Out of Mind (19 page)

He looked over his shoulder again. “I’m ready when you are.”

I smiled at Riley. “Anyway…”

Riley came up to me and kissed my lips gently. “See you in the morning?”

“Sure. Nine?”

“It’s a date,” he said, grinning. He backed off, not dropping my gaze. “It’s supposed to be sunny tomorrow, so maybe we can go to the beach, too.”

The sun is finally shining, Ginger
. Finn’s voice echoed in my head, loud and clear. It was almost as if he’d actually said the words, and it hurt. Would he ever stop haunting me? My smile slipped. “Great. See you then.”

I watched him head back into the party, tossing his water bottle from hand to hand. A super-hot girl walked up to him and started flirting, but he looked back at me. Well, crap. He really did like me. I wasn’t sure what to do about that. I waved one last time before walking toward my dorm.

Hernandez fell into step beside me. “So…moving on, huh?”

“I don’t know.” I lifted a shoulder. It felt weird talking to him about this, when he may or may not be in contact with Finn. “Maybe.”

“He seems…nice.”

As if stuck in a time warp, Finn’s words from all those months ago rang in my head:
Nice. That’s the word for a puppy, not a man. Nice won’t make you scream out in bed
. I straightened my spine and glanced around, half expecting to see him standing somewhere in the shadows, smirking at me. God, I was losing it. “Uh, yeah. He’s very nice. There’s nothing wrong with being nice.”

“I never said there was.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked over his shoulder again. “Where are you two meeting tomorrow for breakfast?”

“I don’t know. He’ll probably come up to my room first, and then we’ll decide.” I looked at him. “Why do you ask?”

“So I can follow you there.” He raised a brow at me. “It’s kind of my job,” he lowered his head and mumbled, “no matter how much I might wish it wasn’t.”

“Why don’t you quit if you hate it?”

“I can’t.” He looked at me, then glanced away. “I need to watch over you for him. He’d want me to.”

“He doesn’t love me anymore,” I said, my voice soft. “You’re off the hook.”

He laughed. “No. I’m not.”

We walked the rest of the way home in silence. I hesitated at the entrance to my dorm. Hernandez hovered, all of his weight on his left foot, as if perched to leave.

Still, I didn’t move. My hand gripped the door tight. “Is he…is he okay?”

“Finn?” Hernandez looked away. “What makes you think I’ve talked to him recently?”

I tucked my hair behind my ear, my heart racing at the mere thought of hearing how Finn was doing. I was like a starved dog, desperate for any scrap of information I could get about him. “Please. Tell me if he’s okay. That’s all I want to know. I don’t need to know anything else.”

Hernandez looked out toward the shadows and shoved his hands in his pockets. “I get wanting to move on, but don’t do it if you’re not ready. That’s not fair to anyone involved.”

“Has Finn moved on?” I asked. Immediately, I regretted the question. I didn’t want to know. I held up a hand and scrunched my eyes tight. “You know what? Forget I asked that. Forget it all. Just go home.”

I opened the door and walked inside, trying not to look back at him. Trying not to go back and beg him to answer my question. I
needed
to know.

I couldn’t know.

I rocked back on my heels and cursed under my breath, an empty hollowness residing where my heart used to beat. It had felt that way ever since I walked away from Carrie, and I didn’t think it would ever go away, not without her in my life. She owned my heart, carrying it with her wherever she went, and she wasn’t with me anymore. I missed her more than I missed having a heart. I’d finally learned how to
live
when I’d been with her, and now I wasn’t living.

I was just surviving. Barely.

Dr. Montgomery opened the door and smiled at me. She wore her usual business suit, and her brown hair was pulled back in a bun. She was a creature of habit, if nothing else. “Griffin, you can come in now.”

“All right.”

I walked into the office and sat down on the couch. I drew the line at lying down on it, though. It was hard enough to walk in those doors. But after hitting rock bottom, I realized I needed help. And it
was
helping. I was still here, after all.

I almost hadn’t been.

Dr. Montgomery settled in her chair. “So, how was your Friday night? What did you do? When you called for an emergency meeting, I figured something had to be up.”

“It was…hard. Bad.” I ran a hand over my hair. It was growing out a little bit now. It was as short as it would have been if I had been going to drill weekend. “I almost did something I would have regretted, but I held myself back.”

“Did you try to hurt yourself again?” she asked, her forehead creased. “I thought we’d gotten past that point.”

“No, that’s not it.”

“Were you upset over your honorable discharge from the Marines again?” she asked.

“No.” I dragged my hand down my face. “And before you ask, no, Captain Richards didn’t try to contact me about that job again.”

Dr. Montgomery nodded. “Ah. Then it was Carrie. Did you try to go see her?”

“I
saw
her,” I admitted, touching the scar on my forehead. “But I made sure I stayed hidden from her. She dyed her hair a different color—it’s a darker red now. And she has bangs. She wears more lipstick, too. It’s like she’s trying to change herself now that I’m not there. She was with a guy we both know, and she looked happy. So fucking happy.” I cut off. “Sorry.”

“You can curse—God knows I do when I’m not working. This is a safe environment for you.” She leaned forward. “So. How did seeing her look so happy and different make
you
feel?”

“Empty. So fucking empty.” Rubbing my jaw, I laughed uneasily. “Lonely. Sad. Full of regret and wishes and useless hopes. What else would it make me feel? I love her so much it
hurts
, and she’s not mine anymore. She never will be. I broke her heart.”

She nodded. “But you let her go. Set her free. Do you now think that was the wrong decision?”

“Fuck if I know. I was so messed up, I wasn’t even
me
.” I tugged on my hair. “I wasn’t good for her. She needed someone stronger than I was. A man who could protect her, be her partner. Not a burden.”

Dr. Montgomery steepled her fingers. “But you think you could be that man now? Is that what you’re saying?”

“I…I don’t know. She looks pretty happy without me.”

“Looks can often be deceiving.” She leaned back and studied me. I hated when she looked at me like that. She saw way too much. “So can words. After all, you told her you didn’t love her, but that was a lie.”

“Yeah, well,” I swallowed hard. “She didn’t seem to be broken up or anything. She looked like she’s moved on, and I’m happy for her. I am.”

“But…?”

“But I miss her so damn much.” I stood up and paced, my heart beating faster even though I swore it wasn’t there. “I want to go up to her and beg her to forgive me, but then my head gets in the way. What if she’s better off without me in her life? What if Riley makes her happier than I ever did or could? What right do I have to jump back into her life and fuck it all up again?”

She inclined her head, still watching me. “Is she with this Riley guy?”

“Not yet.” I looked out the window. “My buddy is her guard. He says this is the first time this happened.”

“The first time what happened?”

“They kissed.” I looked at her. “I saw it.”

She sat forward. “Did it trigger anything?”

“I had another nightmare last night.” I looked out the window. “I’m not sure if it’s because of that. They never really left. They just got less frequent.”

“All right.” She studied me, her eyes locked in on something I couldn’t see. “What else did it trigger?”

“Nothing, besides the need to get her back.” I sighed and headed back toward her. “And they’re meeting up for breakfast.”

“Ah, so there’s something
starting
.”

“I guess so.” I turned around at the wall and headed back toward the window, my steps agitated. “But if there’s nothing there yet, I’m not messing anything up, right? It’s not like they’re in love or anything.”

“The real question is: Are you ready for all that talking to Carrie would entail? The possibilities? The pain?”

I looked at her. “Isn’t that where you come in? Tell me. Am I ready?”

“You’ve been doing well. For all intents and purposes, you’re more yourself then you were when you showed up here the first time.” She crossed her arms. “Tell me again about that night. The night you turned it all around.”

I sat down on the couch and rubbed my temples. “Why?”

“Just trust me this time, Griffin.”

I rested my elbows on my knees. I hated when people used my full name. It reminded me of the senator. “I was drunk off my ass and went to Carrie’s dorm. It was the lowest point in my life.” I looked up at her. “I was ready to end it all; the pain was just too much. I couldn’t take it anymore. Couldn’t stand that I was the only one alive, and I was alone. And I missed her so damn much.”

She nodded. “And then…?”

“I went to the store to get rope to hang myself,” I whispered. “I deserved a rough death. Slow, painful, horrible. The whole way to the store, I was so fucking calm. No panic, no doubts. It’s what I wanted to do. But when I held the rope in my hand, deciding the best type…something stopped me. I thought about her, and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do that to her. It would devastate her knowing I’d died alone and miserable.”

“Good.” She cocked her head. “And then…?”

“I took a deep breath, put down the rope, and walked to my buddy’s house, which used to be mine. Pounded on the door till he answered, and I told him I needed help before I hurt myself.” I sighed. “You already know this shit. Why are we going over it again?”

“I have a point.” She pursed her lips. “And he said…?”

“‘No shit, dude. You look like a fucking zombie.’” My lips twitched into a reluctant smile. “Then he hugged me, made me shower, and I slept for a day and a half. I made an appointment to see you, and I’ve been getting better every day. Really getting better, not just trying to.”

“And you haven’t thought about ending it all again?”

“No, not even once.” I dragged a hand down my face. “Does that mean I’m ready? Is that your point?”

“I don’t know. When you saw her with Riley, did you want to hurt yourself?”

“What? No.” I shook my head. “I was upset, but I’m done with that portion of my recovery, if you could call it that. I don’t even think about it anymore. It won’t make the pain go away. Nothing will. I miss my dad. Miss my friends. And I miss her the most, because she’s still here, but not with me.”

“What do you do instead of thinking about hurting yourself?”

“I accept the pain. Deal with it. Move the fuck on.” I tugged on my hair. “Life is full of shit. There’s not much to be done for it, and I’ve accepted it. My PTSD isn’t gone, but I’m coping.”

“What are your plans for the future?”

I laughed. “I have no idea. I’m out of the Marines, thanks to my injuries, and I’m not in private security anymore.”

“Do you want to be in either one?”

“I got offered a job with a private security firm.” I shrugged. “I said no.”

She nodded. “Why did you do that?”

“It was in Chicago.” I paused, knowing what she wanted to hear from me. “She’s here, in California. Why would I move there?”

“Ah, so you don’t want to leave her, but you don’t want to be with her?”

“I never said that,” I snapped. “I said I wasn’t sure if I would be best for her. That’s why I’m here, asking you if I’m ready. If I can try to get her to forgive me yet or not.”

She pushed her glasses up on her nose, her green eyes on me. “If she rejected you, would the pain send you spiraling again? Would you want to hurt yourself? Drink a few bottles of beer? Pop a few pills? Buy a rope?”

“No. I don’t know. I don’t think so.” I scrubbed my face with my hands. “I love her. That’s all I fucking know. Every day I spend away from her is a day I’m in hell.”

“Sometimes loving someone is letting them go,” she said softly, her eyes still on me. “I can’t tell you whether you’re better for her than this Riley guy is. No one can, except for her. Maybe you
should
talk to her. Test it out. Let her decide this time, since you decided for her last time.”

My heart twisted at the thought of going up to her. Actually saying hello. Seeing if she hated me. Oh, fuck. What if she looked at me with hatred shining in those pretty blue eyes I loved so much? What then? “She could despise me,” I rasped. “What if she can’t even look at me without wanting to punch me?”

“Then that’s a cross you’ll have to bear,” she said, taking her glasses off. “The question is, do you want to know for sure, or do you want to spend your whole life wondering what would have happened if only you’d said hello?”

I swallowed. “I don’t know. Can’t you just tell me what’s better? Fix it?”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t do that,” she said, smiling a sad smile at me. “This one’s up to you.”

I stood and dragged a hand through my hair. “Fine. I’ll think about it.”