Out of Mind (23 page)

I shook my head, but he was right. I really freaking wanted to. “That was before we broke up. I’m not her anymore.”

“You’d have gotten on the damn bike before. You changed.”

“Says the man who broke up with me because I
hadn’t
changed while he had,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. “Be careful what you wish for.”

He held his hands out at his sides, pouting at me. Actually. Pouting. He used to give it to me back when we were dating and he wanted to get his way on something. I couldn’t resist that look, darn it. Not now. Not then. Not ever. “Ginger, get on the bike. Let’s go for a ride for old time’s sake.”

I wavered. I knew he sensed it, too, because his eyes lit up. “
No
.”

Marie watched us both, looking about as happy as a kid stuck between two quarrelling parents. “This isn’t awkward for me at all,” she drawled, studying her nails. “Want me to leave?”

“Yes,” Finn said.

“No,” I said at the same time. “Stay right there.”

She craned her neck. “Oh, look. It’s Hernandez. I’m going to go fight with him for a little bit.”

She took off like her butt was on fire. “
Marie
,” I called out. But it was useless. She wasn’t coming back. I turned on Finn, my hands clenched at my sides. “You need to stop doing this.”

“I can’t.” He leaned against the side of the building. “I miss you.”

I closed my eyes. “You need to stop saying that.”

“Fine. Then make me
not
miss you.” I sensed him moving closer, so I snapped my eyes open. He froze. “Go on a ride with me.”

“I
can’t
.”

“Just one little ride.” He reached out and pushed a tendril of hair behind my ear. “I promise to behave myself. Come on. You miss it, don’t you?”

“It doesn’t matter if I do,” I said. “I’m not going anywhere with you.”

“If you go with me and hate it,” he said, clenching his jaw. “I’ll stop coming by your dorm. I’ll stop giving you messages and flowers. I’ll leave you alone.”

I swallowed hard. He’d leave me alone? No more flowers and inspirational notes? The idea was as tempting as it was painful. I was such a mess of emotions right now that I didn’t know which way was up and which way was down anymore. “I don’t know. There’s too much…”
Love
.
Pain. Desire.

When I didn’t finish my sentence, he offered me a small smile. “Well, let’s find out. If you still hate me when we’re done, and don’t want to see me again, I’ll back off. Give you some time and space. Stop showing up every day.” He held his hand out. “Let’s go for a ride and for some lunch. You’re done with classes for the day.”

I frowned at him, not bothering to admit I didn’t hate him. I could never truly hate him. “Someone has an inside source.”

“Maybe.” He shrugged. “What can I say? You’re my favorite subject.”

“Then you shouldn’t have dropped out.” I walked past him. “I’ll go with you, but then you’ll be leaving me alone. Be prepared. And friends don’t hold hands, Coram.”

He laughed and followed me, sounding way too happy for someone who was about to be told to hit the road. “Fair enough.”

I looked at him again, unable to believe this was the same Finn who had broken up with me. “Why are you acting so normal now?”

He stole a glance at me. His blue eyes shined even brighter in the sunlight, making them seem unrealistically blue. “I told you, I’m better. I go to a therapist now, just like you suggested I should,” he said softly. “She’s helping me a lot.”

I nodded. “I’m glad.” I stole another glance at him. “And your arm?”

“Better.” He looked down at it, wiggling his fingers. “I only get aches here and there. The headaches are a bitch, though.”

I frowned. “You still get them?”

“I’m told I’ll always get them.” He shrugged. “But I’m not on meds any longer. I just lie down if it gets too rough. And I don’t drink.”

I stopped by his bike. He had my helmet sitting on it, and I felt a sharp pang of loneliness at the sight. God, I’d missed him. It was true. I watched him closely. He looked so different, and yet exactly the same. “This is weird, isn’t it? I should go…”

“No. It’s not weird at all. It’s just the new normal.” He grinned at me and grabbed my helmet off the bike, looking eternally optimistic. “Put this on, get on the bike, and it’ll all feel right again.”

I took my bag off and handed it to him, just like I used to do. Looking down at the rose in my hand, I tucked it into the bag as an afterthought. He slid it over his shoulder and sat down, lowering his own helmet over his head. I looked back at Marie, who shot me a
Really?!
look. I shrugged and slid the helmet on before settling onto the back of the bike. But once I was there, I didn’t know what to do. Should I hold him like I used to, or was it not necessary to get quite so close?

He looked over his shoulder. “What?”

“Nothing,” I said quickly. I gripped the side of his shirt loosely, leaving plenty of room between us. His skin burned through the fabric, and his hard muscles taunted me, and I hadn’t even touched him. God, he felt so freaking good. And even scarier was the fact that it felt so
right
. As if I’d finally found the missing piece of me I’d lost. “I’m r-ready.”

“Only if you’re hoping to fall off the back and skin your pretty little ass,” he called out. “Hold on tighter, or you’ll throw off our balance.”

I scooted up more, still not touching my front to his back. To do so would be dangerous to my mental well-being. “Better?”

He shook his head and twirled his finger in a circle. “Scoot closer. I told you I would behave, and I will. Hold me like you used to. Friends do that on bikes, I assure you.”

“
Fine
.” Rolling my eyes, I glared at his back and slammed my body fully against his. I held back a groan, just barely, but he didn’t even bother to try. Hearing him groan made me want to do something else to make him do it again. It reminded me of the sound he always made when I used to…uh, never mind what it reminded me of. “Better?”

“Fuck yeah.”

He revved the engine and pulled away from the curb. As soon as the wind hit my face, I grinned bigger than I had in a long time. Being back on his bike, holding on to him, it felt
right
. He swerved in and out of traffic, taking the slow roads to our old restaurant. I hadn’t been there since he left for…wherever it was that he went. I still didn’t know.

I wonder if he could tell me now?

Man, I had so many questions. Questions I had every intention of asking him once we were at Islands. There was so much I wanted to know. He revved the engine harder, zipping between two cars. I laughed, and if I wasn’t mistaken?

So did he. I’d missed that, too. So freaking much.

By the time we pulled into the parking lot, I couldn’t hold back my excitement at being back on his bike. Of being with him, if I was being honest. I wasn’t. I hopped off the bike and tore my helmet off, laughing. “That was freaking
awesome
.”

He laughed, watching me with a warmth in his eyes I hadn’t seen in way too freaking long. It stole my breath away. “Yeah, it was.”

I smoothed my hair with a shaking hand. “When did you start riding again?”

“Two weeks ago,” he said, running his hands over his head. He didn’t need to worry about his hair being messy. He looked perfect, as always. “I wasn’t ready until then. But my therapist told me I should try again, so I did.”

“What does she say about me?”

“She said I should reach out to you, if I was ready.” He met my eyes. “So I did.”

“And you listened to her.” I set my helmet down and twisted my hair into a ponytail. Finn liked it down better, but since we weren’t dating anymore? Ponytail it was. I hated wearing my hair down. “That shows a lot about where you are.”

“I won’t pretend I’m a hundred percent better,” he said, motioning me forward. He fell into step beside me as I walked toward the mall where Islands was. “But I’m not a hot mess anymore, either.”

He placed his hand at my lower back, just like Riley had last week. But instead of feeling a little awkward, Finn’s hand made me all itchy and wound up inside. “Well, there’s that. But friends don’t hold on to each other. Hands to yourself.”

He dropped his hand back to his side. “Damn, you’re right…again.” He looked at me, giving me a grin. “So what’s up with you? Still studying and being a good girl?”

I shivered, a burst of desire sweeping through my veins. Last time he asked me if I’d been a good girl, I’d gone down on my knees in front of him. What a freaking time I’d had. Of course, that had been
after
he told me he might be leaving, and then he had.

I stared at him for so long that he blinked at me.

“Carrie?” he said, looking at me with narrowed eyes. “You okay?”

Quickly, I looked away from him, shaking off the memories. “Y-Yes, of course. My grades are as good as ever. I’ve had more time to study ever since—”

“Since I was an ass and left?”

“If the shoe fits.” I tucked my side bangs behind my ear. “In this case, you might as well be Cinderella.”

“I like the new cut and color, by the way.”

“You noticed?” I touched my hair self-consciously. “It’s not a big change or anything. Just a shade darker.”

“I noticed the second I saw you. Favorite subject, remember?”

I shook my head. “Yeah. Sure.”

He twisted his lips and opened the door for me. His gaze fell on the spot where he’d bruised me inadvertently. It had faded a long time ago. I wish I could say the same about the rest of the pain he’d inflicted upon me.

I watched him as he walked up to the receptionist, giving her his megawatt smile. She practically melted into a puddle right then and there, and I wanted to gouge her eyes out for it. I guess friends weren’t supposed to feel that way. I had a lot to learn about being friends with Finn…if we could even make it work.

I didn’t want to hurt him anymore.

I watched Carrie close her small hands around the gigantic burger on her plate, her eyes shining with excitement. I knew, right then, that this was the best fucking move I could have ever made. Start out as friends, just like we did before, and eventually? Maybe she would love me again. Fuck, I hoped she loved me again.

Knowing she didn’t love me anymore was killing me.

I fingered the envelope in my pocket; uncertain whether or not I should give it to her. Hell, I was uncertain of everything. Twelve times now, I’d reached for her hand, and covered it up by grabbing my drink instead. I was on my fifth fucking lemonade. I didn’t even really like lemonade. I’d just ordered it because I’d been too distracted by her to pay attention to the menu. Ten times, I’d gone to entwine my ankle with hers under the table, just like we used to, but quickly jerked my foot back to my side. And six times, I’d almost went in for a kiss, but hidden it by grabbing the dessert card off the table.

Being her friend again was
hard
.

She moaned and closed her eyes, slowly chewing. My cock came to life at the sound, since it’s the same one she made whenever I made love to her. Her face was lost in rapturous delight, and, oh my fucking God, I wanted her so badly. Needed her. I cleared my throat and picked up my own burger, unable to look away even though it physically hurt to watch her.

I sank my teeth into the burger, hoping it distracted me from the need that currently attempted to kill me. It did. I chewed, letting out my own groan. Her eyes flew open and she watched me with heated eyes. Oh, fuck. She liked that sound, too.

I didn’t know whether that was a good or bad sign right now.

I swallowed past the suffocating need choking me. Trying to play it cool, I lifted the burger. “It’s so fucking good.”

She nodded slowly, her gaze on my mouth. “Yeah. Yeah, it is.”

Need punched me with iron knuckles in the gut.

Before I begged her to forgive me and take me back—and before I could ruin the tenuous peace we had going between us—I shoved the burger in my mouth and took another bite. This time, I groaned even longer, and I even rolled my eyes back in my head a little bit, because why the fuck not? She kept staring at me as if she wanted to close her mouth around
me
instead, and if she was tempted?

I was going to push my luck.

She made a small sound and picked up her lemonade, downing almost the whole glass in one gulp. “It’s so freaking hot in here, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” I lifted my shirt a little bit, fanning my abs and showing her the goods. It worked. After her gaze dropped, it flew back up to mine. “They need to turn the air on or something.”

She frowned at me. “Totally.”

I took another bite, once again groaning deep and low. She bit down on her lower lip, watching me with hunger in her eyes. When I chuckled, the hunger faded away, only to be replaced my calculation. She grinned, too. The kind of grin that told me she was up to no good.

Thank God.

Her gaze latched with mine, she took a bite of her burger, letting out the longest, most drawn out moan she’d ever voiced. It was fucking
hot
. “Oh. My. God. Yes.” She breathed in tiny little spurts, as if I was going down on her right here and there. “That’s
so
good.”