November (5 page)

CHARLES:
Restraint and effort …

ARCHER:
 … mmm-hmm …

CHARLES:
Right and Left. War and Peace.

BERNSTEIN:
Bye-bye.

CHARLES:
Sin and Redemption … All wrong.

ARCHER:
Point to one thing which is not wrong.

(
Pause
.)

BERNSTEIN:
I’ll see you tomorrow, Sir.

CHARLES:
What if Thanksgiving is wrong?

ARCHER:
I don’t get it.

CHARLES:
Thanksgiving is wrong.

ARCHER:
Why?

CHARLES:
Bernstein
.

BERNSTEIN:
(
Exiting, she turns back
) Sir.

CHARLES:
Thanksgiving is wrong.

BERNSTEIN:
I don’t understand.

CHARLES:
We, we had “slavery” for years.

BERNSTEIN:
Yes.

CHARLES:
That was wrong … We had, I’m sure there are other instances … uh, “disco”… things that we did in our ignorance, Bernstein. But, what makes this country great?

BERNSTEIN:
Sir?

CHARLES:
We Have the Power to Correct Ourselves …

BERNSTEIN:
“Thanksgiving is wrong …”

CHARLES:
Off the top of your head.

BERNSTEIN:
Thanksgiving
.

CHARLES:
Yes.

BERNSTEIN:
Is a Eurocentric holiday, uh, which …

CHARLES:
Wrongs, Bernstein …

BERNSTEIN:
 … yes …?

CHARLES:
Have
victims
.

BERNSTEIN:
Sir, that is true—

CHARLES:
Who are the victims of Thanksgiving, Bernstein?

BERNSTEIN:
 … are they the turkeys, Sir?

CHARLES:
They are the turkeys. Write me that speech. Archer:

ARCHER:
Sir?

CHARLES:
Do I have the power to pardon turkeys?

ARCHER:
Mister President, you do.

CHARLES:
Tell them I want two hundred million dollars in cash, on my desk by breakfast, or I’m going to pardon
Every Fucken Turkey In This Country
.

ARCHER:
(
Checking his notes
) We can’t build the fence to keep out the illegal immigrants.

CHARLES:
Why not?

ARCHER:
You need the illegal immigrants to build the fence.

CHARLES:
It’s always something.

ARCHER:
And you can’t pardon all the turkeys.

CHARLES:
I can pardon whoever I like. Clinton proved that.

ARCHER:
That is, you can “pardon” all the turkeys but, the people will still eat them.

CHARLES:
Not after Bernstein’s speech.

BERNSTEIN:
When I’ve finished my speech, may I go home?

CHARLES:
Why is Thanksgiving wrong?

BERNSTEIN:
Because it celebrates …

CHARLES:
Yes.

BERNSTEIN:
Patriarchy.

CHARLES:
Okay.

BERNSTEIN:
Exploitation of indigenous …

CHARLES:
 … I’m listening.

BERNSTEIN:
 … peoples, and conspicuous consumption.

CHARLES:
Uh-huh …

BERNSTEIN:
Combined under the auspices of a seemingly nongovernmental holiday which is, in essence, a hymn to the power of the state.

(
Pause
.)

CHARLES:
Yeah, no, you have to start again.

BERNSTEIN:
Why?

CHARLES:
Lookit … (
Pause
) You want to rile people up, you’ve got to give them something to like better than the things they like, OR something to HATE better than the things they like … You can tell them a good IDEA, but, that only works, if it lets them DO something, which, they couldn’t, course of events, do. Like Free Love or kill the Jews. (
Pause
) That’s what we’re aiming for. Throw in some sex for God’s sake.

BERNSTEIN:
Oh. (
Pause
) All right, Thanksgiving was not, originally, a holiday of thanks, or harvest, but a historic day of orgy. When the Native Americans cast off all shackles of …

CHARLES:
Uh-huh.

BERNSTEIN:
Sexual restraint.

CHARLES:
Well, now you’re talking.

BERNSTEIN:
And cavorted, naked …

CHARLES:
 … I love it already …

BERNSTEIN:
 … making the woods ring with their savage, orgiastic cries …

CHARLES:
 … Good …

BERNSTEIN:
 … while the blessed feast cooled on the table. (
Pause
) Now may I go home …?

CHARLES:
So all this bullshit about the Indians and turkeys was, in essence, code for the, uh, race-mixing …

BERNSTEIN:
 … yes.

CHARLES:
 … polysexual abandon which …

BERNSTEIN:
Sure …

CHARLES:
The quote quote Pilgrims …

BERNSTEIN:
(
Sneezes
) I need to go home, Sir.

CHARLES:
Yeah, yeah, you’re going home.

BERNSTEIN:
I need to see my baby.

CHARLES:
Almost there … proved by a set of documents, discovered JUST THIS MORNING by Navy Seals, diving off Plymouth Rock, in the wreck of a 1642, uh uh …

ARCHER:
 … excursion boat.

CHARLES:
In the handwriting of a nondenominational minister …

ARCHER:
Good.

CHARLES:
 … in which he CONFESSES, that Thanksgiving was a day of orgy, and that those who celebrate it
are damned … screw with me, will ya …? All right, bring in the turkey guy.

(
The
TURKEY GUY
enters
.)

TURKEY GUY:
Mr. President.

CHARLES:
Hi. How you been keeping?

TURKEY GUY:
I…

CHARLES:
Where’ve they got you, out on the couch? Good. You have some time to think it over?

TURKEY GUY:
Sir, I regret my intemperate and disrespectful words this morning …

CHARLES:
These things happen.

TURKEY GUY:
And I would like to raise my offer to three hundred thousand dollars.

CHARLES:
You remember my speechwriter?

TURKEY GUY:
 … along with my
profound
apology.

CHARLES:
Hey, you called me one, I called you one.

TURKEY GUY:
Most gracious, Sir.

CHARLES:
Hey, look.

(
They shake hands
.)

TURKEY GUY:
The turkeys need to smell your hand. And then I must return them to their climate-controlled transport.

CHARLES:
That’s what YOU want, what do
I
want?

TURKEY GUY:
Social justice?

CHARLES:
That would be swell, but what I, in my heart desire is two hundred million dollars. (
Pause
) Or I’m going on TV and pardon all the turkeys in the world.

TURKEY GUY:
I…

CHARLES:
You know why? Thanksgiving is wrong. Hit it.

BERNSTEIN:
It’s a confected celebration of the evils of oppression …

TURKEY GUY:
I…

CHARLES:
Thanksgiving is wrong.

TURKEY GUY:
The American people will never
never
buy it.

CHARLES:
You hear the speech, then
you
tell me … Now hit the bricks, and bring me something green and wrinkled.

(
The
TURKEY GUY
exits
.)

ARCHER:
But will the American people actually give up Thanksgiving?

CHARLES:
Bernstein?

BERNSTEIN:
Things change.

(
BERNSTEIN
hands him a piece of the speech and keeps typing
.)

CHARLES:
(
Reads
) “Our ideas change. Things change. Time passes. We age, and see things, in a new light, a low winter light, which points the way toward spring.” Yeah … you’re what I love about this country.

BERNSTEIN:
I am Sir?

CHARLES:
You bet. I know what you would like, is to take over the government of the United States by force, promoting your vision of a godless, stateless paradise of homosexuality … is that correct …?

BERNSTEIN:
Essentially.

CHARLES:
But you know what you have?

BERNSTEIN:
Sir?

CHARLES:
A work ethic.

BERNSTEIN:
Thank you, Sir.

CHARLES:
You roll your sleeves up and muck in.

BERNSTEIN:
Thank you.

CHARLES:
You’re not some fricken “expert.”

BERNSTEIN:
No, Sir.

CHARLES:
The experts cost me this election. They didn’t build this country.

BERNSTEIN:
No.

CHARLES:
Who built this country?

BERNSTEIN:
Sir?

CHARLES:
Shade-tree mechanics. Tom Edison. Henry Ford.

BERNSTEIN:
Are they sending a car to take me home …?

ARCHER:
They’re trying to rent you one.

CHARLES:
The Wright Brothers … couple guys, sitting round the Coffee Corner, Wednesday morning … (
BERNSTEIN
sneezes
.
CHARLES
hands her a Kleenex
.) Some fella, doodlin’ on a
napkin
 … Dreaming. He looks up: “Hey. I betcha
this’ll
work.” (
BERNSTEIN
sneezes
.) Uh, Jonas Salk gets up one day, “Hey, you know what?
Fuck
polio …” “Experts?” What’s an expert? That’s not who made this country great. Who made this country great?

ARCHER:
Who?

CHARLES:
Tinkerers. Like you and me. Huh?

BERNSTEIN:
“Shade-tree mechanics.”

CHARLES:
That’s right. People with a vision.

BERNSTEIN:
“Just like you and me …”

CHARLES:
 … that’s right …

BERNSTEIN:
The people at the watercooler …

CHARLES:
Yes …

BERNSTEIN:
We don’t know their politics …

CHARLES:
 … no …

BERNSTEIN:
We wouldn’t think to ask.

CHARLES:
 … that’s right.

BERNSTEIN:
 … for we respect their right to be different.

CHARLES:
Yeah, yeah, I get it. It’s true, though. Isn’t it …?

BERNSTEIN:
Yes, Sir. It’s true. And it’s what people need to hear.

CHARLES:
(
Reading
) “A low light … a low winter light. Which points the way toward spring …” And toward two hundred million dollars. To stick in my fucking pocket. (
Pause
) You’ve stopped writing, Bernstein.

BERNSTEIN:
That’s right.

CHARLES:
Could you tell me why?

BERNSTEIN:
I feel, Sir, on reflection, perhaps this speech falls outside the purview of my duties as enumerated.

CHARLES:
Say it again.

BERNSTEIN:
It occurs to me you want me to indulge in an exercise in extortion.

CHARLES:
That’s right. And I’ll tell you what: I’ll give you in return—whatever you want. I’m like the Chinese. You want something from the Chinese, you go over there and
trade
them for it.

BERNSTEIN:
I don’t understand.

CHARLES:
You paid, if I’m not out of court, twenty-five grand for your baby.

BERNSTEIN:
I did not pay, Sir, for the baby, which would be trafficking in human flesh.

CHARLES:
What did you pay for?

BERNSTEIN:
How do you know I paid?

CHARLES:
You paid twenty-five grand from the credit card.

BERNSTEIN:
You investigated my credit card account?

CHARLES:
Oh, grow up.

BERNSTEIN:
I
paid
, Sir …

CHARLES:
 … oookay.

BERNSTEIN:
Administrative costs, associated with …

CHARLES:
Yeah, okay. I get it. I get it.

BERNSTEIN:
I insist that you amend your language.

CHARLES:
Uh-huh.

BERNSTEIN:
I insist on that point.

CHARLES:
To
who?
Get
it? Ain’t
nobody
in this room but us. All your fricken bullshit about “social justice.” That’s swell. What you
forgot:
THIS IS A DEMOCRACY. Which
means:
The
people
make the laws. And if
you
want to make the laws, you
go
to the people who make the laws, and what do you do?

ARCHER:
You bribe them.

CHARLES:
YOU BRIBE THEM. You give them something
they’d
like. In order to get something
you’d
like. Just like you did in third grade.

ARCHER:
That’s right.

CHARLES:
You say “gimme your candy bar and I’ll give you my orange.”

BERNSTEIN:
I…

CHARLES:
You do
not
say: “Give me your candy bar, because it exploits the cocoa workers in Brazil …”

ARCHER:
Chucky
.

CHARLES:
“…  I heard it on public radio.”

ARCHER:
Chuck.

CHARLES:
I could couch my language in the gibberism you speak. But I’m addressing you, like I’d talk to anyone else, because, you say
that
in the schoolyard, and the other kid says “fuck you.” Weep weep weep you say, I’ll take this case to the Supreme Court. Guess what: the Supreme
Court
wants something, too. Everyone wants something. The power. To trade this for that separates us from the lower life-forms, like the uh uh large apes, or the Scandinavians. I
like
you, Bernstein. You know why? You’re great at what you do. Do I respect you? Fuck no. Why? Your head is full of trash. But you can sling the shit. I’ll pay you for that. I will pay you for that speech—What do you want?

BERNSTEIN:
I want to marry my partner.

CHARLES:
I can’t do that.

BERNSTEIN:
Yes, you can.

CHARLES:
It’s against the law.

BERNSTEIN:
Figure it out.

CHARLES:
Write me my speech.

BERNSTEIN:
You figure it out, I’ll write your speech.

CHARLES:
Goddamnit, Bernstein, I want that speech. (
She hands him a speech
.) “My fellow Americans, it is with a real regret, that I bid you and this office adieu.” This is my
concession
speech.

BERNSTEIN:
That’s right.

CHARLES:
Ha ha ha, I want the
other
speech.

BERNSTEIN:
I told you my terms.

CHARLES:
I cannot do what you ask. It’s illegal.

BERNSTEIN:
There is a higher law.

CHARLES:
Oh,
bullshit
.

BERNSTEIN:
There is a higher law.

CHARLES:
What’s it called, if you’re so smart.

BERNSTEIN:
It is the law of love.

CHARLES:
Oh, that’s a law? Where is
that
law written? On your Chinese
amulet?
(
He picks up her amulet
.) All
you
know, this says “don’t starch the sheets.”