My Paper Heart (25 page)

Like clockwork Aunt Dee would wake Britt and I up and we would go to church, followed by brunch with the bridge club. Instead of focusing on mass though, I usually focused on Blaine sitting in the pew next to me, and thinking how good he looked when he was all dressed up. But, Kristi and Gabe were neither Catholic, nor Southern, and Blaine definitely wasn't going to be sitting next to me looking very uncomfortable in a tie.

Kristi and Gabe's wedding was on the beach. Hundreds of chairs were piled up to the gazebo that met the shoreline as we pulled into the resort. How the staff managed to fit enough chairs for the four-hundred guests was amazing to me. The chairs were all lined with pink and yellow flowers with a giant white runner leading down to the gazebo where a nervous Gabe and the preacher stood.

The lady in the muumuu was, of course, there to greet us as soon as we go to the resort, clucking orders and lining us up with the groomsmen. I felt awkward standing next to Beau. Not just because he was my ex, but since Kristi had required that the bridesmaids wear three inch silver heels, I was way taller than him. I had to completely slouch, so that I didn't look like an Amazon woman with her captured prey.

Bach's Largo played as we slowly walked down toward the cascading waves of Lake Michigan, I couldn't help but scan the crowd for Blaine. The whole time during the ceremony, when I should have been paying attention to the vows and to Kristi, I kept hoping for one of those moments out of the movies. I thought that Blaine would just come in, interrupt the ceremony in some dramatic fashion, maybe running with a bunch of wait staff chasing him, and then he would profess his love to me. We would kiss in the middle of the aisle and then everyone would clap and some classic love song would play. Of course none of this ever happened.

The wedding ended, the bride and groom kissed, and people cheered as they walked out; UB40's
Can't Help Falling in Love
, played as we all walked back down the aisle.

Between the ceremony and reception we all assembled on the beach for pictures. Millions of the same poses, where we were supposed to look 'spontaneous' and 'natural,' but really we were just being directed by a very short Hispanic photographer with a lisp and bad goatee to 'smile this way' or 'act surprised.'  I never thought one could be so exhausted from smiling. Of course, even though it was photography time, most of the groomsmen decided that the party had already started.

"Hey, hey Libby."

Beau's breath smelled like turpentine as he whispered in my ear. It was actually more of a quiet yell with his hot breath lapping against my cheek. We were stuck in some cheesy prom pose for about fifty frames and I was really getting tired of having his sweaty hands all over my waist.

"What, Beau?" I gritted through my teeth. I was still smiling, only because I had to for pictures, but my tone make it clear that I was annoyed.

"Isn't it awesome that there is going to be open bar all night?  It's like being VIP."

He staggered. The photographer had to stop  at least six more times, just to make sure he got the right shot between a bunch of wobbly groomsmen.

"I really don't think you need to be having any more time at the bar, maybe you should head over to the hors d’oeuvres table."

He aimlessly waved a hand before going back into a shit eating grin and wrapping his arms around me. I wondered if he would be acting like this if Blaine was there, but obviously I didn't know what that was like. I was starting to think that I never would again.

The beach was transformed in what was only a matter of a few hours. Going from a beautiful, seaside wedding to a romantic reception. Dozens of tiki torches lined the beach, reflecting off the water and pairing with the fading sunset to create an array of oranges and reds dancing on the surface of the water. Table after table were decorated with lilies and candles, as men in tuxes carried trays of little canapés and shrimp.

I stood in awe looking at the twinkling lights above me, wondering how one could possibly string lights from mid-air like that. But my awe was quickly dismissed when Beau, and the other groomsmen, pushed their way past me to get to the bar. I swear I saw the bartender's eyes widen behind his bamboo hut when he saw ten guys in tuxes barreling toward him. I rolled my eyes again and headed toward the head table. I wasn't in the mood to drink, or to even be there. Being at the ceremony really made me realize, Blaine wasn't coming, and he probably never would again. I was really alone. But I would be okay. I just wanted to get back to Louisiana more than anything. My mom was right, Kappa may have been the best thing at the time, but now it just wasn't me anymore, and I was really getting sick of Beau and his grabby hands.

∞

Dinner was as fabulous and over the top as the rest of the day. I never knew that seven-course meals actually existed, but apparently they did. Our faces were continually stuffed with dish after dish of food. Beau continued his flirting and didn't seem to get the hint that I wasn't interested.

"Hey, Libby. Hey, Libby," he slurred, leaning his whole body in to me. No matter what I did I couldn't lean away. He was practically spitting on my swordfish.

"What Beau?" I tried not to look at him, and create a barrier with my hand wresting on my cheek, while I swirled the asparagus around on my plate.

"You know I'm doing my internship at Trump tower in Chicago, so while you're living there I'll get to see you every day." He sounded like an excited little kid, albeit a slurring, stumbling one.

The night before, my sister had decided to tell everyone about her pregnancy, and somehow that led into the discussion about my parents moving. I almost completely forgot that Beau was supposed to be doing an internship there. It made me want to move back to Louisiana even more. Get the heck away from that train wreck.

"That's great, Beau." I didn't even look at him as I spoke, staring blankly at my plate. Just because Blaine had left me didn't mean I was going to go crawling back to Chicago and back to Beau.

After the final course, Gabe and Kristi headed to the dance floor as the DJ announced it was time for their first dance. A slow country song played. I used to make fun of Kristi all through school about her love of country music. We were both wealthy girls from the Chicago suburbs, so her love of country music never made sense to me, until now. After being in Louisiana, and falling in love, I finally understood the meaning to all of those country songs. I could feel the tears trying to push through my eyes. Slowly I moved my chair back and tried to sneak away, but before I could, a cold hand gripped my wrist.

"Hey." Lacey slurred. "You can't leave yet, we have the bridal party dance!" She smiled a big toothy grin at me, like everything was just perfect between us.

I smiled weakly back and slid back into my seat, choking back my tears. Luckily other people were tearing up as well, so they just thought I was being sentimental. Little did they know what was actually going through my head.

Suddenly every song from the first dance to the father-daughter dance, made me think of Blaine. Thinking of all the times we would be riding in his truck and he would loudly sing along with some obscure song on the radio just to make me laugh, but I wasn't laughing now. I wasn't there surrounded by people I loved or who cared about me, except for maybe Kristi. Sometimes I didn't understand why things happened, but I guess everything does happen for a reason. I hoped someday I would see the bigger picture.

The DJ announced that it was time for the bridal party to join the bride and groom on the dance floor. The moment I was dreading. Beau couldn't hide his excitement. His clammy hand grabbed mine as we got up from the table. I was too emotionally exhausted to even resist. He pulled me close and I slid my arms around his neck, trying not to make eye contact.

"You know Libby, this is a sign," he stammered. "Why else would we be here dancing at Kristi's wedding if we weren't supposed to be together?"

I wanted to shout:
because we were paired together as a bridesmaid and groomsmen for our friends’ wedding you big oaf!

But I didn't. I said nothing. I just swayed in silence as the song played, and he continued to blabber on. Maybe this was where I was supposed to be. Maybe somebody was really telling me that this is where I belonged. Maybe I was always supposed to be the socialite with the boyfriend that cheats on me. I should have never gotten a taste of something else, because that wasn't where I was supposed to be.

But then I didn't know why it felt to right to be in Blaine's arms, sitting on a bench outside the antique shop. I didn't know why I felt more alive standing in Aunt Dee's kitchen and mixing a bowl of grits then I did while I stood with Beau on the dance floor. I was confused and just wanted to get away.

As soon as the song ended, I quickly slipped off the dance floor. Luckily, Beau had run to the bar as soon as the song was over and hadn't noticed that I left. My heels were sinking in the sand, so I quickly slid them off and started farther down the beach. The moon was completely full and reflected off the water, making it look like it was floating right on top of it. I walked as far as I could, while still being able to hear the wedding going on behind me, before sitting on a bench a few feet away from the water's edge. I dug my feet into the cold sand and it felt great against my poor feet that spent all day in very uncomfortable heels.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket. I looked at the picture on the background. I still didn't have the heart to change it. It was a picture of Blaine and me, when everything was still good. It was a picture I took on my phone the same night he had asked me to be his girlfriend. It wasn't exactly a flattering picture of either of us. He looked sunburned from spending all day outside, after one of the hottest days of the year, and I believe I had a milk mustache from an ice cream sundae. But no matter what I looked like on the outside, I could tell that I also looked genuinely happy.

 It wasn't a fake smile like I had painted on in for all of the wedding pictures, but it was a genuine smile. A big toothy grin, I could have even been laughing. But I wondered if Blaine was really as happy as I was in that picture. I wondered if I was just a rebound, someone to keep his mind off of his ex-girlfriend. Maybe he was just a really good actor and I was just his latest role.

Looking down at that picture, I then realized, it wasn't just Blaine that made me that genuinely happy. It was everything about Elsbury. I never thought I would like it there, I always thought I would be the same sorority girl. The truth was that I had never felt more alive as I was when I was in Elsbury.

I wasn't labeled as just some blonde sorority girl, though I am sure some people thought of me that way, but once they got to know me I became something more to the town. More than I ever was before. I wasn't just a blonde sorority girl, I was someone's niece, someone's cousin, a girlfriend, a bookkeeper, I was more than I ever could have been had I stayed in Chicago.

The more I thought about Elsbury, the more the tears started to pour down my face. Big black blobs made streaks through my heavily powdered face before falling onto my lap. I was in full out sob mode and couldn't help it. I could faintly hear the sounds of the reception going on in the background, but I still felt more alone than ever as the sound of my own cries rang in my ears.

"There you are!" A voice cried as it approached me.

I recognized it as Kristi's and quickly wiped the tears from my face with the back of my hand and stood up. She looked like a stick figure that was stuck in a cupcake as she came toward me, holding the skirt of her dress up while she maneuvered through the sand in her giant heels.

"I have been looking everywhere for you!" She yelled.

"Don't worry about me Kristi. I’m fine, just had to get away for a bit." I tried to fiddle with my hair, but gave up, realizing it was a lost cause.

"Well I came to give you your bridesmaid gift," she exclaimed matter of factly.

"Kristi you already did that remember?" I pulled the lavaliere out of my pocket. It had the letters KB dangling in white gold from a matching chain. We had to ceremoniously take the necklaces off after pictures since a Kappa was never supposed to drink with letters on.

"Not that." She waved her hand like she was swatting a fly. "This." She turned her shoulders and did a short, loud whistle.

Slowly from behind a large oak tree, a body started walking down the beach. I had to squint at first to see who it was, but as soon as he spoke I immediately knew who it was.

"Hey Libby." His voice was melodious and sorrowful all at the same time. I would know that accent anywhere. It was Blaine.

His blue eyes met mine as he approached, making a circle with Kristi and I. He was wearing the suit that we got him in New Orleans and looked just as uncomfortable in it as he did every time I would see him dressed up in church. I wanted to smile and at the same time wanted to hold back tears.

"How did you…when…?" I was flabergastered. I stumbled over my words as I tried to fight back the impending tears. It took everything I had not to embrace him. I wanted to smell his familiar scent and to kiss him again, but I couldn't tell what he was thinking and didn't know how he would react to me tackling him.

"Well on that note, I think I’m going to let the two of you have some alone time." Kristi patted my back. "I guess I should get back to my wedding, don't do anything I wouldn't do!" Kristi called over her shoulder as she headed back to the reception, cupcake dress and all.

I flopped down on the bench. My mind was racing so much that I was physically exhausted.

“So…”  Blaine carefully sat down next to me, making sure that there was still a bit of space between us. “Some wedding, ey?”

“Why didn’t you show up at the airport?”

It was all that I could say, and it just came out like word vomit. I couldn’t even look at him, and I so longed to stare into his blue eyes and have him tell me that everything would be alright. Yet I couldn’t. I just stared down at my bare feet.