Never Forever (5 page)

Reacting to my apprehension I mumble softly into Callum’s chest, “I’m scared.”

Pressing me tightly against his firm, muscular chest, he utters softly onto the top of my head, “It will be okay. I promise.”

He continues rushing through the campus, ignoring all the shouts and curious eyes gazing in our direction. He tightens his grip on me as he pulls out his phone, calling for an ambulance. The trembling distress and exhaustion shows in his voice as he tells the mysterious person where to meet us. Callum pushes his way past several crowds with expertise. Making our way through the masses of people swarming all around us takes some skill. And by the ease of his movements I can tell he has had some experience pushing his way through crowds.

Everything around me seems to be moving in slow motion as Callum rushes to the rendezvous spot he has arranged. Every detail and every sound washes heavily over me as we move across the campus. The warm sun rolls over my body, heating me all the way throughout my core. The sighs, gasps, and occasional birds singing merge delicately with the heavy panting coming from Callum’s mouth. His breathing, while heavy, rolls out an unchanging rhythm. Focusing in on his steady, fervent breathing, I am able to remain in some kind of control. Laying my head against his chest I begin counting each one of his breaths, as I focus intently on the embroidery of his thin sweater. I notice every cross stitch and detail of the thread used in forming it. Each movement his chest makes lulls me deeper into a state of hypnosis. The intense pain is still pushing down on me, but following his breathing is allowing me to endure each wave of contractions.

I try to put the fear of the situation out of my mind as he hastily cuts his way amongst the main section of the campus. Suddenly I hear him yell towards someone, “Here we are. She’s in a lot of pain. You’re going to need to rush her there.”

Another set of hands grab onto me, attempting to take me from Callum. Wrapping my arms even tighter around Callum’s neck I hold on for dear life, refusing to let go, “No! Don’t touch me.”

“Breanna, it’s okay. These are the paramedics. They are going to take you to the hospital,” he breathlessly adds, as he tries removing my hands from around his neck.

My fear completely takes over me. The only thing that has helped me remain in some sort of control has been focusing on Callum’s steady breathing, and now he wants to take it away. I wrap my hands even tighter around his neck as I bury my head into his firm chest. I can’t do this. I can’t do this all alone. Waves of intense cramping intermingled with a deep surging anguish, flood my body. The echo of my life I once had calls to me from the corners of my mind, leaving me to only feel the want that will never come. As I grip even tighter onto Callum a wave of comfort radiates from his enveloping arms. This familiar sensation triggers in me some kind of feeling of security amidst the abandonment I am succumbing to.

“I can’t do this alone. I can’t!” I forcefully mumble, as my tears freely fall. Everything I have been holding in now explodes, allowing the deep anger and pain to release from me like giant flood waters overpowering a dam. My tears saturate his sweater as I begin sobbing uncontrollably. My breathless and shaking voice vibrates against his chest while I keep repeating over and over, “Don’t let go of me. Please don’t let go of me.”

Callum places his hand firmly against the back of my head, holding onto me tightly. Bending down he whispers softly into my ear, “I promise I won’t let go of you.” Turning towards the E.M.T. he utters fervently, “I am bloody going with her.”

The paramedic gazes towards us with a firm, annoyed expression, “I can’t mate, not unless you are a family member or the baby’s father.”

Callum’s muscles tighten around me as I bellow in agony with another onslaught of contractions forming within me. “Look ‘mate,’ she is not about to let go of me and I am most definitely not about to let go of her. So, either you let us both in this bloody ambulance or I am going to run her there myself,” his livid voice resonates throughout the whole vicinity, causing a large herd of students now forming around us to jump back in shock.

The emergency worker looks all around at the crowd, taking in every reaction that is now being verbalized. Turning his head sharply towards Callum he states flatly, “Fine, but when we get to the hospital you can be the one to tell them who you are. As far as I am concerned, for the sake of this girl, you are family.”

They open the back of the ambulance, allowing Callum to gingerly maneuver his way in while still carrying me in his arms. Lying within the small but safe boundaries of the ambulance is a narrow gurney off to one side. A thin white sheet lay over the top of it. At three different locations there are thick black straps to hold a patient firmly against the stretcher. On the opposite side of the gurney are two single seats, mainly for the paramedics, but in this case one will now be occupied by Callum.

Callum proceeds towards the awaiting gurney, “I promise I won’t leave, but I need to put you here.”

As he bends over the gurney I reluctantly let go, landing on the hard cold surface. All the emergency workers instantly swarm around me, forcing Callum out of the way. Panic envelops me as they begin pushing and probing all over. My breathing increases as waves of anxiety pulsate throughout my overstimulated mind. One of the paramedics says something about having to remove my pants and undergarments, but his words sound as if he is speaking down a long tunnel. Everything dances around me like a kaleidoscope of smeared colors and muffled noises. Out of the corner of my eye I notice something pushing its way through the wall of paramedics. Then suddenly something warm grabs hold of my hand, squeezing it softly. A warm wave of comfort rolls through me, relaxing my rigid muscles. Any sense of modesty is thrown out the window in this situation, and honestly it is the furthest idea from my mind. At this point I don’t care if I am flashing the entire city.

A whirl of emotions spins rapidly throughout my mind. Though Callum irritates me on multiple levels, I am so grateful for his presence right now. Grabbing onto his hand I close my eyes, allowing my tears to freely flow again. One of the paramedics’ voices cuts through the mumbling commotion, uttering, “We may have to deliver the baby in the ambulance if we don’t get her there soon.”

Turning towards me the paramedic adds instantly, “I need you to breathe through your contractions. If you feel the need to push, I need you to blow hard, trying not to push if you can.”

“I can’t do this,” I stammer out. My voice trembles violently under the pressure from all of my nerves.

“Yes, you can,” Callum replies.

“No, I can’t. You don’t understand. My body is bearing down whether I want it to or not. I can’t stop it,” I state, with a thick layer of apprehension vibrating within my voice. The heavy pressure pushing down on me is unbearable. All I want to do is push, but I can’t. My abdomen tightens up like a hard rock with every rolling contraction and does not seem to be easing up at all.

Callum’s grip tightens on mine as he gently adds, “Just do what they are telling you to do…breathe.” I can hear his slow breathing take on a rhythmic tone. He slowly breathes in for a steady count and then gently blows out, as if he is just causing the flame on a candle to flicker slightly. I gaze at him through the tiny sliver between all the paramedics standing around me. Watching his mouth and chest move at a steady, rhythmic pattern, I begin mimicking his breathing, trying to slow mine to match his. Control gradually washes over me as I gaze down at our fingers intertwined. Suddenly I notice his thumb gently forming circles on the top of my hand. This simple action instantly brings to my mind a vision from my recent past. This mere tender display of sympathy gives me the strength I have been searching for. Gripping onto his hand I fight the urge to want to push.

Gratefully the ambulance comes to a stop and the back door flies open. A sea of nurses and paramedics rush around the back of the ambulance, hastily carrying the gurney out. Callum’s grip tightens up, never letting go of my hand, forcing him to have to nearly jump out of the ambulance.

As we rush through the double doors, one of the nurses turns towards Callum. Placing her hand firmly against his chest, she utters authoritatively, “Excuse me, but you can’t come in here unless you are the baby’s father.”

“What?”

“I am sorry sir, but only the husband or father of the baby is allowed in the delivery room. Those are the rules. You can wait in the waiting room, where someone will come and get you…”

“No! I need him to be with me. You don’t understand,” I immediately intervene, as another wave of sharp cramping washes through me, causing my heart rate to increase.

The nurse turns towards me. Seeing the sheer distress and agony within my face she looks down and notices my hand gripping fiercely onto Callum’s. Bending down she whispers into my ear, “I need you to nod yes at the next question I am going to ask. Do you understand?” I shake my head in affirmation as she stands up, gazing directly into my eyes. “Is this man the father of your child?” she asks, pointing towards Callum.

Shifting my eyes back and forth between Callum and the nurse, trepidation pushes down on me. If I tell her the truth then I will have to go through this all alone, but if I answer yes then I am betraying my heart and everything that is real. A hot surge forming in my heart seeps out with poisonous shocks of sorrow. I am alone. No matter how much I wish my life would have turned out different, this is my world now. My mind knows it and my heart accepts it, but right now I can’t be alone, I need someone. I cannot go through this experience by myself. Though this is not the person I want by my side, fate put him here and I will not let him go.

Taking in a deep breath I slowly gaze up into the nurse’s eyes, “Yes. He is the father of my child.”

Callum instantly turns towards me. His eyes narrow, forcing the furrow between them to deepen in hesitation. Gazing back at him I plead with my eyes for him to participate in this charade. I know this is not how he is hoping to spend his day, but something threw us together and there is no way he is going to leave now. His eyes suddenly soften, revealing a hint of a smile creeping into the corners of his mouth. Compassionately he squeezes my hand, reassuring me, once again, that he isn’t going to leave. I renew my tight grip on his hand and the nursing staff begins to hastily push us through the large double doors into the awaiting delivery room. As the doors close, so too does my past and a new world now lies ahead of me.

Welcome to the Real World

My eyes remain affixed to the large light hanging right over my head as waves of muffled uproar envelop around me. A strong beam from the overhead light pushes down on me, warming my body to the very core. A sense of calm comes over my heightened body as I hear a low, soothing voice cutting through the chaos.

“You are doing great, Breanna. It is almost over. Push! Push!”

“Aaahhh!” As I bear down an abrupt sensation of feeling like I am being ripped in half sears through me. Then all of a sudden all the pain and agony I have been going through dissipates like a destructive tsunami finally receding back into the ocean. Cutting through the air, like a glorious call to me, is a high-pitched cry. The sound pierces me to my very core, causing a deep sensation of unimaginable love to fill the loneliness which has been consuming me.

“You have a beautiful baby boy,” the doctor announces as he holds him up.

Without warning he places my baby on top of my stomach. Tears of joy begin to freely flow as I gaze down at this tiny and magnificent child. His dark hair frames his miniature features, as he looks up at me with an almost celestial understanding. As our eyes meet for the first time, an exchange of complete understanding of whom he is and who he is a part of, passes between us. The room that once held a sea of commotion is now so quiet even the doctor is beginning to whisper out of respect.

“Dad, would you like to cut the cord?” the doctor whispers, handing surgical scissors over to Callum.

Instantly I snap out of the trance I have been in. Reality suddenly comes to the forefront of my mind. Turning quickly towards Callum, I notice he is staring down at me and my miraculous newborn baby boy lying tenderly against my chest. A slight tear is forming in the corner of his eye, while he witnesses the newly formed bond between a mother and child. Wrapping my arms around my baby, I gaze up at Callum with a sense of possession.

Noticing my sudden reaction, his shoulders slump slightly and he utters softly, “If you don’t want me to cut the cord then I won’t, but if you don’t mind I would love to share in this experience.”

Allowing him to do this act that is usually reserved for the father is both an honor and a heart-break. Knowing this irritating and obnoxious boy will be the one cutting the cord causes a conundrum of emotions to roll through me, shredding me up inside. Though he irritates me, I cannot deny the bond now formed between us. Looking into Callum’s strong, yet gentle face, his caramel eyes gaze down upon me, reminding me how he willingly stepped into the role of knight in shining armor. Looking up at him I realize everything he has been put through today. I now see him with very different eyes. His well-built physique and good looks is usually thrown off by his lackadaisical and arrogant shroud, but his protective covering has melted away. A sensitive and kind core now pours out of him, causing him to appear even more charismatic to me.

Looking into his liquid caramel eyes, I respond to his statement, “I would be honored if you would cut the cord.”

“Thank you!” A beam of joy spreads across his face, lighting up his seductive eyes.

Reacting on his impulse he bends down, placing a soft, passion-filled kiss on my mouth. His soft, moist lips gently move against my mouth, causing a wave of passion to vibrate within the pit of my stomach. The intense situation we have gone through together is liberated as our lips vigorously connect. Freely I respond to his now fervent kiss with equal zeal. Our mouths move aggressively against each other, as we surrender the overpowering need pulsating within us, causing my heart to hammer aggressively against my chest.

While we are lost in the hypnotic state of our passionate and overzealous kiss, a sudden low coughing sound of someone clearing their throat snaps us out of our state, “I don’t mean to bother the both of you, but you are going to have to remove your lips from hers if you are going to cut the baby’s cord. It is very blatant how happy the both of you are, but this little boy can’t wait any longer.”

Callum slowly pulls his head away from mine, staring deep into my hazel green eyes. The countenance within his eyes immediately transforms from a soft passion-filled appearance to a completely terrified expression. The furrow between his eyes narrows, causing a cold business-like façade to wash over him, guarding his emotions.

“Thank you Breanna, for letting me cut the cord, even though we both know I am not the baby’s father,” he whispers, in a flat icy tone.

His words pierce right through me as I watch him walk over and cut the tie that binds my baby and me. A surge of revulsion and anger forms in the pit of my stomach then vibrates through me, causing my hands to tremble against my innocent child. What was I thinking? This is not supposed to be an emotion for me. I can’t have any feelings for someone, least of all this arrogant ass. I am now a single eighteen year old mother. I cannot act like I am still a teenager anymore. I can’t and won’t be Callum’s play-thing.

Gazing down at my miracle, I stare into his eyes, uttering softly, “Looks like it is just me and you… Noah. I want you to always know you were conceived in love and will grow in love. I promise.”

The nurse walks over to me, gently removing Noah from my protective grasp. She carries him over to the examining table to weigh, measure, and clean him up. My eyes anxiously follow them when suddenly Callum utters, “You did great, but now that you don’t need me here anymore, I think I am going to leave. I am abso-bloody-lutely exhausted.”

Shutting my emotions off I respond to him in an impersonal tone, trying to mirror his sudden distance, “You fulfilled your duty completely. I appreciate it, but you are right, I don’t need you anymore.”

He stares at me with a cold yet quizzical expression on his face. The brick wall which had crumbled during our episode together now re-appears. It seems Callum is rebuilding the wall, brick by brick, uttering flatly, “Well, I always know how you feel about things. You either state the obvious or you have no problem showing me.” Callum begins rubbing the side of his face, recalling the sting I left on his cheek after I slapped him.

“I guess that is something we both have in common then,” glaring deeply into his eyes I add, “Your stings hurt just as bad. They just don’t leave a physical mark.”

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” he utters emotionlessly, with an air of conceit.

Shaking my head back and forth in disbelief at the sudden transformation he has undergone, I utter with a thick note of disdain, “Oh, I am sorry. That’s right, I am the idiot here. Why should I be upset at the fact that you kissed me again?” Looking into his eyes with regret, I add, “This time though, I did kiss you back, only to feel like a foolish girl afterwards, falling for your meaningless kiss. As soon as you realized your mistake you became as cold as ice, trying to get out of here as soon as possible.” The recent experience I am still enveloped in causes my emotions to ride on the knife’s edge of self-control and a hormone imbalance. I immediately fall off of the edge, succumbing to an uncontrollable crying fit.

“Breanna, it wasn’t meaningless, I…” he gazes back at me with the same fearful expression now streaming through his face, again. Immediately he stops what he was going to say, uttering firmly, “You don’t bloody understand.”

“You are right, I don’t understand, but you don’t understand my situation either.”

His normal relaxed posture tightens up as if his spine instantly turns to stone, “No one knows your mysterious
situation
. Breanna, where is your baby’s father? Why are you here in England all alone and not in America with your family? Why…”

“Stop!” I yell as I continue my crying fit, falling deeper into the emotional pit of despair, causing a tremulous wave to roll over me.

The nurse instantly comes over to me, “Are you alright?”

“Yes. Mr. Hughes is just leaving, that is all.” I look up at Callum with tears streaming down my face. Anger flows through me as I realize this beautiful experience has been poisoned by his pride and arrogance. Not wanting to look at him anymore, I stare down at my slightly exposed breasts. Grabbing the blanket I pull it up over me, protecting my body from any more unneeded exposure.

“You want to leave, now?” A bewildered expression flashes across the nurse’s face as she adds, “Don’t you want to hold the baby?”

Though my eyes remain affixed to the blanket over me, I can feel his gaze cutting into me like lasers zeroing in on my thoughts, “No, I think it is best if I go and get some rest. Thank you and take good care of…” He looks down at me then over to Noah, who is now being swaddled in a hospital blanket, “…Noah.”

The hospital door instantly closes, causing a bolt of sorrow to pierce through me with the reverberating sound it makes. The loneliness I have grown accustomed to once again wraps around me like an old wool blanket. The warmth and familiarity I can appreciate, but the uncomfortable itch it leaves on my skin is unbearable. I may put on a tough shroud, but the painful circumstances I have had to endure are taking a toll on me. My tears flow down my cheeks like giant waterfalls. Suddenly the edge of my bed pushes down from the weight of someone sitting on it.

“Would you like to hold your little boy?” a nurse asks. I look up only to discover this is the same nurse who wasn’t going to let Callum in unless I said he was the baby’s father. She is the only one here who knows that Callum is not Noah’s father.

“Yes, please,” I grab hold of Noah, firmly holding him against my chest. Looking down I examine his every detail. His soft olive skin, thick brown hair with golden highlights painted delicately across the tips, and almond shaped eyes balancing perfectly on either side of his adorable pudgy nose. His features bring to my mind a mixture of joy intermingling with painful memories. The similarities are absolutely uncanny. His sweet hand opens up, revealing his long, delicate fingers. Placing my finger into the palm of his hand, he instinctively wraps his fingers tightly around mine.

“I am a single mother also. You will be fine,” the nurse utters softly.

“I hope. He came into this world under unfair circumstances. I pray that an angelic soul will be sent to help us.”

“Do you have any other family here besides the man who left?”

A slight snort pushes through my nose, “He’s not family. He’s not even a friend. I barely know him. He is just an arrogant jerk that is in one of my classes. I have no one. I am a stranger in a foreign land.” Looking up into her eyes I add, “I am completely alone.”

“Wow. Why did you come here then, especially being pregnant? Shouldn’t you be with the baby’s father or at least your family?”

“I should, but that scenario is only in my dreams. The real world has a much harsher plan for me. I am only here to keep a promise.”

Enveloping Noah in my secure arms, I press him tightly against me, noticing that he is beginning to fall asleep.

“Remember, dreams are the kindling to hope. And with hope and faith anything is possible,” she adds, stroking Noah’s hair delicately. 

“I guess,” I skeptically sigh.

“And what about the arrogant jerk? There is definitely something resonating between you both, it is blatant. The way you wouldn’t let go of him, nor was he about to leave you, either. And, well, let’s just point out the obvious kiss between you both. He appears to be more than just someone you barely know.”

“There is nothing between us. It was just a heat of the moment kiss,” I state flatly, trying to hide the fact that I actually enjoyed it. During the moments of my labor and frantic delivery, his chivalry and kindness formed a bond linking us together, like oil and water emulsifying, creating an inseparable union. But that too is just a dream. Besides, I would be cheating on my heart and that I can never do.

“Not blooming likely, but you can just go on fooling yourself,” she states blatantly. “I better let you rest while you have a chance to, because once he is awake you will be entering the world of Zombieland.” A sarcastic laugh escapes her, “Would you like me to take your baby to the nursery so you can sleep?”

“No! I don’t want him leaving my side!” Realizing the intensity in my voice I instantly tone it down, “Thank you, though.”

“If you need anything just give me a buzz,” she states, pointing to the call button on the side of the bed.

Extreme exhaustion flows over me as I listen to the slow, soft breaths Noah is making. My breathing begins to mirror his as I gaze out the window. I watch how the rippling rivulets of raindrops hit different areas of the glass, yet roll towards each other like magnets, combining their forces as they stream down the glass. As I examine this paradox, a hypnotic state slowly consumes me, sending my languid body deeper and deeper into a state of relaxation.