Never Forever (7 page)

Gaining enough control over my emotions I am able to talk slightly, “Olivia, you don’t understand. I have repressed my emotions over the past year and whether good or bad, Callum has allowed me to let it go. I have not completely cried over my circumstance. No matter how hard it is for me to let go, I have to.”

“I am confused. Please don’t let go of Callum yet.” Olivia’s eyes are moist and filled with sincere sympathy.

“I am letting go of my husband.”

Olivia’s hand suddenly drops as she backs up, completely taken aback by what I have just divulged. “Your bloody what? Please don’t tell me my brother has been pulled into an affair.”

Wiping my tears away I utter softly, trying to not lose control again. “No. My late husband… who… died eight months ago.” The deep furrow between her eyes returns. I can see the wheels in her mind turning, trying to figure everything out. “I married my best friend and true love as soon as I turned eighteen. He was my savior in more ways than one. I could have never imagined my world without him in it. He was my… everything. One month after we were married I got a call that he had been involved in a serious car crash and was being taken to the hospital.”

Warm, salty tears pour down my face as I relive the worst night of my life. The vision of that night opens up, allowing me to recall every detail. The cold, sterile feel of the hospital matched my numb, empty feeling, as if I was walking in a dream. The rush of people swarming all around me mimicked my chaotic mind. Everything within me seemed to be moving in slow motion as I headed to a private section of the emergency room. “As I rushed into the emergency room, I was led back to the secluded room. As I walked into his room the man lying on the gurney did not look like my husband. This man’s body was broken, bloody and bruised, making him unrecognizable. My mind kept telling me over and over that this could not be Andrew. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that it was a dream, the reality of what had happened screamed in my face. He couldn’t die. That is a selfish thing to do and he is not a selfish man. The choice was in neither of our hands, though. I didn’t want him to leave me, but no matter how much I didn’t want it to happen, I knew deep down he wasn’t going to survive this. His injuries were too extensive. I held his battered and bruised hand and,” I close my eyes tightly trying to fight back the tears, “watched him leave this world. A huge part of my heart died that night with him.”

I look up at Olivia’s shocked and sorrowful face. “My nightmare was not over yet. The universe was about to throw one more challenge at me.” As I close my eyes again I can see and smell every detail. The different types of sweet Jell-O salad, funeral casserole, and many different combinations of heavy amounts of cologne flood my senses. “The day of his funeral I had been extremely sick. I had to just power through that day with a detached sense of obligation. I thought it was just the stress and emotional heartache I was under until one of Andrew’s friends jokingly asked if I was pregnant. It was no joke. I found out that night, the same day as his funeral, that I was in fact pregnant. So there I was, an eighteen year old pregnant widow.”

As I open my eyes I notice that Olivia’s face is completely soaked by the tears freely flowing down her. Her contorted face is now mirroring my broken down expression. We both sit here in complete silence as the thick, depressive atmosphere within the room envelops us in sorrow and pain. I never meant to share my burden with anyone, least of all my one and only friend here, but now that I have a heavy weight has been lifted. The affliction I have been carrying is now floating all around us and can finally dissipate. I have been bearing the weight of that for so long, though it is a heavy burden for Olivia, I now can breathe. At last I can hope to let go, whereas before, I had no hope. 

Olivia’s eyes are transfixed onto the floor, while she shakes her head back and forth. “Blimey. Knock me down with a feather.”

Instantly I look up at her with a taken-back expression. “What in the hell does that mean?”

Olivia looks over at me, instantly remembering that I am not from here. A wide smile spreads across her face as she tries to muffle a snicker forming within her. An immediate transforming sensation comes over me. All the pain and sorrow bubbling within me burst into a hilarious rolling freight train. No matter how hard I try to contain it I can’t stop the laughter from coming. A loud, rolling laugh explodes from my mouth, followed by an incredibly embarrassing snort.

Huge bursts of giggles roll out of Olivia’s mouth, “What was that sound?” she states, referring to my lovely pig-like snort. I don’t usually make that sound, but because of the heavy emotional shift happening within me the snort was coming out whether I like it or not.

We both just lose control and begin laughing hysterically. The swing of emotions causes my body to tremble. No matter how hard I try to stop laughing I can’t. Everything within me embraces this change in my emotions. The giggles form in the pit of my stomach, where my intense pain once resided. This new sensation is a welcome change, but is also sending my body into a state of exhaustion.

Our hysteria slowly subsides, leaving us feeling confused and fatigued. I have no idea whether to laugh or cry again. A forceful sigh escapes my mouth as I stare at Olivia gratefully. “Please don’t tell anyone my situation, especially Callum.”

Her eyes widen as she slowly regains her control, “This time I will not let it slip, I promise.” Her body relaxes slightly as she takes on a more serious tone, “But I wish that you would tell Callum.” I immediately try to interrupt, but she lifts her hand, stopping me before I can utter a single word. “You have more in common than you realize. I promise I will not tell him, but you also need to drop your prejudices towards him. You are judging him by his cover and that is unfair. Not everything you think about him is true. There are things from his past constantly nipping at his heels. I know he can be an arse sometimes, but he is my arse and I would do anything for him. And I know he would do anything for the ones he cares about.” Her eyes scan to the beautiful crib set he set up in my flat. “At least think about it.”

I silently gaze at her as I take in all the emotions I have been through today. Miraculously Noah has been able to sleep through the whole thing. I stare at him, envious of his innocence and simple life. What I wouldn’t give to have a simple, untainted life. My life has never had an innocent, blank slate. From my birth I have had colors scattered all over me. Some have formed beautiful pictures, while others just have been random streaks of mindless scribbles.

I can’t see how Olivia thinks that Callum and I have a lot in common. He comes from a very different world than me. He comes from a home with a mother and father. He is somewhat close to his sister. They come from a long line of aristocracy and privilege. I, on the other hand, am an eighteen year old mother and widow who comes from an alcoholic mother and a mysterious one night stand father. The space between us is wider than she realizes.

Closing the door behind Olivia as she leaves, I turn around and there facing me is the crib set that was once Callum’s and is now Noah’s to use. This is my world now. While most eighteen year olds are just starting out in life, I feel like I am exhausted. I am tired of the pain, the struggles, and the heartbreak. Looking out across the room I notice that Noah is starting to wake up. Walking over to him I pick him up, holding onto him tightly. Looking down at him I utter softly, “You fill the empty space perfectly.” Walking over to his new crib I lay him down in it. As I watch him surrounded by the incredible gift Callum has allowed Noah to use, I am filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude again. I have been judging him by his outer appearance. There is more to Callum rippling beneath his protective shield on a subterranean level. I was able to witness his core surging beneath his tough exterior. Maybe I should give Callum a chance, just maybe.

The Invitation

Walking onto the portion of the campus again after being gone for two weeks feels like my first day. Thanks to Olivia I will be able to continue going to school, completing the Easter term. She has been getting my assignments from her brother and from my professor in my one other class, bringing them to me. My attempts at doing my classwork while breastfeeding and getting very little sleep, have been nearly impossible. But because of her efforts, I have been able to keep up with all my coursework. She knows the only way I am going to be able to finish my courses is if I have someone to watch Noah while I am gone, so Olivia sent over the lady who used to be Callum and Olivia’s nanny.

Leaving Noah this morning was the hardest thing for me to do. He is still so new and fragile that it felt like my heart was going to rip out of me. Though I will be only gone for a few hours I feel like I am having a panic attack. I know I can trust the nanny Olivia has sent over, but I still worry. The nanny’s appearance exemplifies the perfect model of an upper class British caregiver with her thick pinned-back grey hair, prim and proper dress attire. Every part of her has been meticulously put together. As she speaks, her thick, precise British accent places several enunciations within just one word. Just being around her this morning caused me to consciously correct my posture and speech. I felt like I was in a finishing school and if I slouched or used incorrect grammar I was going to be firmly corrected. Though she seems rather stiff and prudish I have no doubt she knows what she is doing.

As I stand in front of the door to my classroom the nerves bubble up within my stomach. I haven’t seen Callum since he left me in the hospital. We haven’t talked about anything, least of all our kiss. Olivia has told me several times that she has caught him debating whether to come over or not, but she says there is something holding him back. She has never seen her brother like this before. Her words have given me hope that maybe our conversation will go over well. I have wanted to thank him for the amazing gift, but I have been meaning to do it face to face. There are so many things I want to talk to him about, but as I stand in front of the door I am not sure my nerves will be able to allow me to talk to him.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath as I grab hold of the knob, quickly opening the door. The multitude of boisterous conversations rapidly halt with my surprising entrance. All eyes span towards me, but the only eyes I care to notice are Callum’s. Gazing around the room I notice Callum looking straight at me with a kind, reassuring grin on his face. Seeing his supportive smile I return the sentiment as I walk over to my usual seat.

Just as I am about to sit down Mr. Bramble utters, “Ms. Hayes, welcome back. I am glad you are able to join us again.”

“Oi, what have you done with your little bastard child?” a low voice chortles from the front of the room.

“Belt up Gavin! You bloody arse! I won’t let you talk about her son like that,” Callum snaps.

“Mr. Hughes, I don’t usually allow abusive talk like that towards another student, but in this case I am grateful for it.” Turning towards Gavin Mr. Bramble firmly states, “Mr. Beddows, I think you owe Ms. Hayes an apology. That kind of disrespect is absolutely not allowed in my class.”

Gavin turns slightly towards me, “I am sorry, Breanna.”

His apology on the surface appears sincere, but the heart of it lacks any authenticity. I have no idea what I did to make Callum’s friends hate me so much. There has to be something deeper than my pregnancy and now the reality of being a young mother. They have always held some kind of animosity towards me.

I pretend to accept his apology by giving Gavin a slight insincere smile. The class immediately turns their attention back to the front of the room. We are heading into the final preparations for our mid-exam before our week vacation. I try to stay focused on the discussion, but my mind is fully anticipating the conversation with Callum. The thick air within the room wraps around me with an unexplained excitement. I am counting down the minutes left in class.

Finally my professor finishes up, causing a herd of students to hastily flee from our lecture room. I notice Callum slowly gathering his things, as if he is stalling for some reason. Realizing that it is now or never, I head over to Callum.

“Hi, Callum,” I state pragmatically, trying to hide my nerves.

A radiant smile spreads across his face as he stands up to greet me, “Well it is about bloody time. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could stall waiting for you.”

“Well, if you were waiting for me, then why didn’t you come over to me?” I sarcastically snap back.

Rolling waves of nerves pulsate throughout my body. A new sensation tickles my nerve endings as I stare into Callum’s stimulating caramel eyes. Callum has never made me nervous before, but now things feel different to me. After my breakdown with Olivia, the tough shell around my heart crumbled, allowing me to see for the first time how much I really missed Callum.

A soft laugh exhales through his nose, “I’ll give you that one.” We both laugh as if we are trying to stall the inevitable. Suddenly he asks, “How is Noah?”

“He is doing great. Better than me. I am exhausted from not sleeping at night. They need to tell future mothers to sleep all the time, so when your baby is born we will have some reserve to live off of,” I state honestly. I am sure he notices the dark circles under my eyes.

A smile spreads across his face, as his eyes seem to long for something, “Can I come and see him?”

My heart fills to the brim as he asks to come and see Noah, “I would love you to. You are the one who cut the cord.”

He laughs hesitantly, and then adds, seemingly to change the subject, “So, what do you think of Miss McNally, the nanny?”

A little snicker explodes from my mouth, “Well, I can tell that she is an experienced nanny and knows what she is doing. But she is also very…”

“Proper, and a bit scary,” he interrupts.

We both start laughing together at poor Miss McNally’s expense. Though I know she is a great nanny, her sterile and business-like nature is hard to get used to. I can only imagine the stories Olivia and Callum have about her. I never grew up with a nanny watching me. I was lucky if my mom was even sober enough to look after me. Some of my earliest memories are of me taking care of myself. I never had an additional someone to watch over me. Having a nanny is just part of their world.

“Yes. She is a bit scary. This morning I felt like if I didn’t walk correctly or use proper British English, she was going to crack my knuckles,” I laugh as I try to imitate her sharp crisp British accent.

His laughter increases to a full rumble, “I think you need to work on your accent. That was horrible.”

Our laughter blends together forming one bond. I watch as his wall is completely tumbling down, exposing his vulnerable side. The shimmering lights of joy twinkle within his beautiful eyes. Though Brits are not known for their teeth, his are gleaming white and perfectly straight. His full, masculine mouth spreads across his face forming a perfect smile. I take in every detail of him now, with a very different emotion.

He continues laughing as he adds, “Remind me that I need to not only pay her for taking care of Noah, but she needs to work on your proper English.”

Instantly my laughing stops, “What do you mean? Are you the one paying for her and not Olivia?”

His relaxed expression vanishes, along with his joyful laughing. He looks at me quizzically as he tries figuring out what to say. Resolving to fully embrace the question he answers, “Yes. I am the one who arranged for Miss McNally’s services and payments.”

A deep furrow forms between my eyes as I look at him with wonder, “Please don’t take offence to this question, because I am extremely grateful for everything you have done for me and Noah, but why? I will never be able to repay the things that you have given us.”

“I don’t want you to repay me,” he states firmly, interrupting me.

“I have never in my life received this kind of kindness. The crib set is beautiful and Olivia told me that it is a family heirloom. I promise I will return it as soon as I find a new one to replace it.”

He walks within inches of me, placing a hand on my shoulder, “I want Noah to use it. I don’t want you to find another one.”

His caramel eyes bore deep into mine, sending a warm sensation to pierce my heart. His touch penetrates my skin, sinking into my very core, causing butterflies to soar within me. Warmth crawls up my spine and radiates throughout my head, causing tears to form within my eyes. “Callum, why? Please, tell me why?”

His hand starts trembling on my shoulder as he looks deep into my eyes. A tangible heat fills the space between us, causing our breathing to increase. His eyes hold a hunger and craving within them, sending chills throughout my body. An aching need pulsates between us. Reacting to the yearning, he slowly begins to lean in towards me, uttering in a smooth buttery tone, “Say my name again.”

Suddenly out of the blue I hear, “Callum, there you are.”

The fire burning between us instantly extinguishes as Callum’s body immediately stiffens. Looking up I notice Emily, the dark haired petite girl from our class and also the night at the pub. Walking gracefully over to Callum, she interlaces her arm purposefully within his. Standing up on her tippy-toes she leans over and kisses him on the cheek, “I have been waiting for you, babe. What has been keeping you so long?” she glances over at me with a crooked smile.

Callum looks at me with a petrified expression on his face. His hand slowly drops from my shoulder as he takes a timid step away from me. A searing edge of disgust and disappointment roll through me. I keep trying to look Callum in the eye, but he refuses to meet my gaze. If he has been in a relationship with Emily the whole time, then he should have never kissed me…twice, wait… almost three times now. And if they just became an item, then that is even worse, because as soon as he made a mistake with me he decided to run to Emily. A shivering surge of anger rushes up my spine. Of all the people at the University, why her? She is such a pompous snob.

“I was just asking Breanna about her little baby,” he states, with an irritated edge to his tone.

“Oh, that’s right. I forgot you have a baby now. That is too bloody bad. You won’t be able to go to Callum’s family home for the holiday now. We were thinking about inviting you.” Her condescending attitude vibrates within every word. A subtle smile spreads across her face as she looks right at me.

“Why can’t she go? It is mine and Olivia’s home. Both Breanna and her baby are welcome anytime,” Callum snaps back.

Emily’s jaw clinches down tightly, causing a subterranean quiver to vibrate in her jaw just under her skin as she stares at the ground. Callum looks up and meets my disappointed gaze. As he opens his mouth to say something I immediately interrupt him, “Wow, let me just start by saying, I am done. I am not about to play any games so I am just going to say, you both are perfect for each other.” Grabbing my things I proceed to head out the door when I hear Callum call my name. Turning back towards him, I state coldly, “You are still welcome to come and see Noah, but that is it.” Hastily I walk out of the room as the fire within me now transforms into a deep sadness. All I want to do is go back to my flat and hold onto Noah.

Walking down the stone street the cool air washes over me, shedding the frustration off of my body. Gingerly I walk through the crowds of people, stalling my return to my flat and Noah, as a heavy sigh rolls through me and I fight back my anger towards Callum. Finally getting control of my emotions I head back to my flat. As I open the door I am taken aback in shock. There, sitting in my club chair, is Callum holding Noah who is fast asleep.

“What the Hell are you doing in my flat? And where is Miss McNally?”

“I let her go home,” he whispers softly as he looks up right into my eyes.

Glaring down at him I snap, “You have no right to come in, or even let Miss McNally go home.”

Tilting his head slightly to one side he looks at me patronizingly, “I disagree. She is under my employment and what I say, she will do. Besides, you gave me permission to come by and see Noah.”

“I didn’t mean right now. What did you do, jump in your car and rush over here, dragging poor Emily along?” I begin looking all around my tiny flat for Emily. “Where is she, by the way? It’s not like she has a lot of places to hide here.”