My Body-Mine (32 page)

“
Jane and I are going to the bathroom,” Parker said. “Why don’t you guys get us a table?”

I obediently followed Parker to the bathroom, prepared for a scolding.

“
Seems like you guys are getting along well,” she said.

I gaped. “You aren’t going to give me a hard time?”

“
I promised to behave and I’m rather thrilled to see things progressing.”

“
Well, I’m not doing the best job of holding him off. I still need to resolve things with Marcello and that has to wait until he gets back from New York, but it’s definitely time to move on.”

“
Good for you, Jane,” she said through the reflection in the mirror.

I checked my hair, smiling.

“
Thank you for coming tonight,” I said.

“
Wouldn’t miss it.”

Dinner went far more smoothly than anticipated, and I enjoyed being out on the town as part of a regular couple. I left before the bill came so that I’d arrive early at the book store.

As I entered the conference center and found my way to the right place, I saw
a display copy of
my book on a table
next to
other books from Seduction Press.
A sign read: “
A limited number of free advance review copies are available.
T
he author
will be signing books
at
8 p.m.
One per customer, please.
”
I picked up
Falling
Through The
Rabbit Hole
, caressing the binding and fanning through the pages. Becoming a published author was a dream realized, albeit via a nightmare. Unwilling to let anything spoil my moment, I hugged the book to me.

My cellphone chimed and I fished it out of my purse, breaking the spell.

Marcello:
Thinking of you and hoping all goes well tonight. Sorry I can’t be there.

Me:
I’m here already and I’m doing fine. I’m actually holding my book in my hands.

Marcello:
Buy one for me.

Me:
There are just free copies at this point, but I’ll grab one for you. Thank you so much for the text.

Marcello:
Please text me later and let me know how it goes.

Me:
I will. Got to go. Bye.

My publisher approached me with her hand extended as I put my phone back in my purse. I shook her hand.

“
What do you think?” Claudia said, glancing down at the book.

“
It looks amazing. Very surreal.
”

“
I bet. Thank you so much for coming.”

“
Can I take a few?”

“
Sure
,
but no more than five. We’re hoping to get them into the hands of reviewers
and booksellers
. If you have a few minutes, let me introduce you to the other authors.”

Parker, Andre, and Chase showed up twenty minutes later and the four of us watched two authors read excerpt
s
from their books. I felt pretty certain that I’d never be reading from my memoir in public
,
but
maybe once I published one of my fictional stories.

Chase kept his distance and my respect for him grew. We all partook of the wine provided and strolled around the large room meeting other authors. I purchased a novel by one of the other Seduction Press authors and had him sign it. I liked that the erotic romance had been written by a man, and looked forward to reading a male perspective. Another author gave me advice about social media, and I knew I had a lot of work ahead of me.

At the end of the evening Chase, Andre, and Parker went outside to wait for me as I took the copies of my book to the table outside of the conference room so I had a place to sit alone to write a heartfelt message for them. I abhorred the thought of my friends reading my memoir
.
However, t
hey insisted
that
they planned to read it anyway and promised to buy the finished product
once
it came out. I started with
the note for
Andre
,
which seemed easiest to tackle.

Andre,

Thank you so much for coming tonight. I hope we have the opportunity to get to know each other better soon. Thank you for making Parker happy. She, of all people, deserves it.

Best Regards,

Jane

Chase’s seemed most daunting so I signed Parker’s copy next.

Dear Parker,

Thank you for being a real friend to me. Although there are times when I have wanted to run and hide from you, we both know it’s because you always tell it like you see it, and prize honesty above all else. I so appreciate that our friendship has survived all I have been through and put you through. Only a real friend would keep pushing for us to move beyond the past.

Thank you for being here tonight and
for
being my best friend.

I love you,

Jane

Holding the last book, I struggled to find the right words for Chase. Not wanting to leave him with false hope, I focused on how much I appreciated his friendship.

Chase,

Thank you for the friendship you have so easily and readily bestowed on me.

Bestowed?
I couldn’t erase it so I continued on.

You have brought more lightness to my life than I have ever experienced. I look forward to becoming better friends and learning more about you. Thank you for coming tonight, it means so much to me.

Warmest regards,

Jane

Just as I finished signing Chase’s copy I heard a familiar voice say, “Since you want my signature so badly, I figured it
’s
only fair to get yours as well.” He laid a copy of my memoir in front of me, alongside a stack of papers.

“
Luke,” I said. My gut clenched and my blood burned in my veins. Never had I considered the possibility he might show up
at the party.
He looked as fit as ever. I remembered well his jeans, long-sleeved blue shirt with five buttons and no collar, sleeves hiked up on his forearms. Brown worker boots completed the brawny image.

I stared into his gray eyes, and all the words running through my brain lodged in my throat. I broke the spell, which freed my eyes to follow his taut sinewy arm to the papers. Reading upside down I saw PETITION FOR SIMPLIFIED DISSOLUTION OF MARRIAGE.

“
What is this?” I asked. I started to shake.

“
Don’t play dumb with me, Jane,” Luke said, his voice echoing in the lobby of the large conference center.

Glancing up at the man I had once loved, I cursed my body for its response.

How dare you be turned on when you are scared to death!

“
I didn’t send those papers,” I said in a loud whisper, so as not to draw the attention of
the
people who lingered.

Luke took a few steps back, his eyes
darting
about as if trying to decide what to do or say next. At least that’s what it seemed like to me. “You didn’t send them?” he said.

“
No,” I said, shaking my head.

“
Fuck.” He ran nervous fingers through his
straight
brown bangs. As he loomed over me I could feel him, sense how he still felt about me. His energy invaded my body as it always had. “Marcello?” he added.

“
I assume so, because I can’t think of anyone else who—”

“
We need to talk,” he said.

I stood, my heart thudding in my chest. “Okay,” I said. “I’m here with friends and would prefer
it if
you
’d
stay
inside
until I leave.”

“
Come to the beach house.”

“
It might be a while.”

“
I’ll be reading until you arrive,” he said, holding out my memoir.

“
Shit,” I said, as I gathered up the books I had just signed, tossing them into my bag.
Trying
to calm my breathing
,
I forced myself to walk slowly out the door.

“
Ready to get out of here?” Chase asked as I approached.

“
Yes,” I said. “I’m going to call it a night.” I handed the books to each of them and we all hugged our goodbyes. I thanked them for coming as
I
tried to keep it together and not show the trembling inside.

“
I’ll walk you to your car,” Chase said.

“
Great,” I said.

As soon as Chase and I moved out of earshot of Parker and Andre, he said, “What is it?”

“
Is it that obvious?”

Chase gently clasped my shoulders, turning me to face him. “To me it is. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“
That’s not far off the mark. Luke showed up.”

“
At the
signing
?” he asked, taking a step away.

“
Yes.”

“
Why, Jane?”

“
He had divorce papers in hand which he thought I’d sent.”

“
You’re not divorced?” he asked, astonished.

“
No, I’m not. Look I—”

“
Is this the part of your life that is up in the air and still needs sorting out?” He flung the question at me.

“
Yes, and no. I had no immediate plans to divorce him.”

“
What the fuck, Jane.”

“
I just never figured I’d marry again, and up until very recently, like tonight … I didn’t think I’d ever see Luke again.”

“
So, is he lying to have an excuse to see you?”

“
I honestly hadn’t considered that, but that isn’t his style. More likely Marcello got tired of waiting for me to do it myself. Janice thought he’d be proposing to me any day. I thought she was crazy, but now I don’t know anything anymore.”

“
I didn’t realize there was such a long line ahead of me,” Chase said. I realized that I’d never seen a real frown on his chiseled face until then.

“
It’s not like that, but yes, my life is still very much up in the air. I’ve been trying to tell you that from the start.”

“
Well, I believe you now,” he said, shaking his head.

“
Chase, please. Don’t act like I invited him or set any of this in motion.”

“
But you’re going to the beach house to talk to him?”

“
Yes, I am.”

Chase hung his head and sighed. Looking up at me, he said the words I wasn’t ready to hear. “I love you, Jane. I
started falling
the very second I first saw you, and each and every time I saw you again, my feelings grew stronger. And you’re right; you need to get your life sorted out. Let me know when or if that ever happens. I’m going to take off.” He strode away before I had a chance to respond.

“
Wait! Chase,” I yelled after him.

He stepped back toward me and reached out. “I’m sorry. You’ve been upfront from the start, but I can see that you still have so much to work through. I never factored in Luke, but I can see that you still need closure or something from him. Why else would you not divorce him and get the house you love so much?”

“
I … I never thought I could feel that way about anyone else. I didn’t know what it might do to me to see him in person, but now that I have, I can see that he and I need to talk. I don’t want to hurt you; that’s the last thing I want. I just need time.”

“
You’ve got it,” he said softly, taking me in his arms. He held me tight for a moment and then walked away.

The more distance he put between us, the more my heart ached. I’d rather be holding his hand all the way to his car and his place than meet
ing
up with Luke.

After climbing into my car, I rummaged through my purse for my cellphone.

Me:
Did you send Luke divorce papers?

Marcello: Yes.

Me:
You had no right. He showed at the signing
party
.

Marcello:
You need to deal with this, Jane.

Me:
That’s not for you to decide. How dare you?

Marcello:
Because I love you and want you to let go of the past.

Me:
You are part of that very past. You and Janice.

Marcello:
I’m your present.

Me:
I’m going to the beach house to meet with Luke.

Marcello:
That is unadvisable and in violation of our contract.

Me:
So was sending the divorce papers behind my back. Consider our contract null and void.

I turned off my phone and started the car. It didn’t take long for me to make my way from the
conference center
to the beach house. Parking alongside Luke’s car, I braced myself for the inevitable confrontation.

I couldn’t bring myself to knock on the door of
my
house so I just turned the knob and let myself in. Luke leaned on a stool at the end of the kitchen counter, my memoir in his hands. The house smelled lived in again and the counters had been wiped clean of dust.

“
Jane,” he said.

“
Can we talk outside?”