When I wasn’t thinking about that, I was reeling from the knowledge rehab was what my mom had wanted all along but she had given into my dad’s wishes over her son’s needs. I had always felt that something about our move seemed wrong, but I never would have imagined it had anything to do with my dad. I hated leaving without really having a conversation with them about all of this new information. I didn’t even know they had been in marriage counseling. That all changed the minute Dad knocked on my door.

“Hey, princess. Can you take a minute to talk with me?” Dad asked.

My stomach lurched. I knew we needed to have this talk and yet part of me wanted to sweep it under the rug with all of my other problems.

However, I couldn’t refuse my dad’s request. “Sure, Dad.”

“Let’s go for a walk.”

“It’s pretty cold out,” I replied, hoping he would change his mind.
 

“That’s okay. I’ll be quick. Grab a coat.”

We bundled up and trudged out into the yard. He appeared to be guiding me toward the lifeless orchard, or he was simply stalling. I could tell he was uncomfortable. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, seemingly bracing me for his talk.

Dad cleared his throat and began. “So…the conversation you heard in the car…I assume you have questions.”

“Dad. It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about this now.”

The sun was shining brightly and the yard glittered as its rays hit the snow but it was also still really cold.
I just want to go back inside and pretend I never heard Mom and Dad’s conversation.

“I think it’s time you knew a few things.”

“Dad, seriously…” I tried to interrupt but he continued.

“No, Addy. It’s time.”

I let out a heavy sigh of resignation. It was like getting the sex talk all over again. I felt nervous and awkward but it was something I needed to know.

Dad didn’t wait for a response and continued, speaking rather quickly, as if to get it over with. “When you and Aaron were little I was at the height of my career. The money was great and life seemed like it couldn’t get any better. We had a gorgeous home, fancy cars, and traveled the world. There was a lot of pressure to go out with clients and colleagues, and I did it because networking meant more business which meant making more money which meant continuing our lifestyle. I wanted the absolute best for you kids because I had so little when I was young. Your mom had a wealthy upbringing and I didn’t want to disappoint her either.”

I interrupted, “Slow down, Dad. It’s okay. You did what you needed to do to provide for your family. It’s all good. I get it. Let’s go back inside.”

He shook his head, “No, princess. That’s the easy part. The hard part was how drinking became a nightly ritual and it wasn’t just a social drink or two. I was downright drunk every single night. I started taking taxicabs to get home. You and Aaron were so little that you were often in bed before I even got home. Every morning your mom would have to wake you, put you in the car, and we’d have to go get my car that I’d left at a nightclub. You never understood. Your mom and I started to constantly fight about my being absent from the family.”

“Dad…” I knew it was a futile attempt to interrupt. He seemed almost entranced as he reflected on this memory. He didn’t even hear me.

“Eventually, your mom reached her breaking point and got around to the real issue—my addiction. She organized an intervention. I refused to go and moved out for a month.”

I want to puke. I just don’t want to know this because it’s shattering my world—shattering my memories.

I wanted to clap my hands over my ears and hear no more, but I managed a more mature response. “I had no idea. I must have been really little because I don’t remember this.”

“It probably felt no different for you because I was never around anyway. I moved back home, obviously, and begged your mom for another chance and time to recover on my own and I did. Looking back, I have no idea how I did it. The temptation was constantly there. In fact, that’s when I switched jobs. I was working in such a toxic environment and many of my coworkers drank heavily. I couldn’t take it anymore and the new job was better for me. The truth is, your mom and I have been in and out of marital counseling for years and that’s been good for us, but then flash forward to Aaron and…” his words trailed off.

I forgot I wanted to go inside and get warm the minute Dad started to cry. I didn’t know what to do. I always knew Dad was tender-hearted. Seeing him this way was killing me.

“Please forgive me,” he begged.

“Dad…of course I forgive you! All I remember is an amazing childhood with an amazing father. Of course I forgive you! Actually, there’s nothing to forgive.”

I reached out and hugged him. I knew instantly why all this had happened; our move wasn’t just to save Aaron, it was to save our family.

Dad regained his composure. “I’ve been a horrible husband. I let your Mom take the fall and she refused to tell you the truth.”

Now I felt like I needed to ask for Mom’s forgiveness. I had blamed her for everything when in all reality, Aaron hadn’t fallen far from the Dad tree. Mom must have been agonizing over this because even though she was a therapist, she couldn’t help. She had to sit back and watch both Dad and Aaron make horrific and potentially life-changing choices.

“Your Mom has been a saint for putting up with me and…she doesn’t know I’m telling you this. I’ll tell her you know…eventually.”

Now I really feel guilty. I remember saying those exact words about Dad putting up with Mom.

I pulled back and wiped away a tear from Dad’s eye. I looked at him long and hard.

“You’re still my hero, Daddy.”

He pulled me in for a tight hug. I knew he was crying.

“I love you, Dad.”

“Love you, too, princess.”

********

Night had fallen. Jack and I had talked off and on throughout the day and now he was here so we could say our final good-bye.

“I’m sorry I can’t stay,” I said for the fifth time today.

“It’s okay. It’s only my 20
th
birthday,” said Jack sarcastically. I knew he’d rather I stay to celebrate with him, but I couldn’t.

“I’m sorry.” It was now the sixth time today I had apologized.

Jack looked glum. He’d been that way for the last two days. He would avoid being close to me. He didn’t seem to want to be alone with me, seemingly keeping himself at a distance in every possible way. Our kisses had been the kisses of very good friends. He never once tried to be passionate in these last two days. I would ask him what was wrong to which he would reply “Nothing.”

We were now standing at his Jeep for our final goodbye on the eve of my departure. Once again I pressed him for what was on his mind.

“Tell me what’s wrong? You’re worrying me,” I demanded.

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong,” he replied, but his tone told a completely different story.

“Jack, something
is
wrong. You haven’t acted like yourself—
at all
the last few days.”

He started to pace around as he avoided looking me in the eye. I grabbed him by the shoulder and turned him to face me. The full moon showed his face clearly, revealing his eyes were welled with tears. I took a step back.

“Jack. What the hell is going on?” I demanded once more.

“I just…I just…can’t…do this.”

“Do what?” My pulse quickened.

He bit his lower lip. Anguish washed over his face and my stomach lurched in response.

“I can’t let you go again,” he said.

I let out a sigh of relief. “Is that all? Don’t be silly. You’re not
letting me go
.” I squeezed his arm.

“Yeah, I am...” He paused and turned away from me “I’m letting you go…in more ways than one.” I heard him gulp.

I shook my head in confusion. “What do you mean? Stop! You’re freakin’ me out!”

“I’m not strong enough to do this anymore, Addy. I’m just not.”

“Do
what
anymore? What is going on?” Panic gripped my heart.

I was afraid I was beginning to understand all too well what he was talking about and I didn’t like it one bit.

“I can’t see you every so often. I can’t spend every summer with you, loving you, only to see you go off to California each August. I can’t live with knowing you’ll never come back here after you graduate. Have you even thought about that part? You’ve made it abundantly clear that you will not come back to Montana. Where does that leave us, Addy?”

“Well, I understand you feel uncertain but I guess I just always thought eventually you would come to California. I mean, you
did
consider it last summer.”

“That was before my dad nearly died. I can’t leave. I will
never
leave here. That’s where I stand on that.”

“Well, that’s a bit uncompromising don’t you think?”

He began to pace again. “I don’t know what else to do. I want my life to be with you—everyday—not once in a while. I don’t want to wonder where you are and who you’re with and if you’re okay.”

“So you don’t trust me?” I asked.

He stopped pacing and turned to face me. “I don’t trust other guys. Do you remember Harrison?”

I shot him an angry look. “Low blow, Jack.”

“It’s not a low blow, Addy. That actually happened. That was real. I’m being honest and besides, near as I can tell we haven’t even established any level of commitment between us.”

“Well, if that’s what you need to hear, then yes—I’m committed to you, Jack.”

“Great. You’re committed to me.” His voice was sarcastic. He stared intently into my eyes and said, “Then come home. We’ve been given a gift. We’ve been given a second chance. It was fate the night I flew into that dorm room and saved you from Harrison. I knew you still loved me or I wouldn’t have gotten in the car with your dad. I love you and I want my life to be with you.”

“I agree, which is why I think we can make this work.”

“Not if you don’t come back. You have
got
to come back for our relationship to be an actual relationship.”

I shook my head in disbelief. He could not possibly be making this request again. “Jack, that’s impossible right now. I’m too far into my sophomore year. Besides, when I’m done, I will have an awesome career in California. You want that for me, right? You want that for US?”

He walked right up to me, his jaw clenched in anger. He looked me in the eyes and said, “If you can’t come back then I don’t know what I want anymore. I’m frankly exhausted from this relationship—or lack of relationship.”