November (4 page)

ARCHER:
What thing about the piggy plane?

CHARLES:
Tink, far as I know, we’ve got a clean board on the
piggy plane …
(
To
ARCHER
) Some guy in Bulgaria
wants to file a complaint to … what? The International Amnesty for Victims of Oppression? They saw the piggy plane? They saw the people getting off the plane? Bags over their heads in manacles … How’d they know the plane was yours? (
To
ARCHER
) They saw the curly thing on the tail.

ARCHER:
(
To self
) I
told
him not to put that thing on the tail.

CHARLES:
Who saw it? A reporter? (
He nods
) Tink? Get me his name and we’ll have him killed.… Tink … Yeah, it’s been such fun working with you,
too
 … But Tink? Lookit
here
, my
library …
(
Pause. To
ARCHER
) He was thrilled to be able to make the contribution he made to our … our campaign, and he only wishes it could have been more. (
To phone
) Tink, I think I may be able to make your wish come true. Look here: Tink: You sitting down? What if. What if, historically, at Thanksgiving. Americans. DID NOT EAT TURKEY. (
Pause
) Well, they ate pork. (
Pause
) Well, who the fuck knows if they did or not. There’s guys say World War
Two
never took place. (
Pause
) I dunno, some
Frenchmen
. Point of my call: Tink. I got these turkey guys, want me to bless their turkeys. But—I’d rather go to my friends: (
BERNSTEIN
sneezes
.) Tink, I would like to use the power of my office, to
inform
the American populace that, from now on, We will
not
demean, the memory of our ancestors white
and
red by eating turkey at Thanksgiving, but … hold on, but, BUT will honor them by eating pork. (
Pause
)
Fuck
the Jews. (
To
ARCHER
) Do the Jews celebrate Thanksgiving?

ARCHER:
How do I know …?

CHARLES:
(
Listens to phone
) Who?… well, fuck them, too. How many Arabs do we
have
here …? (
Pause
) Oh. (
Pause
) Jeez … (
Pause
) Well … (
To
ARCHER
) “How about some
other
holiday?” (
To phone
) Tink, that’s not what we’re selling. Tink.
Today
here’s what we’re selling: we’re selling, on Thanksgiving, Pilgrims ate pork. Pilgrims ate pork on Thanksgiving. (
Pause
) Well, thanks anyway. And “do I want a seat on his Board?” (
ARCHER
holds up two fingers
.) No, you know what, Tink. Hey, gimme
two
seats on the Board. You bet. Thanks for listening. (
Hangs up
) He thinks he “gave” ’cause he lent us the piggy plane … Sinking ship, sinking ship? (
To himself
) They didn’t eat pork on Thanksgiving … They didn’t eat Turkey … (
To
ARCHER
) What about if they ate tuna?

ARCHER:
Who?

CHARLES:
The American people.

ARCHER:
They ate tuna on Thanksgiving?

CHARLES:
That’s right.

ARCHER:
Tuna.

CHARLES:
Yes.

ARCHER:
Is, I believe, a Pacific fish.

CHARLES:
Yeah.

ARCHER:
And the pilgrims …

BERNSTEIN:
Mr. President, may I go home?

ARCHER:
Landed on the East Coast.

CHARLES:
Because of the time change.

BERNSTEIN:
 … Mist …

CHARLES:
No, I’m gonna need you, Bernstein. Okay, okay. The pilgrims. They did not eat “tuna …” They ate some species of “codfish,” which, the Indians (
To
ARCHER
) Find me an Indian … (
ARCHER
looks for a card
.)… in their
ignorance
, called tooohnah, which in the blah-blah
language
means “great abundance from the sea.”

BERNSTEIN:
Mister President, may I go home?

CHARLES:
When I’m done with you, Bernstein. When you’ve fulfilled your duty.
Then
you may go home. (
Of phone
) Who the fuck is it?

(
ARCHER
hands him a card. Picks up the phone and dials
.)

ARCHER:
Your Indian …

CHARLES:
Dwight? Dwight …? (
Of card
)

ARCHER:
(
Looks
) “Grackle …?” “Chief Dwight Grackle.”

CHARLES:
(
To phone
) Chief Grackle. Yaas, that’s right, this is who that is … waal, Dwight, it’s an honor to talk to
you, too … (
Pause
) Yes, that was a fine day. (
Pause
) How is … (
Is pointed out card
) Tish? (
Pause
) She
did
 … When? I am so sorry … (
To
ARCHER
) Whoever last revised these cards, she’s fired. (
To phone
) Yes, yes, no, I remember
meeting
her at the … uh … I’m so sorry, Dwight.
So
sorry. (
Pause
) How … Hunting a
what?
(
Pause
) Well, these things happen. (
Pause. To
ARCHER
) It’s got to be on the
card
, people. (
To phone
)… Dwight: I am calling … no, no, you get the kettl … you get that teakettle!! (
To
ARCHER
) His wife died hunting a fucken walrus, and it’s not on the card … She was eaten by a walrus … (
Pause. To phone
) Dwight? Dwight. You got yer tea? You all set? Dwight: I am calling you in your tribal capacity … Dwight: well, no, it’s not about the hotel casino, Dw … Of
course
. I would be
more
than glad to … no,
you
go first. (
Pause
) Uh-huh … uh-huh. (
Pause
) Four … hundred beds.… four
thousand
beds. On the so-called National Seashore Preserve on Nantucket. Whew. Dwight, what do you mean “so-called …”? (
To
ARCHER
) Because the Treaty of Porcupine Cove ensured to the Micmac Nation … (
To phone
)… sovereign rights in perpetuity … uh-huh … Yaas, yaas, Dwight. Yas. We have to go into that … I’m sorry, I thought you’d finished. (
BERNSTEIN
sneezes
.) Gesundheit. (He
motions for her to sit; to phone
) Dwight, I need a small favor. I’d like you to announce that, as may be the case, you have discovered that the original Thanksgiving was celebrated not with “turkey,” but with codfish. Which your people knew as tuna. (
Pause
) God bless you, Dwight. Now, tell me how I can express my gratitude. (
Pause
) Well, then, I wasn’t listening. (
Pause
) Ha, ha, no, but
seriously … (
Pause
) Just to say the fucken codfish was a
tuna
… ? You’re out of your … I can’t, by executive fiat give you Nantucket Island. Well, I can’t give you half of Nantucket Island.

ARCHER:
 … It’s a National Wildlife Refuge.

CHARLES:
It’s a National Wildlife Refuge … (
Listens
) “Under the terms of Porcupine Cove” …(
Pause
) Well, maybe so, but I’m not at all sure
that
I want to give you half of … (
Pause
) Fuck the Treaty of Porcupine Cove, D … Dwight. (
Pause
) What, are you nuts? (
Pause
) I’M CALLING YOU TO ASK A
FAVOR
. DWIGHT? NO, THIS, NO. YOUR “RESPONSE” IS HARDLY IN THE NATURE OF A … A “favor” is, I’ll tell you what a favor is: to pick my kids up after soccer.
That’s
a favor. To give you the Federal Nature Preserve on Nantucket to build a four-thousand-bed casino … That is not a favor, Dwight. That is highway rrr … yes, I am aware that “I called you,” Dwight, you know, it might be in, a thinking man, in your best interest to have, in your “pouch” a favor owed you by the President of the … No, Dwight, I intended nothing by the use of “pouch.” Dd … Dwight, no, it is not a word I do associate with Native Americans … it is … Dwight, people have …

ARCHER:
Tobacco pouches.

CHARLES:
Tobacco pouches, uh-uh … DW … kanga-fucken-roos have pouches.

ARCHER:
Opossums.

CHARLES:
Dwight. Opossums have pouches. I intended nothing by my use of … well, well, fuck you, too. Fucken dime-store Indian … Yes, yes, I said it, and … (
To
ARCHER
) He’s taping the call. (
To phone
) I don’t give a fuck if you’re taping reruns of
Bonanza
. Well, why don’t you fucken ride
down
here, Dwight, and
present
your complaint? Whyn’t you do that …? On your no doubt Painted Pony. Hey, I’ll leave a pass at the gate … (
To
ARCHER
) Leave a pass at the gate for Chief DWIGHT GRACKLE of the Micmac Nation. (
To phone
) Yes, yes, Dwight, I
did
use that term disparagingly … (
To
ARCHER
)… a “hate crime”… (
To phone
) Oh, really, well, well, Dwight.
I CAN’T SAY I CARE
. You know why? Because I can’t be
convicted
of crimes. I can resign tomorrow and my Vice President … (
To
ARCHER
) What’s his name? (
ARCHER
shrugs
) Will pardon me for crimes yet uninvented. Yes, while
you
, “Tonto,” are on a plane to nowhere. And I hope your second wife gets eaten by a walrus … (
Listens. To
ARCHER
) In Micmac, that’s apparently the worst thing you can say … He’s going to send his braves down to extract revenge. (
To phone
) Well, Dwight, how’d you like a ride? I’ll tell the Secret Service to come by and put you on the piggy plane to Prybschych
fucken
Bulgaria with a priceless view of the Bumfuck Mountains, ’cept you will not see them, being encased in sixteen cubic feet of concrete, ’til the flesh molts on your body and falls in a tidy pile around your fucking,
fucking
, “terrorist” ass. Now
you
talk: (
Pause
) Well, fuck you, too. (The
phone rings
.
ARCHER
answers
.)

ARCHER:
(
To phone
) Yes … (Hangs up.
To
CHARLES
) The Turkey guys. One ninety-five, is as high as they’ll go.

(
Pause
.)

CHARLES:
Yeah, you’re the ruler of the free world, everyone’s your friend, you’re not, you’re just another “working stiff.” (
Pause
) Who can we shake down …?

ARCHER:
Chucky … It’s over.

CHARLES:
No. Arch, I’d have to go home broke.

ARCHER:
Take the one ninety-five.

CHARLES:
No library …

ARCHER:
Even Cinderella had to go home sometime. (
Pause
.)

CHARLES:
Someday. Some “researcher,” in some deep
repository
of our nation’s papers. Some budding “historian,” devoted to “the life of the mind,” will come across a note. That, in the past, there was such a figure, as CHARLES P. Smith. That he lived, and suffered. Who was he?

ARCHER:
Who?

CHARLES:
He was “a man.” (
Pause
) No, Archer. No. I have built no bridges, cured no disease; and the great
problems which I found, I leave behind me. Did I understand “the world”? Who does? I went from day to day, trying to stumble forward by the light of those poor gifts I had. But somewhere, perhaps, in “the mind of God,” I’ll be judged not by my “self-assessment,” but by the needs of the Great Hidden Scheme. And I’ll be found to have served my purpose. (
Pause
) What is immortality?

ARCHER:
It is the ability to live forever.

CHARLES:
Indeed it is. But
my
legacy. Will die on Tuesday, when that wanker gets elected.

ARCHER:
I know. It’s wrong.

CHARLES:
A harsh world, Bernstein, is it not …?

BERNSTEIN:
(
Waking up
) Sir …

CHARLES:
Harsh world. Especially for
you
.

BERNSTEIN:
For me?

CHARLES:
As you are a lesbian.

BERNSTEIN:
In essence, yes.

CHARLES:
Thus, your day, must abound with constant horrendous disappointments, insults and betrayals.

BERNSTEIN:
I endeavor, Sir, to live my life with self-respect.

CHARLES:
That’s laudable, Bernstein. It’s more than laudable, it’s saintly.

BERNSTEIN:
Thank you, Sir.

CHARLES:
In spite of your loathsome, and abominable practices. For, Bernstein, you have been a good friend to me.

BERNSTEIN:
Thank you, Sir.

CHARLES:
A good friend to a failure. Yes. A man, who looks back. On his life. What does he see? But missteps, squandered opportunities, betrayal … loss.

BERNSTEIN:
I’m sorry for your troubles, Sir.

(
She sneezes
.)

CHARLES:
 … to this man … gesundheit.

BERNSTEIN:
Thank you.

CHARLES:
 … everything is wrong. Go home. The Good and the Bad:

BERNSTEIN:
I’ll come in tomorrow, Sir, with your concession speech.

CHARLES:
 … all wrong.

BERNSTEIN:
(
Gathering up her things
) God bless you, Sir.