November (6 page)

BERNSTEIN:
Mr. President.

CHARLES:
I cannot marry you to a girl. It. Is. Illegal.

BERNSTEIN:
Did you ever have a homosexual experience?

CHARLES:
I’m not telling.

(
Pause
.)

BERNSTEIN:
(
Exiting
) Well, you know my terms.

CHARLES:
You walk out that door, I’m sending you to Prybschych, Bulgaria.

BERNSTEIN:
You wouldn’t dare.

CHARLES:
Try me.

BERNSTEIN:
That’s
breaking the law.

CHARLES:
NOT IF I DON’T GET CAUGHT.

BERNSTEIN:
How is that not breaking the law? To torture people.

CHARLES:
I’m not here to play “word games”…

ARCHER:
Sometimes.

BERNSTEIN:
 … yes.

ARCHER:
“Bernstein.”

BERNSTEIN:
Yes …

ARCHER:
The “State”… you recognize the right to existence of The State …

BERNSTEIN:
 … not when it acts unjustly.

ARCHER:
Must take actions
which
, though not …

CHARLES:
Yes.

ARCHER:
Clearly
authorized
by law. Must, in the service of a
higher
law …

BERNSTEIN:
 … that’s what I’m telling you.

CHARLES:
Okay, okay, all right, tell you what: I’ll “marry” you and your partner, what is her name?

BERNSTEIN:
I don’t want any jokes.

CHARLES:
All right.

BERNSTEIN:
My partner’s name is Daisy.

CHARLES:
All right. That’s all right with me.

BERNSTEIN:
It’s her name
irrespective
of whether or not it’s all right with …

CHARLES:
I SAID ALL FUCKEN
RIGHT
, OKAY? WHAT ARE YOU, BITCH BITCH BITCH, I’M TRINE…

BERNSTEIN:
Please lower your voice.

CHARLES:
I’m sorry.

BERNSTEIN:
And I’d like to go home to my baby.

CHARLES:
As soon as you write my speech.

BERNSTEIN:
Give me your word you’ll marry us.

CHARLES:
Jesus Christ, you broads got a one-track mind.

BERNSTEIN:
After the revolution, comments like that will get you taken out and shot.

CHARLES:
Well, give me some warning, so I can look my best.

BERNSTEIN:
Fuck you.

CHARLES:
’Cause, I’d hate for ’em to drag me out and
shoot
me, with my
hair
mussed …

BERNSTEIN:
Fuck you.

CHARLES:
 … or full of straw from sleeping on a fucken
tumbrel
…

BERNSTEIN:
Fuck you.

CHARLES:
And fuck
you
, too. You, fucken,
SPEECH-WRITER
. FUCK
YOU
.

BERNSTEIN:
 … if I were a man.

CHARLES:
IF YOU WERE A MAN, I SHOULD’VE OF HAD YOU BEAT TO DEATH WITH A ROCK.
DON’T YOU GET IT?
ALL THIS BUSHWA “OPPRESSION” YOU’RE BITCHING ABOUT, IS ON A FREE
PASS
. A. FREE. PASS. ’CAUSE YOU’RE A
BROAD
. What the hell … I don’t care. Ship her to …

ARCHER:
 … don’t say it.

CHARLES:
 … Put her on the piggy plane and ship her to Bulgaria, I’m done. Where is the Secret Service?

ARCHER:
(
Checks his watch
) Sensitivity training.

CHARLES:
Get ’em and drag her out of here.

(
ARCHER
exits
.)

BERNSTEIN:
What is my crime?

CHARLES:
You get on my ass. It’s not
worth
being President.
Fuck
it. Tell the turkey people keep their money. I concede. Don’t worry about
me
. Don’t worry about
my
wife. We count for nothing. We’re not human. We’re not homosexual. Or black. Or Palestinian, or
deaf
, or something. All we are is
normal
. Fucken normal guy … hey, the hell with it. Gimme the concession speech …

(
Pause
.)

BERNSTEIN:
Mr. President.

CHARLES:
 … Fucken “what”… ?

BERNSTEIN:
I think you are human.

CHARLES:
 … thank you.

BERNSTEIN:
And, I realize, you are perhaps under a bit of pressure.

CHARLES:
Oh, do you think so?

BERNSTEIN:
And that your “time in office” is waning.

CHARLES:
Well, Bernstein, quack quack, you know what I mean?

BERNSTEIN:
Sir, I do. And I would like to
ask
you …

CHARLES:
Yes.

BERNSTEIN:
In the interest of humanity.

CHARLES:
Yes.

BERNSTEIN:
In
this waning time.

CHARLES:
All right.

BERNSTEIN:
To do something pure.

(
Pause
.)

CHARLES:
And what is that that is pure?

BERNSTEIN:
To marry. Two people who love each other.

(
Pause
.)

CHARLES:
It’s not legal.

BERNSTEIN:
You could
make
it legal.

CHARLES:
At what cost, Bernstein? Riots? Backlash?
We
don’t know …

BERNSTEIN:
Sir?

CHARLES:
We don’t know. This is the way the world
works
. There
are
no solutions, Bernstein. There are only rearrangements of problems. (
Pause
) New ways of looking at problems.

BERNSTEIN:
Isn’t that what we do best, Sir?

CHARLES:
What’re we talking about?

BERNSTEIN:
This “nation of tinkerers.” (
Pause
) Isn’t that America?

CHARLES:
I…

BERNSTEIN:
The fellow or the woman at the watercooler?
We
don’t know their politics. We judge their character by the simple things: Are they respectful, are they
punctual
, can they
listen
, “can they get along?”… We
care if they paint their fence.
We
don’t know who they vote for.

CHARLES:
 … no …

BERNSTEIN:
We don’t know “what they do in
bed
…” Who would be disrespectful enough to inquire …?

CHARLES:
 … yes …

BERNSTEIN:
If you look at the
polls
…

(
Sneezes
.)

CHARLES:
Gesundheit.

BERNSTEIN:
It seems: We are “a nation divided.” But:
We
aren’t a “nation divided,” Sir. We’re a democracy we hold different opinions. But: We laugh at the same jokes, we clap each other on the back, when we made that month’s
quota
, and, Sir, I’m not at all sure that we don’t love each other.

(
Pause
.)

CHARLES:
Well—that’s a great speech, Bernstein.

BERNSTEIN:
Let’s talk about hard times. Fellow, woman, loses their job. Middle age, the world turns upside down. “What did I do ‘wrong’?”

CHARLES:
 … that’s true …

BERNSTEIN:
 … you reach a certain age, and you’ve
been
there. Perhaps you’re there
now
…

CHARLES:
 … I
am
there now.

BERNSTEIN:
 … and you have suffered a
reversal
. What does it bring?

CHARLES:
 … I give.

BERNSTEIN:
It brings
strength
…

(
Pause
.)

CHARLES:
It does?

BERNSTEIN:
It does. It brings
humility
… (
ARCHER
reenters
.) And it brings wisdom.

(
Pause
.)

ARCHER:
They blinked.

BERNSTEIN:
And that is the position, Sir, in which we find you now.

ARCHER:
 … Chucky.

(
Pause
.)

CHARLES:
(
To
BERNSTEIN
)… I don’t understand.

BERNSTEIN:
A man. At a difficult time. Finds himself. Faced with hard choices. As the leader. Of a group. Of Shade-Tree Mechanics. (
Pause
)

ARCHER:
Mister President …?

BERNSTEIN:
Which, as a convenience, we refer to as “The United States of America.”

(
Pause
.)

ARCHER:
Mister President. (
Pause
) Chucky …

CHARLES:
What?

ARCHER:
The turkey folks. Will go two hundred million dollars. (
Pause
) They’ll go the two hundred million bucks. You’re going home rich.

CHARLES:
Archer.

ARCHER:
 … Sir.

CHARLES:
Call the networks. Tell them we’re buying two hundred million dollars worth of airtime. Bernstein, you go finish that speech. I’ll be goddamned if I’m not going to win this thing.

CHARLES:
(
To phone
) Barry. Yes. I’m surprised you still have my number. (
Pause
) Yaas. You heard that? Waal, we have quote, set aside a little money for a little airtime. (
Pause
.
ARCHER
enters with a tray, bearing coffee and so on
.) Oh, two hundred million dollars. Waal, Barry, we’ve got an “election” coming up, and, waal, we sort of, thought we’d like to “win” it. (
Pause
) We got it from some “people” you know …

ARCHER:
 … What does he want …?

CHARLES:
(
Covering phone
) He heard we made a little “air buy.” (
To phone
) Yes. It
is
a lot of money to spend in
ONE WEEK, IN THE LAST WEEK, BARRY, BEFORE THAT ELECTION IN WHICH YOU AND THE COMMITTEE KICKED ME TO THE CURB. (
To
ARCHER
) “Why didn’t we check with him?” (
CHARLES
hands the phone to
ARCHER
.)

ARCHER:
(
To phone
) Waal, Barry, we didn’t check with you ’cause you told us to “go fuck” ourselves …

CHARLES:
(
Seizing the phone
) Gimme that phone … (
To phone
) No, Barry, we did
not
“take your remarks out of context,” so, let’s skip the lovemaking, and what do you want? (
To
ARCHER
) He wants to “get on board.” (
Pause
) Well, Barry, you have me at a disadvantage because I don’t
give
a fuck. (
To
ARCHER
) He’s found some money … (
To phone
) Where did the money come from, Barry? ’Cause, yesterday you were
broke?
Did you forget to look in the GLOVE COMPARTMENT? Barry? Did you forget to look behind the couch? ’Cause “behind the couch” that’s where
I
always look, when
I
need to find two hundred million dollars, to help out my friend, to who you swore undying brotherhood, and then turned around and cut him off at the ankles with ONE SPOT IN CINCINNATI and his wife had to CRY HERSELF TO SLEEP because you wouldn’t even have the courtesy to buy him a LIBRARY, after everything he did for you.
D’YOU LOOK BEHIND THE COUCH?
What?

(
Pause
.)

ARCHER:
What’s he saying?

CHARLES:
(
To Archer
) He’s calling upon me to be the bigger man. (
To phone
) No—you’re right, you’re right, Barr—yesterday was yesterday, today’s today, and we go on. (
Pause
) You’re right—we have to work together. And we have no choice—you’re right—not at all. Not at all. Barr, thank you—and on we go. (
Hangs up phone. To
ARCHER
) Call the IRS and have him audited back to the day he was born.

(
Pause. The phone rings
.
ARCHER
answers
.)

ARCHER:
Send him in.

(
TURKEY GUY
enters
.)

TURKEY GUY:
Mr. President.

CHARLES:
Yes.

TURKEY GUY:
I had to move the turkeys from their climate-controlled capsule.

CHARLES:
Where are they now?

TURKEY GUY:
They’re in the outer office.

CHARLES:
That’s lovely.

TURKEY GUY:
And they need to smell your hand.

CHARLES:
All right.

TURKEY GUY:
And, Sir, there are people coughing in the anteroom.

ARCHER:
(
To phone
) Tell the people in the anteroom to stop coughing.

TURKEY GUY:
And we would like to see the speech.

ARCHER:
You need to see the speech?

TURKEY GUY:
Yes.

ARCHER:
We
need to see the money.

TURKEY GUY:
And I need you to permit the turkeys to smell your hand.

ARCHER:
He wants the turkeys to smell your hand.

CHARLES:
Yeah, back up and repeat the bit about the “money.”

ARCHER:
You get the money
after
you pardon the turkeys.

CHARLES:
What’s to prevent him from reneging? I pardon his turkeys, and he says, “Thanks a lot, lame duck, tough noogies.” What then?

ARCHER:
You put him on the piggy plane.

CHARLES:
You get the idea?

TURKEY GUY:
I am so looking forward to working with you Sir.

CHARLES:
After the broadcast, you give me the money.

TURKEY GUY:
That is correct.

CHARLES:
And, I am looking forward to working with you too, pal. Four more wondrous years.

TURKEY GUY:
Four more years of …?

CHARLES:
Well, of my presidency.

(
BERNSTEIN
shows up, sneezing, in a wedding dress, her amulet around her neck
.)

BERNSTEIN:
Sir, Good morning.
Achoo
.

CHARLES:
You sick?

BERNSTEIN:
Just something I caught on the plane … (
She sneezes
.)

CHARLES:
Get someone from Walter Reed down here with some penicillin.

ARCHER:
(
To phone
) Gimme a doctor with some penicillin.

BERNSTEIN:
Sir, on behalf of my partner, our daughter,
and
myself.

ARCHER:
Is that a wedding dress?

BERNSTEIN:
Sir, it is.

ARCHER:
It’s lovely.

BERNSTEIN:
Thank you, Sir. (
Hands him speech
) I think you’ll like this …

ARCHER:
Why are you wearing it?

CHARLES:
(
Of speech
) Oh, jeez, listen to this:

(
All sit. The phone rings
.)

ARCHER:
(
To phone
) Yes. The TV people want to do a sound check.

CHARLES:
Coming right down.

TURKEY GUY:
Please tell them to place the turkeys onstage, so that they become accustomed to the noise and the commotion.

ARCHER:
Sure.

TURKEY GUY:
But not too near the lights.

ARCHER:
(
To phone
) Put the turkeys in the studio. (
Hangs up
)

BERNSTEIN:
(
Reads
) “A country. Like a family, like a race, or a religion, like a
business
…”

CHARLES:
Business, always good.

BERNSTEIN:
“…  is an organic enterprise. Because it lives, it
changes
…”

TURKEY GUY:
 … Sir, might I hear the part about the turkeys …

BERNSTEIN:
“…  it has its triumphs, and, of course, it makes mistakes, in short, it
grows
. Now: we’ve all heard the phrase
‘growing pains’
…”

(
The phone rings
.)

ARCHER:
(
To
TURKEY GUY
) They want you out there.

TURKEY GUY:
Excuse me …

(
TURKEY GUY
exits
.)

CHARLES:
Bernstein, this
speech?
This
here
…?

BERNSTEIN:
Thank you, Sir.

CHARLES:
This makes me sound smart.

ARCHER:
Why are you wearing a wedding dress?

BERNSTEIN:
(
To
CHARLES
) Thank you.

CHARLES:
Thank
me? Thank
you
 … What do
you
want? You tell me: Ambassador to what, France? Somewhere closer?

BERNSTEIN:
Sir.

CHARLES:
You name it: the UN … are we still in the UN?

ARCHER:
You want me to check?

BERNSTEIN:
Sir, all I and my
partner
, and my
daughter
want. Is the
one thing
. And for you to, in your second term, to be well, do good, live
long
, and deal justly.

(
Pause
.)

CHARLES:
I love this speech Bernstein. I love it and I will do everything in my power to do ALL those things.

ARCHER:
A-plus speech, Bernstein.

BERNSTEIN:
Wait til it’s done …!

ARCHER:
And why are you wearing a wedding dress?

BERNSTEIN:
I’m getting married.

CHARLES:
No, I believe he means why are you wearing a wedding dress
today?

BERNSTEIN:
I’m getting
married
today.

ARCHER:
(
On phone
) And I’m told there’s
another
woman in a wedding dress.

BERNSTEIN:
Yes.

ARCHER:
In the outer office …

BERNSTEIN:
That would be my partner.

ARCHER:
Uh
-huh …

BERNSTEIN:
And, Sir.

CHARLES:
Yes.

BERNSTEIN:
I have the one more favor …

CHARLES:
You ask it, pal.

BERNSTEIN:
My partner and I … would be
honored
, if you’d let us name our daughter after you.

CHARLES:
Bernstein, can I give you a “hug”?

BERNSTEIN:
If you’re not reluctant, Sir, to “hug” a person of a differing sexual orientation.

CHARLES:
I’ve been doing it all my life.

(
CHARLES
and
BERNSTEIN
hug
.)

BERNSTEIN:
Thank you, Sir.

CHARLES:
That speech, Bernstein, is my legacy.

BERNSTEIN:
Wait til it’s
done
.

CHARLES:
It’s not done?

BERNSTEIN:
It’s almost done …

CHARLES:
Can I see it now?

BERNSTEIN:
Not til it’s done.

CHARLES:
When will it
be
done.

BERNSTEIN:
After we’re married.

CHARLES:
But I need it now to do it on TV.

BERNSTEIN:
We thought, you’d marry us on TV
first
, and,
then
, I’d give you your speech.

(
Pause
.)

CHARLES:
Don’t you
trust
me, Bernstein?

BERNSTEIN:
Sir? I don’t trust
anyone
. But, if I did? I’d trust you first.

CHARLES:
Bernstein, I am the President.

BERNSTEIN:
That’s what I’m saying, Sir.

CHARLES:
I don’t get the speech, until I marry you on TV?

BERNSTEIN:
That is correct. I am so excited.

(
BERNSTEIN
exits
.)

CHARLES:
Find out how I can marry the broad …

ARCHER:
You can’t do that.

CHARLES:
I need that speech.

ARCHER:
It’s illegal.

CHARLES:
What we’re speaking of, would be illegal?

ARCHER:
It would be illegal.

CHARLES:
Thus, it would be a “crime.”

ARCHER:
Yes.

CHARLES:
And, thus “against the law.”

ARCHER:
That is the nature of a crime.

CHARLES:
How twisted are the works of man. (
Pause
) Find some way to make it legal.

ARCHER:
It’s legal in Massachusetts.

CHARLES:
Is that the way you want to live your life?

ARCHER:
 … it’ll cause precedent.

CHARLES:
Not necessarily.

ARCHER:
That’s what LEGAL
is
.

CHARLES:
It is?

ARCHER:
“LEGAL” means making a precedent, so that, NEXT time in the same circumstances, people know what to do. (
Pause
) Because they know what’s legal. (
Pause
) That’s what it means, “a legal precedent.”

(
Pause
.)

CHARLES:
Can’t I do it under “executive powers”?

ARCHER:
Legally, no.

CHARLES:
What about “illegally”?

ARCHER:
It wouldn’t be legal.

CHARLES:
Okay. What about if it, okay: WASN’T “legal,” but, BUT it “looked” legal for
just enough time
, before the Supreme Court tromped in and said it was—what do they say …? “Unconstitutional.” (
Pause
) Let them “de-legalize” it next week. Isn’t that what they
do?
I don’t give a fuck …

ARCHER:
 … they’d say you quote quote “seized the reins of power.”

CHARLES:
What would I do with “the reins of power”? I just wanna get reelected.

ARCHER:
 … it has to be legal.

CHARLES:
Fucken
legal
. (
Pause
) What
is
legal? Is it “legal” for the State to deny of two perfectly good citizens, the right to “get married,” just because they’re both girls?

ARCHER:
 … Yes.

CHARLES:
Well, that’s a crime …

ARCHER:
It’s a damn shame.

CHARLES:
It allows, uh uh, uh, “other” people to get married.

ARCHER:
That it does.