Never Forever (10 page)

I can see a tangible irritation vibrating throughout him as he refuses to meet my gaze. Insecurity runs through me, causing me to wrap my hand around my arms, trying to hide my exposed cleavage. Leaning over to Olivia I ask, “Is Callum upset because I am wearing this?”

Olivia smiles slightly, as she rolls her eyes in Callum’s direction, “No, he is just jealous, so he is acting like a daft arse.”

Rosie rushes into the dining room carrying a large decanter of an amber-colored alcohol. No sooner than she fills his glass, Callum has completely emptied it. He taps his glass and she proceeds to fill it again. I watch in disgust as Callum seems to be having an internal argument, causing him to drown himself in something I despise.

“Callum, have you been to the Hellfire Caves here?” Emily asks, trying to lighten his mood. “I hear that it is amazing and scary at the same time.”     

“Blimey, I have always wanted to check them out.” Gavin turns towards Callum, “Was one of your relatives part of the Hellfire Club?”

Olivia jumps in while her brother drowns his confusion in his glass, “Our mum never let us go there. She said it is an evil place with an equally evil past. She won’t tell us if any of our relatives were participants in the Hellfire Club or not.”

“Which to me translates as, yes, they were part of the club,” Callum smugly remarks, as he pours himself another drink.

“What are the Hellfire Caves and Club?” I ask, completely fascinated with the conversation.

“It is where in the eighteenth century wealthy men would go, get drunk, and then act out all of their sordid fantasies with a female of their desire,” Callum chimes in as he glares deep into my eyes, causing my heart to race. Picking up his glass he slams down another drink.

“It looks like you’re getting the drunken part down,” I snap.

“If you have a problem with alcohol then you are in the wrong place, Breanna,” he slams back.

“I have a problem with what it does to people. It is a vile drink that transforms a good person into a monster, like Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde. It will ruin your life and the lives of those around you.” The memory of what I had to grow up with as I watched alcohol destroy my mother, turning her into a delinquent monster while ruining my childhood, resonates within my voice.

Callum leans forward onto both elbows, placing the backs of his interlocking fingers under his chin. His eyes lock onto mine, “Do tell, why do you have the right to pass judgments as to what a drink can do to a person? Is there anything more you would like to tell me?”

“Belt-up, you bloody arse!” Olivia shouts in a rebuking tone towards Callum. “You know nothing, you bloody wanker.”

“I know more than you think. And…”

“Babe, don’t worry about it,” Emily states, as she gently strokes Callum’s shoulder. “Don’t let Breanna upset you. She’s nothing but a daft girl. Maybe you and I should leave and have dinner, just the two of us. ”

“Hey, come on everyone, we were just having fun talking about the Hellfire Caves. No one is passing judgments here,” Gavin interrupts, trying to calm the situation.

Anger begins to pulsate through me as I watch Emily throw herself at Callum while he does nothing to stop her. I am grateful I didn’t let things go any further with him today because I would feel like trash right now. He had stated that he is going to make me forget ‘the wanker,’ but all he has done is make me miss Andrew even more. A searing wave of a foreign feeling washes over me. I have never felt like this before; if this is jealousy then I fully welcome it. My mind embraces a sudden wave of revenge, like a volcano claiming its victims.

I have survived on my own for years. I am fully aware of how to play the game. I have watched my mom manipulate the men around her to get what she wanted. If she can do it so can I. Sensually I lean close to Gavin as I place my hand on his shoulder, “You had mentioned that you have always wanted to see the Hellfire Caves, and I too have never been there. We should go there tomorrow, just the two of us.” A sick wave rolls through my body as I give in to my resentful desires. Though I know how to play this game, I have never done it until now.

He glances over every detail of my revealing dress, stopping at my chest. His eyes fixate on my slightly exposed breasts, making me feel sick to my stomach.

“I think that is a bloody brilliant idea.” He looks up at me with a hunger smoldering within his eyes.

“I don’t bloody think so!” Callum shouts.

“What is your problem, man?” Gavin snaps back. “You’ve got Emily to have fun with.”

I look over at Olivia’s disgusted face as she shakes her head in complete frustration. “Callum and Breanna, you are the most daft and stubborn people I have ever bloody met. I am done witnessing this rubbish.”

Jumping up from the table she slams her napkin down and hastily walks out of the room. A wave of repulsion washes through me, causing me to run after her. Hastily I run down the hall, shedding my vulgar actions off of me like a snake peeling its dead skin from its body.

Suddenly I catch sight of Olivia, “Olivia, wait, please.” She turns to face me, revealing her sickened expression. “I am so sorry. It is just that Callum was making me so mad. I just thought I would make him jealous, that’s all,” I state breathlessly, from running after her.

“Do you really think you were doing it just to make him jealous, or were you just acting on your own jealousy?” Her eyes bore deep into mine, questioning my true intentions.

“Okay, yes I was jealous, but what was I supposed to do, just sit there and let him hurt me like that?”

“Yes, because he wasn’t hurting
you
. He is just hurting. And until you both drop your bloody pride, you will both just keep on hurting,” Her soft eyes pour over me like warm water over ice, melting the rough edges. “But you do what you feel is right. You are the one who has to live with your choices.” She walks away, leaving me standing here all alone.

My heart falls to pieces as I realize I am the one who needs to change. I have been keeping secrets, trying to save my heart when all I am doing is tearing my own heart up, lie upon lie. I should have told Callum about Andrew from the very beginning instead of leading him along. A part of me has always wanted to tell him everything, but my heart wouldn’t let me. Though Andrew is gone and will never return, my heart won’t let me move on, as if I am cheating on his ghost. Though part of my heart misses Andrew, another part beats fervently for Callum and I cannot deny it. Tomorrow I will sit down with Callum and tell him everything.

Hellfire Cave

I woke up later than I wanted to because Noah had a rough night. I finally got some sleep around five in the morning, causing me to have to rush now. Grabbing a pair of jeans, I look out the window trying to see what I should wear. The sky is grey with a heavy fog swirling all over the landscape, giving everything a lonely feeling. The darkened sky drowns out any light trying to flood into my room. The muted light is allowing Noah to sleep longer than usual. Tucking his warm blanket around him, I throw on a plush sweater and call for Miss McNally. I feel like a horrible mother leaving Noah with Miss McNally again, but I need to talk to Callum, alone. Quickly I head out, hoping to catch Callum.

The manor’s halls are quiet this morning after the eventful night last night. I did not return to the dining room after my conversation with Olivia. I could not go back and face everyone, least of all Callum. All I wanted to do was go back to my room, take my dress off, and throw on some comfortable clothes. Though Olivia and I did not return, it sounded like the fun continued until the wee hours of the morning. I am sure the drinks were freely flowing, causing everyone’s inhibitions to let down. I know Olivia told me Callum is hurting, but I wish he would choose a better way to drown his sorrows. Anger rips through me as I witness someone I care about lose themselves in the intoxicating power of alcohol. Just the bitter rotten smell of it makes me sick. The smell reminds me of what our trailer reeked of after one of my mom’s binges. Sometimes I wouldn’t even have to walk through the door. I could smell the fumes even from the outside. I always knew when my mom was heading into a binge. She would tell me that she either wanted to celebrate something, or she was upset and wanted to drown her sorrows. Anything simple could set her off, like missing my parent teacher conferences. Instead of just moving on she would tell me she needed just one drink to help her calm down. But my mom did not know how to do just one drink.

I began to keep all the bad things from my mom, so she would not have another excuse to pour herself ‘just one drink.’ Because of my adapting habit I learned how to hide things from people so they would not have to feel the stresses of the world. I know Callum is not my mother or even an alcoholic for that fact, but the fear of witnessing him running for another glass of liquor caused me to stay in my room.

As I rush down the hall I nearly slam into Gavin. “Whoa. You’re in a hurry. What’s the rush?” Gavin utters, as he stops me from nearly falling.

“I am sorry, Gavin. I just woke up late and… I am hungry, that’s all.” I stutter out, trying to hide the real reasons behind my rushing.

“I hope there is some breakfast left. Everyone has already eaten,” Gavin looks as if he has been awake for hours. His warm wool sweater matches perfectly with a pair of loose fit blue jeans. He looks as if he is preparing for a cool outing today.

“I better go and grab something then,” I begin to walk past him, when suddenly he grabs onto my arm, stopping me from walking away.

“Are we still going to the Hellfire Cave today?” Gavin asks point blank.

A nervous twinge vibrates within me, causing my stomach to drop. I can’t tell him I was just using him to make Callum jealous, “Well, um, what is everyone else doing today?”  

“Callum and Emily have left already,” his normal low, powerful voice is stifled by a high, weak pitch, as if he is hiding something from me.

“What, Callum and Emily are gone?” My heart drops as I realize I missed my opportunity to talk to Callum. “Where did they go?”

“They went to the Hellfire Caves,” his voice trembles slightly.

“Really? Why?” I question, as my mind recalls Callum’s description of the sordid tale behind the Hellfire Club. I didn’t think Callum had any desire to go there. He and Olivia seemed emphatic about their thoughts on the cave.

“Callum wasn’t going to let you go with me until Emily said she wanted to go, too. So they decided to go this morning since you were still asleep. We are supposed to meet them there.”

“Okay, I guess.” Something about all of this doesn’t seem right, but I am the last one up, while everyone else is out having fun.

“We should get going then, so we can meet up with them,” Gavin grabs his things and proceeds to head out the large front doors.

“Wait, we’re leaving now? I can’t go yet. I have to make sure Miss McNally is okay with watching Noah for that long.” A surge of anxiety rushes through me as I contemplate having to leave Noah again for an unknown situation with Gavin. I hate leaving Noah, especially for this type of reason, but it looks like I have to if I want to see Callum. I have no desire to go with Gavin. I was just using him in a torrid game. My only hope is that when we meet up with Callum and Emily I will be able to snag some alone time with Callum. There is so much I need to tell him.

“Chivvy along then. Go and arrange things for your baby,” Gavin’s eyes begin to scan my wardrobe with some content. “You may want to clean yourself up, too. You look like you had a rough night.”

Though he is absolutely right about my disheveled appearance, I am still perturbed by his lack of couth. I barely know him, and the fact that he has no problem telling me I basically look like crap is rude. Gathering up my deflated pride I proceed to arrange things for Noah and also freshen myself up, not for Gavin, but for Callum. I hope Callum will be happy to see me and not angry I am there with Gavin.

Gavin and I walk up to the strange entrance of the Hellfire Cave. From the outside its appearance is like a front facade of a dilapidated cathedral. Ivy grows all over the stone walls, giving it an ancient impression. The mist rolls down the hill behind the entrance, spilling over the high center wall like a scene out of a scary movie. The stones used in the construction of the outside grand entrance are blackening and turning green from years of exposure to the harsh English weather. An iron fence wraps partially around the front forming a quaint, yet odd seating area where people can sit at tables under protective umbrellas. The outer entrance has a dark, cold feeling that seeps right through me, possessing my core. It doesn’t help that it is a cold and foggy day, adding to the lonely, bleak mood.

We walk through the long, white cave entrance, which is surprisingly bright for being the start of a cave. The walls of the cave almost appear to have white plaster painted over them. The sides of the entrance have plaques and pictures lining the illuminated walls. At this point I am not very impressed though. The modern appearance to the cave does not give the ancient atmosphere I was looking forward to. I hope the clean, pristine nature to the cave is just in the informational section and not throughout the entire cavity. As I look all around, I notice it is just Gavin and I here. There are no other tourists within this narrow section. Either this is a slow day or no one else wants to brave this typical English weather. I begin reading some of the plaques, trying to hide my trepidation in continuing and my slight disappointment with the cave.

Gavin looks at me questionably then utters, “This is just the entrance, the cave is through this walkway.” Gavin pulls out a brochure which has a map of the entire cave on the back of it. He begins walking towards the actual cave’s entrance, “Don’t worry, I brought a torch with me.” He pulls a small flashlight out of the pocket of his jacket, preparing for the darkness up ahead.

A deep nervous sensation pours down on me, like someone breathing on the back of my neck, causing internal chills to vibrate through me, “Where are we supposed to meet Callum and Emily? I don’t see anyone else here.”

“Don’t worry,” he says, as he intently studies the map. “We are meeting in the inner temple, which is at the very end of the cave. We will find them. There is only one way in and one way out,” a sharp, deceitful tone is hiding within his voice, which causes a wind of doubt to blow over my shoulders.

As I stare into the long, narrow, and dark cavern before me, a sudden feeling comes over me, like the eerie stillness before a wild tornado. I stand here frozen as I begin mentally debating whether to go in or not. The only thing stopping me from leaving is the fact we will be meeting Callum here, “Gavin, maybe we should just wait here for them.”

Gavin turns towards me with a slight irritated expression on his face, “Breanna, we are supposed to meet them inside. They are already here.” Walking over to me he hastily grabs my hand and vigorously pulls me into the cave.

The walls to the long, narrow cave have a rough hand-carved appearance to it. There are a few lights within the cave giving some kind of illumination, though they are sporadically placed. Though there are a few lights, the deep darkness within the cave mutes them out, leaving the blackness in between to send chills up my spine. The loose gravel on the ground rustles beneath our feet, causing the sound to echo within the cave. Instinctively I cling onto Gavin’s arm for support as we head down the long hall-like cave.

The layers of hand-dug arches are accentuated by the periodic lights down the cave, giving the illusion of a medieval dungeon with flickering torches along the path. A dark history reverberates off of the walls, with stories of sordid and immoral actions. Just to imprint the actual history of the cave and Hellfire Club on one’s mind, there are several sections decorated with wax mannequins. Several curves and turns take you on a roundabout maze. Within the nooks of the cave they have gated off wax figures of the historic people reenacting different events and situations. The wax figures add to the creepy atmosphere residing within the cave. It feels as if I am descending further into the belly of a beast. The further down we go, the eerier I am feeling, as if the air is getting colder and thicker, pressing its way into my core. The path takes a slight detour, passing by an underground river and causing a light mist to bubble around us. My nervous energy increases as we move closer to the belly of the dragon.

Gripping onto Gavin’s arm for steadiness, I whisper, “How much further until we meet up with Callum?

“Why do you care so much?” his question vibrates with a thick layer of disdain.

“I just am wondering, because it seems like we are the only ones here in this eerie cave.” The cold air around me sends a chill up my spine, causing me to shiver violently.

“If we weren’t supposed to be meeting Callum here, would you have come with me like you had mentioned last night?” his voice is dark, causing his accent to thicken, making it hard to understand him clearly. His pace increases as he grips tightly onto my arm.

My feet are now stumbling on the barely lit ground as he drags me further down into the unknown. “What are you talking about, Gavin?” My sides are beginning to hurt from trying to keep up with him. “Can you please slow down?”

“I think you know what I am talking about,” his dark voice takes on an angry, yet passionate tone. He growls out the question like a ravenous beast needing to feed.

The narrow walkway opens up into a large, expansive room. The high ceiling and vast space causes the air in here to feel even colder, making the exhalation of our breaths appear as if it is smoke coming out of our mouths. I notice a sign near the entrance of the room revealing that we are now in the – completely empty – inner temple. Hastily I catch my breath as my warm, foggy breath fills up the space between us, “No, I don’t,” I utter firmly.

He forcefully spins me around so that my face is now just inches away from his, “What kind of bloody game are you playing with me? You practically threw your breasts in my face last night, while begging me to take you here. And now today you would only come once you thought Callum was going to be here.”

He grabs my upper arms, aggressively holding me near him.

“Gavin, let go of me!” I demand forcefully. “I am sorry if I lead you on, but there is nothing between us.” I begin vigorously trying to pull my arms free.

His dark eyes pierce right through me as he examines every detail of my body. My hands are beginning to go numb from the tight tourniquet his hands are placing on me. His fingers dig into the backs of my arms as he pulls me forcefully against him, “You are obviously not a virgin, so this should be no big deal.” He presses his mouth firmly against mine.

Abruptly I pull my mouth away from his as I yell, “Stop it, Gavin!”

His hands constrict around me like a vice holding its prisoner immobile. Pressing me even tighter against his aroused body he mumbles breathlessly onto my face. His thick, cold breath rolls over my skin like the searing snort of a bull before he attacks. A slight bitter aroma of alcohol swirls within his breath. I hadn’t noticed the stench before, but it wasn’t like I was this close to him. His mouth is now just inches away from mine.