My Blue River (51 page)

He stood staring intently at me, waiting for my response. I could see tears forming in his eyes which rocked me all the more. Everything about this moment was literally gripping my heart and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Hot tears fell over my cheeks and when I opened my mouth to speak, no words escaped. I was dumbfounded by my ignorance.
If I was smart, I would run into his arms and love him forever!

When I didn’t respond, he offered, “Bye, Addy. Have a nice life.”

As I watched him walk away, I wanted to call out and make him stop but the voice in my head said,
let him go, Addy, let him go.
I had now reached my breaking point.
I won’t do this again. I can’t
. My fear would keep me from moving forward or moving back. Maybe I had finally realized he meant every word when he said, “Don’t kiss me unless you’re staying” or maybe what he said in his letter was true; if you love someone, sometimes the best thing for them is to let them go. I watched him leave, knowing he would put his fears aside and move forward. He would somehow learn to love someone else and that thought was even more agonizing.

********

Jack’s Journal

Saturday, August 10

Claire’s Wedding Day

I went to the graves of Abigail and Zachary Jackson today. My mom’s parents were the only grandparents I ever knew and they were the greatest example of strong love. They met when they were very young, married young, and remained married until their deaths. I’m sure they are together now in Heaven.

Why can’t Addy and I have that love? Why? Actually, wait—I know we have that love and that she is THE ONE for me. She is the reason I breathe in and breathe out. I don’t want her to go through life never opening the gift that love is. I pray there is a day that she is able to let down those walls that protect her and that she can bare her soul to me.

But honestly, I don’t know if I’ll still be standing there waiting for her. I told her today at Claire’s wedding that life wasn’t like one of her pictures—time won’t stand still while she decides if she wants me or not. If it were possible to stop time for her I would, but it’s impossible to wait for what seems like forever. I just can’t.

38. Premonition

I had never considered myself a psychic, but I had a great deal of experience with my dreams becoming reality. Today, I couldn’t shake what had been appearing to me each night—Jack and a car wreck. I was probably just paranoid because of Aaron’s accident last year. I had dreamed that, too. I had learned I couldn’t change fate. However, even if I could decipher the clues of my dreams, it wouldn’t change what was determined by a higher power. I tried to think of other things to avoid reflecting on my disturbing car wreck dream, which only led to other unpleasant thoughts.

Maybe it was the guilt I was feeling about how things were left at Claire’s wedding seven months ago. No matter how busy I kept myself, my mind kept going back to that night:

“Don’t kiss me unless you’re letting me back into your life. Don’t kiss me unless you can say you love me and most of all, don’t kiss me unless you’re staying.”

I remembered his words exactly, reviewing them over and over. Every day I asked myself if I should have gone after him.

It was now spring break and to my surprise, I found myself regretting that I had decided not to go to Montana. I missed my parents. I even missed Aaron. Simply put, I felt like I should be there and not here, which was certainly a first for me.

Aaron was still in physical therapy for the hand injury and I really wanted to see him and how much he had improved, hoping to erase the image of him being so “broken.”

I started my day with feelings of dread, which caused the day to drag on with an almost unbearable anxiety. Even now, as I rushed back to my dorm room, doom hung in the air. As I approached my door, I could hear my cell phone ringing—
why I had left it on my dresser!
I fumbled with my keys, feeling like I would never gain control of my fingers.
I just know something is wrong!

“Addy,” I heard Mom’s voice and her tone told me I was right. Something was wrong.

I rushed her—“Mom! What’s wrong?” I demanded, “I just know something’s wrong. Tell me!”

“Honey, you’d better sit down.” She paused, as if waiting for me to take a seat, so I did.

“Addy, it’s Jack. He’s been in an accident.”

Her words were jarring. My stomach flip-flopped and I thought I would literally vomit.

“Mom,” my voice cracked, “Is he…okay…?” There was no way I could ask if he was dead; he couldn’t be. Despite the passing of time and how unresolved it was between us, I loved Jack beyond all possible reason.

“Addy, he sustained a head injury and he’s in the ICU at St. Mary’s Hospital, but the doctors are saying he’s in the clear.”

I let out a sigh of relief, “Oh, thank God! What happened?”

“They think he fell asleep at the wheel, but they’re not one hundred percent sure.”

“I’m on my way. I have to be there.”
I am really getting sick of ending up at St. Mary’s!

“Addy, I do believe Jack would want you to be here, I do, but I think you should know…”

I had already disconnected the call before she could finish her sentence. She could tell me whatever it was she had to say when I arrived in Middleburg.

It didn’t matter anyway. I had to go; no, I
needed
to be with him.

At this moment, time was my friend. Spring break had just begun. I could leave with relatively few complications. Plans changed and Kate would understand. She knew how important Jack was to me. I threw my clothes into a carry-on bag, left Kate a note, and called a cab.

I was fortunate enough to find a flight with only one stop in Salt Lake City, Utah. I arrived in Middleburg four hours later, but too much time had already passed. My nerves were getting the best of me and my body began to shake. At just the perfect moment, a taxicab arrived at the airport. I hailed it, got in and threw out the name of the hospital so fast he didn’t understand and I had to repeat it.

It took a mere twenty minutes to get from the airport to hospital. The taxi driver let me out at the front entrance. I handed him a fifty dollar bill, which was more than enough money to cover the fare and a tip, yelling, “Keep the change!” as I exited the car. I walked as quickly as I could to the elevator. I rode it up to the ICU, only to find that Jack had been moved to a regular room. I went back to the elevator and pressed the number five repeatedly. When I reached the fifth floor, I flew out the doors and down the hall to room 503. I gave a slight tap on the door, but didn’t hesitate. I needed to see him so desperately that I didn’t wait for a response and pushed through the door, threw my bag on the floor, and stopped dead in my tracks.

Who the hell is she?

Sitting in a chair next to Jack’s bed was my worst nightmare. She was a perfectly adorable and beautiful young lady who turned to look at me as she brushed the hair from his eyes. She had long, blond hair and wore it in a braided ponytail. She was slender and looked like a rodeo queen. She was the perfect fit for Jack.
This sucks
. She looked as though she’d been crying.
Please tell me she’s a cousin
. My instincts told me otherwise because she was looking at him the way I knew I did.

“Jack” I let his name more breathlessly than I had planned.

“Addy?” He was groggy, but coherent. My name came out clear as a bell, “Addy—is that you?”

“Yeah, Jack it’s me. I got here as quickly as I could.”

My legs went numb and I couldn’t move myself forward. I felt like an intruder on a private conversation as brief silence ensued.

“Addy, hey, I’m Hannah,” petite Miss Hannah stood and extended her hand to me. I towered over her. She had to be barely over five feet tall. Her brown eyes were as big as a doe’s.
Why did she have to be so cute and so polite?

“I’ve heard a lot about you, Addy,” she offered. Her voice was kind. There wasn’t a hint of anger or jealousy.

“Oh, really? That’s funny because I haven’t heard anything about you.” I knew that probably sounded as mean out loud as it did in my head but I didn’t care. I was confused, hurt, and embarrassed. It immediately struck me what my mom thought I should know before coming to Montana.
No wonder there are twenty missed calls from mom’s number on my cell
.

The expression on Hannah’s face immediately changed from sweet to “don’t push me—I didn’t say I LIKED hearing about you.” I didn’t know how much Jack had confessed to her and decided to back down. I wouldn’t want to put him in a sticky situation of explaining the story of us if he hadn’t already done so.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound so nasty. I’m just—totally exhausted from travel and lack of sleep—” I really couldn’t explain the truth without it becoming awkward so I let my voice trail off.

Hannah’s former sweet face returned and she cut me off with the wave of her hand, “It’s fine, really. I understand.” I couldn’t decide if I liked that better or not.

“So how is he?” I asked

“The doctors are actually amazed at his progress. It’s not as bad as they initially thought so we’re hopeful for a full recovery. He has no brain damage whatsoever.” She looked back at Jack with nothing but complete affection in her eyes.
It’s official; I hate her.

“So, nothing beyond his pre-existing brain damage then?” I joked.

Jack chuckled and muttered, “Be nice.” I laughed but Hannah didn’t find the humor in my joke.

I looked back at her beautiful face. She seemed so real and genuine. She didn’t have one ounce of makeup on her face and was still gorgeous. I suddenly felt ill at the realization of how she belonged in Jack’s life and I didn’t, which was my cue to hurry this visit along.

“Well, I won’t stay long. He needs his rest I’m sure. Can I have just a minute with him?” I asked.

“Oh, sure, I’ll leave you two alone. I need to find a soda machine anyway.”

Hannah left, but not without a backward glance, which was not at Jack but at me. I couldn’t quite read her expression but I sensed my presence was concerning her.

I waited for the door to close then pulled the chair closer to Jack’s bedside. I reached for his hand but pulled back before he noticed I was reaching for him. It was no longer my place to touch him or offer comfort.

“Jack, I’ve been so worried. How are you—really?” I asked.

He looked sleepy, but I could tell he wanted me there. When I got a good look into his eyes, I realized he didn’t seem the same and it wasn’t from the effects of the accident. It was from the effects of the
Hannah
.
This is so painful
. I knew he would move on at some point. I had made it abundantly clear from our first kiss that I would one day leave Blue River and return to California. Even after everything Jack and I had been through, I had still managed to do exactly that—I had left Blue River. Jack swore he wasn’t a man of ultimatums, but he had basically given me one at Claire’s wedding, even though his letter said he’d just admitted defeat. Part of me wanted to tell him I thought he was a hypocrite and the other part of me wanted to let the whole matter go and continue moving forward.
I’ve come too far in my healing process to go back now
.

The consequences of my choices were hitting me square in the face right now and it didn’t feel so great. We could never be more than just friends. I wasn’t even sure we could be friends because even that would be a reminder of how we could have been more. We had come so close. Jack had even considered moving to California, but then his dad had a heart attack and that changed everything. I told him in a letter I would move to Montana after graduation, but his letter reached me first, telling me he was letting me go—he wasn’t the right man for me—I never mailed my letter. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut as I thought of that day.

“I’d hug you but—” he lifted his arms to show the tubes connected to him that kept him in place.

“Gee, why not?” I said jokingly. “I’ll just keep in mind you owe me a hug, okay?” I tried to sound light-hearted but my voice cracked and my heart felt like an anchor that was slowly sinking to the bottom of an ocean.

“It’s a deal,” he offered a weak laugh.

“So…” It was inevitable; I had to go there. “Hannah seems nice. She’s cute, too.”

“Oh, yeah, she’s great. I was going to call and tell you about her, but since you’d written me off—”

“I didn’t write you off!” I caught myself from shouting. “You gave me an ultimatum at Claire’s reception, remember? Then you walked away before I could respond. By the way, I thought you weren’t a man of ultimatums.”
I guess I can’t help but point out the hypocrisy after all
.

“Oh, you had plenty of time to respond Adelaide—
plenty
of time. You couldn’t say what I needed to hear so I left.” His voice was somber and he paused, as if he was remembering the exact moment and each word we had said to one another. “And yeah, I guess it was an ultimatum and I’m sorry for that, but seven months have passed so I’m guessing you’ve moved on, too. So, who’s the lucky guy?” he sarcastically asked.

“Honestly? I’m not sure I’ve moved on and I certainly don’t have a “lucky guy” in my life. I’m not the person with someone at my hospital bedside.”

He cut me off. “Addy, please. I just can’t do this. You made it clear back when you moved to Blue River. I tortured myself by dating you. I tortured myself by loving you even when I always knew you’d leave me. I took the chance that I could change your mind. I gambled and lost. That’s that.” He shrugged his shoulders. Whether it was his words or his pain, I didn’t know, but he winced.

“I don’t know what to say,” I replied.

He turned his face to look at me. His expression was serious and intense. “Say you love me.”

My head snapped back in surprise. “What?”

“Say you love me and that you’ll stay and never leave me.”