On Becoming His - Lessons Learned (18 page)

“Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to show you a perfected technique on flogging your submissive.” Bart’s voice boomed out into the crowd.

This was the first moment she realized Marla was completely naked. The black woman had an amazing body, toned in all the right places and curvaceous in the others. Jessie suddenly felt inadequate.

“Watch how Bart does this. He’s quite the master with a flogger. Perhaps one day you’d enjoy taking his discipline.” Luke’s voice purred into her ear.

She had no idea what to say.

Whoosh! Crack!

The audience moaned.

Jessie winced and not from seeing the instant red marks, although the understanding of the powerful mastery Bart was using certainly gave her pause. “Maybe.”

Crack! Pop! Whoosh!

From where she stood she could see the snap in Bart’s wrist. Her heart was racing, longing to be the one tied, flogged.

“Sir Bart is so good at this,” Ginger breathed.

“I was this practiced
once,” Luke said quietly.

Bart snorted and took a step away. “You were
just not bad. And practiced? Ha.”

“Not bad?” Luke retorted.

“You heard me.” Grinning, Bart held out the whip. “Why don’t you try again? You need to see what you can do anyway, or I should say if you can do.”

The challenge was issued and
Jessie could see Luke debating. Of course he couldn’t do this. He wasn’t into just playing and there was no way he could use a belt, let alone a whip. The look of the thick leather strap was enough to send shivers skating up and down Jessie’s back. And Luke had wondered whether or not she was a pain monger.
Right.
No freaking way. She curled her hand around Luke’s arm to give him support.

“Luke?” Bart asked. “You know Marla can take the pain and enjoys when you whip her.”

The words startled her, but when Luke pulled away, inching closer to the whip in Bart’s hand, she was shocked. No. No! What the hell was he doing whipping another woman? Jessie sucked in her breath, her legs trembling. A powerful series of emotions boiled through her. Suddenly she found herself blinking back tears. Why? They’d considered this very concept.
Because he’s not whipping you.
Brushing the tears away she tried to act nonchalant, when inside she was reeling with hurt.

Luke seemed hesitant as he took the handle and moved away from the crowd. Giving Jessie a cautious look, he cracked the whip down on top of the carpet.

The reverberations alone made her jump. Her hand shaking, she placed her finger across her mouth, this time holding back and anguished scream. He practiced a couple more times before turning to face Marla, who was wiggling and jerking hard against her bindings, no doubt as part of the act. Jessie held her breath as he walked forward.

Luke moved all the way to the cro
ss, his face showing no emotion. Rubbing his fingers down Marla’s back to her ass, he exhaled once. When he took a step back he glanced at Bart then gave Jessie a look.

One she couldn’t identify. When he pulled back his arm, she whimpered.

Crack!

And she knew they’d been lovers long ago. Her Luke was keeping so many secrets from her. How was she ever goin
g to be able to trust him completely, give him all of herself when he was holding so many things back from her? The thought nearly breaking her heart, she took a step backwards.

****

They both remained quiet in the car and Luke was having difficulty coping with more than just the intense night. Seeing the guys again and bringing Jessie into what h
ad been a tightly knit fold had been a calculated risk, more about the emotions that he knew could have the very effect they were having right now. Jessie was incensed and not talking at all. When she’d run out of the ballroom he hadn’t even noticed her absence until he was finished flogging Marla. God, he’d flogged another woman. What in the hell had possessed him to take Bart up on his offer?

God, he
was a train wreck waiting to happen. He rubbed his eyes and did everything he could to concentrate on his driving. The tension in the air was thick and he didn’t need her to speak to tell him she was teetering over the edge about their relationship. Taking her collar away and then forcing her to go to the party was turning out to be a bad decision. “Are you all right?”

“Fine.”

“Great. Five fines, two yeses and three I don’t know’s in two hours.”

Jessie turned her head, her gaze locking on him. “You would count.”

“I just want you to talk to me. You ran out of the ballroom.”

“And you didn’t notice because you were too busy flogging Marla!”

Luke sensed his anger level was rising. She wasn’t going to goad him right now. Jessie obviously had picked up on how close the four men had been and possibly would be again. This bit of information she needed to know. He’d been a fool not to be upfront with her. His emotions raw, he waited until he pulled into the driveway and parked before saying anything else. “We need to talk.”

“Talk, you mean really talk or merely have it so that you talk at me?” The rawness of her emotions was evident
in her voice. She waited a split second before bolting out of the car, as if challenging him to refute her accusations.

And he couldn’t. Not in the least. He was guilty as charged.
Luke lowered his head to the steering wheel, taking comfort in the harshness of the leather pushing into his skin. The night and seeing the guys again had taken much more out of him that he wanted to admit. Maybe he wasn’t ready to take his revered place back in a life he had loved once. Maybe Jessie wasn’t ready for the man he truly was, the one he’d been hiding for so long. There were too many damn maybe’s. The answers to all his questions were coming few and far between.

“Damn it!” Jerking his head back, he slapped his hand down on the steering wheel. He knew in order for both he and Jessie to move forward, take the last step, she needed to be introduced to his past.
Needed? Perhaps immersed was a better word. Somehow Luke thought tonight was the right move. Now he wasn’t so certain.

As he climb
ed out of the car, his heart racing, he tried to figure out how to broach who the other three men were. The very notion of how powerful their group had been once was daunting to say the least. She might think the group was designed for another purpose in mind. Then again, the group of friends had taken their simple ideas and turned them into a very successful business, one they were already encouraging him to enter back into. And the truth was he wanted to join them again. He trusted the men with his secrets and his life. If only he could help Jessie see who he really was and that he wasn’t…

Luke stumbled forward. He was almost like a monster. Wasn’t he? The thought was terrifying. Tonight he’d tell her about the group and tomorrow they’d sit and talk about the rest. The promise was made. As he walked inside the house he could hear her tossing things in the bedroom. His little spitfire didn’t like anything out of the ordinary. He jerked off his coat and contemplated getting a drink. He certainly didn’t need one given he was fairly certain Jessie was going to rile him to the point of fury. Anger wasn’t going to happen any longer.
Never again.

He walked toward the bedroom and quietly opened the door. She was barefoot and had taken off her stockings. “Jezebel. We need to talk.”

“Fine.”

“Stop with the damn fine!”

“Well you said we needed to talk before so talk.”

Luke took a step toward her and almost jerked her by the wrist. Stopping short he looked away. “Please come with me in
to the living room. This is very important to me. You realize I’ve known Bart, Wally and Jackson for some time. Now I need to tell you why and how. Okay?” Would she hear him out or judge him harshly? Did he deserve anything less than her scorn? Sadly, he knew the answer. “Jezebel.”

She titled her head, her eyes flashing fury
. Then they softened. Nodding, she bit her lip.

Chapter Eight

Luke walked toward the bank of windows in the living room. He was determined to tell t
he story in a way that mattered, for both of them. He’d waited too long to give her any real details about his past life, a part of him that he’d pushed out of his life for so long. Perhaps too long. Being with his friends reminded him of a portion of the man he was inside, the very one he’d decreed never to acknowledge again. What a fool he’d been. As many people had often told him, you can’t run from the past. All he’d been doing was running these past few years. If he owed nothing else in his life to Jessie and to their relationship, he owed her the truth.

Jessie curled her legs under her, the look on her face a combination of frustration with a touch of haughtiness added in. Of course Luke could see right through the mask she was attempting to wear. She was terrified and very unsure.
He could hear the sounds of her scattered breathing, indicating an aching heart. Tipping his head he gazed at her lovely form, admiring the way the dress was absolutely perfect for her stunning figure. She had no idea how beautiful she truly was, both inside and out.

“What did you think about the party?” Luke asked quietly.

Exhaling slowly, she looked away. “The people seem very nice. I enjoyed learning and being around people who are into the lifestyle. But I’m not certain about BDSM. Some of the demonstrations were a bit much.”

“We don’t have to participate in any of them if you don’t want to.
What we are sharing right now is what matters to me.”

“I think I’m ready for more.” Darting a glance in his direction, Jessie smiled shyly. “The flogging was interesting.”

“And what did you think about the submissives?” He could tell there were so many questions on her mind.

“Lovely women.”
Jessie looked away.

This was more than excruciating as well as exhausting.
“Jezebel, ask me anything you want to. I can see your mind reeling. I wanted to take you there to show you a part of the lifestyle we’ve only touched on. I was hoping you’d enjoy their company and perhaps learn more in a manner I haven’t been able to teach you.”

“And I so need to be taught, right?”

Luke sucked in his breath, determined not to allow her to get under his skin. “I want this to be a frank discussion, no matter what and I honestly want you to tell me how you’re feeling and ask me whatever comes to your mind.” When she started to open her mouth he held up his finger. “However, I will have respect. I deserve that much at least.”

“Yes, Sir.” Jessie looked down
and remained quiet.

“Jezebel, you said so yourself many times that what you and I are going through is a journey, right?” God, the tension was thick.
Luke walked toward her, sitting down on the ottoman and scooting until just out of reach of her.

“Yes…I mean yes, Sir.”

“Then answer your own question. Do you think you need to be taught, perhaps some lessons learned in a way I haven’t been able to teach you?” Luke could see the question sparked interest.

Jessie shifted on the couch and nibbled on her bottom lip.

God, he hated the tic. Reaching out he wrapped his hand around her wrist and lowered her arm. “No need to be so nervous around me.”

“I’m not nervous. I’m just…”

“Just?”

“Worried. I’m worried I’m not good enough.
” The words were blurted out. “I’m terrified you’ll grow weary of the fact I can’t seem to follow certain directions, merely obeying you. I know for a fact now you hunger for heavier aspects of BDSM, something I know so little about. You want flogging and fucking and domination in a way I haven’t grasped yet. I could tell those women know so much more and Marla, she’s the perfect specimen of a submissive. She’s beautiful and ready to give everything to her Dom and others obviously as well. That’s just not me right now.”

The anguish in her voice grabbed his heart. Luke took several deep breaths before he spoke.
Her words rattled the hell out of him. “I know you don’t know everything and I am so enjoying the way you’re opening up like a flower, learning to ask questions and explore your needs, not just mine. I get up every morning curious as to what you’re going to say and how you’re going to attempt something new. I don’t want you to suddenly think you’re ready for us to delve into a true BDSM lifestyle. If you said to me right now you wanted all of what we saw tonight, I’d flat out say no. You’re not ready and in truth, I’m not ready to explore but so much with you. I want this to be what we both want and need when we’re ready. Do you understand?”

Her face softened and a single tear slipped out of her eye. She brushed it away furiously.

Luke took her hand, easing her tear stained finger to his mouth. As he slipped his finger past his lips, he could see such surprise in her eyes and he longed for the tender moment to last. The second she was able, she tugged her hand away, her face flushing. “Do you?”

Jes
sie nodded as she sniffed. “I…I need to learn and I want to. I’m just afraid.”

“And so am I.”

“What are you afraid of?”

Luke eased back, so many thoughts racing in his mind. “Failing. I’m afraid of failing you and us.” For the first time this evening he could sense she hadn’t really expected he’d say something like this to her.

“You’re not. I know something is bothering you. I just wish you’d let me in to help you. I love you and I want you to be happy and…” Her voice trailing off, Jessie closed her eyes.

“And I love you. Sometimes things just take a while to put into perspective. I’m not perfect, as a man or as a Dom. I’m learning just like you are.”

“But you’ve done this before. Right? You told me there was someone but you’ve never said anything or shared your experience. I’m not trying to pry, I’m just…”

Her question wasn’t unlike one she’d asked before and she knew the answer. This was just a different setting. “Yes, Jezebel. I’ve been a Dom before
and you’re not prying.”

“But this is different, you and I?”

“Every relationship is different, vanilla or D/s. You know that.”

Jessie nodded and seemed to be mulling over a question. “Are these women we met
some part of this club with the Bart and the others?”

“Interesting way of putting the scenario. As you well know, the BDSM community is tight so in a way, yes. I don’t know what and how they share, but they can talk freely and feel comfortable in doing so. That’s what I want for you. You need friends you can talk with.”

“I have my girlfriend, Tabitha who knows about us,” Jessie retorted.

“And what does Tabitha
think about our life together?”

Jessie opened her mouth the groaned. “She can’t completely understand. No matter what or how I tell her, she doesn’t
get how I can submit to you. Tabitha sees slavery and cages, whips and chains.”

“Much like the rest of the world. They fear what they don’t know. You need someone you can talk with, share your fears without feeling like you’re going to be judged.”

“And so do you.”

Luke smiled. “Very perceptive. Yes. I think that’s why I wanted to g
o tonight. I hope you’ll embrace feeling like a part of the group, whether you can feel comfortable with Marla, Ginger and Aimee or others. You need to be able to talk openly and candidly.”

“All right. That kinda makes sense. They seem like very intelligent women.”

“Why do I feel like there’s a but attached here?
You need to be able to open up.”

“Well,” she whispered, turning her head away. “
I can tell you’ve certainly had a past with Marla.”

“You think she and I were lovers?”
Of course she did and he’d done nothing to negate her fears. What was he thinking in flogging the woman and right in front of Jessie?

“Weren’t you?”

“No. Marla and I have never been lovers. I promise you that.”

She whipped her head around, disbelief in her eyes. “Really? Could have fooled me. You were certainly able to whip her when you can’t discipline me.”

While her words were biting, Luke didn’t bristle. She was very right. The notion of using a whip on Jessie right now was too much for him to bear. “Marla and I have a past for several reasons including the fact I introduced her to Bart almost eight years ago. She worked in my office for a little while. She’s moved on, but at the time she looked to me as her mentor.”

“
Mentor. Uh-huh. And let me guess. She has a crush on you. Notice I say has. Wait a minute. I can see there’s more than that.”

“Jessie, I realize I should have told you
before we went to the part that I have friends from a past life. I was very wrong in not telling you. You’re absolutely correct that I also need an outlet with men I can converse with, Dom’s who understand my angst and worries and my...”

“You mean your frustrations with me.” Jessie interrupted.

“Okay, yes. I need to find out things from a man’s point of view just like you need to with other women who are also submissives. You know I don’t have any male friends to speak of. These men are from my past and ones I trust. I just haven’t wanted to go back to that place until now.”

“
That place? You make this sound like a past you’d rather not revisit.” Jessie’s hand floated across her mouth.

“In a way I didn’t.
Tonight was difficult for me on several levels.”

“But you want what you how from the past back into your life? Do you want to be a part of the big BDSM scene?
”

“Not without you.”

Jessie shook her head. “I just don’t know what to think at times. I gathered such an odd vibe from the men, as if you were all hiding something.”

“Aren’t we all?”

“Talk to me, Luke. Please. Tell me about this past you continue to allude to, but act as if I won’t be able to handle the knowledge. I know you had other relationships. I realize you had women in your past and that you owned one who you cared about tremendously. I now see you need more in our life than just you and I. I’m okay with that, but I can’t seem to get past the fact you’re hiding something and it’s killing me. Don’t you see that? Can’t you tell my pushing hard against total devotion might have to do with the fact I’m not entirely trusting of your past?”

The words hit him hard, but the frankness was
on target. Dear God, he needed the strength to be able to open up completely to the woman he loved more than life itself.

“Luke, please. I won’t run away from you. I promise.”

Luke took her hand and was almost surprised she didn’t try and pull away. Brushing his thumb across her palm, he exhaled slowly and lowered his head. “Yes, all of the men are or were my friends, close friends for a long time. In fact, we were business partners as well as being buddies, going to clubs and chasing after women. Let me tell you we thought we were hot.” He laughed and could see a small sense of relief in her eyes, the look encouraging him to continue.

“How long have you known them?”

“I went to college with Jackson and he introduced me to Bart and Wally. We all hit it off right away, enjoying being young and single and yet we had an appetite for the finer things in life.”

Jessie tilted her head, her eyes darting back and forth. “I can understand that.”

“Yeah, we had fun together, maybe too much fun. They’re all very intelligent and Bart is incredible with business plans, plus he has some contacts that are well funded and their connections are worldwide. We had an idea about the entertainment business and got into a little business venture together.”

“Porn?”

Luke burst into laughter. “No, definitely not porn. But we began getting involved in creative methods of marketing the erotic arena, from magazines to art galleries. Nothing too risqué. We simply allowed and promoted BDSM to be shown in very sensuous manners. The magazine took off and somehow we became known for our work. In turn parties such as the one we went to tonight began happening on a regular basis. The odd aspect is that none of us were into BDSM or domination in any way before the magazine became such a big hit.”

“
And you found you enjoyed, craving more.”

“Yes.” He thought about the years they’d gone to parties and events, much like the one from tonight. His appetite had indeed grown.

“Is that when you had your first D/s relationship?”

“
Yes, the moment seemed to come along naturally. Suddenly we all found ourselves living the lifestyle. We worked together and played together and yes, we shared women at times.” He could see a flash of pain in her eyes. “Jezebel, Bart and I never shared Marla. I’ve never touched any of the women you met tonight. By the time I introduced Bart to Marla, I was already becoming disillusioned in several different ways and my own company was taking off at the same time, forcing me to take long trips. I found it difficult to be involved in the kink business when I was trying to promote athletes. The dichotomy wasn’t going to work with the American people. I had to make a choice. So I walked away.”

“Walked away totally?” Jessie took his hand, pressing his palm against her heart.