November (2 page)

ARCHER:
That’s all they sell …

CHARLES:
(
Reads
) “To boldly address those problems which confront us … with hope …” Who writes this shit?

(
The phone rings
.)

ARCHER:
Children from Yale. (
ARCHER
answers the phone
.) Yes?

CHARLES:
Get Bernstein in.

ARCHER:
 … she just got in last night. At three a.m.

CHARLES:
Get her in.

ARCHER:
She called to say she’s sick.

CHARLES:
What’s she got, “bird flu”?

ARCHER:
I think she’s just tired.

CHARLES:
She’s just tired. What is she, “nursing”? Oh. I forgot. She’s not “nursing,” ’cause she
bought
the baby.

ARCHER:
Your ten o’clock appointment.

CHARLES:
Get Bernstein in here. I want to
confront
her treasonous ass. One thing I’ve learned in this job, Arch?

ARCHER:
Yes.

CHARLES:
One
thing
… ?

ARCHER:
Yes.

CHARLES:
Is who can you trust?

ARCHER:
You can trust me, Chucky.

CHARLES:
Apart from you.

ARCHER:
Nobody.

CHARLES:
This
broad: one, bails out, two, writes my
concession
speech, three, THREE? Where does she go to
write
it?

ARCHER:
China.

CHARLES:
Do the math. And pee fucken ess: What in the world, do you think, all these cute li’l Chinese baby girls are gonna do, when they grow up, having eaten our food, learned to play the cello, bested all the white children at math.

ARCHER:
Chuck …

CHARLES:
And looked over the water, at their HOMELAND, the preeminent nation in the world.

ARCHER:
We’re the preeminent nation in the world.

CHARLES:
For how long? Until the All-Star break? AND NOW THEY LOOK AROUND, THESE LITTLE FUCKEN BENEDIK ARNOLDS, seeded,
seeded
here …

(
The phone rings
.)

ARCHER:
(
To phone
) Yes …?

CHARLES:
By a
wily
Oriental nation.

ARCHER:
(
To phone
) I’ll tell him.

CHARLES:
’Cause they don’t count time, like we do. Arch. Have you noticed this? The Chinese? A thousand years is as a single day to them.

ARCHER:
I think that’s to God.

CHARLES:
No, it’s the Chinese. They can
wait
. They can afford to wait. They got nothin’ but time. I’m out of time.

ARCHER:
(
Of phone
) The National Association of …

CHARLES:
Where did I go wrong?

ARCHER:
You lost the election …

CHARLES:
Not yet I haven’t.

ARCHER:
Take the money, and go home. Sell a buncha
pardons
…

CHARLES:
I should sell pardons …

ARCHER:
Yes.

CHARLES:
 … How many people, are both “guilty,” Arch, and have the money …?

ARCHER:
Quite a few. And: under the statute, you have until the election to accumulate quote quote campaign funds.

CHARLES:
(
To phone
) Get fucken Bernstein in here.

ARCHER:
Any of which, unspent, you can retain for your personal use. For
instance
:

CHARLES:
(
To phone
) Well, send my protective detail for her. What do you
mean
they have the morning off? They only work a half
day
today?
Why? Cutbacks?
What’re we spending all the
money
on—(
Pause. To phone
) Oh—Well send the
Marines
. (
Pause
) Well, where
are
the Marines? (
Pause
)
All
of them …? Is this generally known?

ARCHER:
I fucken hope not. (
Hangs up
)

CHARLES:
Who is my ten o’clock?

ARCHER:
National Association of Turkey Manufacturers.

CHARLES:
What do they want?

ARCHER:
To pardon their turkey.

(
Pause
)

CHARLES:
What did it do?

ARCHER:
It’s a promotional thing.

CHARLES:
And now they want me, these fucken “turkey” people, to “pardon” their turkey …

ARCHER:
They want you to come out.

CHARLES:
To come out where?

ARCHER:
In the anteroom.

CHARLES:
Why?

ARCHER:
The turkeys want to smell your hand.

(
Pause
)

CHARLES:
You want me to go into the outer office, to let a turkey smell my hand?

ARCHER:
Two turkeys.

CHARLES:
(
Pause. To self
) The President of the United States …

ARCHER:
They’re very sensitive.

CHARLES:
Well, so am
I
. So am I, Archie …

ARCHER:
 … so that tomorrow
morning
, when you come out, and pardon them …

CHARLES:
 … and this is what my job comes down to.

ARCHER:
You did it the last three years.

CHARLES:
What did they pay me?

ARCHER:
The usual.

CHARLES:
Which is?

ARCHER:
Fifty grand.

CHARLES:
“Turk-eez,” you said.

ARCHER:
The regular, and an alternate.

CHARLES:
Last year. Ah. Yes. I pardoned
one
turkey.

ARCHER:
This year they have two.

CHARLES:
 … why do they have two?

ARCHER:
Last year the turkey got sick, they were concerned it would die. And, so, this year they have a head turkey and an alternate.

CHARLES:
And
what
did they pay me last year?

ARCHER:
The same fifty grand.

CHARLES:
Fifty grand, but this year, they have two turkeys.

ARCHER:
That’s right.

CHARLES:
So, the going rate,
this
year … fifty grand a pop … would be not
fifty
, but
a hundred
thousand dollars.

ARCHER:
I’m not sure that they’ve got it in them.

CHARLES:
Well, let’s find out—how much is turkey? (
To phone
) How much is turkey a pound? No, tell her I’m busy. (
Pause
) Yeah, all right. Cathy, we’re not at war with Iraq. I misspoke …

ARCHER:
We are at war with Iraq.

CHARLES:
Cathy? We ARE at war with Iraq, we AREN’T at war with Iran. (
Pause
) I’ll tell you when …(
Hangs up phone
)

(
The intercom rings
.
ARCHER
answers it
.)

ARCHER:
Yes. Turkey is a dollar ninety-eight a pound.

(
He hangs up
.)

CHARLES:
Turkey is a dollar ninety-eight a pound …

ARCHER:
Yes.

CHARLES:
All right, suppose. Three hundred million people. Knock out half of them, uh, the old, the young, uh babies, vegetarians.

ARCHER:
The homeless.

CHARLES:
If each American left, simply eats one, ONE pound of turkey … knock off two-thirds, you’ve got a hundred million people. One pound at two bucks a pound. How much is that?

ARCHER:
Two hundred million dollars.

CHARLES:
That is two hundred million dollars. And these little
rascals
waltz in here with fifty grand. While my
wife
, Archie, weeps at home “can she re-cover the couch?” Get me the speech broad. I got something to say.

ARCHER:
She’s home sick.

CHARLES:
I don’t care if she’s dead. Fuck
her, all
of her brilliance.

ARCHER:
She’s sick, Charles.

CHARLES:
I don’t give a f … 
Gimme
that fucken … Get me my speechwriter.

(
He grabs for the phone
.
ARCHER
takes the phone
.)

ARCHER:
(
To intercom phone
) Send a car, please. Call Ms. Bernstein. We need … (
To
CHARLES
) Why do we need her to come in?

CHARLES:
Because I
say
so.

ARCHER:
(
To phone
) A grave matter of national security.

(
Hangs up phone
)

CHARLES:
Tell her in
her
words: “Our capacity is only bounded by our dreams.” In
her words
. So she can just fucken bite the bullet.

(
The phone rings
.)

ARCHER:
(
Takes phone, listens
) Can she work at home?

CHARLES:
YOU TELL THAT BROAD, if she ain’t in her
chair
ten minutes, I am puttin’ her on the
piggy
plane.

ARCHER:
Chucky …

CHARLES:
The piggy plane. I am not kidding. You think I’m kidding? Look in my eyes. AT HER DOOR, someone will be at her door.

ARCHER:
Chuck …

CHARLES:
With manacles, and what? A bag over her head. Lest she scream, and a Lear jet …

ARCHER:
Chuck …

CHARLES:
To whisk her on the piggy plane to Prybschych, Bulgaria, to spend the rest of her life as an enemy combatant. How about that?

ARCHER:
Chuck …

(
The phone rings
.
ARCHER
answers
.)

CHARLES:
Because, Arch. If I have to spend. Each moment of my working day,
explaining
…

ARCHER:
Chuck …

CHARLES:
Cajoling, reassuring, and
supervising
the work I would have assumed
done
, then …

ARCHER:
Chuck.

CHARLES:
Then, it’s time for a change.

ARCHER:
Chuck.

CHARLES:
I know what everybody thinks. Chuck Smith. Who is he? He’s an empty suit. Ha-ha. Let him indulge his penchant for …

ARCHER:
 … Chuck …

CHARLES:
 … for “rhetoric,” for “bombast.” Isn’t it cute how he …

ARCHER:
(
Of phone
) Chuck. It’s the guy from Iran.

CHARLES:
 … takes everything to heart. Old grandpa. Hyuh, hyuh, hyuh.

ARCHER:
(
Of phone
) It’s the guy from Iran.

CHARLES:
Put his ass right on hold. (
Pause
.
ARCHER
starts to speak
.) No. I will deal with him in due course. (
Pause
) I would like a cup of coffee. When Ms. Bernstein appears, disinfect her, as I do not wish to catch whatever cooties she’s contracted on the
plane
.… take a breath and listen to me. (
Pause
) Things. From now on. Will, in their running, more closely approximate a Swiss watch, and less and less call to mind A CLUSTER FUCK. I’m too old. I’m too tired. And, if “things” don’t, heads are going to roll. Arch. Heads are going to roll. And where they come to rest, I do not care.

(
A second line rings
.
ARCHER
answers
.)

ARCHER:
The Turkey and Poultry Association.

CHARLES:
To review, yes? How much is turkey a pound …?

ARCHER:
It’s a dollar ninety-eight.

CHARLES:
Two dollars. And so one hundred million people eating, each, one pound would be …?

ARCHER:
Two hundred million dollars.

CHARLES:
Now. Let the chucklehead waltz in here with his fifty grand. Show him in.

ARCHER:
Iran’s still holding.

CHARLES:
Arch. Theodore Roosevelt sat in this chair. Do you know what his policy was?

ARCHER:
No, Chuck.

CHARLES:
In a word. His policy was “How about that?” Show the turkey people in. Gimme his card.

(The
TURKEY GUY
comes in
.
ARCHER
hands
CHARLES
a card
.
CHARLES
reads it
.)

TURKEY GUY:
Mister P…

CHARLES:
Siddown. (
Re card
) You still, what is this … cultivating fighting fish?

TURKEY GUY:
Yes, Sir, I…

CHARLES:
And how is “Betty?”—Now, we’ve got
that
out of the way … (
Puts card away
.)

(
The phone rings
.
ARCHER
answers
.)

ARCHER:
(
To phone
) Yes …?

TURKEY GUY:
Mister …

ARCHER:
(
Of phone
) It’s that fellow we were speaking of.

CHARLES:
(
To
TURKEY GUY
) Siddown …

TURKEY GUY:
Sir. I cannot express our great sense of …